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Top ten games for people who hate Thanksgiving

4:00 PM on 11.26.2009 // Andrew Kauz

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Ah, Thanksgiving. A time of turkey and family for many. A few days off for those in school, perhaps a full week for those in college, and at least one day for those in the working world. There’s seemingly very little about this inoffensive holiday to dislike.

Yet where there is a will, there is a way, and some among us stand at the gates of Thanksgiving with torches and pitchforks in hand, ready to burn that mother down in a fit of righteous anger. Perhaps they were sexually assaulted by a turkey as a young lad, or perhaps that one time that they burned down the neighborhood while cooking stuffing is burned into their memory. Whatever the case is, it is not up to me to judge. If Thanksgiving isn’t your thing, who I am to be insensitive toward your feelings?

What is left to play for a person with such a strong aversion to this upcoming holiday? Believe it or not, you can have a completely neutral or even anti-Thanksgiving gaming experience on your favorite home console or PC. Read on to see my top ten picks to get you through this difficult time. 

Medieval II: Total War

It’s unfortunate that Thanksgiving has no direct connection to war -- but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be some delicious mass bloodshed on this day of gratitude. Indeed, you can show your gratitude to the Turks by invading their lands and slaughtering all of their armies. Not only do you get to express your great love and thankfulness of war, but you also get to exact your revenge on Turkey for their part in this terrible, terrible holiday. Association by nomenclature, bitches.

And while you’re at it, you can ask them just why Istanbul was Constantinople.

Dragon Age: Origins

Fuck birds. Seriously. Whether they fly, gobble, waddle, or cluck, one thing is shared by all of them, and I’m not talking about feathers. I’m talking about shitting. Indeed, what type of animal produces more shit than a bird? What other animal has shit on you more times than a bird? Scat film actors, please refrain from answering this question.

So why not spend your Thanksgiving away from your family and instead with Shale, whose hardened veins run thick with the blood of avian hatred. Share in his plight as he explores yet a deeper facet of his hatred of birds. If only the game had a turkey-punting minigame, there would only be one game on this list.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Who the hell doesn’t want to be a millionaire? It’s a stupid fucking question. A better question would be, “Hey man, do you want a shit ton of cash?”

Unfortunately, we’re not likely to be asked either of these questions in an official setting. Instead, we’re still going to work our shitty 9-5s for less-than-optimal pay, and being a millionaire will remain out of reach for the vast majority of us.

And this holiday expects us to be thankful? Please.

Instead, why not forget the holiday and win some fake millions instead? Get out of that chair at the dinner table and get into the hot seat. Just remember: a turkey is not bigger than the moon.

Tobal 2

For years, the Final Fantasy series has been trying to pass off the chocobo as some sort of golden god of human transportation. But haters of Thanksgiving know the truth and see beyond the pee-colored façade: the chocobo is a god damn turkey.

Why not exact your vengeance upon the chocobo by beating the living shit out of it? Unfortunately, the only game in which you’ll have the opportunity to do that is Tobal 2. Show that you’re not fooled by its large size and general divergence from the appearance of turkeys! I don’t know if chocobo have balls, but if so, that is where you must kick them.

Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals (The Unauthorized PETA Edition)

You know what there’s far too little of in holidays? Overblown, self-righteous douchebaggery. I mean, honestly, how do they expect people to celebrate without a soapbox and a misguided life goal?

Well, thanks be to God for PETA, because now, we don’t have to go through Thanksgiving with any fun or happiness at all! Instead, we can kill a cartoon turkey that apparently has been punched repeatedly in the eyes and then proceed to pluck out its feathers, pull its organs out through its ass, stuff it with some sort of unidentifiable hairy, green goop (through its still bloody asshole, of course), saw its head off, and even cook it in the oven! When all is said and done, you’ll have a true-to-life virtual turkey, with its arteries exposed through its neck and blood still pooling at its base. Yep, just like every Thanksgiving ever. Why even bother with the real one?

MLB 09: The Show

Imagine your typical Thanksgiving Day: you sit down with your family for a dinner that is far too early to be rightfully called a dinner, and then what? You toss your asses in front of the TV for some NFL football.

Racist. What of those people out there who don’t enjoy football? Are they just left out in the cold? Well, not with videogames, they aren’t. Now, you can wallow in your hatred of American Football by instead playing a videogame of a sport that has already ended for the season! A perfect Thanksgiving? Well, without the awkward crotch hugs from your uncle Jim, yeah, pretty much.

Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood

Americans have a great burden to live with that was passed on by our ancestors: the troubling history of the start of America. Wednesday Addams said it best in her stunning metaperformance when she declared, as Pocahontas,

"Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims. And especially do not trust Sarah Miller. For all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground."

By why focus on that when you can instead play as a couple of Old West Americans and kill a bunch of Indians for no real good reason? Yeah, that sounds much better, doesn’t it? Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood lets you do this and more on your quest for an old Aztec treasure. Best of all, you can do all of this as a lecherous old man as he turns into a lecherous old man who carries a bible around. This, friends, is what Thanksgiving is all about.

Custer’s Revenge

Nevermind. I'm not touching this one with a four-inch pole. Get it? Four-inch pole? SICK BURN.

World of Warcraft

Screw real Thanksgivings. The smell of the roasting turkey is perhaps even worse than the pine smell that fills the house at Christmas, and all of that real conversation is so dreadfully dull. Why not have a greatly reduced experience in a virtual land? World of Warcraft will offer it to you.

The best part is that you actually get some benefit out of the holiday this way. Simply sit your virtual ass down in a chair, eat some virtual food, and get your character a 10% reputation gain buff, which probably does something really important maybe. Either way, it’s way, way better than actually eating real food and having to interact with those family members that you don’t see more than one a year, right?

You can also get a weapon that covers the target with turkey feathers. PETA will be thrilled to know where all of those feathers came from.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Perhaps the worst part of Thanksgiving for a gamer is being face-to-face with people that you don’t like. Over the Internet, you’re free to say whatever you want about people, despite the fact that you’re actually completely unsure of what their sexual orientation and race happens to be.

But at Thanksgiving, your anonymity is taken away, as is your phony sense of confidence. You lack the balls to laugh at your father as he burns the turkey and drops the stuffing on the floor. You’re too chicken to teabag the cranberry sauce. You’re loath to call your 4-year-old cousin a variety of racial slurs because she’s not so good with the knife. And you’re not about to start throwing a hissy fit when your parents reveal their plans to go camping.

So why bother? Instead, stay in your comfort zone in your anonymous world of idiocy, and wish all of those fags a very Happy Thanksgiving.

So, all of you anti-turkey activists out there, this list will hopefully give you a good idea of what to do on your most hated holiday. Tell your family just where they can stuff the stuffing and get on to enjoying the day. These ten games should last you for quite a while…at least until Christmas rolls around and Santa comes down the chimney to club you with a soap bar in a sock. Again.

Andrew Kauz,
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