Top ten arses in videogames

4:00 PM on 02.14.2010   |   Jim Sterling

201 comments

If there's one thing Destructoid doesn't do enough of, it's the cataloging and rating of female body parts in a cynical bid to keep the virgins and date rapists interested. Fortunately, we plan to address that with a new series of articles that catalog and rate female body parts in a cynical bid to keep the virgins and date rapists interested. The hits will come flooding in. 

So, arses. Everybody loves a good arse, unless they're proctologists who I feel wouldn't want to take their work home with them. I believe it was Oscar Wilde who once said, "Always forgive your enemies, and arses are great. Arses arses arses." Ne'er have truer words been spoken, either. 

Which brings us to today's most sexy editorial, a list of the top ten arses in gaming. Yes, you've read top ten lists like this thousands of times, but ours is different because it's ... probably a bit different somehow. Okay, it's actually not that different at all, but making self-aware statements acknowledging that fact will make us seem really cool about it. 

So, without further ado, let's get cracking and look at the top ten arses in videogames. Best read it quickly, before we put each arse on a separate Web page to cheaply increase pageviews!

BloodRayne:

I'll tell you what, BloodRayne may be a vampire, but I'd totally let her suck my cock! The joke here is that vampires suck blood but I was making a clever pun on blowjobs which is what we men get all the time because we're all proper great lads together. Anyway, Rayne may be a vampire, but her arse is one thing that certainly doesn't suck.

As you can see, Rayne's arse is quite prominent, with a well-rounded curvature that sticks out most pleasantly when she wraps her legs around a Nazi. One would assume that jumping onto the astonished faces of Nazis would give her rosy rump quite the workout, leading to quite firm and well-developed cheeks, not to mention an impressively muscular anus. I speculate that she'd be able to pick up objects as big as a cat with it. Provided she grips it by the tail, of course. 

A terrific arse, and one that certainly doesn't suck oh wait I did that joke. 

Cammy:

Let's take a look at this British shitter! Cammy from the Street Fighter games knows she has a magnificent arse, and isn't afraid to show it off! Her flexed gluteus is on display for all the world to see, because she realizes that she has a great pair of shitpillows and she wants us all to realize it as well. In fact, she wants me, personally, to see it. The little strumpet. She knows I'm looking. She knows full well and not a court in the land would convict me if I ...

Anyway, you can tell that Cammy's arsecheeks are firm, yet malleable, providing a pleasant resistance to pressure but yielding enough to give off a fleshy sensation. A well sculpted arse that is probably no stranger to a little backdoor action. Much approval!

Cortana:

I can't say I'm a fan of Halo, but there's one particular ring I'd definitely like to get into! I am course talking about Cortana's puckered blue spicehole. It's less Master Chief and more Master Bate All Over My Hands And Keyboard when this holographic hotty is in town. Or rather, Hole-ographic, if you catch my drift! Talk about artificial intelligence, I rather fancy me some arse-tificial intelli-pants!

I literally have nothing else to say about this one. I had three brilliant jokes and used them all in the first paragraph. Still, it's a terrific arse, even if it is holographic, which is a weird distinction to make when all the other arses on this list are no more real, but somehow it's less sexy when a developer admits it. 

Ivy:

Ivy is obviously one of the hottest women alive, despite not being alive actually because she is not a real person kind of. Just look at that arse. Just look at that magnificent, fantastic arse. I tell you what, that is an arse that does not shit. It simply does not. It's too beautiful for clumps of backdoor clay to come rattling out of it. No way has stinking poison ever passed those fine lips. I refuse to believe it. I refuse to imagine Ivy taking a massive crap ... at least not in a toilet ... 

As a gamer, all I care about is a fine backside and a huge, ridiculous, almost scary-looking pair of tits. Ivy fulfills both these needs that we all have, which essentially makes her the perfect woman. In fact, she is so perfect that I hereby declare all real women inferior. I now have an unrealistic idea of what girls should look like, and anything less will not be accepted. Take that, reality! I will not conform to your bullshit. 

Zoey:

Zoey from Left 4 Dead single-handedly brought about the zombie ass-pocalypse. I might be as fat as a Boomer, but it wouldn't be vomit that I'd spray all over this rancid little whore whenever I see her. It will actually be spunk, if you did not get that double meaning. Huge gobs of rotten zombie sperm, all over her hair and in her eyes -- and of course, right up her arse. Right up the gully of it. 

When the Zoey nude mod was released and her bare bumcheeks were first exposed to the world, I literally wept from the tear ducts in my eyes. Very much like the Moon landing, the shooting of JFK, and the motion picture Anaconda, everybody remembers where they were when they first heard about it. I was in my bedroom, downloading vast amounts of dickgirl hentai. What a wonderful day it was. 

Anyway, Hunters, Smokers, Boomers and Tanks? More like Cunt Hers, Poke Hers, Wombers and Wanks!

The Spitter:

This is one Special Infected I'd like to infect ... with sex! It's not just Zoey that makes Valve's Left 4 Dead series the sexiest shooter of all time. The Spitter makes sure that both sides of the undead war get a little anal eye candy. With those tight jeans and that exposed thong, which is always sexy no matter who does it, The Spitter is a perfect example of white trash that I'd trash with my white.

Unfortunately, I used up all the great Left 4 Dead jokes with Zoey, so I'm going to leave it there. 

Old Snake:

Snake might be getting on in years, but that musky crevice is ageless. Perhaps the finest geriatric ringpiece in videogame history, Old Snake's timeless tooshie seems totally unaffected by the rapid aging process integral to Metal Gear Solid 4. In fact, it's never looked better! It's like two plums in a condom, isn't it? Fucking lovely. 

I'm not ashamed to admit that I ejaculated five times while playing Guns of the Patriots, or should I say Buns of the Patriots! Admittedly, one of those five times was thanks to Drebin's monkey, but the other four were pure Snake. That's an arse I would love to inject with a healthy dose of nanomachines. Again, that's a spunk/penis thing. It's really not too hard to follow. 

Mannequin:

I'm not sure which part of Silent Hill 2's Mannequin is supposed to be the arse, but I do know one thing for sure -- it's fucking hot! Really, who could blame Pyramid Head for violating these things at any given opportunity? It's no wonder people get "trapped" in Silent Hill. It's a sexual paradise that I know for certain I'd never want to leave, not with these headless strumpets, wandering around and just wanting it, just wanting it all the time. 

It's less a case of Survival Horror and more a case of Sex Revival Whore Whore! I'd love to stick my bacon in that gasping, yawning choco-maw. 

Wario:

Now this dirty tart really does have a fine arse. Making Nintendo more like Sintendo, it's so disgusting. Wario is famous for her anal acrobatics, which I am sure will make for a supple and very welcoming cavity, ripe for all sorts of horseplay. The ease of which anal air expulsions come to this horny bitch tells me that Wario has an arse that's more than a little experienced. She literally has no control left of her bowels, and that's pretty damn erotic if you think about it for along enough, but not so long that you start thinking about the downside. 

I would very much love to stuff my mushroom in Wario's Warp Pipe. She waggles it around so much that she obviously wants it right up her quivering little sludge portal.

Denis Dyack:

And now we end on the greatest arse of all time, Denis Dyack. This arse is absolutely magnificent -- round, plump, and ready for stuffing. I don't know much about Too Human, but ... Poo ... thing ... with the arse. I would love nothing more than to pull those cheeks apart and stick it right into that slutty little hole. Hopefully this Silicon Knight is Silicon Tight. 

Absolutely a top grade arse. The best in the business, and so undeniably hot that even Stephen Hawking could get a hard-on. So long as you're aware that it's completely full of shit, then you'll be more than satisfied. Unlike reading this stupid fucking article.