Forget Hot Coffee - the 80's era sexual video game concepts would make Hillary Clinton's head explode if they were remastered on an Xbox. Don't get all worked up though, as these crude depictions of LEGO-like adultery are as sexy as the cave-paintings you see on public bathroom walls. The hyperbole of thundering cockasores and Sir Mixalot dancers were necessary due to the low fidelity of the media - ZERO megs of video memory and Atari's whopping 1.19mhz processor could barely muster a nip slip. Thus, the infamous Mystique programming teams had to illustrate gigantic dongs on small sprite based characters or you couldn't tell the game was supposed to be sexual.
Collectively, they're crass as they come... but where the massive genetelia failed to be sexy, they succeeded in gaining comedic noteriety. These games were the inside joke of 80's era gamers, which is why they're still well known today. Using Wikipedia's wisdom we tracked down the worst offenders, so without further ado - the top 5 sexual video games of Atari!
NUMBER 5 - BURNING DESIRE / JUNGLE FEVER
In burning Desire, you play a nude man hovering over on a helicopter trying to save a woman from getting consumed by flames while you dodge stones being thrown at you by cannibals. You ejaculate to put out the fire and then have the woman latch onto your penis and air her to safety. In Jungle Fever, the roles are reversed and you play a woman who lactates the fire out.
NUMBER 4 - KNIGHT ON THE TOWN
This one should be renamed to Dragon Warrior Slime Sex, look at the heads of these people! In Knight on the Town, you play a knight who needs to get across the moat to save a buxom princess, but the only way across is for the knight to build a drawbridge, piece by piece. While building the bridge, the knight must dodge a dragon's fire, an alligator swimming in the moat and a little gremlin with a big mouth to bite the knight. To make matters worse, the gremlin moves faster for every piece of bridge placed. The goal of this game is to get across a completed drawbridge and climb to the top of the tower to get the princess in the least amount of time.
NUMBER 3 - CATHOUSE BLUES / GIGOLO
In Cathouse Blues, you play a MAN-WHORE on a mission to find and score with 7 different women in a large neighborhood, and you get paid after you found the right house. As soon as you get into the house, the screen cuts to a raunchy purple lovemaking couple momentarily. However, there are empty houses with alarms that can stun him temporarily, so this game is a test of your memory, and probably the only really challenging one on the list. Also wandering the streets are police officers ready to capture you. Also on hand is a mugger who steals all your money if you run into him. You run out of lives and the game is over. As Seanbaby put it, the ladies in this game spent so much money on you they couldn't afford a bed. Plus they live in a giant donut.
NUMBER 2 - BEAT EM AND EAT EM
Best. Name. Ever.
In this game the player controls a pair of nude women who scuttle back and forth underneath a building as a ridiculously well-endowed man constantly ejaculates from the roof top. The player's objective is to maneuver these women so that they consume the man's semen before it hits the ground. The game's objective is supported by an ad hoc explanation that "every [uncaught] sperm is sacred" and "could have been a famous doctor or lawyer."
NUMBER 1 - CUSTER'S REVENGE
The mother of all crude Atari sexual games! Also called "Westward Ho!" (get it?) Custer's Revenge gained notoriety for its particular plot. In the game, the player controls the character of General George Armstrong Custer, depicted as a man wearing nothing but a cavalry hat, boots, a bandana, and sporting a visible erection. Custer has to overcome various (not very difficult) obstacles to achieve his goal, which is to rape a crudely depicted, large-breasted Native American woman who is bound to a post.
The game prompted criticism from women's rights groups who stated that the simulation of having sex with a tied-up woman was a simulation of rape. Other groups such as Women Against Pornography, Native American spokespersons, and critics of the video game industry in general protested the game. [ wiki ]
Trivia: They also made a version of the game called General Retreat. In this game it is the "woman" who has to overcome various obstacles to have sex with "Custer" - who this time is the one tied to the post. Instead of arrows, cannon balls are fired at the woman. General Retreat has often times been hailed as the better of the two versions, featuring slightly less questionable material.
CoilWhine Been playing Gears of War 3's campaign on Xbox One. Looks great on there, and Sam's voice actor is Chloe's voice actor in Uncharted 2/3. Hell yeah!Archelon Community Question: With all the controversy surrounding review scores, what do you personally consider a "bad" score versus a "good" score? Is there a game in particular that was panned by critics that you nevertheless enjoyed? Or vice versa?TheVeganGamer Finally got around to playing Diablo 3 with some friends, holy smokes! That game is rad!SpielerDad Public service announcement: Marry an orphan. It makes the holidays so much easier when you don't have to deal with pain in the ass in-laws.Nekrosys So... how long is it until we get the inevitable Colonial Marines or Ride to Hell: Retribution PS4/Xbox One re-releases?SeymourDuncan17 Screw Bloodborne. I finally managed to overcome not tearing up while listening to the entirety of Never More. Git gud!
[youtube]https://youtu.be/JQmZi94cjL4[/youtube]NYCpunk you know what's not okay? scalpers with 10 copies of fire emblem fates SE on ebay for $200+. and no one is saying anything. ChrisHannard Fallout 4 wouldn't be Fallout with ridiculous glitches and shenanigans. Here are a few I've run into - [youtube]https://youtu.be/qgYAXsDq4Uw[/youtube]StriderHoang I've never earnestly went drinking before so it's cool to know I'm the slow, sleepy, impaired type.The Dyslexic Laywer Got to admit I didn't expect to find a mewtwo amiibo at my bookstore of all places...Mike Martin My cousin found out I slept with his girlfriend and is pissed. Understandable. I am totally sick of the angry phone calls though. It reminds me so much of playing Call of Duty online. The screaming 11 year olds suck on there too. OverlordZetta Huh. Apparently even Japan has a Black Friday sale going on on PSN right now.Lawman Yes, Resident Evil: Revelations 2, I know that somebody has 2,625 more medallions than me. No, Resident Evil: Revelations 2, I don't really care.Dr Mel This fucking Bloodborne DLC, jesus. I'm on new game+, about level 90, and shit just tears my dick off. I don't know if I want to start another guy just to avoid NG+ and level him up, etc. sigh....Shinta Wii U, top selling black friday item on target.com. Take that you anti-Wii U people.
http://www.ign.com/articles/2015/11/27/wii-u-helps-drive-targets-biggest-online-shopping-day-ever?utm_source=IGN%20hub%20page&utm_medium=IGN%20(front%20page)&utm_contenCoilWhine I am pretty hyped for when I get a laptop because I'll be able to have a good enough connection to stream XbOne/soon PS4 games to it along with natively rendered Steam games. Hype!Avoclefo Got a PS4 that came with SW Battlefront this week, and planning on picking up the FFX/X-2 remake. Hype is through the roof, especially for FFX. If I were to get one other game, what should it be?Niero Desu Did a google maps search around my parents house for bars and there isn't one in like 25 miles, so I picked up an Intel compute stick and South Park: Stick of Truth on Steam. That's more or less the drunken screaming I'm in the mood for at about the cost.OrochiLeona Do you ever have that moment of clarity when talking to someone and suddenly realising: You're just a skull, and they're just a skull, with fucking eyeballs and a sac of skin being the only comparative difference between you visually? ..just me then?Nathan D After quitting for two days out of frustration, I beat Ludwig on my first try of the night. I'm on cloud fucking nine right now.