Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Top 5 most sexual Atari 2600 video games ever

1:13 PM on 08.25.2006 // Niero Desu
  @destructoid

Seriously

Forget Hot Coffee - the 80's era sexual video game concepts would make Hillary Clinton's head explode if they were remastered on an Xbox.  Don't get all worked up though, as these crude depictions of LEGO-like adultery are as sexy as the cave-paintings you see on public bathroom walls. The hyperbole of thundering cockasores and Sir Mixalot dancers were necessary due to the low fidelity of the media - ZERO megs of video memory and Atari's whopping 1.19mhz processor could barely muster a nip slip. Thus, the infamous Mystique programming teams had to illustrate gigantic dongs on small sprite based characters or you couldn't tell the game was supposed to be sexual.

Collectively, they're crass as they come... but where the massive genetelia failed to be sexy, they succeeded in gaining comedic noteriety. These games were the inside joke of 80's era gamers, which is why they're still well known today. Using Wikipedia's wisdom we tracked down the worst offenders, so without further ado - the top 5 sexual video games of Atari!

 

NUMBER 5 - BURNING DESIRE / JUNGLE FEVER

In burning Desire, you play a nude man hovering over on a helicopter trying to save a woman from getting consumed by flames while you dodge stones being thrown at you by cannibals. You ejaculate to put out the fire and then have the woman latch onto your penis and air her to safety. In Jungle Fever, the roles are reversed and you play a woman who lactates the fire out.

NUMBER 4 - KNIGHT ON THE TOWN

This one should be renamed to Dragon Warrior Slime Sex, look at the heads of these people! In Knight on the Town, you play a knight who needs to get across the moat to save a buxom princess, but the only way across is for the knight to build a drawbridge, piece by piece. While building the bridge, the knight must dodge a dragon's fire, an alligator swimming in the moat and a little gremlin with a big mouth to bite the knight. To make matters worse, the gremlin moves faster for every piece of bridge placed. The goal of this game is to get across a completed drawbridge and climb to the top of the tower to get the princess in the least amount of time.

NUMBER 3 - CATHOUSE BLUES / GIGOLO

In Cathouse Blues, you play a MAN-WHORE on a mission to find and score with 7 different women in a large neighborhood, and you get paid after you found the right house. As soon as you get into the house, the screen cuts to a raunchy purple lovemaking couple momentarily. However, there are empty houses with alarms that can stun him temporarily, so this game is a test of your memory, and probably the only really challenging one on the list. Also wandering the streets are police officers ready to capture you. Also on hand is a mugger who steals all your money if you run into him. You run out of lives and the game is over. As Seanbaby put it, the ladies in this game spent so much money on you they couldn't afford a bed. Plus they live in a giant donut. 

 

NUMBER 2 - BEAT EM AND EAT EM

Best. Name. Ever.

In this game the player controls a pair of nude women who scuttle back and forth underneath a building as a ridiculously well-endowed man constantly ejaculates from the roof top. The player's objective is to maneuver these women so that they consume the man's semen before it hits the ground. The game's objective is supported by an ad hoc explanation that "every [uncaught] sperm is sacred" and "could have been a famous doctor or lawyer."

NUMBER 1 - CUSTER'S REVENGE


The mother of all crude Atari sexual games! Also called "Westward Ho!" (get it?) Custer's Revenge gained notoriety for its particular plot. In the game, the player controls the character of General George Armstrong Custer, depicted as a man wearing nothing but a cavalry hat, boots, a bandana, and sporting a visible erection. Custer has to overcome various (not very difficult) obstacles to achieve his goal, which is to rape a crudely depicted, large-breasted Native American woman who is bound to a post.

 

The game prompted criticism from women's rights groups who stated that the simulation of having sex with a tied-up woman was a simulation of rape. Other groups such as Women Against Pornography, Native American spokespersons, and critics of the video game industry in general protested the game. [ wiki ] 

Trivia: They also made a version of the game called General Retreat. In this game it is the "woman" who has to overcome various obstacles to have sex with "Custer" - who this time is the one tied to the post. Instead of arrows, cannon balls are fired at the woman. General Retreat has often times been hailed as the better of the two versions, featuring slightly less questionable material.

 



Niero Desu, Blogsmith
 Follow Blog + disclosure destructoid Tips
I host Destructoid for a living. Here's a photo of me at work:  more   |   staff directory





 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

RadicalYoseph avatarRadicalYoseph
What I've gathered from the quick posts the last two days is that demons from SMT look like genitals.
SayWord avatarSayWord
Took awhile but it is finally here, oh how I missed playing with you Nep Nep. Though I still cannot decide if I should put that PS4 skin on...
Nathan D avatarNathan D
Rei is humbled by the fairly high number of faps you have given her Waifu Wars piece.
Parismio avatarParismio
The actual best SMT girl is here:
JohnSmith123 avatarJohnSmith123
So 1-10 of Destiny isn't so bad. Been having a bit of fun with it, though people don't talk much on PSN. Good? Bad? I will never talk smack about Destiny only because it has this dance in it.
Barry Kelly avatarBarry Kelly
If you agree to let Harley Quinn tattoo you with her brand new tattoo gun, you deserve to live with the consequences of that incredibly poor life choice.
TheKodu avatarTheKodu
Not being from the US I have no horse in the US election race. But still I do like video games
WryGuy avatarWryGuy
OP and a playable character in Devil Survivor.
Pixie The Fairy avatarPixie The Fairy
Nemissa is best SMT demon girl.
Scrustle avatarScrustle
Made to mid-A rank! Pretty hyped about it. Got knocked out of A- twice without winning a single match, but tonight I climbed al the way through with no trouble! The N-Zap is so good for Splat Zones.
James Internet Ego avatarJames Internet Ego
I want one.
Tom avatarTom
Heat avatarHeat
He's best friends with Arioch!
Fuzunga avatarFuzunga
This thing finally arrived. Took forever!
SayWord avatarSayWord
Sorry guys and gals, this demon pussy is bestest.
ShadeOfLight avatarShadeOfLight
Just sayin'.
FakePlasticTree avatarFakePlasticTree
Best demon-girl, however, is obviously Shadow Labrys-cause shut up baby you know it!
SeymourDuncan17 avatarSeymourDuncan17
Also, Jonathan is best mainline SMT waifu. He can instill his Law within me anytime.
Serethyn avatarSerethyn
Anyone who doesn't like Pyro Jack?
Parismio avatarParismio
Please all your demons are dumb. They're dumb demons. Behold the magnificence of OSE!
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -