Forget Hot Coffee - the 80's era sexual video game concepts would make Hillary Clinton's head explode if they were remastered on an Xbox. Don't get all worked up though, as these crude depictions of LEGO-like adultery are as sexy as the cave-paintings you see on public bathroom walls. The hyperbole of thundering cockasores and Sir Mixalot dancers were necessary due to the low fidelity of the media - ZERO megs of video memory and Atari's whopping 1.19mhz processor could barely muster a nip slip. Thus, the infamous Mystique programming teams had to illustrate gigantic dongs on small sprite based characters or you couldn't tell the game was supposed to be sexual.
Collectively, they're crass as they come... but where the massive genetelia failed to be sexy, they succeeded in gaining comedic noteriety. These games were the inside joke of 80's era gamers, which is why they're still well known today. Using Wikipedia's wisdom we tracked down the worst offenders, so without further ado - the top 5 sexual video games of Atari!
NUMBER 5 - BURNING DESIRE / JUNGLE FEVER
In burning Desire, you play a nude man hovering over on a helicopter trying to save a woman from getting consumed by flames while you dodge stones being thrown at you by cannibals. You ejaculate to put out the fire and then have the woman latch onto your penis and air her to safety. In Jungle Fever, the roles are reversed and you play a woman who lactates the fire out.
NUMBER 4 - KNIGHT ON THE TOWN
This one should be renamed to Dragon Warrior Slime Sex, look at the heads of these people! In Knight on the Town, you play a knight who needs to get across the moat to save a buxom princess, but the only way across is for the knight to build a drawbridge, piece by piece. While building the bridge, the knight must dodge a dragon's fire, an alligator swimming in the moat and a little gremlin with a big mouth to bite the knight. To make matters worse, the gremlin moves faster for every piece of bridge placed. The goal of this game is to get across a completed drawbridge and climb to the top of the tower to get the princess in the least amount of time.
NUMBER 3 - CATHOUSE BLUES / GIGOLO
In Cathouse Blues, you play a MAN-WHORE on a mission to find and score with 7 different women in a large neighborhood, and you get paid after you found the right house. As soon as you get into the house, the screen cuts to a raunchy purple lovemaking couple momentarily. However, there are empty houses with alarms that can stun him temporarily, so this game is a test of your memory, and probably the only really challenging one on the list. Also wandering the streets are police officers ready to capture you. Also on hand is a mugger who steals all your money if you run into him. You run out of lives and the game is over. As Seanbaby put it, the ladies in this game spent so much money on you they couldn't afford a bed. Plus they live in a giant donut.
NUMBER 2 - BEAT EM AND EAT EM
Best. Name. Ever.
In this game the player controls a pair of nude women who scuttle back and forth underneath a building as a ridiculously well-endowed man constantly ejaculates from the roof top. The player's objective is to maneuver these women so that they consume the man's semen before it hits the ground. The game's objective is supported by an ad hoc explanation that "every [uncaught] sperm is sacred" and "could have been a famous doctor or lawyer."
NUMBER 1 - CUSTER'S REVENGE
The mother of all crude Atari sexual games! Also called "Westward Ho!" (get it?) Custer's Revenge gained notoriety for its particular plot. In the game, the player controls the character of General George Armstrong Custer, depicted as a man wearing nothing but a cavalry hat, boots, a bandana, and sporting a visible erection. Custer has to overcome various (not very difficult) obstacles to achieve his goal, which is to rape a crudely depicted, large-breasted Native American woman who is bound to a post.
The game prompted criticism from women's rights groups who stated that the simulation of having sex with a tied-up woman was a simulation of rape. Other groups such as Women Against Pornography, Native American spokespersons, and critics of the video game industry in general protested the game. [ wiki ]
Trivia: They also made a version of the game called General Retreat. In this game it is the "woman" who has to overcome various obstacles to have sex with "Custer" - who this time is the one tied to the post. Instead of arrows, cannon balls are fired at the woman. General Retreat has often times been hailed as the better of the two versions, featuring slightly less questionable material.
Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our moderators, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.
StriderHoang Just so you know, I've been a Huge subscriber for a few years but I thought I had until the end of September to cancel it. So I've opened an inquiry for the refund, which is on tinypass' end of things by the way.techsupport I once posted that Total Recall was the best movie ever made. I would like to make note that Starship Troopers is a close second. Carry on. Mike Martin I put too many peppers in my sausage and potatoes. My asshole is on fire. I want to cry when I wipe. But it was good. OverlordZetta One glorious Japanese twitter user made a custom LBX of one of my favorite Kamen Riders: [img]http://i.imgur.com/yp1oraHm.jpg[/img] It's like getting peanut butter in chocolate but with small robots and spandex banana men!SeymourDuncan17 I feel terrible for not reading most of you beautiful people's blogs. Let's just say my passion is writing, not reading :stechsupport People can debate GOTY all they want, but the real question is: D-Horse or Roach?Mr Knives I'm dragging myself away from my PS4 long enough to say that MGS V is pretty darn awesome so far.Myles Cox Down with that PAX Pox. AuhhhghghghhhhShinta MGSV: Sneaking into a heavily guarded Russian military base in Afghanistan at night, slashing throats while listening to this.
Comes off like a perfectly planned scene in a Scorsese movie or something. Pixie The Fairy Tortilla chips: The only food I know and love to betray me by deciding to flip to a bad angle and stab me in the gums.IDrawOnTape I'm ok with Namco shutting down Soul Calibur: Lost Souls, as long as they keep Ace Combat:Infinity running. Love that game and just hit 3 million credits.ScreamAid Holy fuck I feel new again. I've been on hiatus for a while and haven't been up to writing. I might just jump back into things after I relearn things here. Does anyone even remember me? Like damn it's been a while.Jed Whitaker In MGS5: The Phantom Pain, Solid Snake dies from lung cancer from all those years of smoking. #FakeSpoilersRadicalYoseph [youtube]http://youtu.be/FDSHslyrxkM[/youtube]
If you don't know the truth, you don't know the score. The end is coming near. MAJOR SPOILERS!Paul S Wow, it's really easy to get people upset over video games.wutangclam I hope MGS V is living up to everyone's expectations. I can't get enough.Barry Kelly I dislike the idea of intentionally reinforcing the notions that either race or gender are character traits, and those that don't match your own are completely unrelatable.Shinta Who's your favorite female black writer on Destructoid's staff?
Post a comment below with your votes.Dr Mel I'm ok if someone chooses a character's ethnicity in a story with the intent of being more representative, as long as the story is good. And if even SOME people feel like it helps them relate, then good! Don't bother me none.ChillyBilly OK. So the Mad Max game is basically the combat from the Batman games, the driving bits from Rage and the taking over the outposts bits from Far Cry 3 and 4. I guess what I'm saying is that it's super fun and I'm really, really enjoying it.