As readers will know, I recently confessed my closet Pokémon fandom and am celebrating my newfound liberation with a selection of Pokémon-themed articles for those who also like to throw hard metal balls at fluffy wild animals.
Although we might not like to admit it, part of what makes Pokémon so appealing is that its namesake creatures are so downright adorable. Many of them are very cute, inventive or just plain cool-looking. However, even back in the days of Red and Blue, the Pokémon designers clearly struggled to create 151 original pocket monsters.
Although it'd be easy to start off with the game's sequels, where they really jumped the shark, I thought I'd start old-school, with the games you are most familiar with. These thirty Pokémon were handpicked by myself a few years back on Morphine Nation, actually, but I am now sharing with Destructoid the proof of what happens when a group of Japanese artists run out of crack and whiskey and find themselves with thirty more bug-eyed bipedal foxes to draw before the morning.
These are the thirty most rubbish Pokémon from Red and Blue.
Seriously, words cannot express my sheer hatred for Diglett. Look at it, just look at the fucking thing. It's the pinnacle of lazy goddamn design, like the people in charge of Pokémon drawing that day just didn't give a fuck. Did they reach 149 and get tired of drawing little fucked up monsters, unable to do just one more?
That must've been how this was, like they'd run completely out of ideas so they just said "fuck it, draw a curve and stick three ovals on it, there ya go... yeah kid, it's a Pokémon, you fucking love it." How much more boring can you get? It's like a wad of poo with eyes and a cockhelmet for a nose. It seriously makes me so angry I'm shaking, I'm quivering and shaking and trying to type through the cloudy tears that have welled up in my eyes, droplets threatening to course down my cheeks in rivulets as the only physical means I have to deal with the sheer emotion attempting to escape from my body.
And straight from the Diglett Designer's workshop comes another insipid example of unimaginative pap. Seriously now, that's something a fucking child would draw. It doesn't even have proper eyes, just dots and lines like he's fallen straight out of the pages of The Dandy or something. A circle with a stupid grin on its face, wow. What a Pokémon. The selling point is that it looks like a Pokéball, but Pokéballs are boring! There's a reason the game isn't about capturing wild balls that bounce around the hillside. This is the evolved version -- its original incarnation, Voltorb, has slightly more character, despite being pretty damn crap in its own right. Electrode is a bad Pokémon.
Half a dozen eggs. Half a dozen eggs?! Who the fuck came up with that one, and who the fuck sold him the crack? One's even broken and bleeding. It's just ... not right. It's also six Pokémon, and that's cheating. Also, what creep would fight with living eggs anyway? Some kind of fucking idiot would. This thing eventually evolves into a palm tree with legs and three heads, and that's pretty damn stupid, but it can't reach the levels of sheer garbage that is six eggs. SIX EGGS! What's the point, even?
Golbat looks absolutely ridiculous. It barely even qualifies as a bat. His unevolved form, Zubat, at least resembles, y'know, a fukken bat. This thing, however, looks like Pac-Man fucked a Smurf and gave birth to it. Are those things on the bottom meant to be its feet? Watching this beast walk must be a sad, awkward parody of pedestrian travel. I never liked Zubat or Golbat, really, either from an aesthetic or a gameplay point of view. As well as being shitty Pokémon all around, they are fucking annoying as well.
Some of the Pokémon based on real animals were rather decent, but let's face it, if you're just going to slap a horn on a goldfish, why even bother? Stupid, dopey expression on its face, half-stoned, half-moronic, there's nothing good about this thing at all. And how is that fish breathing out of fucking water? It doesn't make any sense. It's found in the water, so it clearly must need it in some way. But it never complains; it just flaps about saying its own name like a stupid bitch. It's not just the fact that it's a fish with a horn, I can't stand its horrible face. It looks so smug and self-absorbed, what with its droopy fucking eyelids. Hell, fish don't even have eyelids. Goldeen loses at being a fish.
I've had enough. I'm going to go and cut myself for a bit now.
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