E3 was home to many things. Colors, shapes, sounds, bright flashing lights, all the things that gamers love. However, the biggest news to come from that week was not to be found on the show floor, at a press conference, or during a behind-closed-doors screening. No, the biggest news of E3 came from our hotel.
Destructoid has become obsessed with the reality TV show Cheaters.
The mixture of sleaze and false piety is a winning combination, aided by the smarmy shit-stirring of Joey "Nick Chester in a cult leader's uniform" Greco. Naturally, this example of pure and utter trash should be turned into a videogame, and that's a good enough excuse for me to talk about something non-game related on a gaming blog.
Seriously though, Cheaters would make an excellent game. Read on for my pitch!
As you all know, Cheaters is a show in which people suspect their loved ones of being unfaithful, so enlist the help of professional busybodies in order to expose their wicked ways. The game would put players into the shoes of a rookie agent in the Cheaters Detective Agency, taking to the streets of Dallas, Texas and accepting missions from distressed girlfriends and angry boyfriends. Use real detective skills in a world of lies, disgrace, and Joey Greco's eternal dismay at the state of human affairs!
Imagine a cross between Pokemon Snap and The Red Shoe Diaries, as players stealthily go on "Investigations" to uncover the most vile infidelity that Texas has to offer. You've just imagined Cheaters: The Videogame. Using a mixture of stealth and speed, players must tail suspects without being spotted, capturing them on camera. Players score points for each act of infidelity they catch, but also score bonuses if they catch the suspect doing something equally fucked up, like falling over into some trash cans or buying pornography. Anything that Joey Greco can use to make the situation look even worse than it has to be.
High-stakes intensity and detection join hands as would-be agents put their wit and skills to the test. Players must take photographs of the suspect with an unknown companion, then use the power of investigation to find out who that companion is so that everybody in the local area knows what a slut she's been. Not only that, but real time action must be employed, with players tapping phones to record illicit conversations that can be played during sex scenes in order to make the blurry black-and-white footage appear more interesting. Not only that, but breaking into the suspect's house to set up hidden cameras is a crucial element to the gameplay. Will you get in and out before the suspect comes home? Will you be spotted and compromise the whole investigation? It's Cheaters: The Videogame!
Watch in horror as your suspect comes home, unaware of the hidden camera, and proceeds to have sly love in the comfort of their own home (but never in the bedroom, apparently). The crescendo to the investigation is watching the suspect pipe the living hell out of the companion. Scenarios involve anal on the boss's desk, double-ended dildos between kinky lesbian lovers, and two people shagging like rotters after parking in the victim's own parking space outside! The sheer nerve! Once this final piece of evidence has been uncovered, players get to wrap up the investigation.
Oh, but that's not all! Cheaters is about more than investigations. After all that nerve-wracking detective work, players then take on the role of Joey Greco himself! Using state-of-the-art Quick-Time-Events, players get to live out some of the most outrageous and stunning Confrontations that Cheaters has to offer, taking the reins of Greco in order to dish out unbidden and smug advice while avoiding punches, paintball gun shots, and stabbings. Will Greco succeed in getting involved with a fight that does not concern him? Will he comfort the traumatized victim long enough to get her back to his hotel room? Only YOU, the player, can decide that!
I'm currently pitching Cheaters: The Videogame for all platforms, including Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, PC, DS and iPhone. The Confrontations especially would work really well with Kinect as players avoid concealed weaponry and wrap their own arms around the back of a crying woman who kind of wishes you weren't there. Ultimately, this game has supreme potential for both the core and casual gamer alike. All I need is $800,000,000 to make it!
It's Cheaters: The Videogame. Coming to a Walmart near you!
What's Up? Our panel at PAX Prime 2014, Far Cry 4, Destiny Beta, Vietnam & a ferret
8:00 PM on 07.25.2014