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There's something wrong with the TMNT Smash-up box art photo

Raphael was the worst Turtle. Actually, Venus was the worst Turtle, but I understand that the owners of the TMNT license deny she ever even existed, as do most people who have a shred of taste.

Of all the Turtles that Ubisoft could have featured on the cover, they put Raphael on it. Leonardo is nowhere to be seen! We all know he was the best, followed by Michelangelo and Donatello. Raphael was just a whiny little punk that's always complaining about everything. He's kind of like Nick Chester now that I think about it.

And what's Clank from Ratchet and Clank doing on the cover by the way? Oh, that's the Utromnator? More like the lame ... o ... nator. Yeah. Also, April is totally getting kicked in the c*nt here

If you're actually looking for useful information on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-up, then check out my preview from E3. 

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Hamza Aziz, Destructoid's Community Director, has been here since day one. He was born when a tiger coughed up a hairball into a pool of ooze. He was one of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before budget cuts. Hamza works as a previews editor and manages a team in San Francisco. To date he has given away tens of thousands of dollars in prizes to readers. What a dick. Actually, Hamza is as kind as he is hairy. Likes Super Mario RPG, Halo, iPhone, Videogame cover bands, Super Nintendo Meet the rest of the team



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65 comments | showing # 1 to 50
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next 50 comments

flaming burrito's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/06/2009 22:02
flaming burrito
Yo you be frontin dawg. Raphael was the most baddass of them all.
AgentMOO's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:47
AgentMOO
Mikey FTW! also I miss 80's jumpsuit April
Kraid's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:50
Kraid
Why is April not the jumpsuit hottie that we all love?
aborto thefetus's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:50
aborto thefetus
You sir are terribly mistaken. Donatello is the best.
Holyetheline's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:50
Holyetheline
I think all turtles need to be featured on the box! =O
DV2FOX's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:55
DV2FOX
dont forget...BLOOD!!
Knivy's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:56
Knivy
I don't know hamza, nick doesn't complain about an older than year photo on someone's facebook :P.
JamnOnTheOne's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:56
JamnOnTheOne
In order of usefulness in all TMNT games ever:
1. Donatello
2. Leonardo
3. Michelangelo
4. Raphael
killias2's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:56
killias2
It's about time someone said it. Raphael is a WHINY BITCH! Donatello and Leo are tied for best. I always thought Leo was definitely the best.. until someone pointed out to me that he never actually uses his swords (at least in the movies). They didn't want him killing anyone...
Diverse's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:56
Diverse
Or would you say, as do most people who have a shredder of taste.
jackburnt's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:57
jackburnt
All turtles should be on the box as they are a team.

But my favorites in order:

Raphael
Donatello
Michelangelo
Leonardo
Kryptinite's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 14:59
Kryptinite
Who the fuck is Venus?
Hamza CTZ Aziz's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:00
Hamza CTZ Aziz
Diverse: God dammit. Why didn't I think of that joke?!
theswitcher's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:00
theswitcher
1. Raphael
2. Michelangelo
3. Donatello
4. Leonardo
stevenxonward's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:01
stevenxonward
Wrong! Raphael was the "play by his own rules" hardass of the group. He was the only one with multi-faceted human characteristics and emotions and adequately represented the angst-ridden pre-teens of the time. Leo was a "toe the line" yuppie and Michelangelo was just Jeff Spicolli in mutated turtle form. Donatello was pretty cool, but only because he was the most useful turtle in in gaming situations - having the longest weapon and all. Raph was someone rebel youths could relate to.
DF's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:03
DF
And weren't all of their eyeband dealies red in the original work? So by default Raph is the default turtle despite not being the leader.

And he's dual-wielding. (so does Leo but no one likes him)
pedrovay2003's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:04
pedrovay2003
Hey, Raph rocked. The real crime here is that April is on the cover in a fucking ninja suit.

@Kryptinite

This is Venus:

Isay Isay's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:04
Isay Isay
(sai)...oh you guys will complain about anything and everything
Char Aznable's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:06
Char Aznable
It's interesting that all the nerds gravitate toward Donatello (myself included). At least Leonardo isn't front and center on the cover. He gets all the glory, fuck him.

*starts a slow clap for Diverse*
AgentMOO's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:08
AgentMOO
@pedrovay2003

THE EYEBANDS DO NOTHING
Niero's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:11
Niero
what the fuck happened to splinter? he looks like a brontosaurus
BS3 Owner's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:11
BS3 Owner
Where have i been... Venus?
What does she have for a weapon? A tennis racket.
Xhumation's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:15
Xhumation
Raphael is my favorite turtle. I really would have prefered for Ubisoft to go with the school school turtles and not with these designs.
GuitarAtomik's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:19
GuitarAtomik
DaNUH nuhnuhnuhnuh nuh na NINJITSU!!
Sharpless's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:22
Sharpless
ATTN: Hamza. Two things. Read them and read them well:

1) Look at the Utromnator's stomach. Notice Krang. Krang's species are called Utroms. Thus, the Utromnator is not lame. Apparently Krang, or another of his kind, just ditched the giant retard suit and got himself a proper robot. READ YO' FACTS.

2) What the fuck is all this bullshit about Raphael being the worst turtle? He was the only turtle who could be accurately described as a badass. Mike and Leo can suck it. Seriously. Raph and Donatello are where it's at. Raph is a badass motherfucker. You do not fuck with Raph. READ YO' FACTS.
free touch's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:29
free touch
Incorrect bro.

Raphael is cool but rude.

Venus de Milo was the "5th" turtle, kept secret from the 4 brothers. She was basically to add a female voice to the short lived live action Ninja Turtles: the Next Mutation show. She didn't have a weapon... she was trained in the art of Shinobi magic.

One of the few redeeming facts about the live action turtles is they teamed up with the power rangers in a two part episode... it was Power Rangers in Space though..
galagabug 's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:30
galagabug
raphael is cool, but rude.
Arch649's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:32
Arch649
Raphael was the best turtle. You need to watch the first movie and the latest CG one. Raph was the one keeping everyone in line.
free touch's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:32
free touch
Another thing... Leonardo kinda sucked, because even though he had razor sharp kitana's, he can't and never cuts through anyone.. but he has no problems cutting some manholes and pizza's... and i think he's sliced a few brick walls in his day as well.
JLanphear's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:32
JLanphear
Raphael is a badass dude. . . but this boxart does kinda suck. . .
GuitarAtomik's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:35
GuitarAtomik
@free touch

Whatever. Power Rangers in Space was awesome.
peachboy's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:37
peachboy
i've got to say, your order of best turtles is exactly opposite of mine. i always hated leo for being the arrogant leader. mikey was alright but he was a stoned retard. don and raph were my favs because one was a bad ass geek and one was a bad ass bad ass.

this boxart is hideous and i think it's safe to say TMNT have been dead for at least a decade. or should i said a dead-cade? no...i shouldn't.
Kyousuke Nanbu's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:40
Kyousuke Nanbu
Those are the movie versions of the turtles, that's why they look so different.

And Mikey was the best, fuck anyone who disagrees.
Hopeless Savage's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:45
Hopeless Savage
What is this madness that has seized you, Destructoid? Donatello was the best. Everybody knows this. He was obviously the best!
franky1029's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:47
franky1029
You know, Partners in Kryme had a song called T-U-R-T-L-E Power. It's at the end of the first live action movie. It says, and I quote, "Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and Donatello make up the team and one other fellow, Raphael. He's the leader of the group. Transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop."
Hopeless Savage's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:51
Hopeless Savage
@galagabug
Gimme a break.
Electro Lemon's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:51
Electro Lemon
Hamza, you dick. I had totally forgotten about Venus. Ugh.


VENUS ISN'T EVEN A RENAISSANCE ARTIST'S NAME
de BLOO's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:52
de BLOO
Donatello FTW bitches.





Teta's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 15:57
Teta
But Mike is the party dude. And that is 4 player co-op, and that´s perfect for a parteeeh.
So Mike was the perfect turtle for the cover.
Hammersmith's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:06
Hammersmith
I always saw Leonardo as the "Cyclops" of the ninja turles. I always liked Michelangelo and Donatello best.
free touch's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:14
free touch
D'uh, who put the lights out.
Jaffacakelover's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:17
Jaffacakelover
It's bad that all 4 turtles aren't on the box (and that bitch Raphael is in the middle), but it's much worse that April O'Neil has gone from curvy TV reporter to size zero ninja! ;_;
Darren Nakamura's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:23
Darren Nakamura
Raphael > Leonardo.
JoeCamNet's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:29
JoeCamNet
Leonardo fans REPRESENT!
Raph is a bitch. The others are cool. LEO IS THE BEST EVER.
That's why he's the LEADER.
cranes88's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:44
cranes88
You guys are all douchebags if you think Leonardo is the best turtle. Leonardo is the worst turtle with his complaining all the time.
Mighty Pinto's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:45
Mighty Pinto
Leo's an ass-kisser. "Do you prefer the left cheek or the right cheek, Master Splinter?" At least Raph went out and did his own thing every once in a while. Plus he is the fastest (as made evident by Turtles in Time). Raph is still my #1, because whiny and complainant as he may be, he was, and still is NOBODY'S bitch.
Naim Master's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:51
Naim Master
Michelangelo > Donatello > Leonardo > Raphael , but Casey Jones owns them all !
hpv's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 16:52
hpv
You're out of your mind, Hamza! Raphael is not only the best Turtle, but he's also the MAIN CHARACTER!!! You can tell the latter from watching any of the movies. You can tell the former because Leonardo is the boring, goody two-shoes bitch (he's the #2 character, since so much of the story is his relationship with Raph), Donatello is unoffensive but also boring, and Michelangelo is totally rad (the second-best Turtle, and the #1 choice for Army of Two: TMNT Edition btw) but he's also shallow because he's just about goofing off, surfing the sewer pipes, and grabbing a slice.

Plus Raph has that slick Bogart costume.

Unfortunately he always gets the shit end of the stick in games because his weapons are shorter and they don't give him the extended reach his fighting style would truly employ to compensate.

That said, they should have put all four on the cover with Raph just a half-step ahead of the others. Maybe pushing Leo off with one hand and brandishing a sai in the other.
F Whipple's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 17:47
F Whipple
Them's fighting words Hamza. Raph was by far the best turtle
DaedHead8's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/07/2009 17:52
DaedHead8
Raph was clearly the best turtle. As others have pointed out, he is the pivotal character in all the stories. Next to him was Michelangelo and Donatello the comic relief and last but not least was Leo, the ying to raph's yang. Really, they are all totally fucking awesome but Raph was just a little bit better than the rest.
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