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[Editor's note: TheGoldenDonut is known for his amazing tip finding skills. In fact, he's so good at it, some of us wonder if he even has a real life. There are times when we won't touch a tip with a ten foot pool. Luckily for us, Donut subjected himself to the horrors of this disgusting game. It's even worse than Spanish For Everyone! -- CTZ

2K Boston’s BioShock has received an untold amount of praise since its release in August of last year. Not only did it secure high spots on almost all major sites’ “Best of” lists (including Destructoid’s), it has also enjoyed large amounts of positive buzz from the gamers themselves. One moment within the game that is often brought up and spoken of with great fondness is the confrontation with Andrew Ryan about ¾’s of the way through. While I won’t spoil what transpired, many people found it to be an incredibly emotional high point within the game. Reverend Anthony even went so far as to call it “the single greatest noninteractive cut scene in gaming history.”

No offense to the good Rev or the masses of Rapture fans out there but as NeoGafer FortNinety recently pointed out in comparison to Animal Soccer World, a game released all the way back in 2005 on the PS2, it’s about as bland and poorly realized as any one of Uwe Boll’s film projects. After watching Animal Soccer World’s cut scenes myself, it struck me as incredibly strange that such a brilliant work of cinematography could have been ignored by the gaming public for so long. Through a bit of research, I quickly discovered the cause was because developer Phoenix Games (makers of other critically acclaimed titles such as Carwash Tycoon, Habitrail Hamster Ball and Roller Coaster Funfare) only releases their games in Europe. It’s truly a shame that such AAA titles would be denied to those of us living in America and I’m sure that every single one of us would gladly have Super Paper Mario take an extra six months to arrive here so long as we could easily experience such personifications of gaming Nirvana … Bwahaha! Okay, sorry, I just can’t write  anymore of this with a straight face.

Hit the jump to read more about this horrible game as well as checking out three more vomit inducing "gameplay" footage.

These cut scenes are bad. Really bad. Really really really bad. In fact I cannot type ‘bad’ in a larger enough font to express just how god-awful terrible it really is. Sure this results in some funny moments but most of the time you’ll be too busy slamming your head against a wall to notice when they come up. Every element is so frighteningly poor that, once put together, creates an abysmally long experience that actually started to make my brain feel numb the longer I watched. The repetitive music, unfluid animation, lame sound effects, terrible writing, the sad attempt at lip-synching, the horrendous voice acting and the fact that there is ONLY ONE voice actor all adds up to create an experience I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

The story in short is that after a dispute over a ball a bunch of talking animals decide to have themselves a soccer game. Forming into two teams, The Wild Dogs and The Jungle Kings, they begin to practice, have the game and end up tying 1-1 in a very unsatisfying conclusion. One fact that I couldn’t help but overlook was that Phoenix Games seems to have pilfered several Disney movies for their characters: Simba and his parents, Bambi, Thumper and Pongo were all readily recognizable. Heck, the lion even refers to himself as “The Lion King” at one point. And to confuse me further it seems that Animal Soccer World doesn’t even have any soccer gameplay in it, just puzzles and a coloring book. Judging by the cut scenes, I don’t hold much hope in the gameplay as being much of a redeeming feature. I truly feel sorry for any children whose parents bought this game for them. Worst gift ever would be a huge understatement.

Part 2: Teams organize and practice. 

Part 3: The “big” game. 

Part 4: Games ends in a 1-1 tie. There will be a rematch in six weeks. CAN'T WAIT.








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69 comments | showing # 1 to 50
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next 50 comments

Dynamic Sheep's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/03/2008 21:26
Dynamic Sheep
If you think that's cool, check this out!
MrSadistic's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/03/2008 21:28
MrSadistic
I think I may have found my personal game of the damn decade.
madninja's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/03/2008 21:38
madninja
Oh my gosh this is so funny, I would by this game just to watch these cutscenes again.
Coonskin05's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/03/2008 21:39
Coonskin05
Sheep, you're a cool guy, but spammming you're blog is not cool shit to do. You know this.
Neonie's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/03/2008 22:13
Neonie
I can take it anymore!!! I CAN FREAKIN TAKE IT! WHY BACKGROUND MUISC WHY! It just went ON AND ON AND ON even when other music was playing that dreaded terrible backgroumd music plays. It's unbearable.
Red TheHaze Veron's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 01:11
Red TheHaze Veron
This feels a lot like pointing at a special ed kid and laughing.
Bob Muir's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 01:43
Bob Muir
Oh god, I could only watch half of the first video. I remember making some crappy cartoon on a PowerMac when I was 8 that was better than this.
Boolean's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 04:16
Boolean
Holy shit that is the worst animation I have ever seen...
Cheeburga's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 05:06
Cheeburga
Amaeeeezing.
Mekanikles's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 05:56
Mekanikles
What is this quasi Lion King setting? Why have I've never seen that fucking dog before?
Joe Burling's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 06:02
Joe Burling
For some reason, I want to see these animal characters have sex with each other.

Oh my God what's wrong with me?!?
ZMTToxics's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 06:14
ZMTToxics
Wrong.

I didn't even read it, but I know there are worse games.

Extreme Paintball? The advertised network play didn't even work. Came out like 12 years ago, my friend still wont stop complaining about it.
Burnt Meatloaf's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 06:39
Burnt Meatloaf
An animation student showed me this a couple weeks ago. I still haven't quite forgiven her.

The ultimate showcase of this developer's efforts is THIS, because it actually made me laugh out loud: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk8qbSISQI4
Darren Nakamura's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 06:40
Darren Nakamura
These videos aren't that bad, considering it looks like it was all drawn, animated, and voiced by one person, alone in his basement.
Demios's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 06:48
Demios
Yet more proof of how awesome c-blogs CAN be.

Spamming and fucktardery aside.
Mekanikles's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 06:57
Mekanikles
From the company website:

"We boast the shortest time required from development to product release in the industry. Ordinarily the average development period for a game is 18 months, whereas Phoenix need a mere 3-5 months."

A MERE
s0lesurviv0r's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:02
s0lesurviv0r
sounds like the development staff was playing more soccer than the characters in the game.
trasparenza's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:10
trasparenza
i knew someday, someone would find out about our biggest Dutch secret.
at least their logo rocks, the rest... not so much.

their accents are horrible, even for Dutch standards.
winojesus's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:41
winojesus
holy fuck.
winojesus's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:45
winojesus
I'm pretty sure this is racist against animals.
winojesus's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:47
winojesus
I'm pretty sure this is racist against animals.
michiyoyoshiku's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:53
michiyoyoshiku
Everybody know Space Giraffe is the worst game ever made
ShawnKelfonne's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:55
ShawnKelfonne
Knockoff Disney characters vaguely play soccer, while narrated by the Vlasic Pickles stork. Excellent.

No wait.. Horrible. That's the word I'm looking for.
This is obviously nowhere near the quality of their other game, White Van Racer.
verkon's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 07:57
verkon
I think it started bleeding from my left ear just by watching that
Zelnor's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 08:08
Zelnor
Dear God, WHY ? Part of my soul just died. The CD-i Zelda Games nearly look adequate compared to this.


I wonder if there'll be actually anyone stupid enough to buy this. And lastly, how can people program something like this and find the insanity to reject the urge to send it back to whatever ghastly place it came from ?
SourGr8pes's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 08:21
SourGr8pes
I would like to create a national holiday, honoring Donut's noble sacrifice to the Destructoid community by bringing us this awful, awful game.

On the other hand, I would like to curse you out, because I think I've suffered permanent braint damage from being exposed to that lead and mercury ridden video.
Anarpis's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 08:38
Anarpis
The Amazon (UK) lists the product features for this "game" as:
* Cartoon film
* Jigsaw puzzle
* Colouring book
* Memory game

So I guess that's the "cartoon film"... morbid curiosity makes me wonder what the "games" are like...
Justin Villasenor's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 09:17
Justin Villasenor
@SourGr8pes

I know exactly what you mean. I don't know how I summoned the strength to watch all of that but afterwards it felt as though my IQ had dropped a good ten points.
BluDesign's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 09:18
BluDesign
Where's the damn gameplay?

Is there any?
AltDelete's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 09:21
AltDelete
Go to 2:35 of the first video and look at the wall.

DAMN YOU APERTURE!!!
BigPopaGamer's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 09:24
BigPopaGamer
I can think of many more things that are pleasurable than watching this video. Like,
Stabbing out my own eyes,
Getting blown by a pirahna,
Going to prison.

I seriously think this should be used as a torture technique for prisoners. Nothing but this playing 24/7 in the native language. I know I would be ready to talk in like 5 minutes.
Eschatos's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 09:43
Eschatos
Gotta love the running animations.
Rockvillian's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 09:57
Rockvillian
I think I just had a stroke
pierrerodriguez's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 10:07
pierrerodriguez
Best dialogue ever.

NurseDuck: Why can't you be nice to each other?
Dog: That is no fun!
Panther: That's right!
munkimatt's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 10:12
munkimatt
I'm more upset by the obvious disregard for the rules of the beautiful game of football. The crocodile was quite obviously using his hands, how did the ref not see it?

Shocking decision.
simonpr's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 10:38
simonpr
the opening screen is ripped from the football match in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, so its not all bad
Kotua's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 11:16
Kotua
AltDelete:
Lol. I would have missed that.
Atlas's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 11:55
Atlas
UR EEE UR EEE UR EEE UR EEE
Atlas's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 11:57
Atlas
UR EEE UR EEE UR EEE UR EEE

2:43 for your information.
Pepillou2's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:09
Pepillou2
WHY PENIS WHY?!!
Alarka's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:13
Alarka
It's like watching and listening to digital AIDS... ARGH!
Some Jerk's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:24
Some Jerk
Man, can't they get sued for those character designs? It's maybe one or two lines away from Disney stuff.
Beaudman's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:28
Beaudman
Pure genius.
MPHtails's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:30
MPHtails
Parts 2. 3. and 4 only get better. From the half retarded Candy bear to the unenthusiastic arguing commentry between the crows and the Inspector Gadget stork to the great line"Stand over there. If you mess up, I'll eat you." in faux mexicanese voice.
moominsean's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:33
moominsean
gotta give them props for making the longest intro ever for a soccer game. it's like the xenosaga of soccer games. and i love the fact that it's the same guy with a funky accent reading the entire script. just too effing cool.
moominsean's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:37
moominsean
and, yikes! what's with the nazi marching song sung by the barnyard band!
DinnertimeNinja's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 12:44
DinnertimeNinja
Wow, I never knew African animals all had borderline racist Mexican accents.

Oh, and for people that think this looks like a Lion King ripoff, go read about "Kimba the White Lion." It's what the Lion King was based off of. FLAGRANTLY. It's very similar to this animation and ALMOST as hilarious.

Check it out, here!

http://www.kimbawlion.com/rant2.htm
Tremulant's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 13:16
Tremulant
Phoenix Games, also responsible for:
the lawsuit-tastic:
"Barry Hatter and the Magical Broomstick"
"DALMATIONS 3"
ikiryou's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 15:14
ikiryou
I know that I speak for all of Destructoid when I say "Nu-ther Match, Nu-ther Match, Nu-ther match".
Matlox's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/04/2008 15:33
Matlox
Wow... How many kilos of drugs does it take to develop such a game? There's no way a sane person could withstand testing this game and telling just about everyone in charge to kill themselves. The marketing division deserves a special round of applause as well: this game was only released in Europe, and yet the title is Animal Soccer World as opposed to Animal Football World. Does this mean they tried a US release and failed? Owned.
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