The REAL political debate of the year
This year, two reigning incumbents are looking to win themselves a second term of power. I am, of course, talking about president-elect of the United States, Barack Obama, and president-man of the eighth console generation, the Wii home entertainment gaming family device.
Really, the difference between the two situations is practically non-existent. Both became world leaders from humble and unlikely beginnings. Both have won praise and criticism for their unorthodox ways. Both have great marketing departments. Also, Obama said "videogames" once a few years ago, so he is totally videogame-related and that makes this post okay.
Anyway, the point is, this upcoming election is not about Obama vs. Romney. It's clearly about Obama vs. the Wii U, and I urge you all to cast your vote for Nintendo this November. Why? Because the Wii's reign was blatantly better than Barack Obama's reign, and the Wii U shall logically run America better.
The Wii has a superior healthcare solution
Sure, people like to talk about Obamacare like it's significant, but how many lives has it saved so far? How many diseases has it cured? I just did a Google search and it turns out both cancer and AIDS are still pretty much around, so thanks a lot, NobamaCOULDN'TcareLESS!
Meanwhile, the healing properties of the Wii are documented and acknowledged by scientists who have been interviewed in newspapers. As you look at the mounting evidence, you find that Wii-habilitation has stopped elderly people from falling down stairs, eliminated fatness and old age, and made arthritis a thing of the past.
There are no pictures of Obamacare saving some little bald kid's life. There are pictures of mad old duffers standing up and waving their hands around. Rejuvenation, for a healthsome America.
The Wii is a job creator
It took Obama four years to lower the unemployment rates below 8% or whatever it was they said on CNN when I was flicking through channels looking for Adventure Time. Whatever. It took the Wii four weeks probably to become a household phenomenon, creating intense demand in retail stores, thus creating more work, thus logically creating jobs. Somebody had to make, package, and sell those Wiis. How many people had to make, package, and sell Obama? We don't know, because he won't show us his birth certificate, but we can assume not many!
Under Obama, people have been so unemployed that they can't even get jobs writing shit like this. Meanwhile, Nintendo has been picking up the slack by hiring people to manufacture, then ultimately dismantle, millions of Wii Speak devices. Don't question me on this, just look at the facts I'm writing.
Stimulating the economy
Talk about a stimulus package? I've got your stimulus package right here, Barry (I am talking about my testicles and penis when I say this, because "package" sometimes means testicles and penis, even though it doesn't in this case, but that is the joke of what I am saying). Barack Obama has done nothing to fix the economy, selling all our money to China, wasting it on education and science instead of giving it to Jesus to invest, and refusing to use his serpent's staff to banish the national debt to the Forbidden Realm of M'ak'Ta'Luao like we keep telling him to.
Obama's stimulus package was a joke, especially when you consider the fact that the Wii basically is a little stimulus package in and of itself. In 2006, before Obama was even born, the Wii was responsible for so many people smashing their television sets with carelessly flung motion controllers, thus the electronics industry experienced a thriving boom. Just look at this graph:
The Wii sold basketfuls, driving profits for GameStop, Best Buy, Walmart, Amazon, and other stores that I don't go to. It sold dozens of extra peripherals, continuing to boost fiscal earnings and economic stability. Not to mention the 10 copies of Okami it shifted, which might've helped too. The Wii IS America's stimulus, and the Wii U will be as well. Vote Wii U!
Nintendo was a more progressive step forward for American culture
Barack Obama made history by becoming the first African-American president of the United States of America. It was a massive accomplishment, a huge step forward for our culture, and it's something I absolutely, positively will not take away from the man. We should all be proud and give ourselves a pat on the back over how not-racist we are. Good for us and our victory, white folks of America. Good for us.
However, as significant as Obama's presidency may be in the history of progressive attitudes, it's still but a speck on the gigantic radar of time, as compared to the huge, gelatinous splodge that is Nintendo. While Obama was soaking up the acclaim and making us all feel not-racist, Nintendo broke real ground by employing people who weren't even really human into positions of power. That Nintendo would promote Reggie Fils-Aime, the world's first executive to be made up of 75% chuck steak, is truly the achievement that human civilization will remember forever.
As most folks know (mostly just by looking at him), Fils-Aime is only partially made up of homo sapien DNA, with most of his body mass constructed from bits off a butcher's slab. There's some pork in there and probably gravy for blood. He's a meaty, salty, oxtail president of Nintendo, something Obama, with all his petty humanity, could never hope to be. God willing, Nintendo will see meat-men in positions of power all over the globe. They can never die, you see, and need not sleep. America has been too prejudiced against homo savories for too long, and Nintendo's paving the way toward acceptance.
Wii did more for gay issues than Obama
Obama has stood with his gay brethren, making a stand for same-sex marriage and pledging his support to a demographic that has, for too long, been downtrodden, dismissed, and ultimately despised by a large section of the voting public. However, Obama is only supporting gay marriage for political reasons, and politicians doing things for political reasons because of politics absolutely fucking disgust me. How DARE a politician be politically motivated? How DARE Electronic Arts support LGBT issues because of reasons? How DARE!? How DAAAAAARE!?!?!?
Sorry to burst your little bubble, BaCRAP OBALMYSUMMEREVENING (Barack Obama), but I'm going to throw my support behind a company that's done far more for gay issues than you could ever hope. I'm throwing my lot in with the Wii, a system that broke gay boundaries with Muscle March.
Just watch the above video, and YOU tell ME what will ultimately be more beneficial for gay rights in America. Some silly bit of paper saying two guys or two gals are married? Or PURE. UNADULTERATED. MUSCLE!?
You decide. I'm just dishing out the facts. Don't ever get me started on Captain Rainbow.
The Wii isn't single-handedly responsible for every bad thing in America
The debt ceiling. Unemployment. The economy. Terrorism. Jeff Dunham. Crime. No freedom. Jeff Dunham. All the fault of one Barack INSANE (instead of Hussein) Obama. As everybody who has watched FOX News under a democratic government can wisely tell you, the president is 100% responsible for absolutely every single bad thing that's ever happened in the country (all good things, by the way, are thanks to Ronald Reagan). The president micromanages the country like he's playing Theme Hospital, and just like Theme Hospital, people keep dying because of bad health care and inflated heads (a metaphor for big government).
Meanwhile, the Wii is NOT president, and thus is NOT responsible for every single bad thing that's ever happened in the United States. How about them apples? Vote Wii U for president, because it's not the president, therefore it's not bad.
Obama promised to bring THE TROOPS back home but didn't do so. He broke his promise and left THE TROOPS high and dry in Egypt, or wherever it is they are. One of them countries. While our boys are fighting his wars, Obamama's Boy is sitting at home, dodging the draft and laughing at all the people he's having killed, because he doesn't give a damn about our military and he is also big government.
While Buttrack Buttbambutt merely promises, Nintendo's at least trying to get our TROOPS back on home soil. Only the Wii was brave enough to draw up a plan of action. Army Rescue, I haven't played it, but the name says all that needs to be said. The Wii has a living document that says it WILL rescue our army. Given half a chance, it'll do it before stupid 2014, too.
The Wii simply has THE better president
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you President Cat:
I. Rest. My. God. Damn. Case.