Like many of my comrades in the gaming army, I was psyched to pick up the Wii edition of Resident Evil 4 this weekend. Then, I remembered I suck at that game. Hardcore. So Leigh, let's take a game you were -- let's call it "special" -- at before, and add motion control. Pan with the left, aim with the right, squeeze B, tap A, hold Z to run... how's that workin' out for you, superstar?
Yeah. Suffice to say my enthusiasm deflated faster than the endowments of a trophy wife who's been hugged too hard. With a wet, flesh-muffled silicone snap, my veins have been flooded with the carcinogenic gel of utter failure.
But you can't blame RE4; it's truly a high point in the genre. And all is not lost -- as readily as I was reacquainted with my utter suckitude, so too was I reminded that Leon S. Kennedy is a stone cold paragon of manly gorgeousness. Quit pretending not to be attracted to game characters; we're all friends here.
Unfortunately, I suspect that the torrid affair of Leon and Leigh is dead in the water before it's begun. The whole "not real" thing? A minor wrinkle, really. Hit the jump to hear the real reason.
I think Leon likes dudes.
Now, I'll concede. It's common among females to accuse intimidatingly attractive men of homosexuality as a pre-emptive offense against rejection. In woman-speak, "oh, he's obviously gay," often translates to, "oh, he's obviously out of my league."
But come on. I mean, come on. Here comes Ada, radiating so much hormonal sexypower that when she walks down the street, dogs inexplicably set upon one another, mating in her wake. And Leon's ambivalent. Okay -- maybe if it were only that. After all, the chick did totally play him. But then the President's panty-flashing, plaid-skirted sorority bop daughter invites him to some "overtime," and, with vague apathy, he declines. Um, what?
Okay. Okay, Ashley's painfully, maddeningly annoying. Her voice makes me want to put kebab skewers into my skull just to stop the noise. Maybe after rescuing her from the shambling ganados nine million times, Leon'd just had enough of her.
But then, there's the way, wracked with a hoarse cry, he cradled Luis Sera as he died. What about the sweat-spattered manly wrestling "knife fight" between him and Jack Krauser? If that wasn't laced with an undercurrent of visceral, testosterone-heady passionate intensity, then I don't know what is. And now, in the Wii edition, I'm going to have to make a very distinct one-handed pumping motion with the Wiimote to beat that fight, while those two men groan and strain against each other. Wow.
And if nothing else -- his hair. It's prettiness of epic proportions.
And I'm so not the first to say this. For your reading pleasure today, I bring you the crafted fanfiction stylings of "firewolf," who has also visualized romantic possibilities between Leon and Krauser:
S.T.A.R.S. and Viagra. The time is ripe for love. And also, according to "chelsehiwatari," the time is also ripe for Leon and Saddler making a baby together. I'll let you figure that one out for yourself. Hint: there are tentacles.
Leon, if you're reading this, now you know I was serious. What do you think of that, Baby? I'm calling you tonight. Forty-seven times.
In a row.
You better pick up.
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9:30 PM on 07.03.2014