The other day, I was thinking about how there is not a lot of gray area when it comes to videogame wizards. (Yup, this is the kind of stuff I think about.) I mean, either you are an awesome videogame wizard, generally liked by everyone and using your incredible magic skills for the power of good ... or you are a giant asshole videogame wizard, not only spreading evil throughout an in-game world, but usually annoying the actual player as well.
Since everything I do in life inspires me to make a list, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to not only make one list, but two! TWO! So here we are! Today I present to you a list of the ten most awesome videogame wizards, followed tomorrow by a list of the ten biggest asshole ones.
Two days. Two ridiculous lists.
While the Black and White Mages in the original Final Fantasy are pretty great, what is so appealing about the Red Mage is his/her ability to not only wield both kinds of magic, but fight with powerful knives and swords as well! See, kids that just started college? Why waste your time majoring in one thing? You should spread out your skills. It is so much cooler.
LOOK AT THOSE ABS!
I was so obsessed with graphic adventure Loom as a child, that I started sewing, just so I could try to be as masterful with thread as the wizard Bobbin Threadbare.
A pair of neon, dinosaur-print, horribly constructed shorts later ... I realized that I will never be as cool as Bobbin.
Two of the three main characters in classic Super Nintendo action-RPG Secret of Mana can use magic. But, for some reason, I have always considered “Sprite” the wizard of the group. With his undeniably powerful attack magic, Sprite’s spells pack a serious punch, easily making him a great member of the heroic trio and one of the most memorable videogame wizards of all time.
Jimmy Woods is the titular “wizard” of 1989’s so-terrible-but-so-awesome The Wizard, but, technically, the real videogame miracle is Haley, the troublemaking loner Jimmy and his brother meet along the way on their journey to Califooooooorniaaaaa.
Sure, Jimmy is great at videogames, but Haley is the one that gives him all the impossible-to-know tips and secrets during his climatic battle playing Super Mario Bros. 3.
Oh, thanks for telling me the location of the warp whistle, Haley! HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE WHISTLE EXISTS?!
For the record, even regular Donald Duck is awesome. He is hilarious in his old cartoons, his extended family spawned DuckTales, the best Disney show ever created, and he starred in Quackshot, a ridiculously great game on the Genesis.
But wizard Donald Duck? Well, that is kind of too much for me to handle.
I debated for a long while about whether Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse makes the better wizard. (And, no joke, when I say “a long while”, I stressed about this for days.) Ultimately, Mickey Mouse took the cake for his wizard transformation in Magical Quest Starring Mickey Mouse for the Super Nintendo.
I mean, look at him in his fashion-forward turban and complimentary robe, fighting a giant spider. Bad. Ass.
The Wizard is easily the best class in classic arcade game Gauntlet. The only thing that makes him less awesome is the fact that he is always the one that shoots the food. “Someone shot the food!” Yes, I know, Double Dribble-speak announcer, it was probably the damn wizard.
There really is nothing about Tellah that isn’t amazing. I know that is a double negative, but Tellah is so awesome that the rules of grammar don’t even apply to him!
Let’s break it down: 1) He is one of the characters in Final Fantasy IV, one of the best RPGs ever created. 2) He is the master of both White and Black magic. 3) He utters the now-infamous line “You spoony Bard!” 4) He is old and grumpy. 5) He avenges his deceased daughter by battling Golbez one on one, casting the forbidden spell Meteor and killing himself in the process.
Vivi from Final Fantasy IX is the kind of videogame wizard that I would want to be friends with. First off, if you are ever picked on by somebody -- BOOM! -- Firaga to the face. In addition, Vivi would be great to take to parties. He is friendly, humble, funny, and his life stories are absolutely fascinating. How many other partygoers can say they were created in a factory to be used as a Black Mage soldier?
In short, Vivi is the most awesome, and will always be the most awesome videogame wizard of all time.
Eff yeah, Vivi. Eff yeah.
What do you think? Do you agree with my picks for the ten best videogame wizards ever?! Are there any other wizards that you think are awesome? If you were a wizard, what kind would you want to be? Black Mage? White Mage? Red or Blue? Time? MY GOD I LOVE WIZARDS!
Sound off in the comments!
And don’t forget to check back tomorrow when the dragon coin is flipped and I list the ten biggest asshole videogame wizards of all time. I am getting angry just thinking about them ...
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7:00 PM on 07.16.2014