Pure. Oscar. Bait.
Mortal Kombat has another live-action movie in the works, and it's probably not going to be very good. That doesn't mean it has to be awful, though. The right blend of actors can turn any film, no matter how cynical, into a classic worthy of the Oscars. Yes, even a videogame movie!
As a budding Hollywood producer, I have slaved over hot data and juicy demographics with my crack team to scientifically distill a perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast -- the actors and actresses qualified above all else to bring this classic fighting game franchise to life. Including our conceptual mockups, we hope to present this to George Lucas himself, so he may give us his almighty blessing.
Behold, the perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast!
[Original Wallpaper source for our opening Willem Dafoe mock!]
Bill Murray as Jax
Bill Murray, famous for his roles in The Ghost Bustings and Charlie's Angels, brings a sense of levity and fun to every role he portrays, a perfect fit for the Bluesy humor often displayed by Jax in the hit videogame. However, Murray knows when it's time to put away the lighthearted goofs and get serious, as we saw in the stunning semi-autobiographical Garfield Day.
Gene Hackman as Scorpion
It's time to be scared, everybody! The sinister Gene Hackman is on the prowl, and you have no idea what he's gone and done this time! Hackman's icy persona and stoic menace make him a perfect fit for Mister Scorpion, who I think is a bad guy from Hell or something. This Hollywood beast has terrified me ever since I was a child, and I've often found myself being incredibly angry at him for no reason. He's the actor we love to hate, and sometimes just plain hate -- well suited for such an intimidating character.
George Lopez as Reptile
Reptile just loves to have fun, and plays pranks on the heroes of Outer Worlds all of the time. Whether it's putting plastic flies in ice cubes before Raiden's gala ball, or telling Liu Kang his ears are really gross even when they're not, you just never know what kind of gentle, audience-appropriate shenanigans Reptile will get up to next. Our focus testing suggests comedian and talk show host George Lopez would be ripe for the role -- a rising star with a lot to offer.
Vince Vaughn as Baraka
Baraka is always smiling because of some funny things he's thought of, and Vince Vaughn has the brightest smile in all of Tinsel Town. It's a marriage made in marketing heaven! Starring in comedies such as George of the Jungle and The Mummy Returns, Vaughn's roles are comical but also a bit serious at the same time, as seen in the more dramatic parts he's played in Bedazzled and Dudley Do-Right. Of course, Baraka is also scary when he needs to be, so we may need to convince Vaughn to threaten some girls so they'll be really creeped out by him on the silver screen.
Jack Nicholson as Goro
All we need are two fake arms and a thong, and Mr. Shining will do all the rest. Watching Nicholson onscreen is like seeing pure magic pour out of a sorcerer's arse, the man's just got charisma dripping from every crag in his chiseled face. As Goro, Nicholson's job will be to act as a force of power for the heroes to overcome, but also say things that will appeal to toy-buying kids, such as "Radical" and "This is hella bunk, you frisky idiot." Goro is important to the monetary post-release support of the movie, but Nicholson's raw energy will bring him to life.
Jennifer Lawrence as Sonya Blade
In all honesty, as great as Lawrence is, we have no justifiable reason as to why she'd be good for the part of Sonya. However, our intensive research suggests that so long as we can somehow convince the star of The Hungry Games to be in this thing, absolutely nothing else will matter.
Kenan & Kel as Raiden
We looked at the hard data, and while Raiden is still a popular character with long-time fans of Mortal Kombat, it's apparent that he's failing to connect with a wider audience. The new Mortal Kombat movie will re-envision Raiden as a hip talking street cat who breaks all the rules, and who better to give this fresh direction form than Hollywood newcomer Kenan & Kel? First rising to fame in his own eponymous TV show, Kenan & Kel has been on an upward climb that's impossible to ignore. We're very excited to have him on board, and expect to see great things from this child prodigy.
Val Kilmer as Liu Kang
Everybody, it's time to meet The Man Who Was The Bat Man! Is there nothing The Kilmeister can't do? There's just one thing -- be bad at acting! In many ways, Mortal Kombat has always been Liu Kang's story, and so it falls to me to deliver a leading man who has the style, the savvy, and the look of this martial arts icon. There is no other man worthy, especially with The Dark Knight Rises still hot on our breath and warm in our bellies.
Mila Kunis as Sub Zero
Incredibly beautiful, and such a talent, Mila Kunis is far and away one of the biggest female celebrities in the world of film, and is perfect as the classic heroine Sub Zero. Cold body, warm heart, that's the motivation behind this latest retelling of the Sub Zero story. Will Liu Kang break her harsh exterior and finally run away with the woman of his dreams before she does what her father wants and marries that no-good son of a wealthy businessman? Watch and find out!
Dakota Fanning as Shang Tsung
We may have gotten lazy at the end.
What's Up? Our panel at PAX Prime 2014, Far Cry 4, Destiny Beta, Vietnam & a ferret
8:00 PM on 07.25.2014