The Non-Newsround #6: Your pear to pear news service

2:44 PM on 06.24.2007   |   Jim Sterling

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Merry Sabbath to thee, my gentle children and welcome to the sixth installment of the Non-Newsround. I'm running on the small amount of sleep that killed Leonardo da Vinci so excuse me if this week's edition bears more than a passing resemblance to a Sony fan video. I shall endeavour to provide at least a small amount of entertainment that you can enjoy on your internetted computertrons.

In this week's concise edition, see what Microsoft really thinks of its software lineup, rock out with the most unwell looking band alive and then gawp at Princess Peach's ... princessy peaches. Hit the jump for the best non-stories of the week.

[This week's Non-Newsrounders were SuMizzle and of course, Joe Burling who also made the image above] 

Does MS think its games are THE sh*t or just plain sh*t?

Discovered on Digg, this rather stupid but amusing observation was made. If you type the word sh*t into the search bar on Microsoft's homepage, the very first result you'll get is Xbox.com's Xbox 360 games page. Poor Microsoft, it's okay. We don't think you're that bad, you just clearly have some self esteem issues that need working on. 

Check it out for yourself, especially if you're one of those scarily zealous Sony fans. This might be something you'd like to screenshot and laminate so you can jerk off to it later. Consider this my gift to you, for those three or four times I said a negative thing about your favorite console.

Are you ready to RAWK ... over the SEGA Saturn?

My friends I give you, via Kotaku, the rockingest band that ever rocked while simultaneously telling the world how much the SEGA Saturn ruled. Hailing from Japan (where else?), they call themselves SEGAROCKS. Showering the gaming community with hair metal guitar riffs and madcap Japanese wailing, these guys are ... horrible. 

They look really sick, too. Not in a metaphorical, "dis is sooo sick d00d," way either. I mean they look like they're suffering from any number of terminal illnesses and they got into music to raise enough cash for chemotherapy. I mean, what is that frontman, exactly? He looks possessed, controlled by the deleterious and malcontented spirit of the SEGA Saturn.

Of course, no report on a terrible SEGA tribute band would be complete without moving images and as such, I present to you three videos from their live performance in 2004 in Tokyo. They were included on a DVD that came from their (hopefully only) CD. So sit back and listen to these three fine tunes; SEGAGAGA March, Go Go SEGA Rally and SEGA Saturn Shiro. These guys really, really like SEGA, by the way.

Princess Peach is a dirty, thong-wearing slut

Awesome.

This is Princess Peach, as shown in the Japanese Gamecube version of SSX On Tour and provided via Gamescape.  It seems that not even the family friendly Nintendo characters are above a little dirty fan service as Peach flashes us her cheeks with wanton abandon, gagging for it like the whore she is. Never before has a woman so desperately begged to have a stiff one up her warp pipe. Little tart, she loves it. 

I'd like to go on tour in HER SSX if you know what I mean. By 'go on tour' I mean, 'put my penis inside of' and by 'SSX' I mean arsehole. That's what I mean. 

The randomly obscure video ending

Yet again, I'd like to leave on another non-gaming related bit of obscure randomness, this week from one of the most beautiful satirical shows ever written, Brass Eye. Here we see Chris Morris, my complete and total idol, lampooning British media in that way only he knows how. Enjoy the kind of biting satire that was ahead of its time: