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The Nintendo Wii sucks (and will come in third)

2:11 PM on 10.27.2006 // backflip10019

In a blatant rip-off of Sheir's rather masculine article about how the PS3 sucks and will come in third, I will take a virtual sh*t on his pick for next-gen success, the Wii. Label me a Ninten-hater if you'd like (even though I've owned every Nintendo console since the SNES, including Virtual Boy), but I hate the Wii and it sucks. Why does my opinion matter? Because I'm better than Sheir who is better than you. Get ready for a major slap-to-the-face, fanboys, because your ass is grass and I'm a bovine. So, you people (meaning Nintendo sympathizers who were unwillfully coerced into favoring the Wii by Nintendo's hoarde of subliminal-messaging trolls) may say to me, "But why? Why does the Wii suck?" Don't worry, friend. In time, I shall enlighten you as to its utter suckiness. First off, I'll begin with the obvious, the crapola that is the Wiimote/nunchuck combo. Seriously, who designed this piece? From the likes of it, I'd say some non-gamer woman who picked up an Xbox controller and said, "I don't get it. There are two control sticks?" Good work, ho. Now I have another remote to lose under the couch. And a nunchuck? I've nunchucked quite a few in my day (most of the time on Halloween while dressed up as Michelangelo), and I can say from experience that this is no nunchuck. A nunchuck is something you kill someone with; I'm pretty sure the reps over at Nintendo would not like for their patrons to kill people with their "nunchuck." Oh and for the record, motion sensitivity, shmotion shmenshamivity. "Not that there's anything wrong with that." But, come on, who came up with the ideas for some of the motions for the controller for this thing? Let's start with Madden '07. Hmmm... you snap the nunchuck up, like the center would to the quarterback, in order to snap the ball. Easy enough, right? Why the hell would any sane person want to make the motions that a quarterback, running back and reciever make? Because you don't have enough friends to get out there and play actual football? Go outside, throw an actual ball to an actual person and actually have fun with it, instead of simulating fun with the mondo piece of craptard that is Madden '07. And how about with other driving games, let's say Excitetruck. First off, the name is absolutely horrid. Excitebike was bad enough but Excitetruck? Why doesn't Activision take Tony Hawk's name and plant it on other game franchises that they create? Imagine this: Tony Hawk's Pro Shopping Cart Racing Adventure of Suck! Also, who wants to play a game where you actually have to steer? I get sick enough driving around town doing chores and such without having to play this borefest. Go ahead, disagree with me. But you are still wrong. The Wii will come in last because it rhymes with "thrii" which can be put into its adjective state, third. (Disclaimer: This article was meant to be funny and meant to bash Cheir because he obviously is two bricks short of a load. This is not flamebait and please do not treat it as such.)

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