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The Memory Card .46: Insult swordfighting

4:24 PM on 12.04.2008, Chad Concelmo 48 comments

The Memory Card .46: Insult swordfighting photo
     PC

Humor is a tough thing to get across in videogames. Unlike movies, videogames can sometimes last up to fifteen to twenty hours. Trying to keep players giggling for that long is an almost impossible task.

It seems the only way designers can successfully pull off a genuinely funny videogame is to delve deeper than just a goofy script full of cheesy puns and old ladies falling down (although that would keep me entertained just fine). A funny videogame needs to somehow mix in humorous gameplay with its smart, quick-witted story.

A perfect example of this is in classic PC adventure game The Secret of Monkey Island. Not only is this game full of highly quotable dialogue (“That's the second biggest monkey head I've ever seen!”), it manages to seamlessly blend its laugh at loud script with some pretty darn clever gameplay.

While I hate to single out just one sequence in a game full of so much hilarious win, hit the jump to relive a moment that I think shows off some of the most creative gameplay in the history of videogames. And, yes, my hyperbole is on fire today!

The Set-Up

Everyone close your eyes (after reading this, of course) and let’s reminiscence about a true golden age in gaming: A time when the PC was brimming with ridiculously high quality adventure games. It was a glorious era, wasn’t it?

One of the companies leading this adventure gaming renaissance was LucasArts, a developer famous for some of the most memorable and classic games in the genre. Although it wasn’t their first game, The Secret of Monkey Island is what arguably put LucasArts on the map and made stars of designers Ron Gilbert and Tim Schafer.

In the timeless masterpiece you play as Guybrush Threepwood, a young man with one desire: to become a pirate!

Like most LucasArts adventure games of the time, The Secret of Monkey Island utilizes a specific point-and-click interface called SCUMM. While its technical specs are a little too complicated to get into here, the SCUMM engine was most notable for its inclusion of verb/object interaction. Basically what that means is this: At the bottom of the screen is a large list of verbs (as well as a handy inventory system). Using the on-screen cursor, players can click on any person, object, or location in the game on the top part of the screen and combine them with a chosen verb to solve puzzles and progress through the story. It’s a pretty revolutionary system and The Secret of Monkey Island takes full advantage of it.

At the very beginning of Monkey Island, Guybrush washes up on the shore of the mysterious island of Mêlée. After exploring this new land for a bit, Guybrush runs into a cast of very eclectic characters -- from a man with two hooks for hands to the island’s beautiful governess, Elaine Marley.

Within the first few minutes of playing Monkey Island the player gets a feel of the game’s truly bizarre sense of humor. Each and every location -- although beautifully rendered and well-designed -- is full of many surreal and genuinely funny situations.

One such situation arises early on, when Guybrush approaches a group of three “important-looking” pirate leaders (located in the Scumm Bar -- hehehe). The pirates inform Guybrush that he must complete three tasks if he ever hopes to prove that he is one of them.

The first task is to steal a statue from Elaine Marley’s mansion, the second involves buried treasure, and the third -- the focus of this article -- is to defeat the sword master Carla in a round of insult swordfighting.

For people that haven’t experienced the greatness that is Secret of Monkey Island, “insult swordfighting” must mean nothing. But for everyone who fondly remembers it as well as I do, insult swordfighting will go down as arguably one of the most creative videogame fighting systems ever.

Once our hero Guybrush takes on the task of defeating Carla, this week’s Memory Card moment occurs: insult swordfighting.

The Moment

After retrieving a sword to complete his task, Guybrush heads into the woods of Mêlée to train for his confrontation.

While most games would offer a traditional swordfighting mechanic, The Secret of Monkey Island throws in a very significant twist: insults.

When Guybrush meets up with a rival pirate while journeying across the island, the game switches to a side-view fighting mode, similar to something you would see in Street Fighter II. But instead of just button mashing and performing shallow combos full of thrusts and parries, the pirates of Monkey Island fight with their wits.

As soon as a battle begins, Guybrush throws out an insult using a selection of insults from the bottom part of the screen (the space usually reserved for the verbs and inventory). If the opposing pirate uses the correct retort, he wins a point and pushes Guybrush back using his sword. If he uses the wrong retort, Guybrush wins the point and attacks with his sword. This continues back and forth until someone receives three points and is declared the duel winner!

Regardless of what retort or insult the opposing pirate uses, once he says something it is added to Guybrush’s “memory.” In future fights, all the retorts and insults that Guybrush remembers are selectable from this “memory menu.” This is how Guybrush trains, by collecting as many insults and retorts as possible!

The trick, though, is knowing which insult and retort combination to use. If a pirate insults Guybrush and he just responds with a random retort he will lose. By listening to the specific insult, the player can guide Guybrush to choosing the correct (and, in turn, the funniest) response.

To see what I am talking about, here is a list of some of my favorite insult/retort combinations:

Insult - This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!
Retort - And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT? 

Insult - Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kabob!
Retort - First you'd better stop waving it around like a feather-duster.

Insult - You fight like a dairy farmer.
Retort - How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

Insult - Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?
Retort - Why, did you want to borrow one?

Insult - I've heard you are a contemptible sneak.
Retort - Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

Insult - I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!
Retort - Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

Insult - I've spoken with apes more polite than you.
Retort - I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

Once learning all of them (or as many as the player feels is necessary), Guybrush finds Carla and challenges her to the ultimate battle of insults. Since Carla uses almost all new insults in the fight, Guybrush must be extra prepared when taking her on.

His quick tongue, combined with his quick sword, eventually lead to Guybrush’s glorious victory!

Instead of celebrating when all three tasks are complete, however, Guybrush is troubled to learn that governess Elaine Marley was kidnapped by the evil ghost pirate Le Chuck (best character EVER!). With sword master Carla in tow, Guybrush collects a surly crew, buys a boat, and sets off to Monkey Island to find the damsel in distress.

You can watch some insult swordfights right here (please just try to ignore the real-life commentary -- sorry in advance):

The Impact

It goes without saying that I adore the originality of insult swordfighting, but there are many other reasons why this brilliant slice of gameplay is so memorable.

First off -- since the pirates you train against don’t always use the correct response -- figuring out which retort to use against an insult is surprisingly tough. While it may seem easy in hindsight, during this time in my gaming life I was used to writing everything down on a piece of paper. Yeah, paper. There was no Internet of even (*gasp*) handy laptop computers to provide hints. Even using the examples I listed above, a lot of the retorts sound like they could fit with other insults. (Also keep in mind that I listed less than half of the total choices.)

When you have collected a large number of retorts, it is pretty tough to know exactly which one to reply with.

The trick is in the details.

Take the first insult I listed: “This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!” The correct response is “And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?” Now, I know that seems obvious reading it back, but notice how clever the retort actually is. In the insult, “END” is capitalized. If you have a giant selection of retorts to choose from, this little detail helps you realize that “TIP” and “POINT” are also in capital letters. And that’s the key to matching everything up!

“You fight like a dairy farmer.” “How appropriate. You fight like a cow.” A cow is on a dairy farm. That makes sense!

Again, “Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all” is the prefect retort for “I've heard you are a contemptible sneak” because the word “heard” joins them together.

Now, I know this sounds easy, but keep in mind that the game doesn’t hold your hand at any point. You never know how many insults and retorts you have to collect before you fight Carla and sometimes you even learn more insults than retorts (or vice-versa).

Through trial and error (and a lot of pieces of paper), insult swordfighting eventually becomes second nature and all the combinations are memorized.

But it is the logical approach to each retort during the battle with sword master Carla that makes the gameplay so brilliant. During this specific fight, Carla uses mostly new insults, meaning simple memorization won’t apply. You have to somehow figure out which one of your already learned retorts will fit with each new insult. By sharing the same sense of humor as the game and watching for similar details, you can successfully figure out which reply to use. It’s really pretty ingenious.

Insult swordfighting is only one reason on a giant list of reasons why I love The Secret of Monkey Island. This witty gameplay, combined with everything else about the game, make it a timeless classic that I will not soon forget.

Ah, the sweet, sweet memories of a glorious time in gaming that has sadly disappeared over the years ...

The Memory Card Save Files

.01 - .20 (Season 1)
.21 - .40 (Season 2)
.41: The tadpole prince (Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars)
.42: Pyramid Head! (Silent Hill 2)
.43: Waiting for Shadow (Final Fantasy VI)
.44: Solid vs. Liquid (Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots)
.45: The birth of the cutscene (Ninja Gaiden)


Next page: More Featured articles stories




Funky Goodness's Avatar
Funky Goodness at 12/04/2008 16:31
Unfortunately, I've only played Escape from Monkey Island...


I FAIL.


But at least I effing loved it. I would play the others but I can't find them anywhere. (Retailers I mean, since I don't have a credit card)
Cube's Avatar
Cube at 12/04/2008 16:45
I thought the Curse of Monkey Island, Escape from Monkey Island sword fighting was better since It had good voice acting that made it funnyer than just text.
digtastik's Avatar
digtastik at 12/04/2008 16:46
I love most every one of those games except for The Dig. I just couldn't dig it. You dig?

I'm only just now getting ready to play the new Sam and Max. I might just have to fire up Grim Fandango in the meantime...

My absolute favorite from that era was definitely Full Throttle though.
Aiya's Avatar
Aiya at 12/04/2008 16:47
EPIC!
mix's Avatar
mix at 12/04/2008 16:48
Well now, I have no played a Monkey Island game in about 6 years and now I REALLY want to play one again!

I must get on it!!
Cube's Avatar
Cube at 12/04/2008 16:54
I got the Grim Fandango sound track with my game when i preordered, it is an alright soundtrack. I never seen the monkey island sound track offered and that should have had the insluts thrown on with it to an music audio track remix.

I was amazed out of all games they gave "The dig" a sound track first. What the hell lucasarts?
gladstone's Avatar
gladstone at 12/04/2008 17:04
Yes!
Druid 01's Avatar
Druid 01 at 12/04/2008 17:05
Insult - I've spoken with apes more polite than you.
Retort - I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

gold
Codysseus's Avatar
Codysseus at 12/04/2008 17:07
This sequence is what got me into adventure games in the first place! The only thing that came close to its sheer awesomeness is the scene with the singing pirates in Monkey Island 3.
ArrestedDeveloper's Avatar
ArrestedDeveloper at 12/04/2008 17:13
How appropriate, you fight like a cow.
lem's Avatar
lem at 12/04/2008 17:25
You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.
I look THAT much like your fiancee?
John B's Avatar
John B at 12/04/2008 17:27
Chad,

This article might be enough for me to leave my wife and search for you. WTF happened to you, LucasArts?!
ArrestedDeveloper's Avatar
ArrestedDeveloper at 12/04/2008 17:30
Every time you do an adventure game Memory Card I get happy in the pants, keep it up Chadwick.
4knuckleshuffle's Avatar
4knuckleshuffle at 12/04/2008 17:39
I remember insult arm wrestling from Escape. I thought it was funny at the time, but comparing it to this, it was insipid, uninspired crap.

Also, Kingdom of Loathing did a parody of this: Insult Beer Pong.
coffeesash's Avatar
coffeesash at 12/04/2008 17:39
Carla was in my video game heroines list :)
Matthew Blake's Avatar
Matthew Blake at 12/04/2008 17:42
Insult swordfighting needs to become the official sport of America.
Wedge's Avatar
Wedge at 12/04/2008 17:42
This was pretty much the only part of Monkey Island (or any LA adventure game) I could get through without a guide.
everybodyruns's Avatar
everybodyruns at 12/04/2008 18:03
This is one of the reasons why Monkey Island (tm) is my favorite game series of all time. Fun fact! The insults were written by Orson Scott Card.



Perry Simm's Avatar
Perry Simm at 12/04/2008 18:04
By the way, the insults were written by Orson Scott Card!
Perry Simm's Avatar
Perry Simm at 12/04/2008 18:06
Dammit, everybodyruns was faster with the nerd knowledge.
Chad Concelmo's Avatar
Chad Concelmo at 12/04/2008 18:57
@everybodyruns and Perry Simm,
Wow. That's really interesting! Thanks, guys! :)
Chad Concelmo's Avatar
Chad Concelmo at 12/04/2008 18:58
@Wedge,
Yeah, the LucasArts adventure games were pretty brutal. I had to use a guide for nearly all of them. :)
MotoRobo's Avatar
MotoRobo at 12/04/2008 18:58
That's a more robust dialog mechanic than Mass Effect used. Maybe Elan from OOTs's insult-bonuses are inspired by este.
SWE3tMadness's Avatar
SWE3tMadness at 12/04/2008 19:04
I have a friend who just beat this game for the first time. After nearly twelve years of playing it.

Apparently, she and her brother got stuck on one particular part (I forget which one), and gave up for a loooooong time after refusing to cheat and use a guide. She only recently picked it up again and beat it.

"Also, Kingdom of Loathing did a parody of this: Insult Beer Pong."

Heh. I didn't know that. I really need to play again, they've added so much new content since I left. >.>
RonBurgandy2010's Avatar
RonBurgandy2010 at 12/04/2008 20:10
Im OK's Avatar
Im OK at 12/04/2008 20:27
My favorite bit from any of the Monkey Island games has to be the Pirate Song immediately after the first instance of Insult Swordfighting in Monkey Island 3. (Skip to around 2:40 for the start of the actual song.)
Dexter345's Avatar
Dexter345 at 12/04/2008 20:57
SWORDFIGHT! SWORDFIGHT!
Verol's Avatar
Verol at 12/04/2008 20:57
@ 4knuckleshuffle

Darn beat me to the punch, almost all of the insults in KoL were from this game iirc.
I can't remember did insulting the pirates do anything in KoL? Like a -5 Monster Level?
DinnertimeNinja's Avatar
DinnertimeNinja at 12/04/2008 22:03
I also loved how the insults came back into the equation when you fought that pirate boss girl, only they worked in new and interesting ways.

And I'll leave you with an article related quote...

Smirk: I say, 'You fight like a dairy farmer.' You resopnd...
Guybrush: You must be thinking of someone else I am not a farmer.
Smirk: I can see we've got a lot of work to do here.
ace of knaves's Avatar
ace of knaves at 12/04/2008 22:32
I really wish this happened in real life.
naia-the-gamer's Avatar
naia-the-gamer at 12/04/2008 22:38
I didn't play this game until about a year or so ago. I don't know how, but I missed all of the Lucas Arts text adventures. The good news is that the game still holds up with the corny humor that is my kind of funny.

I'm not sure many games since have captured humor like a game like this did.
Exquisitor's Avatar
Exquisitor at 12/04/2008 23:04
Thanks to you, Chad. I played through The Secret of Monkey Island for the first time last month. I missed out on it back in its hayday and it's as good as everyone remembers it to be.

I tried to play it all the way through without using a walkthrough and failed miserably. I got seriously stuck on the troll ("Seriously? He wants a Red Herring? WTF?") and I got stuck on Monkey Island a few times.

There's only one more thing I have to say...

HOW APPROPRIATE, YOU FIGHT LIKE A COW!
Timmeh's Avatar
Timmeh at 12/05/2008 01:26
I've played through the Monkey Island games so many times, they've been on every computer I've owned in the last 14 years or so.

Reading this reminds me of how great Lucasarts once was - Maniac Mansion & Day of the Tentacle, Loom, Monkey Island, Full Throttle, Sam & Max, Zak Mckracken Grim Fandango... the list goes on. So many amazing properties and all they do these days is churn out Star Wars games by the dozen and publish the odd Lego game.

Oh god, the screenshots are too much. I gotta fire up ScummVM again.
Uther's Avatar
Uther at 12/05/2008 01:49
I really should play the games again. I never really beat the first.
shinryu108's Avatar
shinryu108 at 12/05/2008 02:11
ah, memories...makes you wonder where all those brilliant ideas went.

now read my lone blog entry.
Jonathan Holmes's Avatar
Jonathan Holmes at 12/05/2008 07:00
One of the best parts of one of the best games ever.

Thanks you, Chad.
Takeshi's Avatar
Takeshi at 12/05/2008 07:01
Monkey Island and Discworld are my two favorite adventures. Hell, my two favorite series of all time!
Overcow's Avatar
Overcow at 12/05/2008 07:54
Best game ever. Period.
TorpedoTed's Avatar
TorpedoTed at 12/05/2008 08:38
I love this game, i love all monkey islands, even that crappy 3d one!
GunSlap's Avatar
GunSlap at 12/05/2008 09:18
AWESOME! I LOVE every single monkey island game (yes, even the fourth one!) Insult arm-wrestling isn't quite as good as insult sword fighting but it still had some pretty hilarious combinations.
lucashoal's Avatar
lucashoal at 12/05/2008 12:14
Three was my favorite, hands down. I wasn't a big fan of LeChuck's Revenge, mainly because the last section pissed me off to no end. Fucking LeChuck.

Also, Chad? You have the sex appeal of a Shar-Pei.
FatherChesz's Avatar
FatherChesz at 12/05/2008 12:52
Ah, good times. Too bad I made the mistake of listing off all the insults to my mom at the ripe old age of 6. (She wasn't exactly thrilled with "You make me want to puke.") Not long after that the CD mysteriously vanished and we found it 8 years later stuffed into an old hymnal. At which point we FINALLY finished the game. Still my absolute favorite adventure game series and in contention for my all time favorite game. Great article!
SpiralViper's Avatar
SpiralViper at 12/05/2008 19:30
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
Fleet3000's Avatar
Fleet3000 at 12/07/2008 13:19
this memory card makes me want to play this game now. thanks chad!
catsithx's Avatar
catsithx at 12/08/2008 08:28
Yeah good times of course it took 4 years and 2 computer later for me to finish that game. Oh well at the time my parents wanted me to go outside instead of being in front of the computer all the time.
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