Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

The HR Helper: How to fire a gamer

4:00 PM on 06.07.2010 // Sean Carey

[Editor's Note: We're not just a (rad) news site -- we also publish opinions/editorials from our community & employees like this one, though be aware that it may not jive with the opinions of Destructoid as a whole, or how our moms raised us. Want to post your own article in response? Publish it now on our community blogs.]

Don't fret, The HR Helper is here to make it all right! We've collected best practices from around the business world to help you trim the fat from your talent pool; don't settle for sub-par performance and geeky Joss Whedon references in the break room.

This month's tip comes to us from World Wide Widgets, Inc. of Philadelphia, PA. Their method for removing pesky controller jockeys from their ranks is efficient, effective, and shrewd. Once we read it, we here at The HR Helper just couldn't wait to share it with you. We hope the case study below helps you to help those undesirable elements in your workforce to finally reach their kill screen! 



MEMORANDUM
Re: Weeding out undesirable gamers from the workforce
To: All_Management
From: Human Resources

In the current state of the economy, the talent acquisition arena continues to be an employer's market. This presents a golden opportunity for the company to upgrade human capital when positions open up due to attrition. Ideally, this attrition would be comprised of the employees who represent the greatest drag on daily productivity and morale -- gamers.

The attitude and effort with which they approach their work is hardly representative of the caliber of employee we wish to cultivate at WWW, so we see a chance in the present conditions to manage as many of these individuals out of the business as possible. Every gamer removed from the rank and file is a space that we can fill with a more dedicated and qualified candidate, or (better still) another friend/family member of someone in upper management with even less experience. We would be remiss not to act on this in a timely fashion.

However, due to their strange obsession with games such as Phoenix Wright, gamers are a highly litigious cultural group, and so we must be prepared to defend our hiring/firing decisions in court. To counter the inevitable objections, we must be prepared to produce documentation which demonstrates the negative impacts of the gamer's proclivities on the success of the business as a whole.

Below, you will find a series of corrective action forms which were created during the termination process of our most recent gamer firing, S*** ****y. Let this documentation serve as a case study for managers and supervisors company-wide to use as a model when driving the culling of unproductive and disloyal gaming types from our workforce. Please contact your HR Generalist if further clarification or assistance is needed.

Go get 'em!

-- Human Resources




This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been presented with a Verbal Warning for behavioral issues and/or poor performance. Reciept of this document implies the employee's understanding that if these concerns are not resolved prior to the next evaluation period, additional corrective action may ensue, up to and including termination.

This Verbal Warning is being issued for the following infraction(s):

Jan. 5th: Absence without medical documentation, coinciding with the release date of Darksiders. Employee stated to supervisor that he felt like "Hell on Earth".

Jan. 8th: Verbal altercation during team strategy meeting, where the employee became irate when others challenged his view that the current issues with growth logistics could only be resolved by "mining more vespene gas".

Jan. 13th: After repeatedly being asked to complete his TPS report, the employee eventually produced a document titled "A Comparative Analysis of TPS Cover Mechanics from Gears of War 2 to Uncharted 2".

Jan. 26th: Absence without medical documentation, coinciding with the release date of Mass Effect 2. Employee informed supervisor upon return to work that he was "back from the dead, and ready to shepherd his workload to completion".

Jan. 27th: When confronted by his supervisor regarding his lack of commitment to meeting deadlines, the employee suggested that "perhaps you should have completed my loyalty mission".

Jan. 29th: Employee attempted to manipulate company PTO Policy by claiming bereavement time due to the death of a home console.





This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been presented with a Written Warning for behavioral issues and/or poor performance. Reciept of this document implies the employee's understanding that if these concerns are not resolved prior to the next evaluation period, additional corrective action may ensue, up to and including termination.

This Written Warning is being issued for the following infraction(s):

Feb. 3rd: Among peers, was heard undermining managerial authority by referring to annual performance appraisals as "lame boss fights".

Feb. 9th: Absence taken for "religious purposes", coinciding with the release date for Bioshock 2. Co-workers were confused when employee mentioned that he couldn't wait to "get swept up by the Rapture a second time".

Feb. 15th: Employee was discovered by the facilities crew wandering around the warehouse after-hours destroying wooden crates and then cursing loudly about there being no gold or cooked chickens inside.

Feb. 23rd: Absence without medical documentation, coinciding with the release date for Heavy Rain. Multiple calls were received by IT Manager Jason Whitlock and Marketing Director Adrienne Shaun from an unlisted number where a male voice screamed over and over.

Feb. 25th: Employee was disruptive during the unveiling of the new company logo, complaining that "the graphics are totally last-gen".

Feb. 26th: Employee engaged in direct insubordination; reported by supervisor as refusing to take on an important assignment on the grounds that his "quest log" was full.





This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been presented with a Final Written Warning for behavioral issues and/or poor performance. Reciept of this document implies the employee's understanding that if these concerns are not resolved prior to the next evaluation period, additional corrective action may ensue, up to and including termination.

This Final Written Warning is being issued for the following infraction(s):

Mar. 2nd: Employee incurred $279.00 in expenses when ruining a company-issued Blackberry by attempting to force UMDs into the charger slot.

Mar 9th: Unannounced personal day coinciding with the release date for FFXIII; employee stated that the CEO's speech about WWW needing a paradigm shift inspired him to make some changes to his own plan of attack.

Mar 16th: Absence without medical documentation coinciding with the release date for God of War 3. Employee stated that he was "staying home to play God of War 3".

Mar. 24th: OSHA Inspector forced to audit the entire warehouse for safety compliance after employee reported hazardous conditions for loading dock staff. When pressed for specifics, employee screamed "ARE YOU BLIND? THERE ARE RED BARRELS EVERYWHERE!" Employee was only calmed after being shown that the red barrels were used to store completed widgets.

Apr. 15th: Employee unsuccessfully attempted to assault a competitor's employee by climbing the sprinkler pipe in the parking garage and then dropping on them as they passed. Employee missed by a wide margin.

Apr. 16th: Employee submitted a fraudulent worker's comp claim for injuries sustained after falling from sprinkler pipe in parking garage.

Apr. 21st: Employee was admonished for continuously sending out interns on non-business related errands in order to "max out the Watts" on his Pokewalker.




This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been released from service to World Wide Widgets, Inc. for behavioral issues and/or poor performance.

This Termination of Employment is being enacted for the following infraction(s):

May 7th: Unauthorized Sephiroth cosplay on Casual Friday.

May 7th: Unauthorized Sephiroth cosplay during company sponsored Happy Hour Morale Mixer.

May 18th: Employee No Call, No Show, coinciding with the release of Red Dead Redemption. Upon returning to work, employee demonstrated remorse and promised to put his "checkered past behind him"; was later seen straddling the copier and throwing looped extension cords at interns.

May 25th: Unauthorized Sephiroth cosplay when presenting fiscal Q3&Q4 outlook numbers to the public during the quarterly shareholder earnings meeting.

May 27th: After being moved to Accounts Receivable, employee was seen repeatedly slapping and striking a client who was late in remitting payment. After being removed from the premises by security, the employee assured his supervisor that he was acting in the best interests of the company, and that he was merely choosing the Renegade option.

The HR Archives --

Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays



Sean Carey,
 Follow Blog + disclosure

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.





 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

Brazen Head avatarBrazen Head
When does Undertale get "Interesting"? Played for 2-3 hours, having fun, but failing to see what it does that's so utterly amazing.
Bartiksl avatarBartiksl
Hello! We've just released a sci-fi mmo Nbela Online for iOS, Android, Steam, etc. Want to enter the deep space from any platform? You can do it now! A lot of information you can find on our site - playnebula.com
ShadeOfLight avatarShadeOfLight
Cannot.look.away.
Shinta avatarShinta
Check out the tracks your party leaves in the snow, and check out how good the river looks. This game is going to be amazing.
Gameous avatarGameous
Quby - The Cube Jumper
Cannibal Steven avatarCannibal Steven
I know I'm making a 4th post by doing this, but for some reason my quickpost posted as multiples... Apologies for the clogging.
Cannibal Steven avatarCannibal Steven
We don't do Friday Night Fights anymore right? Any DTOIDers have Battlefront or WiiU parties that could use the company of An Eager to Cunnilingus Cannibal?
Cannibal Steven avatarCannibal Steven
We don't do Friday Night Fights anymore right? Any DTOIDers have Battlefront or WiiU parties that could use the company of An Eager to Cunnilingus Cannibal?
Cannibal Steven avatarCannibal Steven
We don't do Friday Night Fights anymore right? Any DTOIDers have Battlefront or WiiU parties that could use the company of An Eager to Cunnilingus Cannibal?
Luckrequired avatarLuckrequired
10 years of this. Yeeeah baby!
Vamessi17 avatarVamessi17
Xbox One proves that they're useless.They said that they are better than Sony's PS4 since they've got more and better exclusives and that doesn't mean that they should offer most of the exclusives to PC.Now there's no need to own an Xbox.
Nekrosys avatarNekrosys
Well, I just ordered in an Undertale shirt. Despite my being crap at the game, it's just so charming. So. Ridiculously. Charming. I can't get mad at it, despite my awfulness at the bullet hell aspects.
Ckarasu avatarCkarasu
So, SMT IV: Final looks like it'll make fans of the older games happy. Especially fans of SMT 2.
Flegma avatarFlegma
Do games go in cycles like style? I mean, I think I can just as well play my 1993 Space Hulk (PC CD) instead of getting the moderately new Space Hulk instead.
Occams avatarOccams
Naruto 4 installs on my PS4 and it updates. Game says it can't run story mode during installation. Nothing's installing though. Restarted PS4. Reinstalled. Nothing. Fucking dumb.
StriderHoang avatarStriderHoang
This plays in my head every time I tell myself to stay determined.
Gamemaniac3434 avatarGamemaniac3434
Tonight, I learned what Flanx and MrNovember sound like in discord, listened to the best idea for a movie ever, and learned a little more about the depths of human depravity. A night well spent. Fuck us all.
Ckarasu avatarCkarasu
So, the artist that they used for Street Fighter 5's story mode(the arcade one) is kinda...not good. Go look up Laura's CGs. Colors are pale, and proportions sometimes end up kinda bonkers. Like, "extreme hourglass figure" level of bonkers.
FlanxLycanth avatarFlanxLycanth
Justin Timberlake blasts Kuma in the ass and dies.
ooktar avatarooktar
I'm loving these fighting game elitists trying to give me shit because I criticized Street Fighters Fight Money business model.
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -