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The Future: I'm here to sell it to you

3:00 PM on 01.24.2010
The Future: I'm here to sell it to you photo

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Thanks to my extensive knowledge of things like MARKETING and THE ECONOMY, I know where the future of videogames lies. I know what's hip, trendy, hot and super fly, what all the kids are talking about, and I am here to give it you.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are done with outdated controllers and antiquated gaming standards. The future lies in burning the past and salting the Earth so nothing will ever grow again. 

Only a total square would touch this thing. Get it? Square? Because it's a quadrilateral?

Armed with this knowledge, I have come to offer you the perfect culmination of the age of innovation. I warn you, once you see this, you will be unable to resist purchasing it. Indeed, it is not unlikely that all your wealth will pour forth from your wallet like water from a fire hydrant and it will not cease to flow until the fire that is your unbridled lust for this product is sated. And this fire burns all night long.

Enough teasing. My dear consumers, prepare to have your world, *ahem*, rocked. I give you the iRock.

Pick your jaw up off the floor. You may need a shovel because it fell so far. Disregard any convulsions or uncontrollable salivation. That's merely your body struggling to express the extent of its bottomless desire. Remember to breathe.

Wait, what? You're not convinced? You couldn't pass up that "two-for-one" lobotomy, could you? Fine. Allow me to preach the divinity to which you are witness.

Stuff is hard. Seriously. Have you ever looked at a guitar? The thing has more strings than we have fingers! How is anyone but super-fingered space mutants supposed to play it? Forget that noise. That's why they made the plastic guitar with a handful of big, colourful buttons. It's so easy to use even we earth-born, regular-fingered mutants can enjoy it. Or look at the Tony Hawk Ride board. All the falling fun of real sk8ting and you don't even need to leave your living room.

The iRock is at the head of this trend. It makes the onerous act of picking up and holding a rock easy and accessible with its seamless "rock-emulation technology" without taking up half the room or making a horrible clacky noise. It's fun, engaging and now everyone can feel like a pro!

Hey, you know what's revolutionary? One-to-one motion. Did you know every waggle of the Wiimote is like a step towards evolutionary ascension? Natal and Sony's wandy thing will take humanity further, but if you're really looking to drop kick Darwin, you need the iRock. One-to-one motion has never been so onederful*. Just hold the iRock in your hand, lift it and it will move up. Tilt it sideways and it tilts. Move it reverse-downwards and it will perfectly mirror your motion like some sort of reflecting glass.

*I spent three and a half years at a Tibetan monastery on top of a mountain coming up with that

Can your decrepit controllers do that? What good are their "buttons" and "precise control" when there is no way for the game to know if you're flapping your arms or spinning in circles? What cruel, heathen gameplay mechanics can exist without incorporating jerking your hand back and forth in the air?

Then there's 3D gaming, the most necessary innovation since the on switch. The iRock seizes this trend and rides it like a cowboy on a bomb, implementing 3D effects so real it's like you're really seeing, holding and even smelling a rock. Best of all, there's no special TV or admittedly snazzy glasses required! The 3D effect is so true to life it works out of the box and is, in fact, so amazing scientists are considering classifying it as "4D" (the fourth D stands for "awesome").

I can see you're convinced. I don't need to ask you how many you want, but how many you can carry (on that note, the iRock is as light as a 10kg bag of feathers). Now, payment will have to be in advance and will include a particularly steep "payer's fee". Public release of the iRock is tied up in some pretty heated legal battles, but you have our guarantee* your product will be shipped just as soon as possible, probably around the time the iRock 2.0 marketing campaign kicks off. So, whip out those credit cards assured that you're investing in the pinnacle of the future of gaming.

*Guarantee not even remotely valid

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