As promised, here is Destructoid's attempt to "review" the various parties of this year's Tokyo Game Show. Some might think that doing so would be a bit tasteless, as these are usually private events, but people come to expect this kind of tastelessness from Destructoid, so we won't disappoint. Yes, we're the type to "kiss and tell."

To be fair, the various parties that the Destructoid TGS team attended were all fun, but we quickly noticed the differences between them. We thought it would be fun to rate the parties based on several criteria, including categories like food, drinks, games, entertainment and more.  

Hit the jump to see the full party breakdown. 

VENUE - winner: Sony Cocktail Party, runner-up: both Microsoft parties

Sony might have had the home base advantage here. Their party took place in Sony's United Showroom at the Sony Corporation building in Minato-ku, Tokyo. The building itself was pretty classy, complete with slick Sony elevators. The party took place in a room called The Square, and was decked with huge screens, samples of Sony products, one of Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man costumes, and even an actual Mini Cooper. Sure, none of that had anything to do with video games, but it was all impressive-looking, and kept us entertained while the others played Lair for some unknown reason.

Both Microsoft parties we attended tied for second place, as they both took place in the New Otani's Shell Room, a poolside venue. The Tecmo party was in a small club with little walking room.

FOOD - winner: Microsoft's Intl. Community and Press Party, runner-up: Tecmo Press Party 

Microsoft's International Community and Press Party wasn't their biggest bash, but it had the best food. We dined on tasty yakisoba, various fried pieces of seafood, spaghetti and meatballs, and more. The roast beef was somewhat questionable, although it was definitely good enough for Frenchy D.

Although limited in quantity, Tecmo's grub was almost as delicious. Unnamed Asian noodle and chicken dishes had us licking our chops, and the dessert cakes had us coming back one time too many. Sony had some great desserts, and the chicken meatballs were great, but the yakitori stick I ate actually had to be spit back out -- it was that foul.  The TGS International Party gets last place in this line up, as the food was iffy, and the sushi fishless. Actually, all of the sushi at all of the parties were fishless. What the hell is up with that?

DRINK - winner: Microsoft's TGS Party 2007, runner-up TGS International Party

You know that Destructoid likes to get its drink on, so we placed the candidates under heavy scrutiny here. Let's be real here: this is Japan, and they know how to drink in this country. Every party fared well for different reasons, but Microsoft's TGS Party 2007 won due to great service.

First off, I should say that we weren't... necessarily invited to this party, but we made it in anyway. Upon arriving, we found that invited guests had their own tables and chairs. Niero, Nick, and I, (along with various friends) had no place to sit, so we found a nice place on the ground to make a picnic. A waiter came to our little camp, squatted down to our level, and asked if we would like something, and our dear friend Scott (Famitsu) said, "Yes, can we get a bottle of beer? Wait... how about four bottles of beer... no, wait, five bottles of beer!" After a few short minutes, the waiter came back with 5 large bottles of Sapporo and glasses, squatted down again, and set them down in the middle of our camp site. How's that for service?

The TGS International Party took second, as they had a drink buffet of shochu, Japanese whiskey, Japanese beers and various other goodies out and ready for the drinking.

ATMOSPHERE - winner: Tecmo Press Party, runner-up: Microsoft's TGS Party

Even though Tecmo's party was in the smallest venue (essentially a club), the atmosphere was great. Lovely maid girls brought guests all they could drink while dancers (and drunken guests) did their thing on the dance floor to the sounds of a live DJ. Yeah, it was small and crowded, but it seemed like people were having more conversations due to being forced together, and I made a few new contacts because of it. 

Microsoft's TGS Part was Arabian Nights-themed, and while we need to save the entertainment aspect for another category, the decorations, lighting, and music really pulled things together. It would've been really memorable if I hadn't downed so many beers.

 
ENTERTAINMENT - winner: Microsoft's TGS Party, runner-up: Tecmo Press Party

Microsoft pulled out all of the stops with this one and lined up live dancers, skits, fireworks, music, and crazy prize giveaways that had to be seen to be believed. Let's put it this way: Xbox 360 ninjas battled PS3 ninjas on stage, an afro-ed Japanese celebrity made a fool of himself, and sexy Arabian Night-type dancers did their thing for the crowd. Even though we spotted Tecmo's Itagaki checking his watch once, the rest of us were thoroughly entertained. The whole thing ended with a fireworks display that ended with streamers exploding everywhere. It was very impressive.

Tecmo gets second place only because none of the other parties provided entertainment. We all dug the crazy dancing guys that came out from time to time, but that was about it. Well, I guess the French maids were entertaining in a sense.

GAMES - winner: Sony's Cocktail Party, runner up: Microsoft's Community and Press Party

You'd think that all of these events would be packed with games, but that simply was not the case. Sony was the only one that really had games lined up for guests to play. Pain, Everyday Shooter, Loco Roco Cocorecho, Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, Eye of Judgement, Trails of Topoq, Hot Shots Golf, and many more were all playable. Some attendees were even crazy enough to choose gaming over free drinks! We counted points off for the silly "do not take drinks beyond this line" line, but Sony still won anyway.

Microsoft's Community and Press Party invited Japanese celebs (none of which we recognized) to play a some games with attendees poolside. They also had various XNA games available for those sober enough to give them a spin.

OVERALL WINNER - Microsoft's TGS Party

There can only be one winner, and of course, it had to be the one we "worked our way into." It was less about what was there and more about who was there and what we did with them. For Nick and I, it was good to finally get some time to see Mr. Destructoid himself, who had previously been very busy working Japan to make Destructoid the world-conquering force it will one day become. We also enjoyed the company of friends like Scott (installer of blackness, Famitsu), Jesse (from Terminal Reality), Adam Sessler (G4's X-play), Hugo (Wireless Gaming World), and John (Hudson), all of which were members of our little picnic.

Actually, we met great people at all the TGS parties. We look forward to partying with you again soon. 

We leave you now with a few more choice shots from the TGS parties.