1: Exaggerate, twist, but above all ... LIE!:
If you have a problem with videogames, there's every chance that you have a valid and sensible reason for doing so at heart. Let's face facts, though -- when has being sensible ever made the headlines? If you want your kids to stop playing Grand Theft Auto, then you're going to have to exercise your right as an American to make stuff up and invent things until you get a call from the local news network. This is for America!
Simply saying, "There's no conclusive proof that videogames are psychologically damaging, but it's best to play it safe where kids are concerned," is NEVER going to make the public listen. Lying in the name of morality isn't immoral, so do it as often and as loudly as possible. Society enjoys being lied to, anyway — it's how FOX News still operates — so you're basically doing the public a service.
In order to get your point across, if you want to claim that a game has "realistic sex" in it or that it "simulates murder", then you need to go for it. The stuff in the game is almost as bad as all that, and "almost" is as good as "absolutely completely" in today's modern, hurly-burly world.
2: Fear is the best insurance that money can buy:
Backed by your hyperbole and twisted truth, you need to whip up like-minded crusaders into a frenzy of terror in order to make sure you really blaze some trails. Scare-mongering was voted America's favorite mongering 2006, beating out fish-mongering and rumor-mongering by 23% of the votes. In order to spread your fear like wildfire, you need to target the right demographic -- the bored, overemotional housewife with nothing better to do. FOX-Fodder, as I like to call them.
Housewives are walking goldmines to anybody looking to start a moral campaign against games. They are the Scooby-Doos of society -- easily terrified and barely intelligible. They are also your prime recruiting stock, so make sure to cultivate them wisely. Once most people give birth to a child, something happens in their brains to instantly turn them into confused and illogical loudmouths who will do anything you want them to in the name of protecting the children. We have been able to prove this with brain scans from Harvard. I can't let you see the scans, but I assure you they are real.
People fear what they don't understand, and destroy what they fear. It's pretty much how any dictator rises through the ranks to seize power from a bleating and dazed populace. You do want to be a dictator, don't you?
Some might say that using terror to get your own way is pretty much what someone in Al-Qaeda would do. I say that anybody who thinks like that is a terrorist -- GET THEM!
3: Your experts are experts. Experts that contradict you are not experts:
Being able to say "research shows..." is one of the greatest gifts that God ever gave us. Nobody can ever argue with research, because it shows so much. The best part of it is that nobody in the mainstream media ever actually asks you who did the research, so you don't even have to actually get any real statistics. Just know that there IS research out there, showing things. We saw a bit of it once.
The problem is, you may encounter some persistently annoying gamers (read: sociopathic basement-dwellers) who have research of their own that shows just as many things as YOUR research. Never fear, though, because you are armed with the SECOND greatest gift that God ever gave us -- ignorance!
All you need to do to counter the conflicting evidence is to discredit the experts who are contradicting you. It doesn't matter if Dr. Tanya Byron says that there's no conclusive proof over the harm games can do, and who cares what Doctors Kutner and Olson think? You have some colorful patterns on a piece of paper, and NOBODY is beating that! Clearly anybody who disagrees with you doesn't know what they are talking about and doesn't deserve to be discussed. Now you can keep on using your real experts and never have to worry about tackling the educated opinions of those that disagree with you.
People can find an expert opinion to back up any claim they make. Your expert opinion is the only valid one, however, because it's yours!
4: Use terms like "desensitize" as if they actually mean something:
The right buzz words are essential for the budding anti-games lobbyist, because buzz words allow you to make things sound bad without ever having to explain what, exactly, is so bad about them. Saying that games "desensitize" people to violence is an incredibly popular tactic. Nobody actually knows the terrible consequences of media desensitization, but it just sounds like they'd be negative, so naturally anything that could desensitize is automatically evil. Even though the desensitization claim doesn't actually mean anything, the population will be eating out of your hand -- if only because you used a word with six syllables in it, and people are too stupid to understand it.
Since you're already building a new career on half-truths and lies, you might as well make up some brand new terms as well. "Torture porn" is a tried-and-tested one, but this particular writer would also suggest "PreySlay-tion 3," "SINulation," and "Murderactive Killtertainment."
5: "In GTA, you can hire a prostitute, beat her to death and then steal her money.":
Get used to saying this a lot, because it's just as shocking as it was when it was first said in 2001. Also, practice being outraged as you say it, as if it's brand new and still absolutely inconceivable. People have the attention spans of flies, and will have forgotten that they heard the exact same sentence from another pundit only yesterday.
6: Pass yourself off as an expert:
Because nobody listens to just ANY ranting fundamentalist conservative or spineless whiny liberal, you will need some credentials to back up your outrage. Don't worry -- they needn't be meaningful credentials, just something vaguely cobbled together that a news outlet can run underneath your name to make it look like you know what you are talking about.
This is all a matter of perspective. For example, have you ever once spoken to a person in passing who might have once played a videogame? Perfect! Now you can claim to be someone who has "experience in dealing with the core interactive software demographic." All it takes is half an hour reading the Columbine Wikipedia page to qualify as a "school shooting and gun crime researcher." It's easy when you know how to spin.
If you don't quite yet feel legitimate enough, you could always join an effectively powerless organization that has an official sounding name. Not only will you be taken more seriously, the undue sense of power is quite addictive.
7: It's always about the children:
Children are wonderful little tools that help you push forth any agenda you want. Don't like alcohol? Have it prohibited in the name of saving the children. Have a problem with wrestling? Say kids will die if they watch it. Building on the fear that parents feel as soon as they squirt a baby out into the world, you can easily shape society in your own image by claiming you're doing it for the kids. Nobody wants to be seen supporting anything that would harm children, which means you will become infallible -- if anybody disagrees with you, they are clearly in favor of children becoming hurt, and that probably means they're a pedophile. Instant discredit to Pedo McTouchyKids, and nothing but applause for your upstanding, morally impeccable self.
8: Circular logic works because circular logic works:
If you're serious about your anti-games stance, then you're going to have to shed that logic like it was a bra and you were Amy Winehouse. There can be no room for level-headed discussion here, because otherwise people might realize that everything you've been saying is bullshit, and that's not going to get anything banned.
Because a percentage of killers have played violent games before, violent games clearly lead to killers. It is this logic that The Sun newspaper uses to imply that everyone in Austria likes to lock their daughters up in basement dungeons and molest them. It really works, too! Once you've found a common thread that joins a murderer with a videogame, however flimsy, you now have an undeniable link to crime and gaming. Once those pro-gaming pixelante e-tards hear your stunning logic, they will be instantly silenced and everyone in the games industry shall be sent to prison, where they belong.
9: Hypocrisy, always hypocrisy:
Why does Matt Damon's mother find violent games a problem, but suffers no such issue with Damon's violent movies? Because Matt Damon is IN those movies, stupid! You don't need any valid reason to justify demonizing one medium while accepting another. Once you become comfortable in your hypocritical skin, you'll find that pursuing your agenda becomes ten times easier.
The most amazing thing is that your terrified, braying followers will NEVER question you. You can star in a movie in which you play a heartless killing machine who relentlessly quests to destroy Linda Hamilton, AND star in the game of the movie, yet STILL attack violence in games and those who blindly obey you won't bat an eyelid. How awesome is that? It must be how God feels, and since God's clearly on your side in this crusade, it all makes sense. Maybe you're Jesus. You should check.
Being a hypocrite is very important, because if you were a true, consistent moral fighter, then you'd strive to ban television and books as well, and you can't do that -- you LIKE television and books.
10: Never actually PLAY the game:
The most important, crucial rule of all. Never, under any circumstances, actually PLAY the game -- not because you think it'll turn you into a killer, you know that's bullshit -- but because it's easier to make stuff up if you've never seen it. I think that's how Scientology became so successful.
Why else does FOX News draft in psychologists who haven't played a game, and just tell them what's in it without showing them? Because if they saw it, they'd probably realize all the claims were pulled out of some hack's ass, and we can't have that, not when there's stuff to ban. If you've just been told a game is "like porn," then it makes all those little comments about "digital graphic sex" all the more easy to swallow.
Besides which, why should you have to play the game? After all, YOU have a life, not like these joystick junkies who spend all their free time playing Doom in 2008, on their ... what do they call them, Playing Stations and Nintenders? Whatever they are called, everyone knows that gaming is just for kids, despite the fact that so many adults play them. Actually, the high percentage of supposed 30-year olds playing games were probably just very tall, very hairy infants. It's ridiculous to suggest anyone over the age of ten plays a game that's rated 18.
And that's how it's done. I hope you enjoyed these rules, and now feel prepared to enjoy a rich new life dedicated to the systematic destruction of everything you do not know or understand. First games, then the gay people! That's how we roll.
This is my favorite one by far. Keep 'em coming!
The only golden rule I know is Money = Power. The Rich out weigh the power of the people. Thats why the US has super delegates.
I don't care about the anti-gaming lobby because in the end of things, I'll still have games. Nothing they can do will permanently destroy gaming.
And besides, even if they do get things messed up for a while (censuring) ten years down the line it won't even matter. The product will reach the masses someway or another. And if things do get censured, well, there are more important things to worry about anyway.
Awesome list. I was loling the whole time.
It's for the children, if you disagree, you're for the children!
I want to birth your child, Sterling. Pure gold.
Jim you are awesome! Great fun!
Volomon: That's only the Democratic party that has Super Delegates.
And yeah, all of these are completely true.
Jim, you are teh awesome. I got some strange looks from loling at this.
Wait, not just kids play videogames? Don't be ridiculous!
This one was actually pretty fucking brilliant. Well done dude.
11: Use one game to typify the entire medium. That seems like a no brainer to me.
nice, i love your ten golden rule articles!
I especially love number 3. That's exactly what JT kept doing to you when you cited other "expert" comments that rebuffed his own.
This is the best post I think I've ever read from you. Bravo, Mr. Sterling.
I agree, that last rule is the most crucial. It becomes really difficult to attack a game as pornography after you actually see the content of it.
i, for one <3 fish-mongering.
I think every anti-games lobbyist should be forced to read this.
Left-wing liberal bullshodder of a blog entry.
This was fucking brilliant. I actually got pregnant from reading this. Well done.
Jim Sterling: Defender of Games!!!
Seriously man, this was awesome.
Put a baby in me please. NOW!
This is eerily similar to the fanboy one.
JT is an anti-gaming fanboy.
I'll be on my way to rollin' with Jack Thompson now!
damn.......how many golden rules are there anyway? Anyhow...keep up the good work Jim!!! :D :P
Every single one of these is pure gold. Best post I've read on this site.
Tons of willing vessels for JT's spawn, scary. #6 and #10 working in tandem have always made me want to face palm myself.
Brilliant!
Hey Jim! You should make some kind of section for your Ten Golden Rules articles so that they're all in one happy place, like a feature or something.
If housewives are scooby doo, does that make Jack Thompson Freddy, the "trap the monster mastermind?"
Wiked sik article Jim.
In your small way you showed Jack whos boss even if its not directly to his face. (hes too much of a fool to lsoe anyway)
This list can be applied to pretty much everything Fox News does.
brilliant. now everyone can be a lying video game insulting dumbass! i can't wait to get started!
note: rampant blatant sarcasm.
About the Matt Damon thing ...
http://www.quartertothree.com/inhouse/news/436/
That was great. Number 10 made me lol, because it's oh-so true.
amazing
great work!
someone needs to send this to mr jack. that's way funnier than saying you want to chop his nuts
This one is the second best after the internet gaming one!
Awesome list. I've always been confident that the anti-games lobby is doomed to failure in America, evidenced by the numerous court cases that rule their efforts unconstitutional. I do however, worry for or gaming friends abroad, since things seem a bit more harsh in places like Germany and Australia.
"You should check." That had me laughing out loud here at my workplace.
Virtual orgamic rape much?
meh stale read...
anybody who actually cares what the anti-gamer lobby has to say isn't a serious gamer
I gotta be honest, I see no point in these lists. I already know what's going to be in each list item based on the header, as will most people, I'm sure, so it kind of feels like a waste of time to read them. And yes, I did read some, and yes, I knew what was going to be in them.
There's a huge flood of "Media hates games," stuff on Destructoid the past day or two. I'm hoping it's not going to be a long going trend. I kind of want to read about something new, if you know what I'm saying.
@HungLaser
People SHOULD care. These are the same douchebags influencing those who end up putting sin taxes on video games, like the moron in New Mexico recently.
Apathy may be en vogue, but it's fucking retarded. It matters.
I'm still shocked the world hasn't ended, how long has GTA IV been out?? Almost a week?? Any day now we'll all be suffering.
@HungLaser I would disagree that if you care about the anti-gamer lobby you aren't a serious gamer. Would you like to compare e-peens?? Seriously, if you don't care, no problem, but if there isn't noise from both sides of the fence, then the Thompson's may actually achieve something.
@ Wry Guy
I'm sure that if/when the legislation gets passed that video games must now be censored, you'll want to be on the pulse of information as to what is going on. It's important to keep up with who is spouting lies and who are the people trying to combat the stupid epidemic, though I believe it's next to impossible. If you don't like it, oh well, no one is forcing you to read the articles. Information on up coming releases is probably coming in awful slowly, or they would post more of it.
What's going on with video games is a lot like what happened with rock music and things like that that are now completely exceptable. Though I do definitely fear that this time around, they have a much better chance of winning, seeing as how their ideals and messages can be sent about at a blinding rate.
Besides that, fantastic article Mr. Sterling.
'8: Circular logic works because circular logic works:'
Brilliance sir!
@ Wry Guy
Appreciate your honesty and respect your opinion. But I disagree. Like it or not, there is NEWS here - i mean, in such a way that this raises awareness. It may be delivered in a fun way, but people get it.
I think it's important that people stay aware of the Thompsons. You take your eye off them and they can get away with too much. So I like stuff like this. It's funny, informative and entertaining.
You don't have to read it. If you already knew the list, why did you even click the jump? Why didn't you just move on to a post you'd enjoy?
Looking at the comments, its pretty clear that the majority of folks enjoy this kind of funny stuff.
Once again Sterling, This is a delicious read. VIVA LA DESTRUCTOID!
Sterling hits another one out of the park. Great job, Jim. :)
You forgot one: Constantly mention points, as if they weren't a concept that was phased out with arcade games 25 years ago.
"You get points for killing cops." is an old standby that is guaranteed to be a winner
Scare-mongering was voted America's favorite mongering 2006, beating out fish-mongering and rumor-mongering by 23% of the votes.
One of the better lines in the best “Ten Golden Rules” yet. Great write-up, Jim!
I think that Super Mario Brothers 3 had too strong of Furry References. The main character puts on a tail and racoon ears in his show of support, making children think Inter-species sex acts are ok.
Deserves a digg!
It must be how God feels, and since God's clearly on your side in this crusade, it all makes sense. Maybe you're Jesus. You should check.
A good read until I came to that part.
This is the most amazing thing I've ever read.
awesome
@SchizoRogue: religion and gaming dont mix, dont try and mix them. its the internet, c'mon. people deal with racism everyday, thinking a religion is excerpt is a mistake
maybe this should be added:
if you are anti (insert game here) and having a debate with some on the other side of the fence then be sure to interrupt then constantly but then act pompously outraged should they dare to do the same to you.
those computer gaming heathens.
great article :)
Dammit Sterling, how dare you go against the status quo. The mainstream media, who stands to lose millions upon millions of dollars in advertising due to people playing video games instead of watching vapid moronic television, say that video games are bad. This has to be true, or else the MSM wouldn't put it on TV! Simply because some failure of a person trying to hock a book gets pressured by an informed gaming journalist because her opinion is completely based on hearsay and conjecture doesn't mean she has the best intention for everyone!
Shame on you for not doing what you're told, Sterling. You will never secure a job in the failing old media.
amazing
great work!
someone needs to send this to mr jack. that's way funnier than saying you want to chop his nuts
Regards http://ooyes.net
Schizorogue:
"A good read until I came to that part."
Why? Did you think I was attacking Christianity? While I have my opinions on religion, I learned to leave them off the frontpage of Destructoid. That parts (actually my favorite) wasn't attacking Christianity, it was attacking the arrogance of certain Christians who legitimately feel God is on their side in the war against games (and who have actually said this).
I think, if God DID exist, he would not support an anti-games lobby. He would think it was fucking dumb.
Wonderful article, Jim! I just heard the Jack Thompson interview yesterday and I have to say that he's a prick.
I'm willing to bet that, should Jack Thompson actually read this, either his head would explode, or he would use rule #1 to make SURE everyone knew, because it was VITALLY IMPORTANT, that this article was somehow an example of how screwed-up the people who play games are.
Also, I like how the rule surrounding circular logic is #8, basically the sideways infinity. Great job Jim!
Where the fuck did you get this information? He's on to us!!!
You also forgot the rule where the legitimate statistics we DO use HAVE to be at least 10+ years old.
An entertaining and good diagnosis of the anti-games kooks, but jeez whats with all the America bashing? You talk as if nerdy freak parents and quixotic moral crusaders are a uniquely American phenomenon.
It is ironic that in the course of rightly deriding irrational fear of video games you engage in the same kind of irrational bigotry.
Wait ... what? What America bashing? You apparently are not aware that Jim is a big fan of the U.S. as a country and in factis planning on moving over here. I'm a red-white-and-blue American, and he's absolutely right. It has nothing to do with the USA.
Extremist fear mongers are extremist fear mongers no matter what country they're in. It's just that our politically correct yet fundamentalist ideology breeds this kind of intolerance. Add that to freedom of speech and it puts a bullseye on the US faster than on any other country.
Of course, the Brits have a problem understanding our love of guns even though 99.99+% of gun owners have never used them against another human being.
"Then you're going to have to exercise your right as an American to make stuff up and invent things until you get a call from the local news network. This is for America!"
"scare-mongering was voted America's favorite mongering 2006, beating out fish-mongering and rumor-mongering by 23% of the votes."
Those would be two examples.
I don't know what Jim personally thinks of the U.S. nor is that at issue; the piece itself repeats that trendy rubbish about the United States being somehow unique in fear mongering. Nonsense, need I remind people of the Mass Effect bans in Singapore, rampant censorship in China and Russia, NOT TO MENTION the much hyped stories played in the UK about GTA purchases being linked to stabbings, beatings etc. These are just a few examples out of many, this kind of crap happens the world over. Any game anyone wants is released in the US without any censorship, unlike many other countries. Though attention-whoring kooks freak out about GTA, this is hardly an American invention and I'm tired of people trying seem cutting-edge by pretending that the US is some police state populated by religious zealots. I'm sorry but this is a trite and unoriginal caricature, which though popular, bears little relation to reality.
doktorwyzzerd1:
Wow, America bashing. Okay. I'm sorry you took it that way, but that's not what I was attacking. For this chapter of my series, I was trying to channel, in part, the GTA style of parodying American activists. I love America, as has been explained, but I find American jingoism hilarious.
I am not saying only Americans are jingoistic or extremist. What I am saying is that it's damn funny when America does it. C'mon, you didn't find Team America funny? Can only Americans poke fun at America?
I take a lot of shit for being British and I don't mind, because there's a lot about Britain to poke fun at. Poking fun at a particular brand of American faux-patriotism is hardly bashing an entire country.
Please, appreciate the context of the post, or you're no better than the anti-games lobby itself.
OK fine Jim, I, on the whole, like your posts and now understand more fully the context of your hateful jibes at my beloved fatherland. I'm still probably not any better than the anti-games lobby (I happen to like John Wayne/John Ford westerns for one example), I suppose it got my goat because I see that hyperbolic view of America repeated in total sincerity quite often. I don't mind the US being made fun of, we certainly can be ridiculous, but I do resent caricature presented as truth.
Totally not my intention. I was spoofing only the anti-games lobbyists and nothing else with this one.
Jim
I misunderstood the point you were making, my apoligies.
Blank
I didnt mix them, the article did.
Everyone else
whether you are a christian or not, you cannot deny that christianity is the whipping boy of the modern world. You cannot attack gays because they are a protected people, you cannot attack muslims because they are like gays, you cannot attack tree hugging enviormentlists because they are like muslims. "Christians? yeah you can attack them" says the world. So when I see what I percieve to be an attack on my faith(real or not) I feel obligated to defend it. If any of you are christians you should feel the same way.
Is it me, or are peoples' abilities to detect rampant piss-taking somewhat deficient today? O_o