Tattoo Assassins: One of the worst games to never come out

4:06 PM on 01.31.2008   |   Hamza CTZ Aziz

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Our pals over at I-Mockery have unearthed an arcade game that, thankfully, was never released to the general public. The game is called Tattoo Assassins and it was designed to compete with Mortal Kombat. The game was made by Data East's pinball division in a period of eight months before getting canceled.

As far as the story goes, well, Off-road Velocirapter Safari has a better story line than this piece of crap:

Mullah Abba, a grown man in diapers, has discovered a magic ink that can come to life for brief periods of time. You could use it to tattoo people, too, but only certain people could receive the tattoos without coming to harm. One of those lucky few was a guy named Koldan, who then wanted to take over the world. Mullah Abba then sends his "color guard" to find nine people worthy of the ink in the hopes that at least one would be able to stop Koldan. Unfortunately, Koldan then possessed every last one of them, but Mullah Abba had one more trick up his sleeve: a woman named Lyla Blue, who will allow you, the player, to possess one Tattoo Assassin and take on Koldan and the rest... IF YOU DARE!!!

The game had no way of every being able to compete with Mortal Kombat. The developers knew that though so they went ahead and loaded the game up with hundreds of different fatalities. Some of the fatalities include a car running over your opponent, turning your foe into a giant hotdog, farting cooked turkeys out of your ass, an eagle pooping acid on your enemies and making your enemies naked with the Nude-alitie.

There's plenty more info on this abomination over at I-Mockery. There is a rom of Tattoo Assassins floating somewhere out on the Internet for those of you who dare give this a try. I think my favorite part about this entire game is that there is a character based off of Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding incident from the '94 Olympics. She even has ice skates on while fighting.