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Utterly pathetic

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Europe: 18-rated Wii U eShop games locked until 11pm


Adults forced to wait up to buy games
Dec 07
// Jim Sterling
Reports around the Internet, including NeoGAF, have revealed an irritating age restriction on the European Wii U eShop. Regardless of whether you have a child account or not, you're unable to purchase 18-rated games until 11p...
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Hollywood desperate enough to do Company of Heroes movie


Movie makers scrabble pitifully for ANY existing IP
Dec 04
// Jim Sterling
The film industry has become a pathetic hive of regurgitation and desperation lately, as a world of competing entertainment drives producers to commission endless reboots and sequels -- anything that an audience will instant...
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THQ backtracks on Wii U 'horrible CPU' comments


Blames other people for a man saying a thing
Nov 22
// Jim Sterling
THQ global communications manager Huw Beynon is in damage control mode after a Metro: Last Light developer was quoted as saying the Wii U has a, "Horrible, slow CPU." Rather than take any responsibility, Beynon has of co...
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3DS outsold PS Vita 47:1 last week in Japan


INSTANT KILL
Nov 16
// Tony Ponce
The PS Vita is selling poorly all over the world, even in the handheld-loving Japan. But to truly understand just how poorly, you have to measure the numbers against those of the 3DS. According to Media Create sales tracker d...
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Windows 8 will bar 'adult' content from its store


Big Brother is watching you while you buy games elsewhere
Oct 11
// Jim Sterling
Tech blogger and programmer Casey Muratori has been talking about the level of God-like control Microsoft intends to wield over Windows 8, including the fact that it intends to block the sale of adult-rated games on the ...
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On-disc DLC allegedly found for Resident Evil 6


Capcom caught in a lie?
Oct 08
// Jim Sterling
Despite Capcom pledging to reassess its downloadable content practices and step away from selling stuff it's already shipped to us, modders claim to have caught it in a lie. According to those who've cracked into the code, Re...
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Politician declared unfit for office due to WoW habit


WoW players cannot politics!
Oct 05
// Jim Sterling
Maine State Senate democratic candidate Colleen Lachowicz has been slammed by the Republicans for a violent history of assassination, poisoning, and dickpunching. In World of Warcraft. For crying out loud. Maine Republic...
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Ubisoft wants free-to-play model in more $60 games


Another major publisher finds its next buffet
Sep 28
// Jim Sterling
Free-to-play was a good idea, and some surprisingly great games were coming out of the market. Then the big publishers took notice and decided to go overboard. Not only is Ubisoft planning a slew of F2P games to flood the mar...
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EA re-releases FIFA 12 as FIFA 13 on Wii


Selling you the same game twice
Sep 28
// Jim Sterling
Electronic Arts has been caught red-handed selling a barely updated re-release as a full sequel. While it's often hard to tell the difference with sports games, it's really bad this time, since the Wii version of FIFA 13 real...
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Team Ninja: Dead or Alive fans demand bigger breasts


Gaming's sleaziest AAA dev justifies its large wobblers
Sep 27
// Jim Sterling
Team Ninja's Yohei Shimbori has been justifying his studio's love of massive breasts with inhuman wobble physics, claiming that while international distributors want the breasts toned down, fans are demanding even bigger...
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Publishers accused of trying to exploit Kickstarter


Corporations want free money now
Sep 19
// Jim Sterling
If a known developer is using Kickstarter to fund its next game, be careful -- the money might end up getting used to ostensibly give a major publisher a new game for free. Obsidian CEO Feargus Urquhart has revealed that...
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PS3 user? Mad about Skyrim's DLC snub? Just stop crying!


Xbox fans dish out advice to PS3 users
Sep 05
// Jim Sterling
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim received it's Hearthfire home-building DLC this week, but only if you have the Xbox 360 version. PC users will have to wait, while PS3 users haven't even got Dawnguard -- and may never get it. Natu...
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Book of Memories gets new screens, fans go apeshit


The purists sink lower and lower
Aug 31
// Jim Sterling
Konami uploaded some new Silent Hill: Book of Memories screens to its Facebook page, which yet again invited a slew of hatred and animosity from a fanbase enraged at the existence of a spin-off portable game. So incensed are ...
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Zynga apes Pokemon with suspiciously similar Montopia


Gotta copy 'em all!
Aug 30
// Jim Sterling
Oh Zynga, will you ever learn? Despite being embroiled in a lawsuit against fellow evildoer Electronic Arts, those wacky rouges at Zynga are hard at work with another "inspired" game -- Montopia.  Montopia casts you in ...
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Mobile sites accused of charging developers for reviews


Sinister plots in a hive of rats
Aug 30
// Jim Sterling
iOS developer Andrew Smith has accused several mobile sites of demanding money in exchange for timely reviews. A number of outlets are allegedly demanding anywhere between $5 and $150 for the privilege of their summ...
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PSOne Classics on Vita listed (it's already gone stupid)


Aug 27
// Jim Sterling
Although Sony promised over a hundred PSOne Classics would be available with the PS Vita's next firmware update, the truth is not quite so tantalizing. In North America, it turns out that only nine PSOne games will be purchas...
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EA vs. Zynga: EA claims it's a game industry defender!


Aug 21
// Jim Sterling
Electronic Arts' delusions of grandeur have reached new heights this week, as the company continues to milk its lawsuit against Zynga for cheap applause and gamer cred. Its latest claim? The lawsuit positions Electronic Arts ...
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NSMB2 costs more on eShop than retail in UK


Aug 13
// Jim Sterling
As if determined to prove that it can't make digital distribution work, Nintendo has decided to make its eShop purchases less attractive than ever by charging more for the downloadable version of New Super Mario Bros. 2 than ...
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Silent Hill HD Collection patch canceled on Xbox 360


Aug 08
// Jim Sterling
Good news: Silent Hill HD Collection has been patched following reports of frankly grotesque problems with the unfinished code.  Bad news: This patch will only be available to PlayStation 3 customers. If you bought the X...
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Police commissioner: Games cause knife crime


Aug 06
// Jim Sterling
A New South Wales police commissioner has blamed videogames for knife crime in Australia, claiming that games incentivize murder, vehicular damage, and rape.  "How can it not affect you if you’re a young adolescent...
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Watch guy get 1,000,000 coins in New Super Mario Bros. 2


Jul 31
// Jim Sterling
Here is a video of a person who played New Super Mario Bros. 2 for three days straight in order to achieve the 1,000,000 coin goal that serves as the 3DS sequel's metagame. What fabulous prizes lie in wait for those who have...
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Batman: Arkham Asylum Steam Keys fail due to DRM


Jul 30
// Jim Sterling
I hate DRM with a passion, but I feel I owe its creators a fruit basket. After all, it gives me more free target practice than the rest of this industry's bullshit. Take what's been happening with Arkham Asylum -- new purchas...

Ubisoft's Uplay DRM poses security risk (Update)

Jul 30 // Jim Sterling
Assassin’s Creed IIAssassin’s Creed: BrotherhoodAssassin’s Creed: Project LegacyAssassin’s Creed RevelationsAssassin’s Creed IIIBeowulf: The GameBrothers in Arms: Furious 4Call of Juarez: The CartelDriver: San FranciscoHeroes of Might and Magic VIJust Dance 3Prince of Persia: The Forgotten SandsPure FootballR.U.S.E.Shaun White SkateboardingSilent Hunter 5: Battle of the AtlanticThe Settlers 7: Paths to a KingdomTom Clancy’s H.A.W.X. 2Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon: Future SoldierTom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: ConvictionYour Shape: Fitness Evolved
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[Update: Ubisoft has publicly acknowledged the security flaw, and has issued a patch for all affected games. The patch will be a forced game update, and it's recommended to be run with your browsers closed. A new version of t...

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EA thinks Dead Space was too scary to be single-player


Jul 20
// Jim Sterling
[Update: Despite what Penny Arcade suggests, I still stand by the prevailing assessment of EA's words. The "scariness" was clearly presented as a negative. You don't say, "they love the thriller game, but ..." without the "bu...
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iOS MMO shamelessly rips off Torchlight


Jul 17
// Jim Sterling
Armed Heroes, a mobile MMORPG, is the latest game on iTunes to be caught shamelessly stealing stuff from other studios. The victim this time is Torchlight, with Runic Games' Travis Baldree calling out the thieving party -- EG...
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Ubisoft's PC DRM broke due to Steam sales


Jul 16
// Jim Sterling
The Steam summer sale -- otherwise known as the Great Wallet Genocide -- has been destroying more than our financial security. It also brought Ubisoft's servers to its knees, causing its Uplay system to break and render a num...
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Man blames Microsoft for his kid's 1150 Xbox Live bill


Jul 13
// Jim Sterling
A foolish child managed to spend £1150 of his father's money on Xbox Live. The father's response? Blame Microsoft for his own slapdash parenting, of course.  "He didn't realize it was costing real money," said...
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New game invites players to beat up Anita Sarkeesian


Jul 06
// Jim Sterling
Anita Sarkeesian is a name that many gamers really weren't familiar with before she became the latest gamer harassment target. Now she's everywhere, and her controversial opinions have led to things like this -- a game in whi...
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Have an obnoxious, petty SimCity Social trailer


Jun 28
// Jim Sterling
If you're mentally subnormal, then Electronic Arts has a trailer that's going to definitely appeal to your sensibilities. This video for SimCity Social promotes the Facebook game with a song so bad, it makes EA's Christmas c...

Review: Revelations 2012

Jun 26 // Jim Sterling
Revelations 2012 (PC)Developer: Dark Artz EntertainmentPublisher:  Dark Artz EntertainmentReleased: April 23, 2012MSRP: $9.99Rig: Intel i7-2600k @3.40 GHz, with 8GB of RAM, GeForce GTX 580 GPU (SLI) Usually, I am against comparing games to movies, as I feel the two mediums deserve enough respect to stand apart and be defined by what they are within their art form. In the case of Revelations, however, I feel it pertinent to mention the "mockbuster" genre of films. A mockbuster is a type of film designed to cash in on a popular movie by reproducing it as cheaply and quickly as possible -- often releasing ahead of the authentic experience (a film designed to resemble Pixar's Brave is already on Netflix). These movies are not parodies, existing instead to trick the unwary with names and art just similar enough to the real McCoy to confuse -- films such as The Da Vinci Treasure, Snakes on a Train, or Almighty Thor. These films can also be squirted out to exploit a certain social or cultural interest, with a variety of movies currently capitalizing on the "2012 = end of the world" phenomenon. This is where Revelations 2012 comes in.  Just like these movies, Revelations is cheaply produced, poorly written, and exists solely to make money. Like these movies, "2012" has been shoveled into the name, invoking the Mayan prophecy that has so fascinated those desperate to believe they're part of the last generation on Earth. Also, like these films, anybody with a gullible streak could easily be tricked into thinking they're buying something genuine, provided they are incredibly impulsive.  2012 is indeed based upon the prophecy that the world will end, except the general implication seems to be that the Mayans are still around, glad about it, and are actively trying to help it happen. They may not be Mayans though, and could very well be some other tribal race of offensively stereotypical witch doctors and spear-throwers. I'll admit that the hick providing the opening exposition was too boring to listen to. In any case, people in the jungle are doing bad things, so it's up to your gang of characters to stop them -- and nobody's going to argue with a quartet with faces that constantly look as if they're in the middle of taking an excessively scratchy poo.  At its core, the game takes its cues from Left 4 Dead. Actually, that deserves rephrasing -- it IS Left 4 Dead, except bad. The core game has clearly been ripped wholesale from Valve, with the graphics replaced and the weapons reduced to a single magical wristband with different firing modes. It even reuses fonts, imagery, and the entire end-of-level score tallies from Valve's game, only very slightly modified in a thinly-veiled attempt to look original.  A four-player, cooperative, first-person shooter, Revelations pits a team against hordes and hordes of tribal opponents who serve as the stand-in for Valve's zombies. As with Left 4 Dead, there are common enemies and a collection of "special" foes with unique attributes and thicker skins. The idea of being incapacitated has been removed, presumably because it was too much effort to implement, so the "special" enemies mostly fire projectiles or summon creatures, remaining otherwise hard to distinguish from the crowds. You "eat" hearts to regain life, and players who lose all their health will need to be revived by an active character.  As noted, there is only one weapon in the game -- a serpentine wristband that each character awkwardly holds in front of them, arm perfectly straight and rigid like that of a cartoon stick-person. Interestingly, the game's default controls have absolutely no fire button mapped. You can click the left mouse button all day long and nothing will happen. You have to go into the options and manually set the fire button, which has helpfully been left empty while the LMB sits idle. Once that's configured, you can scroll through a small handful of fire modes, ranging from regular weak fire to lance-style sniper fire and short-range scatter shots. This game is terrible.  Each of the levels drag on far too long and mostly revolve around running across large maps, picking up items, and booking it to a poorly marked goal. Enemies flood in with little rhyme or reason, and absolutely no intelligence to speak of. The core mechanics of Left 4 Dead are simple but elegant, yet Revelations reduces it to a remedial degree, and still manages to make a sloppy mess out of it. From traps that cannot be avoided and will hold you in place until you die, to ledges that will be slipped off and even minor falls dealing considerable damage, the whole game reeks of something that nobody even tried to balance or make sensible. Why would they? The makers really didn't care about anything other than scamming money.  At this juncture I would like to bring up the most noteworthy aspect of Revelations 2012: the fact that the central premise seems to be four white people storming into foreign countries and slaughtering masses of primitive brown people. I am not going to say what that implies, what the developers were trying to say, or whether or not anybody should feel awkward. I would merely like to state, without comment, that Revelations 2012 is about four white people killing the piss out of brown people. Brown people who, naturally, wear bones and dance ritualistically around big fires all day long.  It goes without saying that 2012 is an ugly game, with feature-less chunks of stuff being used to represent characters, surfaces, and a vast array of straw huts. The sound is an absolute mess, with menu and game volumes hilariously out of sync, and various sounds buried so deep in the mix that they're barely audible. This is a blessing in the case of the voice overs, which are unsurprisingly irritating and sometimes disturbing. Quite why the possibly-British-possibly-Australian man keeps having a profound orgasm every time he regains health is a mystery best left submerged.  Although it's a cooperative game, nobody is playing it, with anybody unfortunate enough to purchase the thing taking any losses on the chin and bailing long ago. Players will be stuck with the allied A.I., which will jump into traps, stand in the way of bullets, and will often stand behind the player before aggressively opening fire on him or her. To their credit, they will drop anything to revive the player character, but outside of that, they're painful to play with.  I managed to suffer two hours of Revelations 2012 before calling it a day, but I can't imagine anybody being masochistic enough to invest more than ten minutes of their own private time. This product would be asking too much of a precious commodity even if it were free, but the fact that the "developers" of this garbage would even dream of asking money goes beyond insulting and inhabits a special plane of disgusting behavior that as yet does not have an adequate descriptor. At least, not one suitable in its tastefulness to facilitate widespread industry use. I have reviewed a lot of bad games in my five years working for Destructoid, but I can safely say, without doubt, that an all-new personal low has been encountered.  We usually refrain from swearing in our reviews, but I must emphatically say that Revelations 2012 is the worst piece of fucking shit I have played on the job, and they can stick that on Metacritic. 
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Revelations 2012 first came to my attention when a random Twitter pal recommended it, presumably under the impression that I would find something to love in the same way I regularly watch Alien Resurrection and enjoy every sh...


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