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Sexy Time!

Stick Shift photo
Stick Shift

Stick Shift let me jerk off a car


Feel that rumble, tug that stiff pole
Apr 03
// Laura Kate Dale
Quivering with anticipation, I slowly insert my keys into his ignition slot. A few moments of anticipation, some stuttering as he turns over. A moment of all encompassing rumbling as I turn him on. The engine is running, my c...
Dead or Alive photo
Dead or Alive

Boobs and more boobs in Dead or Alive 5 Last Round video


Did I mention there are boobs?
Feb 20
// Robert Summa
If the latest Dead or Alive 5 Last Round trailer didn't have enough explosions for you, then check out this not-creepy-at-all video released by PlayStation Japan that could very well allow you to create your own private expl...

I unboxed the New 3DS XL and tickled its sensitive nub

Jan 15 // Bill Zoeker
The device itself is sexy. Shiny and smooth, but with a nice subtle texture. After recording this video, I gnashed my genitals against it, achieving exceptional erotic satisfaction. You can't prove I didn't. There are a few changes in design that immediately screamed of improvement to me. The volume slider is now located on the left side of the screen panel, hopefully eliminating the problem of accidentally nudging it to maximum and letting everybody on the bus know you're taint-deep in Style Savvy: Trendsetters. The slot for the game cartridge has also been moved to the southern edge of the handheld portion of the system, hopefully reducing premature ejections. However, I think it sucks this new edition still lacks any sort of latch or cover to prevent the cart from being loosed by a minimal, accidental nudge. There will be a more thorough analysis of the New Nintendo 3DS hardware coming to you by Chris Carter soon. In the meantime, enjoy looking at my hands. [Disclosure Notice: The subject of this post was received and demonstrated at a Nintendo-hosted event in San Francisco. I feel like the event started a little earlier than it needed to, but they had Dim Sum and pizza, so that was pretty cool. Below is a picture of the Dim Sum I ate.]
New 3DS impressions photo
Cue people being mad because I think something could be better
After a Nintendo press event yesterday, I was sent home with a review unit of the New Nintendo 3DS XL. I figured it would be a good idea to record my opening of it so that I could share my trademarked cynical indignation wit...

Link's short shorts photo
Link's short shorts

Link can wear skimpy shorts in the new Hyrule Warriors DLC


Twilight Princess pack
Nov 21
// Jordan Devore
♪ I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy Link. ♪ Next Thursday's Twilight Princess pack for Hyrule Warriors will be one to remember. The DLC adds Twili Midna as a playable character, the Postman cos...
Buff Peter Moore photo
Buff Peter Moore

Here's what EA thinks is worth a press conference


It's a buff, shirtless Peter Moore
Aug 13
// Darren Nakamura
At the EA press conference earlier, Peter Moore stood on stage and showed off various modes in The Sims 4. None of that was important though. This is the most important piece of information to come from the presentation. Behold: buff, shirtless Peter Moore. You're welcome.
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Gentlemen's Club: We're giving away tons of Payday 2!


Over on Dtoid.tv
Feb 19
// Spencer Hayes
If you've been following my Twitter you know I'm absolutely head over heels for Payday 2. I came in expecting a crime themed Left 4 Dead-lite but what I got was one of my favorite co-op games. There' s something about plannin...
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Videogame Clubhouse: The Valentine's Day special


LET'S EMBARRASS OURSELVES AND OUR MOTHERS!
Feb 13
// Spencer Hayes
It's time for that annual occurrence of public shame and humiliation: Valentine's Day. If that sentence wasn't enough to tip you off then know that I'm not a big fan of the holiday. So what is a guy to do to prepare himself f...

Look at Lightning's many outfits in our music video

Jan 15 // Dale North
Lyrics: Girl, try on that new dress / let's go out tonight Let's show all the people / just how Lightning strikes.  Please let down your armor / my precious l'Cie I'll be your Final Fantasy. Love waits before us / Make me your Focus. Let's steal Cid's airship and fly to Cocoon. You J-poppin' my heart with those threads, girl. (4x)
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Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Yesterday, while working on our preview of Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII, I asked those in the office if I should make some kind of quick video to show off some of the costumes I've collected in the game. Everyone in...

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The Gentlemen's Club! The last one... for the year!?


I CAN'T HOLD ALL THESE GAMES!
Dec 18
// Phil
Spencer and I are both two people who get really excited whenever our favorite non-denominational holiday rolls around. We have already been getting into the mood by listening to some of the greatest seasonal song hits from B...
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Rad Show: Kinnikuman Muscle Grand Prix Max 2


Musccccccccccclllllleeeee Bussstttaaaaahhhh
Dec 15
// Johnny Luchador
When I was a child, I use to collect these small flesh colored rubber men. They were pretty odd, but they were all unique. They were called Muscle Men, and I had an army of them. Then my destructive self decided to let them m...
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The Gentlemen's Club! Bears wearing armor, that's it


WHO HAD THIS AMAZING IDEA!?
Nov 20
// Phil
You guys may remember a movie called The Golden Compass. While out searching for games to play on a show Spencer and I came across the game based on this movie. This movie had bears wearing armor...BEARS IN ARMOR. So naturall...
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Max Scoville presents "Sexy Video Game News-Hole"
As you might've heard yesterday, I am back with Destructoid as full-time Video Warlock. And so, I've wasted absolutely no time whatsoever abusing my newfound power, and here's the first episode of my new show: Sexy Video Gam...

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The Gentlemen's Club! We are ruining our friendship live!


I SWEAR, IF YOU TAKE MY STAR...
Nov 06
// Phil
Spencer and I pretty much agree that Mario Party 2 is the best in the series. The characters cosplay depending on what stage they were in! You haven't Mario Partied until you see Donkey Kong in a wizard outfit, that's what I ...
PAX Prime 2013 Photos photo
Two (hundred) Dtoiders, one helmet
Look at that thing. LOOK AT IT. My god we're beautiful. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Dtoiders are the sexiest people at any industry event. E3? Check. gamescom. Czech. PAX? You bet your ass, check. And because we're ...

Killer is Disappointed: Gigolo missions & token weirdism

Aug 27 // Steven Hansen
To recap: in Killer is Dead’s Gigolo missions you go on “dates” with various women, ogle them until you have enough guts to give them gifts, and then give them gifts until you win and you two have sex. It’s creepy (the women's measurements are on the mission screen), but it’s also mechanically broken, vapid, and irredeemably boring. I’m no prude. I like sexy things. This is masturbatory vapidity. The women you are “seducing” repeat the same lines of random dialogue slavishly as they sway in their seats. You stare at their tits while they aren’t looking. That’s it. It’s really, really boring. You’re invited to repeat the missions multiple times for slightly steamier softcore sex scenes and more in-game rewards. When you get the glasses that let you see their lingerie (and tell you what gifts they want), it’s a godsend not because you can see their lacey fashionwear, but because it lets Mondo’s “guts” fill quicker and lets you finish the missions faster. If I didn’t get a code for the glasses -- though they are otherwise acquired later in the game -- I wouldn’t have put up with the missions, which would have meant missing out on the alternate weapons for Mondo’s crazy gun arm. The Gigolo missions are not engaging. Not even a little bit. There are amateur erotic Flash games with more complex systems and backs of shampoo bottles more erotic and arousing. The problem, beyond the sexism, is that something so plainly banal and vacuous made it into the game at all. Killer is Dead is supposed to be weird and crazy, right? It’s a Suda51 game! (He is the writer and executive director, but not the actual game director.) The Gigolo missions start making me see other parts of the game in a different light. A fitting successor to Killer7 this is not. I was a bit disappointed that Lollipop Chainsaw wasn’t really weird. I liked it okay. It had some heart, some solid writing, but it wasn’t weird. Things have gotten less surreal since Killer7 and Killer is Dead, touted as a spiritual successor, feels torn between two paths. Sometimes it is delightfully bizarre, as with David, the self-styled ruler of the moon whose rippling muscles, pert butt cheeks, and golden codpiece still linger in my mind. Sometimes it feels a much more manufactured, “Internet weird” or “mainstream weird;” maybe "teenager on Tumblr weird." It’s a bit hard to class, so to use an example from the game, sometimes it’s, “LOL WTF TALKING UNICORN!” weird, which feels soulless and pointless. Which is ironic, because it’s a unicorn. While running about in Killer7’s surrealist setting you would occasionally stumble upon ghosts Travis and Iwazaru who would both aid you in puzzle solving and offer up puzzling, thought provoking, batshit insane lines of dialogue. In Killer is Dead’s stages, you can find the hidden Scarlett, a buxom nurse that looks colorfully out of place like an aesthetic holdover from Lollipop Chainsaw. She expresses surprise that you found her, unlocks a challenge mission, and leaves. She is not a character. She is an unlock. A very videogame-y thing dressed up as a sexy nurse because reasons. Banality like this starts to expose the biggest flaw of Killer is Dead, which is that its story and characters are all half told. There are kernels of interesting things at play, but the disjointed episodic nature struggles to come together in a satisfying way. It’s not that the ludicrous plot is unexplained and thus unsatisfying. It’s that the story tries to tie everything together with a blatantly telegraphed twist through dream sequences, which is rather emblematic of the mediocre narrative. I mean, one of the first missions takes place in an Alice in Wonderland world. Talk about passé and overdone! It’s ordinariness hiding behind a façade of quirkiness and insanity. Neither its plot nor it characters help. Whereas the manic, red-cheeked schoolgirl that lives with Mondo and helps him out could’ve been an endearing companion, she’s instead an empty trope novelty that takes on uninteresting plot significance late in the game. Good art and good voice acting are kind of just wasted. Bryan, Mondo’s boss, is never as cool or as interesting as a half cyborg with an infectious laugh wearing a Hawaiian shirt should be. Again, it’s style over substance, albeit a nice style. When you start to see token “weirdness,” like a random talking unicorn/dues ex machina, with no depth or mystery to perpetuate it, the allure fades quickly. The Gigolo missions are the start of things unraveling and you realize it’s just choppy, bad storytelling at play here with poorly written, empty characters featuring little more depth than the women in the Gigolo missions. Suddenly, the level wherein you have to fight a train (awesome!) takes on a different hue. Mondo and Bryan going back and forth about how trains, mechanics, and engineering are “a man’s passion” and “no place” for women loses any sense of quizzical irony that the scene could be read with. Instead, it reads like uncomfortable sexism delivered straight-faced. You can’t exactly divorce the Gigolo missions from everything else; you can’t just say, “oh, the game is great if you ignore the facile and creepy perv-em-up side missions" because they're so egregious that they start to inform on the rest of the game. It’s a little like Final Fantasy developers upping Lightning’s bust size, matter-of-factly discussing the new jiggle physics, and explaining the best method to view jiggling side boob. These things bleed into the overall tenor of a project. Killer is Dead is not near Killer7 levels of autership and surrealism. Whatever vestige of that is left has had a trashier and boringly ordinary “guilty-pleasure” experience medically stapled onto it. I like Killer is Dead a lot. I think it’s a good action game that I’m still having fun playing. It still has some great moments (particularly in its boss fights) and some oddities (like walking on the moon in a designer suit and space helmet). It’s just that there is little beyond its gorgeous visuals and one of the year’s best musical score. That’s perfectly okay. I just wanted a little more.
Killer is Disappointed photo
Gigol-oh-no: What the creatively bankrupt, boring missions have to say about Killer is Dead
I really like Killer is Dead. I want to like it more, but I’m increasingly unsure if I should. Unfortunately, the awful Gigolo missions are a big part of planting the seed of distrust in my mind. Hah! I bet you thought...

Senran Kagura Burst photo
Senran Kagura Burst

Senran Kagura Burst will hit retail AND digital in Europe


Huge tracts of land
Aug 10
// Tony Ponce
Gentlemen, get your oils and scented candles ready, because Senran Kagura Burst will be arriving in Europe some time in Q1 2014. Americans received a localization confirmation from XSEED earlier this week, seemingly leaving o...
Senran Kagura Burst photo
Senran Kagura Burst

XSEED to release Senran Kagura Burst in North America


It's official!
Aug 06
// Kyle MacGregor
Senran Kagura Burst is coming to the Nintendo 3DS in North America, XSEED Games has announced. The Tamsoft-developed side-scrolling brawler will launch exclusively via the Nintendo eShop this fall.  A two for one followi...
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Rayman on PC, Incognita, Saints Row IV & More Oculus XXX


The Destructoid Show likes turtles
Jul 26
// Max Scoville
Hey guys! I'm back! And here's today's Destructoid Show, gettin' nasty and stupid with its bad self. Rayman Legends is hitting PC, which is great. The Oculus Rift is supported by a game about sexy maids, Saints Row IV has a ...
Ma-Ma-myyyyy! photo
Ma-Ma-myyyyy!

Did Peach just orgasm?


Nintendo starts airing Wii U commercials again in Japan
Jun 27
// Tony Ponce
Oh my God... what is happening in those first 10 seconds!? Nintendo suddenly realized that it forgot to advertise the Wii U and has scrambled to put together a set of TV commercials. But the one for New Super Luigi U is just...
Wii Fit Trainer photo
Wii Fit Trainer

Japanese artists think Wii Fit Trainer is smokin'


Gotta love that bleached Michael Jackson skin
Jun 19
// Tony Ponce
The fourth Smash Bros. was only announced last week, but fans the world over have already contributed a wealth of art based on the three new characters. However, Japanese art community pixiv has taken a particularly big shine...
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The Destructoid Show can see through your clothes
Hello boys and girls, here's today's Destructoid Show for you to rub your dirty little eyeballs all over. Mmmm. Yes, just like that. Bethesda is done with Skyrim, and they've now begun teasing their next exciting mystery pro...

Skullgirls photo
Skullgirls

Creator of Skullgirls porn officially joins Lab Zero


How big is your joystick?
Mar 20
// Vito Gesualdi
[Update: Skullgirls lead designer Mike Z has contacted Destructoid to say that ZONE's pornographic work was not considered during the hiring process. The writer apologizes for not making it clear that this was ...
Do the Mario photo
Do the Mario

Speed-painted Mario wants you to check his package


"Do the Mario," indeed
Feb 21
// Tony Ponce
8bit Ego artist Josh Summana, who recently shared a time-lapse video of his killer Donkey Kong painting, has clued me into a new piece as part of his "Heroes" line. If you haven't already, do check out his "Villains" line as...
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Who are the hottest men in the games industry?


Hey Justin Leeper: More like Guy Informer!
Feb 13
// Allistair Pinsof
It's disgusting how men continue to be objectified in the games industry. Here's our latest example: meningameshotornot.tumblr.com Despite all their hard work, award winning Tweets, and awesome review-score-giving abilities, ...
Sexy man for Rayman photo
Sexy man for Rayman

Man with sexy voice croons about Rayman Legends' delay


Put on your headphones and dim the lights
Feb 12
// Tony Ponce
The low-level echelon of so-called "gamers" have said their piece about Ubisoft's decision to delay Rayman Legends for the sake of porting it to the 360 and PS3. Now it's time for a real man's man to speak softly into your e...
Donkey Kong photo
Donkey Kong

So sexy Donkey Kong time-lapse painting


It's like he's undressing me with his eyes
Jan 31
// Tony Ponce
Damn, Donkey, you so fine! Maybe peel my banana sometime! Artist Josh Summana has been creating wonderful pieces like above and filming the process for his media company 8bit Ego. He's got a whole mess of these dudes, such a...
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Boob Wars: Colonial Marines, HD Wind Waker & RIP THQ


The Destructoid Show gets weird on Fridays
Jan 25
// Max Scoville
Hey gang, here's the recording of today's live Destructoid Show! Nintendo Direct happened, so we talked about all of that, and SimCity has new curved roads in it, I hope you're ready for that. That new Aliens: Colonial ...
Chiptunes photo
Chiptunes

Game Boy sex! Parallel Processing by Danimal Cannon & Zef


They made a beautiful chiptune baby
Jan 16
// Tony Ponce
I had a chance to meet the bald and beautiful Danimal Cannon (Roots, Armcannon, Metroid Metal) at MAGFest this year, and I've gotta say, he's one chill dude -- lounging at the merch table in a night robe, what a rebel! Still,...
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The DTOID Show: VR Porno, Tomb Raider & Dark Souls


Our "sexiest episode ever"
Dec 17
// Max Scoville
It's Destructoid's sexiest episode ever! Well, Sessiest, anyway. Tara's out sick, so Adam Sessler's filling in. News includes interactive porno for the Oculus Rift by way of a company called Sinful Robot, some new Tomb Raider gameplay, and the top 5 sexiest Final Fantasy characters who are dudes. Plus: Dark Souls II is too easy, everyone get upset.
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Final Fantasy fans rank the series hottest beefcakes


All that spiked hair, oh my!
Dec 17
// Allistair Pinsof
Square Enix polled 800+ Japanese Final Fantasy fans on which male characters really beef their cakes. Unsurprisingly, beefcake supremos known for making happy pants tents across the globe Squall and Cloud placed high at 2 and...






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