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iOS game lets you beat your boyfriend until he's perfect


Domestic abuse is pretty hilarious
Jan 29
// Jim Sterling
Whenever something gross comes up about a women being objectified or treated poorly, a stock response is often, "You wouldn't bother talking about this if a man were the victim." Well, let's take a look at The Boyfriend Train...

Review: Boob Wars: Big Breasts vs. Flat Chests

Jan 29 // Jim Sterling
Boob Wars: Big Breasts vs. Flat Chests (PC)Developer: Softhouse SealPublisher: Manga GamerReleased: October 19, 2012 (Digital), February 2013 (Boxed)MSRP: $24.95Rig: Intel i7-2600k @3.40 GHz, with 8GB of RAM, GeForce GTX 580 GPU (SLI) Boob Wars puts you in the role of an Erorist -- a man paid to teach women about pleasure by having sex with them whether they want to have sex or not. Our "hero" is charged with the task of reuniting the titular tribes who constantly war over which breast size is superior -- however, this being such a socially progressive game, the protagonist aims to spread the word that breast size doesn't matter, promoting peace and tolerance instead of enmity. Because this a socially progressive game.  The objective is to force sex on as many women as possible until they like it. The main message of the game seems to be that women secretly enjoy any and all sex from any and all men, so you might as well just make them do it and wait patiently for their gratitude when you're finished. So like I said, it's socially progressive and has an important moral message at its narrative core. Chapters involve beating women in combat until they're too weak to fight back, then having your way with them. If that sounds monstrous, just remember -- the women want it. No matter how much they beg our heroic hero to stop, the story consistently reinforces the idea that they definitely want it, as much to convince itself as the player.  Holding itself to fairly loose standards in terming itself a game, Boob Wars gives players a modicum of choice in influencing how the story goes, letting them conquer one or both tribes, and selecting which characters to rape -- sorry, seduce -- first. Once a decision is made, some narrative plays out, detailing the player's ambush of whatever victim -- sorry, opponent -- was chosen. What follows is a card battle, though again, Boob Wars plays fast and loose with terminology in a bid to just scrape by the genre's requirements.  Players and enemies are dealt a hand of seven cards, each with random numbers on them, and can choose to play up to three cards per phase. The protagonist and his opponent take turns alternating between attack and defense, aiming to play cards of high value. Basically, if it's your turn to attack and you played three cards valued at five points each, while the enemy plays three cards valued at two, you'll deal damage to the enemy's hit points. The greater the difference between the two scores, the more damage is dealt. That's really all there is to it. On Normal difficulties, it doesn't take long until the cards are whittled down to two per combatant (two new cards are drawn per turn) and battle consists of simply playing all available cards while leaving it up to chance. Variable cards that let you reshuffle or play more cards pop up occasionally, but battles are otherwise a brainless and tactic-free affair.  Once our intrepid Erorist beats his opponent, a sex scene will play out, complete with lurid descriptions of how he sticks his "sexy kebab" in her "honey pot." The text overlays some fairly simple drawings of the action, with a very rare bit of animation now and then. The usual routine is that the women will be frightened and confused as they try to fight the intense pleasure being violated by a stranger gives them, before eventually surrendering themselves. At the end, you get to choose whether or not ejaculate on her body or deposit the semen directly into her womb, because Boob Wars wants to make sure you're complicit in this behavior.  That's more or less it. Beyond that is a more subtle metagame played directly between yourself and the developers -- how long can you play before you truly, utterly despise everything that you've become? I hit that level within the first twenty minutes, which doesn't sound impressive until you remember it's a very short game and does a lot with its brief gameplay to really make you feel that if there is a God in this cold and merciless universe, he did something awful in putting you among decent people. Translated by scribes who clearly used a thesaurus without the requisite understanding of chosen words (Unless they really thought the use of "stinky" in a blowjob scene was erotic), and featuring drawings you could find cheaper and better equivalents of with a quick Google Image Search, Boob Wars: Big Breasts vs. Flat Chests is a game you play not to get off, or even to laugh, but to question whether or not your parents wasted everybody's time in conceiving, giving birth to, and educating you. Of course, the question remains is this -- it's an H-game, what on Earth was I expecting? I don't know. I don't know why I do any of the things I do, but deciding to review games like Boob Wars certainly makes me have a really good think about my life and forces me to resolve to be a better person. I only did it because readers asked for it, but that excuse will never be enough to cover the stain on my conscience. While not the most overt, violent, disgusting, or graphic H-game available, there's nonetheless an inherent layer of unsettling sleaze to the whole thing, a subtly nasty edge to the way it tries to convince the player that women just walk around wanting it all the time, and you're a bad person if you don't give it to them the moment there's nobody around to see you. In this game, you're not supposed to do what you do out of sadism, or dark humor, but out of a sense of heartfelt nobility -- the end game is peace, and tolerance, and everybody agreeing that unbidden penetration is beautiful. That, somehow, manages to be a worse reason than any.  Even playing devil's advocate and writing this from the perspective of somebody who might be into these games, Boob Wars isn't good. By the standards of those who want to masturbate themselves silly over violent cartoon sex, we're looking at something sub-par, lifeless, and cynical. To offend a regular bypasser is one thing, but this feels offensive to even the target audience. Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe this truly is the game fans have been waiting for. I don't claim to speak for them, and nor would I, but all I can say is, if you want to get off with cartoons, there's much better out there. I can give you the links later. You really don't need to waste your time with this brainless, gormless, depressing little exercise in grisly misery.  All that said ... the soundtrack's pretty good.
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Traumatic mammary
[Warning: NSFW, even if censored, images following.] "At the beginning of the 22nd Century, an anomaly began occurring in the bodies of women," so goes the tale of Boob Wars. "All the women of the world became either E Cups a...

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Taliban: Prince Harry's mental for comparing games to war


Army captain thinks war is like a PlayStation game
Jan 23
// Jim Sterling
The Taliban is not exactly known for saying things Western gamers might nod their head in agreement with, but a fair few are siding with the Islamic fundamentalist movement against Britain's own Prince Harry. The Prince recen...
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Ralph Nader: videogames are electronic child molesters


Games compared to pedophiles, because that's not irresponsible!
Jan 22
// Jim Sterling
Former politician and consumer advocate Ralph Nader has decided to throw his lot in with the perpetrators of moral panic, writing off videogames as "electronic child molesters." Talk about a socially responsible statemen...
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Mega Man

Mega Man 25th anniversary celebrated with Avatar GLORY!


Watch the greatest trailer Capcom's ever made
Jan 16
// Jim Sterling
Capcom has today revealed its ultimate gift to Mega Man fans everywhere. To celebrate the blue hero's 25th anniversary, Capcom has seen fit to grace the world with the only gift that measures up -- Xbox Live Avatar items! Dr...
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Dead Island Riptide 'Zombie Bait' Edition is turbo gross


IT'S GOT ITS ARMS OFF!
Jan 15
// Jim Sterling
[Update: Deep Silver's US department has wished to make it clear that Zombie Bait Edition is for Europe only, and will not be available in the United States. Instead, it'll only offer the previously announced Collector's Edit...

Black Isle needs a Kickstarter to Kickstart a Kickstarter

Dec 20 // Jim Sterling
At the end of this chicanery, Black Isle does have a game planned -- Project V13, a post-apocalyptic strategy RPG. It'll be a game about founding a colony, gathering resources, and repelling enemy forces. V13 is the name of the Fallout MMO Interplay was working on, but it seems to have been drastically reworked following the loss of the IP to Bethesda.  Right now, the game doesn't even have a "proof of concept" build, and Black Isle is focused on gathering enough developers to actually develop it.  Still, there are "rewards" for anybody handing over cash. For $10, you get access to the studio's message board, a forum badge, and a certificate. If you hand over $20, you can get to a private message board, with a better forum badge, and a better certificate. The top twenty funders, however, will get a real treat -- an even better forum badge and an even better certificate, as well as a name on a "Hero Board."  Jesus fucking Christ. [Thanks, CaimDark!]
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Crowd funding officially jumps the start
On this day, the concept of crowd-funded gaming has finally reached farce status, with a ridiculous proposition from Black Isle Studios. First off, the studio wants your money to become a studio, at which point it will ask fo...

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Metal Gear Rising is not being considered for Wii U


Kojima Productions thinks the GamePad isn't a controller
Dec 18
// Jim Sterling
Kojima Productions' Yuji Korekado has stated for the record that Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance is not being considered for Wii U, and has offered a pretty flimsy reason as to why. According to the producer, the Wii...
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Mass Effect and more attacked over school shooting


Angry mob goes after games when media misleads them
Dec 15
// Jim Sterling
Yesterday, the mainstream media sunk to a new low in its rush to build the latest death circus. Following a horrific school shooting in a Connecticut kindergarten, news sources -- chiefly CNN -- jumped to dangerous speculatio...
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Racists call BioShock Infinite a white-killing simulator


'Looks like a Jew trying to piddle on old small America'
Dec 14
// Jim Sterling
The BioShock series has never been shy of offering political critique, and BioShock Infinite is biting closer to home than previous installments. The game themes itself around nationalism, racism, and what can happen when the...
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Hollywood desperate enough to do Company of Heroes movie


Movie makers scrabble pitifully for ANY existing IP
Dec 04
// Jim Sterling
The film industry has become a pathetic hive of regurgitation and desperation lately, as a world of competing entertainment drives producers to commission endless reboots and sequels -- anything that an audience will instant...
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Angry Birds soda outsells Coke and Pepsi in Finland


Topsy turvy! Everything is upsy-daisy!
Nov 22
// Tony Ponce
WUT. No, seriously. WUT. The fact that there is Angry Birds soda isn't what shocks me. You can buy novelty Mega Man and Pac-Man energy drinks. I sampled some very sugary Mario-themed beverages back in the day. Hell, remember ...
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Wii U voice chat limited, no headset planned


Wii Speak, eat your heart out!
Oct 18
// Jim Sterling
Nintendo has confirmed to Kotaku that, as much as it tries, it's still struggling to embrace the world of online gaming. Only a "select" number of Wii U games will support voice chat in multiplayer, and there are currently no...
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On-disc DLC allegedly found for Resident Evil 6


Capcom caught in a lie?
Oct 08
// Jim Sterling
Despite Capcom pledging to reassess its downloadable content practices and step away from selling stuff it's already shipped to us, modders claim to have caught it in a lie. According to those who've cracked into the code, Re...
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Sony confuses with ridiculous PS Vita commercial


Silliness abounds!
Oct 04
// Jim Sterling
[Update: So this actually IS for a game called Box! Open Me, not the Vita in its entirety. My derp. Still, it's no less weird and confusing, so there you go. Weeeeeird.] Sony Japan unleashed a new PlayStation Vita commercial...
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Ubisoft wants free-to-play model in more $60 games


Another major publisher finds its next buffet
Sep 28
// Jim Sterling
Free-to-play was a good idea, and some surprisingly great games were coming out of the market. Then the big publishers took notice and decided to go overboard. Not only is Ubisoft planning a slew of F2P games to flood the mar...
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EA re-releases FIFA 12 as FIFA 13 on Wii


Selling you the same game twice
Sep 28
// Jim Sterling
Electronic Arts has been caught red-handed selling a barely updated re-release as a full sequel. While it's often hard to tell the difference with sports games, it's really bad this time, since the Wii version of FIFA 13 real...
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Team Ninja: Dead or Alive fans demand bigger breasts


Gaming's sleaziest AAA dev justifies its large wobblers
Sep 27
// Jim Sterling
Team Ninja's Yohei Shimbori has been justifying his studio's love of massive breasts with inhuman wobble physics, claiming that while international distributors want the breasts toned down, fans are demanding even bigger...

New Facebook campaign wants Nintendo to go mobile

Sep 25 // Tony Ponce
It's an extension of the "Why won't Nintendo go third party?" debate. Nintendo has expressed on numerous occasions that its hardware and software is uniquely linked, in that the hardware is usually built around the realization of particular game mechanics. On top of that, having command of its own delivery platform gives it a freedom that it wouldn't necessarily have anywhere else. It's a very precise, very meticulous company, and being a borderline OCD freak myself, I understand how Nintendo would be wary of giving any other hardware manufacturer even the slightest bit of control over its content. Sega is often tossed about as a company that made the switch from making hardware to purely making software, as though Sega is a role model to be emulated. Sega has never been quite the same since it killed the console side of its business, and it would be foolish to think such a path would be healthy for anyone else. But the other side of the argument is that mobile devices are so ubiquitous that you look like a dinosaur if you don't jump on board. But then we have PCs which have existed for decades and have been in more homes than any console, yet they haven't killed the console industry. Yeah, there are other variables in effect that make both scenarios widely different, but I think the core takeaway is the same: As long as there is a desire to play on dedicated hardware, there will always be gaming consoles. But this is a massive argument that can't be properly addressed in so short a space. Maybe you guys would like to offer your piece. Maybe we can get some editors to chime in with full-length features. In the meantime, feel free to express confusion or praise for this campaign. Facebook campaign starts to try and convince Nintendo to go mobile [GoNintendo]
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Really? Is this a real thing?
As mobile devices become a greater part of our daily lives, it's not difficult to envision a future where standalone hardware, that only performs one of a mobile's many functions, no longer exists. Such is the case with dedic...

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Dead Island Riptide tries again with another CGI trailer


If it works once, it'll work twice! Right?
Sep 18
// Jim Sterling
Dead Island first forcibly grabbed the attention of the gaming populace with that trailer, the beautiful bit of digital art that said nothing about the game but got everybody very excited. With Dead Island Riptide, Deep Silv...
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PS3 user? Mad about Skyrim's DLC snub? Just stop crying!


Xbox fans dish out advice to PS3 users
Sep 05
// Jim Sterling
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim received it's Hearthfire home-building DLC this week, but only if you have the Xbox 360 version. PC users will have to wait, while PS3 users haven't even got Dawnguard -- and may never get it. Natu...
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Really, Nintendo? A knitting peripheral for the NES?


Sep 04
// Tony Ponce
Throughout its history, Nintendo has had its fair share of "what the eff were they thinking!?" moments. Take the Wii Vitality Sensor, for instance. A pulse rate monitor attached to a game controller? No wonder Iwata and pals ...
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Steam Greenlight already had to pull a 9/11 simulator


It was only a matter of time
Aug 31
// Jim Sterling
Steam Greenlight has only been in effect for a day, and already some enterprising shock jock tossed a 9/11 game up there for the rage of others. You gotta give 'em points for efficiency.  best wtc plane simulator (they c...
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PSOne Classics on Vita listed (it's already gone stupid)


Aug 27
// Jim Sterling
Although Sony promised over a hundred PSOne Classics would be available with the PS Vita's next firmware update, the truth is not quite so tantalizing. In North America, it turns out that only nine PSOne games will be purchas...
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Sony man says PS Vita Cross-Buy is Europe-only (Update)


Aug 19
// Jim Sterling
[Update: Sony community man and orgasmic stegosaurus Jeff Rubenstein has confirmed that the Cross-Buy feature is a go in North America. He has told me that, "The deal is valid here, as announced on the blog." Yoshida has also...
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NSMB2 costs more on eShop than retail in UK


Aug 13
// Jim Sterling
As if determined to prove that it can't make digital distribution work, Nintendo has decided to make its eShop purchases less attractive than ever by charging more for the downloadable version of New Super Mario Bros. 2 than ...
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THQ sends literal death threat to celebrate Darksiders II


Aug 09
// Jim Sterling
No sooner had I put the finishing touches on the upcoming review for Darksiders II than this ... thing arrived. I would like you all to serve as witnesses in the event of my disappearance, because I am fairly certain this can...
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2K Games says photorealism is needed for innovation


Aug 02
// Jim Sterling
2K Games, ignoring the fact that it is publishing BioShock Infinite and Borderlands 2 -- two incredibly cartoony games that are nonetheless unique and promising -- has stated that photorealism will drive innovation, and that ...

Ubisoft's Uplay DRM poses security risk (Update)

Jul 30 // Jim Sterling
Assassin’s Creed IIAssassin’s Creed: BrotherhoodAssassin’s Creed: Project LegacyAssassin’s Creed RevelationsAssassin’s Creed IIIBeowulf: The GameBrothers in Arms: Furious 4Call of Juarez: The CartelDriver: San FranciscoHeroes of Might and Magic VIJust Dance 3Prince of Persia: The Forgotten SandsPure FootballR.U.S.E.Shaun White SkateboardingSilent Hunter 5: Battle of the AtlanticThe Settlers 7: Paths to a KingdomTom Clancy’s H.A.W.X. 2Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon: Future SoldierTom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: ConvictionYour Shape: Fitness Evolved
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[Update: Ubisoft has publicly acknowledged the security flaw, and has issued a patch for all affected games. The patch will be a forced game update, and it's recommended to be run with your browsers closed. A new version of t...

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EA thinks Dead Space was too scary to be single-player


Jul 20
// Jim Sterling
[Update: Despite what Penny Arcade suggests, I still stand by the prevailing assessment of EA's words. The "scariness" was clearly presented as a negative. You don't say, "they love the thriller game, but ..." without the "bu...






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