Mortal Kombat has another live-action movie in the works, and it's probably not going to be very good. That doesn't mean it has to be awful, though. The right blend of actors can turn any film, no matter how cynical, into a classic worthy of the Oscars. Yes, even a videogame movie!
As a budding Hollywood producer, I have slaved over hot data and juicy demographics with my crack team to scientifically distill a perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast -- the actors and actresses qualified above all else to bring this classic fighting game franchise to life. Including our conceptual mockups, we hope to present this to George Lucas himself, so he may give us his almighty blessing.
[Destructoid turns 7 on March 16, 2013! I'm celebrating early by repairing some of my favorite articles from our Wordpress days. You'll be able to browse this original collection soon -- "Destructoid's Golden Archives" is hereby instituted to preserve the best work of our former editors. It's also nice to see Burch on the home page again. -Niero]
Games journalism criticism is a young field of business. As with any emerging practice it often likes to talk about itself, not because games writers are pretentious masturbatory bastards, but because we care to do the best job possible for those that patron our publications (that's you). We're also in the business of perfectly aligning our critiques with the commercial successes of games, otherwise we're big fat liars who stole your money. Wait, what?
In this latest episode of game dudes over-scrutinizing our craft, I present you three fascinating pieces of contemporary literature: A writer accusing the gaming press of a cover-up conspiracy (seriously?!) to preaching widespread embargo apocalypse, an editor-in-chief semi-apologizing for previews that may wasted his readers time, and a peculiar piece on Buzzfeed on whether or not sites like Destructoid are capable of ever truthfully assessing a product. The latter, of course, was received with a brutal tongue-lashing from his brighter contemporaries.
The entire argument at its core, if I may be blunt, asserts that gaming consumers are morons easily led astray by the gaming press because we are optimistic about our hobby. If you agree with this, I'd like to bite your face.
Earlier this week, Nintendo's Shigeru Miyamoto claimed his company had failed to "communicate the value" of the Wii U to consumers, a turn of phrase that struck me as quite amusing. As a fan of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, all I could think of was the first stage of Dennis Reynolds' system of seduction, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, whereby he "demonstrates value" to sucker a woman into falling for him.
After thinking about it (and reading the Destructoid community's reaction to the Nintendo/Dennis connection), I started to realize Nintendo and Always Sunny's lecherous sociopath have way more in common, and that the D.E.N.N.I.S. System may well be applied to the company's business strategy in its entirety.
Nintendo might be taking lessons from the show as it perfects the art of seducing fans and breaking their hearts for its own sordid gains.
There are few boxes as anticipated as BioShock Infinite, the long awaited box to prequels BioShock Limited Edition and BioShock for the PlayStation 3.
Irrational Games, known as 2K Boston during BioShock's release, made waves in the industry with critics and boring, ordinary game-playing people alike, in 2007. BioShock was everything boxes didn't dare to do at the time: It was bold, beautiful, and it had a message. You looked at that box and it spoke to the soul. It said, "Open me, stick me in your game box, and have a randy dandy time." We gaming folk finally discovered what true art is and why it's worth talking about all the dang time on NeoGAF.
After getting several hours of eyes-on ophthalmic exploration of Irrational's much anticipated follow-up, I have to say that BioShock Infinite is not the box we deserve.
The Wii U has had a chance to settle in North America, and just recently hit shelves in Europe. The question on everybody's lips is, of course -- is the Wii U the best home console in the world, and should I throw away every other expensive electronic device in my house out of pure spite?
The answer to both those questions is, of course, yes. Smash it all. Including your television. You won't need that anymore, because the GamePad basically is one.
More importantly, you must know the Wii U is better than the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 combined, because its release has been and always will be a gigantic pissing contest. It's not just better, in fact -- it's blatantly better. Find out why.
Thomas Truong, the man responsible for the excellent New Adventures of Podtoid, has been working on another project, and it's quite glorious. He's gone and taken a section of an old article I wrote, How Xbox Live is Blatantl...
I'll admit to not being the world's biggest Halo fan, so it took me by surprise to find out that Microsoft had changed Halo 4's name since I last saw it at E3, deciding instead to call it Halo 4: King of the Hill Powered by M...
This year, two reigning incumbents are looking to win themselves a second term of power. I am, of course, talking about president-elect of the United States, Barack Obama, and president-man of the eighth console generation, the Wii home entertainment gaming family device.
Really, the difference between the two situations is practically non-existent. Both became world leaders from humble and unlikely beginnings. Both have won praise and criticism for their unorthodox ways. Both have great marketing departments. Also, Obama said "videogames" once a few years ago, so he is totally videogame-related and that makes this post okay.
Anyway, the point is, this upcoming election is not about Obama vs. Romney. It's clearly about Obama vs. the Wii U, and I urge you all to cast your vote for Nintendo this November. Why? Because the Wii's reign was blatantly better than Barack Obama's reign, and the Wii U shall logically run America better.
Ninja Theory's redesign of Dante in DmC: Devil May Cry is easily one of the most controversial overhauls in gaming history. Lengthy arguments have been made, explicitly detailing why the new Dante is such a bad character, and yet others vehemently claim Capcom will never get their money again. Opinions are heated.
Opinions are, however, meaningless without me being around to point out the scientifically correct ones. For, indeed, the quality of the new Dante is a scientific fact, not something you can have a so-called "opinion" about. It's like saying the Sun is cold or that birds can't fly -- you can't have your say in this debate, because it's a matter of reality versus fantasy.
The reality is this -- new Dante is blatantly better than old Dante. If you disagree, you're fighting science.
Electronic Arts has repeatedly assured fans that Mirror's Edge as a series will not die, that one day we'll get the sequel of our dreams. Nevertheless, folks remain skeptical that we'll ever see Mirror's Edge 2. The original game didn't perform spectacularly and had a few issues that kept the mainstream from paying attention.
Nevertheless, the game had a strong cult following, and fans continue to hope for a new installment.
What would such a game entail? What would we even want from Mirror's Edge 2? After much soul-searching and discussion with fans, I've drawn up a must-have list of all the things we could want in a sequel. If you're a real follower of Faith and her adventures, you're bound to agree.
Since medieval times, humanity has debated, argued, and sometimes even fought over the eternal question -- which company is better, Sony or Microsoft? Angry diatribes have been written and blood has been spilled, but neither man nor beast have found the answer.
However, each side can score points in less encompassing criteria, and it is on these smaller battlefields that the war is being waged in earnest. One of the greatest war zones, the realm of online services, is the most hard-fought, but it's clear who is winning -- Microsoft. Yes, Xbox Live is blatantly better than PlayStation Network.
If you don't believe me, you better shut your stupid mouth before I slap it off your gormless face. I have facts backing me up, you little idiot. What have you got? Sit down, shut up, and listen to the truth that's literally growing out of my head like hair.
Project H.A.M.M.E.R. was one of those early announced Wii games that never really went anywhere and quietly disappeared. Alongside Sadness, it was the sort of title that stood out from the minigames and gimmicky PS2 ports. Unlike Sadness, there was proof that Project H.A.M.M.E.R. was an actual videogame at one point.
Unfortunately, Nintendo canned development years ago, demonstrating that it hates all good games and wanted to only publish bad ones like The Superb Mario's Galaxy and A Legendary Zelda: Sky Wood Sword. Now, however, the Wii U is coming to bring hardcore games to the hardcore gamers who want graphics and online leaderboards.
So, armed with the Twitter hashtag #BringBackProjectHAMMER and a heck of a lot of gusto, I am out to convince the world why we need to bring back Project H.A.M.M.E.R.
Diablo III launched a few scant months ago, but its PR snafus and controversial business decisions have soured a fair few players. Meanwhile, Runic Games has sat back and capitalized, as jilted dungeon crawlers look toward Torchlight II and hail it as the answer to their prayers.
Sadly, however, these poor misguided fools are as misguided as they are poor. They are also foolish. They are poor, misguided, and foolish because only a poor misguided fool who is foolishly misguided would be poor enough to consider Torchlight II anywhere near Diablo III in terms of asskickingness. I swear by the blank check in my shirt pocket that I will defend Activision's beautifully made game against all criticism, because there is one simple truth that you need to understand.
Diablo III is blatantly better than Torchlight II.
The absolute highlight of yesterday's special E3 3DS press conference was, undoubtedly, the unveiling of Threediots, a new 3D pulp comedy show that will air on the handheld's Nintendo Video channel. As you can see, it is lit...