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Indie game Munch Face wants your feedback


Think Pac-Man with turrets, portals, and guns
Apr 27
// johnmasterlee
Aloha from Oahu! Working on an indie game called Munch Face for a 3 month stint in Hawaii, and this morn we're doing a code jam, and this evening a Spam Jam. Spam Jam is a real thing. It's a festival... for Spam... Anyways, o...

Ten golden rules of online gaming

Mar 10 // Jim Sterling
1: Online gaming is serious business: So, you finally got your game hooked up and are ready to play. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that online gaming is about having fun. You are very wrong and you will learn this in due time. Because we gamers are too physically weak to pick random fights in bars, we must assert our alpha male dominance another way -- by twiddling our fingers around on buttons until virtual representations of people we don't know simulate death.  This is your life now, and you are connected, physically and emotionally, to your in-game avatar. When they frag you, do you not bleed? Well, no you don't but that's not the point. You will mourn him for every second of that respawn countdown. His digital death just killed a little piece of you, and you will avenge with the fury of a thousand angry Gods.  In team games, if you are losing, remember to berate your teammates and tell them how much they suck. You won't be making a fool out of yourself for ordering them around and reminding them that your side is losing and nobody's helping you win. Also, you must use words like "alpha," all the time, just like you're a real army man! 2: Noobs are scum: People who are new to a particular game are terrible vermin who you should not fraternise with. These subhumans are known as noobs and they are the pariahs of online gaming. You, however, were never a noob. You were playing games online before the Internet was even invented. In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64. Make sure to check out the stats of anybody in a game with you. If they have not been playing for long, then you must hurl insults at them because they are lesser human beings. Laugh cruelly if noobs are your opponents, and grimace loudly if they are on your team.  Also, the term noob has such power that if you dislike someone's actions in a game, you can say it to them as well. Obviously, displeasing you is deadly enough to make them forget all their prior gaming experience and they actually revert back into children.  3: If a feature in a game is popular/effective, it is cheap: Be it the chainsaw in Gears of War, or snipers in any FPS ever made, there are a number of cool features and tactics in games that people not only find enjoyable to use, but are often highly effective methods of securing victory -- never use them. If you do so, you are cheap and will become a noob. You are a hardcore gamer now, which means you only use shotguns or anything else that's really boring. You hate all that is popular, and if you see anybody utilising the best/more useful features of a game, you are to get rid of them immediately.   If these pukes were good at the game like you, they wouldn't need to rely on such cheap tactics, would they? They'd be like you, running around with the shotgun, not having fun and despising everything everyone else is doing. The fact that they have killed you so many times is proof of how bad they are at playing. 4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap: Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap. 5: If you are losing, it is because of lag: Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills. Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good. 6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking: Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking. People who appear to be doing a lot of killing and not much of being killed are hackers, plain and simple. There is no way they're that good without cheating. Re-assure your team (after calling them worthless) that the enemy is clearly powered by nefarious undertakings and you are being penalized for your wholesome and pure ways. Then remember to say alpha. 7: Everyone is gay: Before the Internet was invented, gay people were those in society who were attracted physically and emotionally to members of the same gender. Since the Internet, everyone and everything is gay. From the gun they use to kill you, to the voice they use to communicate with you, it is all gay, gay, gay. Lag is gay, snipers are gay, noobs are gay, people from other countries are gay, the countries they come from are gay, the ocean the country is surrounded by is gay, the fish in the ocean are gay, all sealife is gay, life is gay, gays are gay, gay gay gay. Gay. Using the same one-syllable word to describe everything you don't like might not be an indicator of a varied vocabulary, but who cares? Words are gay. 8: Singing is awesome: Communicating via a headset is great because it lets gamers sing, and that is one of the only reasons we buy headsets. In fact, some people are known to log into servers just to hear poor quality, nasal renditions of the latest "phat tracks." One of the most original and beloved songs to sing is anything done by Rick Astley. Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag. If you lack the raw sexual magnetisim and confidence that is required to sing during a game, you can always hold the microphone up to some speakers and play your favorite tunes for everybody. Your fellow gamers really care what your musical interests are and will applaud your tasteful selection of tracks.   9: Calling people naggers is both original and hilarious: Racism online is bad, which is a shame because deep down everybody knows it's actually awesome. There is, however, a really witty workaround that allows you to say racist words while not actually saying them. Remember that episode of South Park where Randy believed that the missing letter in "n - ggers" was an I? Then he said the full word and everyone was shocked because it was actually naggers and not that word? Well, here's a pro tip -- nobody has EVER thought of calling people naggers online. You are going to be so edgy if you capitalize on this opportunity. Do it all the time and your popularity will skyrocket. 10: Team members who score are kill stealers: Kill stealing is one of the most abhorrent and despicable crimes ever committed, and is even listed in some modern Bibles as the eighth deadly sin. Every opponent is a victim waiting to die by your hand alone, and if anybody dares shoot them before you, they are a kill stealer. Only you may have the glory of the kill, and woe betide anybody caught shooting at the same target as you. If they get the win, they clearly stole your kill. Even if you and a team member are on opposite sides of the game map, they kill stole. Obviously they did. Probably thanks to a hack. Just remember, of course, that you are not a kill stealer. You are merely an opportunist. Besides which, since all the enemies are your personal fodder anyway, you're taking nothing away from the meat puppets who are only there to be noobs and bring down your score by sucking. These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress.  Good luck pwning, my fellow online warriors. May noobs fall at your feet and your sword cut through the mists of lag forevermore.
Everyone is gay photo
Everyone is gay
[Destructoid turns 7 next week! Here's our most popular article from January 2009, one of Jim's first features. Check out more of our earlier works in our Golden Archives. -Niero] People have been hunched over their PCs, firi...

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Mass Effect 3's ending got you down? Help is available


Mar 16
// Tony Ponce
Did the ending to Mass Effect 3 leave you broken and unfulfilled? Is there a whole in your life that can't be filled no matter how much alcohol you imbibe or how many pills you swallow? Are you circling the drain, unable to ...
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'Rollers' iOS game seeking Kickstarter help


Dec 29
// Ian Bonds
Indie developer Tom Rockwell of FIDIM Interactive (which stands for "Fine, I'll Do It Myself") has a plan to develop a new iOS title called Rollers. Tom has had experience developing games before, such as his browser based Ne...
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Jonathan Holmes helps Sonic get his 'act' back together


Oct 31
// Tony Ponce
Those who tune in to Podtoid will recall that Jonathan Holmes' is a social worker in a psychiatric hospital. He helps the drug-addled and mentally unstable to, if not necessarily return to active society, at least become less...
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Videogame workshop gets your grandparents game on


Oct 18
// Wesley Ruscher
My grandma is ace at bowling in Wii Sports -- and yes that is her throwing it down in the pic above (be nice and send some positive energy her way as she's currently in the hospital). But while she may have the natural bowlin...
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Anyone gonna donate to make the AVGN movie a reality?


Oct 17
// Tony Ponce
In order to help raise some dough for the upcoming Angry Video Game Nerd movie, series creator James Rolfe has opened up... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Back up! An AVGN movie!? When did this happen? Actually, I tipped the news to Dtoi...
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LittleBigPlanet gets a much-needed wiki


Jan 28
// Jordan Devore
LittleBigPlanet developer Media Molecule is trying to get the word out that there's now a wiki for the creatively demanding platformer series. Whatever makes building Zelda dungeons easier is fine by me. The wiki will be run ...
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PopCap offers up Zuma Blitz tips that I desperately need


Nov 10
// Dale North
Perhaps you've seen that we've been playing in the beta for PopCap's Zuma Blitz. I thought I was doing well. In the first tournament I was third place among us all. I felt good about a score of 366,670, which I acquired by cl...
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Sony shows PlayStation Move 'momentum' with snappy image


Nov 08
// Jim Sterling
Sony hasn't done a great job of veiling its attempts to undermine the launch of Kinect. After boasting about the EyeToy on Kinect's launch day, the publisher is now producing slick graphics in order to show that its own waggl...
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Gunblade NY and LA Machineguns, together, at last


Apr 27
// Jordan Devore
"Why did someone at Sega send over a press release with a headline full of nonsensical words?" That was my initial reaction to the announcement that Sega was bringing Gunblade NY and LA Machineguns, two light gun arcade game...
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If you turned off the videogames for a second over the past week you've probably heard of the massive earthquake that hit Haiti, destroying most of the structures in the country, killing thousands and leaving even more homele...

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Sony responds to Heavy Rain US box art hate


Jan 13
// Jim Sterling
Yesterday, Sony revealed the US box art for Heavy Rain, and compared to the European package, it was awful. Fortunately, enough people thought so for Sony to take notice, and SCEA has responded to the hate with a compromise. ...
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Drug fugitive caught thanks to Warcraft addiction


Jan 04
// Jim Sterling
Oh the irony! A man wanted on drug charges fell prey an addiction of his own -- tracked down by cops thanks to his obsession with World of Warcraft. Alfred Hightower of Howard County, Indiana fled to Canada to avoid the ...
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Square Enix wants to 'lead global entertainment' in 2010


Jan 04
// Jim Sterling
Like it or not, 2010 is now here, as yet another arbitrary, artificial period of twelve months kickstarts to give us the illusion of something important happening. Square Enix is all up for some of that, having sent out a New...
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You will never look at Mario the same way again


Nov 20
// Jordan Devore
What is it about this obese Mario mask that makes it so damned terrifying? My immediate thought was the tongue. Oh God, the tongue! But then my eyes were drawn to the bulbous red nose. Has Mario ever had a red nose before? He...
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Want Retro Game Challenge 2 localized? Open up that wallet


Jun 24
// Jonathan Holmes
In a recent Siliconera interview with Xseed's President Jun Iwasaki and Director of Publishing Ken Berry, there's a tad bit of tit for tat over what would need to happen in order for Retro Game Challenge 2 to leave Japan. Ken...
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Here is who you'll rock with when you rock with GH5


May 31
// Matthew Razak
Eager to find out what bands will be shipping with Guitar Hero 5? According to NME the headlining bands will include the likes of the Arctic Monkeys, Nirvana, Blur, Gorillaz, Bob Dylan and a crap ton more that are listed afte...
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Bully: Scholarship Edition to be fixed 'within the next week'


Mar 07
// Jordan Devore
If you happened to pick up Bully: Scholarship Edition and have been experiencing any sort of glitches or even a bad framerate, don't get rid of the game just yet. It won't be much longer until your copy of Bully is functionin...
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Create a level for Bionic Commando: Rearmed and it could be featured in the game


Feb 27
// Jordan Devore
Capcom has a cool new contest going on right now that involves you designing a challenge level for the upcoming downloadable game, Bionic Commando: Rearmed. Whoever comes up with the best design will not only have their creat...
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Now this is what I call a real Guitar Hero


Feb 07
// SRVSLPS
Even as a gamer myself, I've never felt drawn to the whole Guitar Hero/Rock Band scene. Maybe it's because I have struggled to learn the real thing, but the idea of pretending to play great Rock songs ranks up there with lip-...
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With Biggie dead, MC Frontalot tapped to create track for Penny Arcade game


Oct 17
// Earnest Cavalli
Moments ago I received a press release announcing the latest work of nerdcore rapper MC Frontalot, a cut on the soundtrack for the upcoming Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness. To say this move is...
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According to Ubisoft, Assassin's Creed plays no favorites


Oct 12
// SRVSLPS
Although both Microsoft and Sony would rather forget about the shortcomings of their respected consoles, interviews that zero in on those nasty blemishes are never in short supply. Buried somewhere in the words of developers ...
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"Disaster is right!" headline be gone; Disaster: Day of Crisis shows potential


Oct 11
// Chad Concelmo
When the Wii was first announced last year, there were two “mature” looking games on its tentative release slate. The first, Project: H.A.M.M.E.R. sadly looks to now be all but cancelled and ...
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Beautiful Katamari coming to PS3 after all (Updated: No it's not!)


Sep 11
// Jim Sterling
For a good while it appeared that Beautiful Katamari would not be heading to the PlayStation 3 after developer Namco Bandai complained about difficulties with Sony's futuristic devil hardware of doom from the planet HardToDev...
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Jack Thompson to subpoena ... the president!?


Sep 06
// Jim Sterling
The craziest man to ever be declared sane, Jack Thompson, has pulled one of his wackiest moves yet as he has filed to subpoena George W. Bush for a deposition in his bid to keep his law license. Thompson of course is facing t...
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Eiji Aonuma on the DS, Phantom Hourglass, and Smash Bros


Aug 03
// SRVSLPS
Speaking to Game Informer, Eiji Aonuma had a few things to say about working on Phantom Hourglass and developing for the DS hardware in general. Among other things, he made it clear that while a direct sequel to Wind Waker, f...
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Insomniac is gonna school ya'll in PS3 development


Aug 02
// Nick Chester
It's no secret that the folks at Insomniac Games are some great chaps. Recently, they were named one of the top companies to work for in the United States, an amazing feat for any videogame developer (usually known for pullin...
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Help Reggie get Wii Healthy


Jul 12
// Leigh Alexander
Those of you following our E3 coverage have already heard about Nintendo president Reggie Fils-Aime's less-than-impressive showing at the Wii Fit demonstration. He tried the route of denial by claiming "heavy clothin...
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Captain Obvious: Sony's Jack Tretton thinks the PlayStation 3 needs videogames


Jun 14
// Jim Sterling
As you all know by now, the PlayStation 3 has its very own blog, which for the most part is used for Sony employees to say "oh hai guyz." Recently, however, the CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment America, Jack Trett...






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