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PokÚdex entries must have been written by children


It's the only explanation that makes sense
Oct 20
// Tony Ponce
If you've ever played a Pokémon game, you'd realize that some of the critters possess rather unbelievable abilities beyond comprehension. I'm not talking about just the legendary Pokémon but also the run-of-the-...
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ThinkGeek's pint-sized Portal gun won't break the bank


Batteries not included
Oct 19
// Jordan Devore
With Halloween fast approaching, ThinkGeek's new Miniature Replica Portal Gun ($59.99) is going to be hard to resist. It's got appropriately colored LEDs, a working trigger, and movable claws. Parents, think about how much c...
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Warning: this kids' Spyro costume is f*cking nightmarish!


An eldritch horror from beyond reason
Oct 15
// Jim Sterling
Behold! The LORD's cruelest joke! Cast out from Heaven, rejected by Hell, and feared by the realm of mortals. The rules of nature apply not to this misshapen beast, for it is wrought of no natural element. It exists without e...
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Jimquisition: Think of the Children!


Jimquisition happens every Monday!
Oct 15
// Jim Sterling
Children are the holy grail of conflict. In media, they are the go-to solution for instant dilemma in a can, a way to garner immediate sympathy from an audience because they're children, and children are sooooo sympathic. Ex...
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Have a trailer for Wonderbook's Book of Spells


More like Book of Smells ha ha ha
Aug 30
// Jim Sterling
Enter a world of majesty and wonder! Concoct spells dreamed of only in your most glittering fantasy! Feel like a bigger fanny than you ever thought you could be with Wonderbook, Sony's answer to the EyePet! Oh, wait ... ...
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Kid keels over after four-day Call of Duty marathon


Aug 09
// Jim Sterling
In science news, did you know that if you play Call of Duty for four days straight without drinking, you're ten times more likely to be hospitalized with dehydration? A teenager in Columbus, Ohio found that out just this week...
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Something is wrong with the Mario movie's coloring book


Aug 08
// Tony Ponce
Good news, bad news time. The bad news is that Bob Hoskins, famed English actor who starred in such films as The Long Good Friday, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Hook, and the notorious Super Mario Bros., was recently diagnosed wit...
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Nike+ Kinect Training and Kinect Sesame Street TV dated


Jul 24
// Jordan Devore
While it wasn't exactly entertaining to see during Microsoft's 2012 E3 press conference, I have a feeling Nike+ Kinect Training will do just fine for itself. The fitness game will be releasing in the United States on October ...
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Sony focusing on family-friendly games this Christmas


Jul 24
// Jim Sterling
If you're looking forward to a slew of cool PS3 games to play this holiday season, you might want to dial your excitement back just a touch. Sony has declared it'll focus on "family-friendly" games this Christmas, hoping to r...
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Goodnight, Termina Moon


Jul 18
// Tony Ponce
Goodnight Moon is one of the most beloved children's bedtime stories of all time. When set in the Zelda universe, it becomes the pool whence all nightmares emerge. That moon. There is no place to hide. There is no escape. Sweet dreams tonight, f*ckers. Goodnight, Termina Moon [Dorkly via GoNintendo]
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Man blames Microsoft for his kid's ú1150 Xbox Live bill


Jul 13
// Jim Sterling
A foolish child managed to spend £1150 of his father's money on Xbox Live. The father's response? Blame Microsoft for his own slapdash parenting, of course.  "He didn't realize it was costing real money," said...
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Awesome father paints Zelda mural on kid's walls


Jun 18
// Tony Ponce
If you are a deadbeat dad, go f*ck yourself. Seriously, you've got this little, impressionable person who looks up to you like you are the center of the damn universe, and you're NOT going to do everything in your power to m...
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The perfect evening attire for your Baby Blue Bomber


May 28
// Tony Ponce
Gamer parents who were born in the 70s and 80s are continuously discovering new ways to introduce their offspring to the hobby. Best to hook 'em while they're young, I always say! And what better way to instill an affinity fo...
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This five-year-old Mega Man fan ought to be Capcom's prez


Apr 23
// Tony Ponce
News came out this weekend that Reika Morishita, the vocalist of the Rockman DASH (Mega Man Legends) opening and ending songs, will be repackaging her MML tunes, and should the album sell 20,000 copies, Capcom might be persu...
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Konami announces DanceDanceRevolution Classroom Edition


Apr 19
// Dale North
Konami has transformed the popular arcade dance game DanceDanceRevolution for the classroom. Classroom Edition is a PC-based DDR title made for schools and fitness classes, created in cooperation with several health and fitne...
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Kid Link don't wanna grow up in this glitchy OoT speedrun


Apr 15
// Tony Ponce
There is an upside and a downside to the patching functionality found in modern console games. On the one hand, being able to close up nasty holes that would otherwise dampen the experience is quite the welcome feature. On t...
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Despite my rough attitude and general snarkiness, I have a huge soft spot in my heart for kids. For this reason, I nearly fell apart a few minutes into this short film about Caine's Arcade. Caine Monroy is a nine-year-old bo...

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How's your baby-throwing arm? Offspring Fling is out


Mar 30
// Tony Ponce
To all would-be parents, how prepared are you for the big day? You could probably stand to brush up on some important child-raising skills. For instance, how far can you toss a baby? You'll never know when you'll need to chuc...
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Child molester caught red-handed thanks to DSi camera


Mar 29
// Jim Sterling
A 46-year-old British man may have gotten away with molesting a child, had the victim not been quick-witted enough to catch his criminal act on her DSi camera. Thanks to a 10-year-old girl and her game system, pedophile John ...
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Priest sells DS, forgets there's child porn on it


Mar 22
// Jim Sterling
A catholic priest, doing his bit to fulfill every negative stereotype about his fellows, recently sold a Nintendo DS and forgot to remove the child pornography that was stored on it. This classic goof led to an investigation,...
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Excerpt: 5 games kids love and parents hate


Mar 13
// Dale North
I'm lucky to have parents that didn't have a problem with any videogames. Of course, I grew up at a time where there were no first-person shooters and fighting games weren't bloody and/or sexy yet. These days kids have it har...
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Offspring Fling is all about throwing babies


Feb 02
// Tony Ponce
Do you guys remember playing Depict1 on Newgrounds? It was a puzzle platformer that fed you inaccurate instructions, so you had to ignore those directions in order to clear the game. It was made by indie developer Kyle Pulve...
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Hey, Little Sister! Who's the only one?


Jan 29
// Tony Ponce
Pinup artist Martin Abel has whipped up a poster featuring a rather developed Little Sister from BioShock. Sometimes, when you get a tip in your inbox for something like this, you gotta go with the obvious joke. And so... *DEEPLY INHALE* Jonathan Holmes... well... is it!?!? (Thanks for the tip, Mike!)
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Video: The most difficult Final Fantasy IV battle


Jan 19
// Dale North
I don't know about you, but I could never get through this battle in Final Fantasy IV. My moves weren't feminine enough, I guess. Next time I'll try equipping Long Socks and Gross Shorts from my inventory. 
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Assassin's Creed musical features child murder


Dec 23
// Tony Ponce
Perhaps the one thing we don't see much of during the holidays is good ol' child murder. Thankfully, Random Encounter has got us covered with this toe-tapping Assassin's Creed song and dance! I can honestly say that Christmas is now complete. Nothing Is True: An Assassins Creed Song [YouTube]
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Check out Harmonix live stream for Child's Play charity


Dec 19
// Dale North
Harmonix will live stream some Christmas craziness for the Child's Play charity today. From 5pm to 8pm Eastern they'll host a holiday-themed stream to raise money for the kids. This stream will feature interviews with Harmoni...
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PS3 aiming for younger, family demographic in 2012


Dec 05
// Jim Sterling
Hopefully you've had your fill of blood n' guts on the PlayStation 3, because Sony is doing what Sony does best -- pulling the ol' marketing switcheroo and deciding it wants a new demographic. According to SCEE CEO Jim Ryan, ...
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Two parents actually called their child Dovahkiin


Nov 17
// Jim Sterling
You may remember a while ago, Bethesda set up a contest offering a lifetime supply of Bethesda games to any parents cruel enough to name their child Dovahkiin (that's dragon speak for "Dragonborn"). Well, a pair of bastards a...

Modern Warfare 3 has own 'No Russian' with little girl

Nov 04 // Jim Sterling
[embed]215183:41604[/embed] [So yes. This time, we see a family video being recorded by tourists in London. A man, a woman, and a very young girl. As the mother and her child get in frame for the video, a van pulls up behind them and explodes, obviously killing the family. Oh, the shock!]
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If there's one thing Infinity Ward's gotten good at, it's using shock tactics. The "nuke" level of Modern Warfare generated a lot of discussion, only to be eclipsed by the highly controversial "No Russian" stage in Modern War...

Review: Kinectimals: Now With Bears

Oct 20 // Dale North
Kinectimals: Now With Bears (Xbox 360)Developer: Frontier DevelopmentPublisher: Microsoft StudiosReleased: October 11, 2011MSRP: $49.99 (retail) / $14.99 ("Bear Island" DLC) Like the original release, Kinectimals: Now With Bears lets you interact with some of the cutest virtual animals ever created. The fun-loving felines of the original are still ready for a romp in this version, but now bear cubs are also available for play. I wasted no time in going the bear route, picking an adorable black bear from the line-up, but only after strongly considering the panda as my first choice. He was also impossibly cute. Hell, all of them are. The polar bear looked sad when I passed on him. It still hurts a bit. I set out on a guided adventure with my cub, exploring a deserted island packed with all kinds of trouble for us to get into. The game unfolds on a map, with new zones that are revealed after play requirements are met. With each new zone, new play types are uncovered to add to your arsenal. Through natural movements, my bear and I were able to juggle, play with RC cars, climb trees and even dig for buried treasure. As we found more places, we learned more tricks and met more bears to play with. The third bear I encountered was a sun bear. I can't quit him and his derpy face -- he's still my bear of choice. When you're not adventuring around the pirate-themed island to follow the loosely laced buried treasure story, you're doing the pet sim thing, with all the grooming and feeding you'd expect from a game of this type. You're free to take part in bear care at any time you wish, and each session will help you work toward unlocking the next fun area on the map to explore, meaning you can't lose. Compared with other pet sims, the big differences here are that you're going through the realistic motions with your hands, and that no pet sim looks this lovely. Both aspects are sure to win any child over, but fellow adults stricken with cute sickness will also appreciate the work the developers have put into this title. How could you not? Such realistic fur movement! The motion-sensing Kinect technology was free of fault in almost all of my play sessions. Navigating menus and basic interactions, like holding my hand out to feed my cub, happened without a hitch. Even more complex games, like playing volleyball with my bear (seriously!), were problem free and at times impressive in their range. A few of the moves, like tree climbing, which forced you to continually raise your hands and lean to coax your cub up and around trees, were a bit less intuitive, but never to the point of being broken. Throwing was also a bit off, as it required you to lean to aim your throw, and had less to do with the trajectory of your arm. Even with these small issues, young children should have no problem navigating and playing this game. Speaking of children, the game's sweet-voiced, fox-faced, flying narrator should prove to be a very useful guide for them. Adults, on the other hand, will find it hard to tolerate more than 5 minutes of her voice. There were times that I wished I could have sent my bear cub to claw her out of the sky and eat her face. I get why she's there, but she sometimes got in the way of my precious bear time with her talking and buzzing around.  This is a children's game, so it's likely safe to assume that anyone reading this is considering a purchase for a child. Go for it. This game is adorable, sure, but where it really succeeds is with its motion control, which seems to give you a direct link with the cute animal on the screen. High-end visuals and animation work with this to complete the illusion of having this wild pet in your living room. And bears. How could you pass on bears? They lick the screen from the inside and you wipe off their slobber from the glass. How could you not be sold after knowing that?
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I like cats but I love bears. How could you not love those rounded ears, that fuzzy face and little nub tail? I've been known to talk to bears. At bookstores I'll flip through bear picture books like some kind of addict. At z...







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