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Blatantly Better

Wii U is blatantly better than PS3 and Xbox 360 COMBINED

Nov 30 // Jim Sterling
Intuitive motion reduction enhancement features If you've played some of the third-party ports that have been expediently produced for your benefit, you may have been delighted with one of the Wii U's boldest new features -- a little addition I like to call Intuitive Motion Reduction Enhancement. This innovative approach to gaming takes some of the more hardcore experiences -- Ninja Gaiden 3, Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper, Call of Duty: Black Ops II -- and dynamically reduces the speed at which they are played in order to give the user extreme tactical advantages.  Here's how it works -- when the action is at its most hectic, at its most adrenaline-pumping, the Wii U intuitively lowers the framerate, sometimes to a crawl. This "bullet time" effect allows the player a new level of unmatched battlefield surveillance, giving him or her the power to make fresh decisions and dramatically alter the course of gameplay in their favor. Never before has such power been at the player's fingertips, and only on the Wii U can this inspiring feature be accessed.  Be sure to laugh at your friends as they remain forced to play Call of Duty at normal speeds, like mundane idiots. We call these people Kinematypicals, and we look at them with disgust.  It has the best version of Firmware of any console When you first get your shiny new Wii U (still massively available in every shop in the world), you get instant access to the most crucial game right out of the box -- for free! Nintendo's version of this generation's most popular game, Firmware, is bigger, better, and greatly expanded when compared to the paltry efforts of the Xbox 360 and even PS3! Sure, the PS3 managed to negotiate exclusive access to more Firmware sequels and DLC than Microsoft or Nintendo, but only on Wii U can you get the definitive version -- all 57GB of it! PS3 fans are going to feel really sore after wasting their time on shitty little incremental updates when they find out that Firmware is available, in full and larger than ever, ONLY on the Nintendo Wii U home entertainment videogame entertainment Wii U entertainment console.  You better rub some ice cream on your butt from all the butt-stuff that Nintendo just did to your butt, you butthurt little PS3 fanboys. Sorry to BUTT in and be a BUTTHER (still works), but I wondered if you'd like some BUTTER to cool down your BUTT after all the BUTTHURT on your BUTT. You fucking fucks.  Willem Dafoe  Only on Wii U can you access the official Willem Dafoe fan community. Although currently misnamed Rabbids Land, the Willem Dafoe Miiverse community is rich with tribute to Hollywood's favorite son -- and perhaps the most treasured man in America today -- Willem Dafoe. Full of fun facts (Willem Dafoe invented cars) and whimsical fan drawings (Willem's Datoe, Battlefoeds, Wii-llem Dafoe), the Wii U has become the ultimate destination for all things Willem! The closest the SexCocks PeeShitty (Xbox 360) ever got to a thriving celebrity community was that time I drew Val Kilmer in marker pen on the side of my console ... and the drawing was fucking shit. Part of his eye was doodled over the disc tray so every time I tried to put a game in, it looked like his eye was coming out a bit, and it was really scary and gross, and I said to myself, "This is not The Batman, this is not the fucking Batman," every single time it happened.  And nobody on eBay believed me when I tried to sell it and say it was Val Kilmer's personal Xbox. Bloody stupid Microsoft.  Aliens: Colonial Marines will have a motion tracker Does anything else even need to be said? This one fact alone proves the Wii U is better than both the TyrannosaurusRexCumFilledSocks TreeThatADogPissedUpSixtyYearsOldLikeAnOldMan (Xbox 360) and PlayStinky 3 (PlayStation 3). We have all dreamed of being a Colonial Marine, firing our pulse rifle into the air, making hurtful sexist remarks about capable female comrades, and eventually ending our lives in screaming terror as eyeless abominations drag us mercilessly to be processed into little more than macabre wombs.  It's the American dream, and Wii U takes us one step closer to making it a reality. Only on Nintendo's wonder machine can you have a real-life motion tracker in your real-life hands, able to directly pinpoint real-life Xenomorph activity and defecate into your real-life pants with the extreme terror of it all. In REAL life! Aliens is literally the best film ever made (after Alien 3), and Aliens: Colonial Marines will be the best game in the world thanks to the reality-warping properties of the Wii U. You might even start believing you're a trained military professional! How fun would that be? You'd get to kill people in the street for looking browner than you, and nobody can stop you because you're a Colonial Marine! I think that's how it works.  Funky Barn Is the PS3 funky enough for this barn? No. Is the Xbox 360 funky enough for this barn? No. The Wii U, by stark contrast, has been scientifically measured as matching the predetermined levels of funk required to gain entry to the aforementioned barn, and that is why it is the best home gaming system on the market right now.  Just trust me, this point makes sense if you have a Wii U. If not, then tough shit. You should've gotten one. Now you're just a spastic.  Games look dramatically better on the Wii U Before you start thinking I'm a biased fanboy and write this point off as something a loyalist shill might say, bear in mind these are not my words. These are the words of Reggie Fils-Aime! Yeah, not looking so biased now, are they?  [embed]239580:45938:0[/embed] CNN correspondent Reggie Fils-Aime has stated for the record that Wii U games look dramatically better than the visually inferior counterparts found slumming it on PS3 and Xbox 360 -- or should I say PeePissPee and Xbox 360!?!? Yeah, I should say that.  You can't really get less biased than the opinion of a third party, which is why I urge you to not just take my word for it. Please pay attention to the words of people like Reggie, Satoru Iwata, and Shigeru Miyamoto, all hardworking pundits in the industry who have spoken extensively about the qualities of the Wii U. If you insist on ignoring my opinion, go check out those guys, and prepare to have your damn eyes opened.  The GamePad is a bit like an iPad Some of you may not want to accept it, but we've all got to face facts some day -- the iPad is the inevitable future of all gaming. In years to come, the iPad will steadily replace all systems in what is quite clearly a zero-sum game where all that is new exists solely at the expense of the old. And smart people couldn't be happier about it, because the iPad is home to the best videogames on the market. Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, Angry Birds Star Wars -- the list of quality gaming experiences on iPad goes on and on, and the only safe game companies are those embracing the incontestable conclusion of everything videogames have worked towards. Companies like Nintendo, who have used the Wii U to give us a controller that is exactly like an iPad in every single way except for apps, multitouch, a retina display, comparable battery life, the ability to take it outdoors, and some other things.  The Wii U is now in a prime position to score some of those hot new iPad games, such as Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, and even Angry Birds Star Wars. Meanwhile, the PS3 is stuck with lame shitty casual games like Angry Birds on the so-called PSN. What a lame duck.  Final Fantasy XIII isn't on it It's the little blessings that make life worth living, after all! God bless you, Wii U -- you're literally Jesus Christ. 
Wii U > 360/PS3 photo
Suck my hardware, you stupid STUPID
The Wii U has had a chance to settle in North America, and just recently hit shelves in Europe. The question on everybody's lips is, of course -- is the Wii U the best home console in the world, and should I throw away every ...

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How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN, animated


Thomas Truong brings the brilliance once more
Nov 16
// Jim Sterling
Thomas Truong, the man responsible for the excellent New Adventures of Podtoid, has been working on another project, and it's quite glorious. He's gone and taken a section of an old article I wrote, How Xbox Live is Blatantl...

The Wii is blatantly better than Barack Obama

Oct 18 // Jim Sterling
The Wii has a superior healthcare solution Sure, people like to talk about Obamacare like it's significant, but how many lives has it saved so far? How many diseases has it cured? I just did a Google search and it turns out both cancer and AIDS are still pretty much around, so thanks a lot, NobamaCOULDN'TcareLESS! Meanwhile, the healing properties of the Wii are documented and acknowledged by scientists who have been interviewed in newspapers. As you look at the mounting evidence, you find that Wii-habilitation has stopped elderly people from falling down stairs, eliminated fatness and old age, and made arthritis a thing of the past. There are no pictures of Obamacare saving some little bald kid's life. There are pictures of mad old duffers standing up and waving their hands around. Rejuvenation, for a healthsome America. The Wii is a job creator It took Obama four years to lower the unemployment rates below 8% or whatever it was they said on CNN when I was flicking through channels looking for Adventure Time. Whatever. It took the Wii four weeks probably to become a household phenomenon, creating intense demand in retail stores, thus creating more work, thus logically creating jobs. Somebody had to make, package, and sell those Wiis. How many people had to make, package, and sell Obama? We don't know, because he won't show us his birth certificate, but we can assume not many! Under Obama, people have been so unemployed that they can't even get jobs writing shit like this. Meanwhile, Nintendo has been picking up the slack by hiring people to manufacture, then ultimately dismantle, millions of Wii Speak devices. Don't question me on this, just look at the facts I'm writing. Stimulating the economy Talk about a stimulus package? I've got your stimulus package right here, Barry (I am talking about my testicles and penis when I say this, because "package" sometimes means testicles and penis, even though it doesn't in this case, but that is the joke of what I am saying). Barack Obama has done nothing to fix the economy, selling all our money to China, wasting it on education and science instead of giving it to Jesus to invest, and refusing to use his serpent's staff to banish the national debt to the Forbidden Realm of M'ak'Ta'Luao like we keep telling him to. Obama's stimulus package was a joke, especially when you consider the fact that the Wii basically is a little stimulus package in and of itself. In 2006, before Obama was even born, the Wii was responsible for so many people smashing their television sets with carelessly flung motion controllers, thus the electronics industry experienced a thriving boom. Just look at this graph: The Wii sold basketfuls, driving profits for GameStop, Best Buy, Walmart, Amazon, and other stores that I don't go to. It sold dozens of extra peripherals, continuing to boost fiscal earnings and economic stability. Not to mention the 10 copies of Okami it shifted, which might've helped too. The Wii IS America's stimulus, and the Wii U will be as well. Vote Wii U! Nintendo was a more progressive step forward for American culture Barack Obama made history by becoming the first African-American president of the United States of America. It was a massive accomplishment, a huge step forward for our culture, and it's something I absolutely, positively will not take away from the man. We should all be proud and give ourselves a pat on the back over how not-racist we are. Good for us and our victory, white folks of America. Good for us. However, as significant as Obama's presidency may be in the history of progressive attitudes, it's still but a speck on the gigantic radar of time, as compared to the huge, gelatinous splodge that is Nintendo. While Obama was soaking up the acclaim and making us all feel not-racist, Nintendo broke real ground by employing people who weren't even really human into positions of power. That Nintendo would promote Reggie Fils-Aime, the world's first executive to be made up of 75% chuck steak, is truly the achievement that human civilization will remember forever. As most folks know (mostly just by looking at him), Fils-Aime is only partially made up of homo sapien DNA, with most of his body mass constructed from bits off a butcher's slab. There's some pork in there and probably gravy for blood. He's a meaty, salty, oxtail president of Nintendo, something Obama, with all his petty humanity, could never hope to be. God willing, Nintendo will see meat-men in positions of power all over the globe. They can never die, you see, and need not sleep. America has been too prejudiced against homo savories for too long, and Nintendo's paving the way toward acceptance. Wii did more for gay issues than Obama Obama has stood with his gay brethren, making a stand for same-sex marriage and pledging his support to a demographic that has, for too long, been downtrodden, dismissed, and ultimately despised by a large section of the voting public. However, Obama is only supporting gay marriage for political reasons, and politicians doing things for political reasons because of politics absolutely fucking disgust me. How DARE a politician be politically motivated? How DARE Electronic Arts support LGBT issues because of reasons? How DARE!? How DAAAAAARE!?!?!? Sorry to burst your little bubble, BaCRAP OBALMYSUMMEREVENING (Barack Obama), but I'm going to throw my support behind a company that's done far more for gay issues than you could ever hope. I'm throwing my lot in with the Wii, a system that broke gay boundaries with Muscle March. [embed]237009:45475:0[/embed] Just watch the above video, and YOU tell ME what will ultimately be more beneficial for gay rights in America. Some silly bit of paper saying two guys or two gals are married? Or PURE. UNADULTERATED. MUSCLE!? You decide. I'm just dishing out the facts. Don't ever get me started on Captain Rainbow. The Wii isn't single-handedly responsible for every bad thing in America The debt ceiling. Unemployment. The economy. Terrorism. Jeff Dunham. Crime. No freedom. Jeff Dunham. All the fault of one Barack INSANE (instead of Hussein) Obama. As everybody who has watched FOX News under a democratic government can wisely tell you, the president is 100% responsible for absolutely every single bad thing that's ever happened in the country (all good things, by the way, are thanks to Ronald Reagan). The president micromanages the country like he's playing Theme Hospital, and just like Theme Hospital, people keep dying because of bad health care and inflated heads (a metaphor for big government). Meanwhile, the Wii is NOT president, and thus is NOT responsible for every single bad thing that's ever happened in the United States. How about them apples? Vote Wii U for president, because it's not the president, therefore it's not bad. The TROOPS Obama promised to bring THE TROOPS back home but didn't do so. He broke his promise and left THE TROOPS high and dry in Egypt, or wherever it is they are. One of them countries. While our boys are fighting his wars, Obamama's Boy is sitting at home, dodging the draft and laughing at all the people he's having killed, because he doesn't give a damn about our military and he is also big government. While Buttrack Buttbambutt merely promises, Nintendo's at least trying to get our TROOPS back on home soil. Only the Wii was brave enough to draw up a plan of action. Army Rescue, I haven't played it, but the name says all that needs to be said. The Wii has a living document that says it WILL rescue our army. Given half a chance, it'll do it before stupid 2014, too. TROOPS! The Wii simply has THE better president Ladies and gentlemen, I give you President Cat: [embed]237009:45476:0[/embed] I. Rest. My. God. Damn. Case.
Wii > Obama photo
The REAL political debate of the year
This year, two reigning incumbents are looking to win themselves a second term of power. I am, of course, talking about president-elect of the United States, Barack Obama, and president-man of the eighth console gen...


DmC's new Dante is blatantly better than old Dante

Oct 10 // Jim Sterling
He has black hair The old Dante was undeniably awful because he had white hair, which made him look like a doddery old Granddad. Oh, be careful with your bad hip, Dante, you stupid old piece of shit. The new-look Dante features black hair in a fashionable style, because he is hip with the times and speaks out to the youth of today. I don't know about any of you creaking, ancient farts, but I live in the world of the now! I watch televisual shows like Bang Bang Theory and Come on Honey's Boo-Boo. I don't have time for some useless old duffer who can't even pull his trousers up without getting a hernia.  Sorry to break it to you World War II veterans out there, but we've moved on from the Devil May Cry that you played before going over-the-top to shoot the French with your bayonet. Pensioners like Old Dante, Old Snake, and Old Sephiroth need to be taken out back and shot. The future is vital, beautiful, black-haired youths. Forever.  He was designed by a Western developer Japanese game studios just can't make videogames. I have to agree with Phil Fish on this one. Not a single good videogame has ever been made by a game studio in Japan. The biggest problem is that they draw everything like those silly cartoons they have over there, the ones where women sound like they're getting fucked by a cactus all the damn time, and everybody has eyes so big they could blink and cause a hurricane. I'm sick of the anime crap found in games like Super Mario Bros. and Silent Hill, with all the spiky hair, pretentious prattling about love, and flashy bright backgrounds that are used as a gauche substitute for artistic talent.  Fortunately, we have loads of artistic talent in the West, which is where the new Dante has been designed -- thank you, The One True Christian (not Shinto) God. Not only did Ninja Theory fix the hair, it gave him updated and sensible clothes -- the kind of clothes regular joes like me wear all the time. He no longer looks like some big-eyed, spiky-haired, squealing anime girly-girl, which is what every single character drawn by a Japanese "artist" looks like. Especially that Shigeru Miyamoto character -- who the fuck drew him? His jacket is a better shade of red The original Dante's jacket was more of a Fire-Brick shade of red. A decent shade of red, I'll grant you, but it's not in my top ten shades of red. If you're really asking, the ten best shades of red are as follows: Cardinal Amaranth Scarlet Electric Crimson Venetian Red Carmine Rosewood English Red Persian Red Sangria The new Dante's jacket is more in a Venetian Red shade, which is smack-bang in the middle of my top ten. Meanwhile, Fire-Brick is probably ranked 12 in my list. This is proof that the new Dante is better.  He won't fill your dark soul with light In other words, he won't pull this shit: [embed]235681:45230:0[/embed] You know, they say there's a lab somewhere, where researchers show this scene to rabbits, and the rabbits laugh. That's right -- bunny rabbits, unable to grasp the very concept of humor or irony, have been shown to spontaneously grow awareness of the hilarity in that scene, and start making noises approximate to laughter. It's like a series of short, wheezing sniffs. This scene is such a joke, and old Dante is so fucking ludicrous, that not even rabbits respect him. That's not even me saying it, that's the research! I'd let him fist me I'm sure we all have a shortlist of people who, in the right context, would be welcome to fist us should the desire be brought up. Now, it's never a long list (we're not animals), but it is out there, for every single one of us. The new Dante is on mine, because, well ... look at him. Show me the person who can resist that, and I'll show you someone who's clinically dead.  The new Dante is about ten times sexier than the old one, and I think we've all learned by now that the hotter a character is, the better it is overall. Videogames have taught me that if I don't want to stick my penis and/or vagina in something (or have something stick its penis and/or vagina into me) then I can't connect with it on an emotional level, and therefore cannot play the game. This is why I can barely get five minutes into Ico, but have spent a cumulative thirteen years playing Ridge Racer.  Old Dante is to new Dante as Gary Busey is to the Sistine Chapel. He can fill my dark hole with white, if you catch my drift (anus with semen). He's better written One might argue that you cannot judge the entire characterization of a protagonist based simply on a few trailers. You can't, but you can do something even better -- simply assume things, and then judge the entire plot off the basis of what you just made up.  Based off of my extensive assumptions, I've concluded that DmC: Devil May Cry is a better written game with deeper characterization than any of the other Devil May Cry titles. There's this particularly excellent scene where we find out that the new Dante has struggled for most of his adult life with acute gout, and this has been responsible for most of his unpersonable behavior. He breaks down and admits his condition in a tearful scene, just after he's rescued adult actress Penny Flame from the clutches of Vampire Billy the Kid, before that woman from Murder She Wrote wakes up and reveals it was all a dream ... or was it!? Then Penny Flame shows us all her buttered scones.  Isn't that an awesome scene I just imagined? Proves my point entirely! I mentioned the fisting bit, right? It's worth mentioning twice. Up to the shoulder, son.  Resident Evil 6 Really, after Resident Evil 6, would YOU trust Devil May Cry in Capcom's unbound hands? I wouldn't. Resident Evil 6 has been proven Official Bad, as demonstrated by the fact that some people on Metacritic said so. In fact, if you discount all the positive reviews, a damning 100% of all reviewers HATED the game and wants it go GO AWAY VERY QUICKLY FOREVER. We can't afford to just ignore those kind of diabolical statistics, guys.  Ninja Theory, meanwhile, has only ever produced successful masterpieces. If we apply the same standards we applied to Resident Evil 6, Heavenly Sword currently stands at 100% on Metacritic, as does Enslaved: Odyssey to the West. Simple probability algorithms states in plain black-and-white that Ninja Theory is a better studio than any developer managed by Capcom. Again, don't get mad at me, I'm just reading off the unbiased facts.  The stats don't lie, and nor do I -- DmC is blatantly better than any other Devil May Cry. The new Dante is the best videogame character ever, and if you disagree, you're a dogfucker.
DmC > Devil May Cry photo
Proving superiority through SCIENCE
Ninja Theory's redesign of Dante in DmC: Devil May Cry is easily one of the most controversial overhauls in gaming history. Lengthy arguments have been made, explicitly detailing why the new Dante is such a bad character, and...

How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN

Aug 17 // Jim Sterling
You get what you pay for One argument held against Xbox Live is the fact that you have to pay a subscription fee for its services. However, fools who argue this as a negative against Microsoft are but whimsical court jesters in the throne room of my mind, tittering brainlessly without realizing they are making my point for me. Yes, you pay for Xbox Live, but that's because you pay for quality. Things that we pay for are always going to be better. I don't trust something that somebody's just willing to give me. It's like sex -- am I going to go with the professional sex provider who does this for a living and expects a fair wage, or am I going to choose some amateur who's doing it for free and could literally have anything inside those pants? I will spend dollars for quality, and that's why I will only have sex that I pay for. Likewise, I will only have sex if I've been paid. It's called the economy, dumbass! Look it up in a book sometime. Paying for Xbox Live just proves it's better than the oafish PSN, which clearly has no respect for itself if it'll give us stuff without a charge. Twitter AND Facebook If you're unconvinced by my sound argument above, remember that you're not just paying to play videogames online, you tramp. Microsoft believes in value and entertainment, and that's why when you pay for Xbox Live, you also get access to unique and exclusive social networking tools like Twitbook and that website Jesse Eisenberg made. Before we had Xbox Live, we could only access these features by using our unreliable cellphones or by purchasing and installing expensive, complicated personal computers. Who in the name of Billy St. Fuck wants to go through all the effort of spending $5,000 on a computer and hooking it up to a dangerous Internet full of Trojan Worms and Spyruses? As for cellphones, they sometimes are slow and have a short battery life, which makes them terrible for sharing that hilarious news story about Ron Paul saying something racist. Then there are top-notch video services like Netflix and Amazon Video, which are unavailable anywhere else. Screw the $60 annual charge, Microsoft! For that much stuff, I wish I could give you sixty bucks twice a day. PSN got hacked PSN got hacked once. Microsoft did not. Again, probably because we pay for Xbox Live, we can trust its security and know the service is able to afford a truly secure network that none of us ever need fear. To date, there have literally been NO reports (that I've seen) of anybody being harassed, attacked, conned, or otherwise inconvenienced by another person on Xbox Live (that I personally know). This all goes back to the sex argument again. You have sex with just anybody, you will get cancer and other STIs. You pay for official sex, and you have a clean experience with seasoned pros. If you don't want cancer, don't use the PlayStation Network. It's not rocket science, you hog! Advertising If it weren't for commercials, we would never know what kind of products were available to buy. Buying products stimulates the American Money, which in turn creates jobs, which give people cash to buy the products. Microsoft stimulates the economy by putting ad banners all over the service we've paid good money for, which is great because of businesses. What's more, it's essential for Microsoft -- how else will it be able to provide great online gaming, as well as Twitter and Facebook, without revenue generated by advertising? There is no other way! Meanwhile, the selfish Sony hoards the PlayStation 3 XMB for itself, not thinking about the millions of companies in the world that need to sell their products to consumers and have no reliable means of getting the information out there. It's quite possible that Sony is trying to put every other company in the world out of business so that it's the only one left, and that's maybe what will happen if it continues to maintain radio silence on the so-called PlayStation Network. Also, you have to wonder -- without ads, how is Sony paying to keep its service running? Drugs. That's what I think. I've got none of your "evidence" to back that assumption up, but do you have a better explanation? It's definitely drugs, probably. It's more organized When you boot up your Xbox 360, what's the first thing you want? That's right, Coldplay music videos! Thanks to the efficient organization of Xbox Live, smart gamers are able to get first access to Coldplay videos, while those morons using a PS3 could spend all day looking for Coldplay videos and only find them by the time real gamers have finished watching all of the Coldplay videos. Just imagine all that Coldplay while your rivals on PSN (and they are rivals, all of them) are fumbling around like lost little lambs in an eternal nightfall of darkest black. It's not just Coldplay, of course! From television to sports to movies, everything's been organized to keep you as far away from those distracting videogames as possible. No longer will you be tempted to waste your time on stupid games, because by the time you've scrolled toward them and discovered that you can watch the latest Vin Diesel movie right now, you'll have something far more valuable on your to-do list. Also, thank fuck you can't find Xbox Live Indie Games without having to really dig for them. Those games are all terrible and the people who make them don't need any encouragement. Get Call of Duty maps first Let me tell you a little story. It's about a young boy named Michael. Michael was a fan of videogames and bought all the latest titles. His favorite game was Call of Duty, and all his friends played it as well. However, unlike his friends, Michael played Call of Duty on the PlayStation 3. At first, everything was fine. His friends played CoD on XBL, and he played CoD on PSN. They all were good friends, and talked often of their gaming experiences. Then one day, something strange happened. One of Michael's friends said, "Oh man, playing Call of Duty, the hit videogame from Activision, was great last night with the new map pack we bought." "What new map pack?" asked Michael. He had never heard of this. "The new maps for Call of Duty, the biggest game of the year and available now in all good stores. Surely you downloaded them last night! We all did. We got them from Microsoft's award-winning Xbox Live!" "No," replied Michael. "There were no maps on the PlayStation Network." "Oh my God," said his ten-year-old friend. "Oh my fucking God. Are you serious?" Michael looked horrified, realizing that he no longer could join in with his friends. The other boys glanced at each other nervously. One shifted on his feet uncomfortably. The lead boy looked Michael up and down with a sneer. "I'm sorry Michael," he said spitefully. "But you cannot be our friend anymore. It's time we pulled your clothes off and kicked you naked through the village." And strip him they did. They pushed him to the ground, all eighteen of them, and tore at his pantaloons and tunic. They ripped the woven cloth from his back until he was naked and ashamed, and they spat at him and called him names like "beast-child" and "mother's laundry." They hoist him to his feet and took turns booting him on his bare bottom. Michael stumbled away, crying and red, but still they kicked him, all through the village, and sang of how he did not download the new map pack for Call of Duty. Lo, did the villagers laugh. Old Man Burns, the blacksmith. Grandulf, the apothecary. Even mayor Pompadour had a good old chuckle and pointed at Michael while calling him a "fucking prick."  That night, Michael's father hanged himself by the neck until he was dead, leaving a note that he was "cunting ashamed" of raising "that worthless fucking worm who played Call of Duty on PSN instead of XBL like a damn human being." And that is why you play games on Xbox Live. What got that shitty underwater game once Do you remember that time Microsoft made one XBLA game totally free of charge, for no reason at all? Such a level of generosity has never been seen before or since. After searching on Google multiple times, I found out it was called Undertow. Remember that game? I can't believe Microsoft would just give us shit like that, but it's yet another reason why Xbox Live is top banana. It's American Unlike the PlayStation Network, Xbox Live is American, and as such it enjoys all the benefits that America has to offer. Xbox Live stands for freedom, a strong work ethic, democracy, God, eagles, Obama, and justice. Meanwhile, PSN is not American, and as such does not stand for freedom or any of the other things I can't be bothered to type out again. Also, it's probably racist a little bit. Let us not forget that Japan started World War II by bombing a place once and was also responsible for the physical assault of Kurt Russell, as filmed in the documentary Big Trouble in Little China. Kurt Russell, like Xbox Live, stands for the great American ideals, so an attack on him is practically an attack on The Lord's chosen nation. Japan -- and by extension Sony -- may as well rub its ass on the American flag every time it gleefully runs Big Trouble in Little China on national television, which I'll bet it does daily. Are you going to take that disrespect? Are you going to let Sony revel in the continued abuse of Kurt Russell and Xbox Live? Do you even LIKE freedom, or are you some fuckin' communist who refuses to free Pussy Riot? FREE PUSSY RIOT! BUY XBOX LIVE SUBSCRIPTIONS! PROMOTE FREEDOM! DEATH TO RACISM!
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Since medieval times, humanity has debated, argued, and sometimes even fought over the eternal question -- which company is better, Sony or Microsoft? Angry diatribes have been written and blood has been spilled, but neither ...

Diablo III is blatantly better than Torchlight II

Jun 22 // Jim Sterling
A Better Breed of Player Recently, Activision installed a new system where those buying the game digitally would be forced to enter a "review process" for up to 72 hours, during which time they can only play a restricted version of the game and interact only with other restricted players. This vetting process may have been considered controversial by some, but I consider it a wonderful new addition to the game that will weed out wrongdoers. Consider Activision your friendly neighborhood bouncer, turning away the underdressed and underfunded while allowing only the cream of society to cross the velvet rope. By making players wait in a glorified paddock for three days, the impatient and angry will also go away to play something else, meaning that potential troublemakers effectively remove themselves from the equation. This leads to a better gaming atmosphere, free from ne'er-do-wells and rich in intelligent, committed players. Compare this to Torchlight II, where basically anybody will be allowed to play. Who knows what kind of riff raff will stroll through the door while Runic sleeps at its post? Drug addicts? Coldblooded killers such as Toby Soprano from television's Dexter? Illegal immigrants? I'm sorry, but there's a reason why airports have metal detectors and a man paid to stick his hand up the anus of foreign-looking people. It's called FREEDOM FRIES, guys. Ever heard of it?  Always Online DRM (Digital Rights Merriment)  Some people would consider Diablo III's always-online DRM requirements to be a negative thing, but those people are lying to themselves just like my mother did when she looked at herself in the mirror every single morning and told herself she had to drown him. Fact of the matter is, it isn't 1933 anymore -- criminals are a very real part of society these days, and businesses need to protect themselves. It is the only way they can continue to serve you the kind of great quality products we know and love, such as Band Hero and games similar to Band Hero.  Diablo III uses the real-money auction house, a hot new feature that finally turns everybody's favorite hack n' slash RPG into an authentic eBay simulator. Just like the real eBay, Activision needs to shield itself and its consumers from fraud and cheaters. If the game allowed players to play offline, they could hack the game, duplicate items, and ruin the carefully crafted economy that players have been demanding since Battle Chess. Thanks to the always-on DRM, nobody has been able to ever cheat in Diablo III, making the auction house 100% trustworthy.  So ask yourself, how on EARTH is Torchlight II planning to protect its own real-money auction house from cheaters? Huh? Huh? I guarantee that Torchlight II's economy is going to tank just like the American one did thanks to Mitt Romney's social ectoplasmic policies. Call me a stickler for security, but I won't be using Runic's virtual eBay anytime soon! Yes, sometimes the entire game goes down for maintenance and you can't play it offline, but let me present you with this little morsel of a concept -- you can't use a toilet when a janitor is fixing it, can you? No, didn't think so. Let the janitors fix your toilets, and let Blizzard fix your Diablo III. LOGIC! General Chat When playing computer games, I like to feel that I am connected to a vast world of fellow players who are arranging keyboard symbols in such a way that they vaguely resembles penises. Sometimes games can be dark and morbid, and who doesn't like to have their mood lightened? Thanks to Diablo III, I never feel like I am alone because I have a chatroom constantly flickering in the side of the screen and distracting me from the game's super serious world of darkness. It gives me that spoonful of smiles I need to keep on clicking! This is what we in the business call "immersion." I think it's great that Activision patched it so that the chat would be forced upon players the moment they start the game. That way players would have penises and insults greeting them the moment they start their latest session, which in turn is guaranteed to make them grin and therefore have a better time. It's simple psychology, which is why Diablo III is going to have lots of happy players while Torchlight II, which makes you play with people in order to see their comedy penises, is likely going to have a high suicide rate among users.  Diablo III Does Choice Correctly  With Diablo III, you don't have to worry about allocating skill points, creating your own characters, or tailoring a play style to suit your talents. All of that has been taken care of for you, allowing you more time to actually play the game rather than slave over talent trees and menus.  It's a streamlined and elegant approach to gaming. First of all, leveling up works out all those fiddly stats for you, upgrading your character as it sees fit. Secondly, you only ever need to find loot with your character's primary stat and/or Vitality, allowing you to quickly select the right tools for the job and play eBay with the rest of it. Thirdly, the game's higher difficulty levels bottleneck you into one particular playstyle so you eventually stop wasting time experimenting with garbage. The game even hides the option to fully customize your character's abilities in a sub-menu, removing the easy temptation to do anything other than just have fun! Runic Games isn't about fun. Runic Games would rather force you to agonize over skill point allocation and make tough choices about how you want to play. It takes its overwhelmingly exhausting choices so far that you even have to choose a hair color for your character! Hair colors! Sorry, but in the real world, we're stuck with the hair color we're born with and we have to all live with it! We neither get to, nor want to, start messing around with what The Lord Jesus Christ in Heaven gave us at birth.  I hate choice. I still remember when I was asked if I wanted to terminate life support for father and I just couldn't decide whether it would be more fun to get rid of him or keep him in a state of permanent vegetation. From that day forth I vowed never to be forced to make a decision ever again, and I'll be damned if Torchlight II is the one to see me break my oath.  Oh, and in case you're wondering, I eventually opted to have the doctors turn the switch halfway and just keep it hovering there. I assume it kept him in some state of spooky undeath.  No LAN Play Why the Hell are people bitching about there being no LAN play in Diablo III? Do you know when people played games via LAN? 1963, probably! Diablo III doesn't need LAN play because it is on the cutting edge of the technological wave, surfing into tomorrow on a board made of science and wearing the Bermuda shorts of discovery. Diablo III doesn't support LAN because it doesn't need to support LAN.  What the Hell are you thinking, Torchlight II? Yeah, sure, yeah, let's all play Torchlight II locally like a couple of geekatrons from the History Channel. While we're at it, why not play on our zoetropes and spin a hula hoop across the street with a fucking stick? Oh hey, Runic Games, do you guys need your pills and your wheelchairs, you bunch of stupid granddads?  Face facts, readers. Nobody plays LAN anymore. No games have supported LAN since about 1992. Torchlight II is a crusty old fart compared to the sleek and polished Diablo III, which uses real Internet like a real game.  Torchlight II Has Too Many Colors  Seriously, have you seen screenshots of Torchlight II? It's like the Teletubbies shat all over a box of Candy Corn and shoved it up a Care Bear's ass. In any given screenshot I've counted no less than twenty-nine colors, which is about seven colors too many for a game like this. Compare it to the refined color scheme of Diablo III, as grim and dark as it has always been, with no complaints ever had about its art style. The difference is clear.  Let's get this straight -- videogames should never look like cartoons, unless they're the Skeleton Warriors game for Sony PlayStation which was, admittedly, based on a cartoon. Outside of that one exception, however, I want my games looking serious, gothic, and as close to colorless as you can get without being a 1920s public safety announcement. At times, Diablo III is so dark that it sucks all the natural sunlight out of my room and plunges the entire street into perpetual night. Going from that to the Lucky Charms horseshit that is Torchlight II makes me vomit blood. Black blood. Because I'm a real hardcore gamer.  Ultimately, only real hardcore gamers play Diablo III, vetted as they are, dedicated as they will be, and grateful as they remain. Torchlight II, with its childish visuals, dated mechanics, impregnable interface and frankly shameless willingness to let anybody play the game is due to fail. Hard and fast. If you're some sort of idiotic chicken-baby, then perhaps you might have fun playing that ridiculous nonsense, but us mature adults who actually want to play the straight dope will stick with Diablo III, thanks!  It is just blatantly better, and you don't even know.
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Diablo III launched a few scant months ago, but its PR snafus and controversial business decisions have soured a fair few players. Meanwhile, Runic Games has sat back and capitalized, as jilted dungeon crawlers look toward To...

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Deadly Premonition is blatantly better than Heavy Rain


Feb 28
// Jim Sterling
Yesterday we reviewed Deadly Premonition and gave it a score of 10. This comes just weeks after we reviewed Heavy Rain and gave it a score of 7. Obviously, this means one thing. We love the Xbox 360 and want to have sex with ...
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How Aliens are blatantly better than Predators


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Aliens vs. Predator is out next week, and while opinions are divided as to whether or not the game will be any good, there is one universal truth that cannot be denied -- Aliens are blatantly better than Predators. This is an...
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How Darksiders is blatantly better than Zelda


Jan 17
// Jim Sterling
Darksiders is considered by many to be a great game, albeit one that suffers from an intense case of plagiarism. Comparisons to the The Legend of Zelda run amok, with even the game's developer, Vigil, happily confessing to bo...
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FFXIII Xbox 360 will be blatantly better than FFXIII PS3


Dec 06
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At E3 2008, Square Enix shocked the world by claiming that, for the first time, a major Final Fantasy installment would be coming to the Xbox 360. Previously a PS3 exclusive, Final Fantasy XIII was the jewel in the crown of t...
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How Bayonetta is blatantly hotter than your girlfriend


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Any man with a sane penis will acknowledge that Bayonetta, star of Platinum Games' Bayonetta, is the hottest female to have ever been invented. From the sexy giraffe legs to those prim-yet-sultry librarian specs, Bayonetta is...
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Why the PSP is blatantly better than the DS


Sep 13
// Jim Sterling
It's an established fact that if you like one thing, you must hate everything else. You cannot enjoy two of any similar item in this world, which is why bisexuality has been scientifically proven not to exist. With this in mi...
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How Fat Princess is blatantly better than Feminism


Aug 03
// Jim Sterling
Titan Studios' Fat Princess was released this week and, server issues aside, it's great fun. Stuffing princesses full of cake and utilizing the game's varied and fun classes makes for an incredible fun online experience. Howe...
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How Pokemon Red is blatantly better than Pokemon Blue


Jul 05
// Jim Sterling
Pokémon Red is blatantly better than Pokémon Blue and if you disagree with me you are a spastic. Some of you may feel that one can't successfully draw discrepancies between two games that are essentially the sam...
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How Prototype is blatantly better than inFAMOUS


Jun 14
// Jim Sterling
Two games have recently been released that bear several striking similarities. Both of these games are open-world sandbox titles featuring superpowered antiheroes who begin to realize a host of awesome abilities with which to...
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How Killzone 2 is blatantly better than Halo 3


Mar 02
// Jim Sterling
Killzone 2 launched exclusively for the PlayStation 3 this Friday, generating much bias from biased people who are biased. It also sold quite a few copies and has been setting the PlayStation Network afire with grenade spam a...

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