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Friday Night Fights - Happer Nooo Yur!

Game with a hungover Community!
Jan 01
// Mike Martin
Dear lord it's bright. Worked till 6am, drank till 8 and back up at 12pm. Choices. Ugh. It's almost 1pm and I need to go back to work. At least it's Friday and it's a short, 4hr shift. It's the little things. Now excuse me, there's ham on my cat, and vomit in my shoe. I think I drew dicks on myself too... God, I'm an asshole.

Destructoid's award for Overall Best Game of 2015 goes to...

Dec 23 // Niero Desu
Speaking of cereal business: The accidental legacy of the cock-branded corn flakes goes back to the late 19th century, when a team of Seventh-day Adventists began to develop new food to adhere to the vegetarian diet recommended by the church. In 1894, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, the superintendent of The Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan and an Adventist, used these recipes as part of a strict vegetarian regimen for his patients, which also included no alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine. The diet he imposed consisted entirely of bland foods. A follower of Sylvester Graham, the inventor of graham crackers and graham bread, Kellogg believed that spicy or sweet foods would "increase passions." Pictured: Mergo's Wet Nurse This idea for corn flakes began by accident when Kellogg and his younger brother, Will Keith Kellogg, left some cooked wheat to sit while they attended to some pressing matters at the sanitarium. When they returned, they found that the wheat had gone stale, but being on a strict budget, they decided to continue to process it by forcing it through rollers, hoping to obtain long sheets of the dough. To their surprise, what they found instead were flakes, which they toasted and served to the insane, who loved it.  In 1906, Will Keith Kellogg, who served as the business manager of the sanitarium, decided to try to mass-market the new food. At his new company, Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company, Will added sugar to the flakes to make them more palatable to a mass audience, but this caused a rift between his brother and him. John thought the sugary version of corn flakes would get people laid. Heaven forbid: sex leads to babies, who are born bloody and can go on to produce murderous vicars and martyrs at sixty frames a second. Gross. Photo Credit: Blame Canada In 1907, his same company ran an ad campaign which offered a free box of cereal to any woman who winked at her grocer. To increase sales, in 1909, he added a special offer, the Funny Jungleland Moving Pictures Booklet. You probably had no idea how much the church, insane people, and masturbation have affected what many of you put into your mouths every morning. Luckily, moving pictures have evolved since. Congratulations, Miss Colombia, you're our game of the year. No seriously, she won. Fuck it, I own Destructoid, the Niero does what he wants. Duuude, have you seen that T-Shirt that has the old American food pyramid, but instead it says "I do what I want"? That's hilarious. Also, congratulations to Bloodborne and everyone at Sony and From Software. Sick game. [GOTY artwork design by Raul Cordoba. Miss Colombia photo credit: El Heraldo Colombia] Also, a huge thanks to the game's lead programmer, Jun Ito, who rarely gets his name mentioned by the Western press. I don't know anything about this person or the countless others that also contributed, but Ito-san is surely like many of hard-working developers in the industry who sacrificed countless nights of restful sleep. Taihen arigatou gozaimashita.
GOTY 2015 photo
Jun Ito
The downfall of Japanese game development has been greatly exaggerated. It sort of reminds me of what happened a century ago, when Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg's Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce masturbation. Kello...

Friday Night Fights photo
Friday Night Fights

Friday Night Fights - Ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges

Change with the Dtoid community
Nov 13
// Mike Martin
Well isn't this Hunky Dory? A nice little Friday. We have a new Call of Duty to play together. We have a new Fallout to play with ourselves (HA! HA!). We have herpes. Wait, that's just me. My bad. "So shut up and tell us what...
Gamers love danger photo
Gamers love danger

Marathon gamers are 25% more likely to consider sleeping with a serial killer

Says online dating site OKCupid
Oct 29
// Jed Whitaker
Do you ever find yourself playing video games for more than eight hours straight? If you answered yes, would you consider sleeping with -- or fucking -- a serial killer? According to OKCupid, 25 percent of you are likely to a...

Madden tricks photo
Madden tricks

Madden 16 screenshots lie about Marshawn Lynch dick-grabbing mechanic

I'm just here so I don't get fined
Jul 23
// Steven Hansen
Madden 16 used the above photo for Marshawn Lynch in its running backs player rating reveal. He is, naturally, number one at 96 overall. He cannot, however, grab his dick in defiance, as he is wont to do in real life. Seriously, watch this.
Dick slip photo
Dick slip

Miiverse moderation can't catch ALL the dicks

NSFW dick slip
Jul 23
// Steven Hansen
Sometimes they just slip through the cracks.
Rustic photo

Rust soft launches female avatars, 'you never had a choice'

Admins first, then organic dispersal
Jul 17
// Steven Hansen
Back when I was telling you about how Rust automatically generates penis size based on Steam ID, a footnote to that article was that female player models were on their way to the survival sandbox, too. Well, this momentous ad...
Rustic photo

Rustic: Rust generates avatar cock size by Steam ID

Jun 23
// Steven Hansen
Haha, rustic. I think it's time for Jordan to take another Rust adventure. The open world survival sim is fascinating. It recently made headlines when players flipped out after it randomly assigned face and skin tone to users...
Don't get cocky photo
Don't get cocky

Expensive dick moderation helped kill the last LEGO MMO

Minecraft competitor? Don't get cocky
Jun 03
// Steven Hansen
Someone think about the children! Like my own personal brand, LEGO is a family-friendly, name-stealing company. And so the open-ended, Minecraft-like builder LEGO Worlds has some problem what with immature idiots' propensity ...

Friday Night Fights - Get Over Here!

Game with the Dtoid Community!
May 22
// Mike Martin
Guys, I have a problem. I'm thirsty as hell. Not for some sweet meat slapping, but for blood. Your blood. Someone needs to hit me up on Xbox or PC for some Mortal Kombat X action. I have 9 Komplete on PC as well. LET'S DO THI...

Friday Night Fights - Goodbye Sweet Prince

Game with the Dtoid Community!
Apr 10
// Mike Martin
I don't even have it in my heart to 'shop your face into those penguin eyes. Our fearless Boner Knight: Andy Dixon is leaving us as Community Manager. From the first time I was an asshole to you Andy, to the last time I was a...
Mario Kart dicks photo
Mario Kart dicks

Who put all these dicks in Mario Kart?

Promoted from our Community Blogs!
Jan 26
// Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon
[Where will Dtoid community blogger Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon find dicks next?? --Mr Andy Dixon] You know, if there's one important observation I've noticed throughout the years, it's that if you look hard enough, like really...
Sporting YP photo
Sporting YP

YouPorn is sponsoring an eSports team

More like spornsporning an eSporn team
Dec 04
// Steven Hansen
YouPorn, which a cursory Google search tells me is a streaming adult video webpage, has announced its sponsorship of a Spanish eSports team (Hearthstone, League of Legends). Play2Win will now be known as Team YP, which s...
Xbox porn photo
Xbox porn

Hardcore pornography CONFIRMED for Next Xbox

May 16
// Jim Sterling
SugarDVD, purveyor of such fine films as What An Asshole and Hairy Asian Schoolgirls Masturbate, has confirmed it'll be bringing its adult entertainment streaming services to Microsoft's next-generation Xbox.  The servic...
Promoted cock blog photo
Promoted cock blog

Promoted blog: Gaming's greatest cocks

A collection of the best and biggest cocks in the industry -- minus EA
Mar 18
// Handy
[Destructoid turned seven this past Saturday, and all month long Dtoiders have been reminiscing about their time with the site over in our Community Blogs. Here's Handy's little dandy. Show us yours! --Mr Andy Dixon] We have ...
Etrian Odyssey IV photo
Etrian Odyssey IV

Etrian Odyssey IV will get you stiff

"Long and hard" indeed
Feb 27
// Tony Ponce
Dale North's review is taking forever because he keeps getting distracted by sh*t like this. [Swagtoise's Tumblr via Tiny Cartridge]
HAWP photo

HAWP: Oh Ash, your diplomacy is so thick and hard

Jan 11
// Tony Ponce
This is... well... umm... you know what? I'm not even going to explain it. The latest Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? is brilliance, plain and simple. Go watch it and have a good laugh or two. Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? - Civilization V [GameTrailers]

Goodbye, Destructoid

Nov 10
// Chad Concelmo
As some of you may or may not have heard, this is officially my last day with Destructoid. Man ... I can barely type that without getting upset. I am starting a new job next week at GolinHarris as a writer for Nintendo. It is...

The DTOID Show: Assassin's Creed DLC, Star Wars, & Porno

Plus: Pac-Man locked in a dark room with nothing but pills and his personal demons
Oct 03
// Max Scoville
On today's completely professional, mature, and otherwise not stupid or embarrassing Destructoid Show, we discuss some very serious topics. First, a season pass is announced for Assassin's Creed III, and the first DLC will b...

YouPorn 'now on' Xbox, welcomes 'Xbox Masturbators'

Porn site cheekily claims it's coming to Xbox Live
Oct 02
// Jim Sterling
Sometimes this job is boring, and sometimes YouPorn sends Destructoid a press release, excitedly telling us that its streaming sex video services is coming to Xbox Live. Of course, what it actually means is that, with Interne...

Destructoid Community Meetup Photos!

Aug 10
// Niero Desu
Yeah we're a web site, but we are also a collective of fleshy sacks of meat and blood that play video games together and drink sometimes!  In an effort to centralize our random adventures and always have a place to show ...

Swordfight will get your joystick hard

Apr 29
// Tony Ponce
I stand corrected. This is the weirdest story of the weekend! If you read Joseph Leray's "Nordic New Wave" feature from the other week, you ought to be familiar with Johann Sebastian Joust, a game using accelerometer-powered ...

Namco Bandai pulls penis-flavored SoulCalibur V ad

Jan 09
// Jim Sterling
[Update: So apparently it is not real. Stupid sexy Voldo!] Namco Bandai recently pulled an advert for SoulCalibur V after fans complained that it was too offensive. No, it wasn't the magazine page featuring ginormous breasts....

The DTOID Show: Our Top Gaming Moments Of 2011!

Dec 25
// Max Scoville
Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm gonna keep this short because idiot thought it was a good idea to put a small tree in my house and then leave a bunch of presents sitting under it, so I need to go get rid of that crap before a...

Review: Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat

Nov 05 // Jim Sterling
Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat Manufacturer: Volition Inc.Publisher: THQReleased: TBD MSRP: $624.99 Whether your trusty old baseball bat is ready for retirement or your tired and clammy dildo needs replacing, Volition Inc. has you covered with the Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat. Built with durability and long-term use in mind, you'll be laughing at the savings whether you're smashing balls in the park with your son or smashing your vagina to pieces while watching The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1! Thanks to the smooth ergonomic design and carefully regulated coating of Polymer Rubber Substitute, the Saints Row Dildo Bat provides a level of comfort and flexibility hitherto unseen in any other baseball bat/artificial penis. I was impressed by just how good this feels to use. It's been intuitively designed so that even a novice can get to grips with it in seconds, featuring a very simple handle-based interface that should be familiar to most users.  The handle itself has a particularly satisfying level of friction and comfort, thanks to the Scientific Flexi-Wrap applied to a rigid base of luxury wood. The contours improve grip ratio while the tactile-oriented neo matte finish keeps even the sweatiest of palms from slipping.  Having a good handle on any baseball dick is paramount, as experts in the field will tell you 67% of the time. Unfortunately, most manufacturers focus only on the glamour portions of their devices and neglect this mundane-yet-crucial part of the experience. Volition went the extra mile on its piece and deserves applause in an industry that's far too quick to stampede toward the penis without taking care of the fundamentals. Make no mistake, however -- Volition has not skimped on the detail. Putting its legendary creative sensibilities to fantastic use with an artisan level of design. The testicles feature hand-crafted creases to create that "just-like-real-sac" feeling that consumers have come to demand over the years, with a central groove to neatly define each individual bollock. These medically accurate representations of authentic gonads will delight even the most discerning of fans, making this a perfect gift for those who believe that the devil is in the details.  The elegant detailing continues up through the device's premium shaft, featuring a prominent central vein that many fans will recognize from seeing pictures of actual penises in their day-to-day lives. The entire package is complimented by a sleek and aerodynamic glans situated at the distal end of the corpora cavernosa. While it is unfortunate that a complimentary meatus has been excluded from the final product, the Dildo Bat nonetheless features a beautifully designed crown, shaped to please and providing a significant amount of heft in the finished article, so you can really hit those home runs! All told, it's given me a great amount of pleasure to be able to review the Dildo Bat for you. However, there are of course a few negative aspects that must be addressed. Firstly, the smell -- it stinks like Laffy Taffy. While this won't be a problem for customers exclusively utilizing the item as a sporting implement, those who wish to make full use of its features may feel put off by the overwhelming aroma of goof-themed boiled sugar in something they intend to place within one of several personal openings.  The color is also a boner of contention. While I personally appreciate the purple tone, one does occasionally think of Grimace's throbbing plonker while studying it for too long. I don't need to tell you that overt sexual thoughts concerning a McDonald's villain-turned-mascot have been a bit of a controversial issue in North America -- especially lately -- and this could be a huge dealbreaker for some users.  Despite these setbacks, the Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat is still one of the most flexible and worthwhile investments a family could make. Thanks to its versatile application at work and home, the Dildo Bat is a brilliant investment that finally puts an end to the need to replace ordinary baseball bats and sex toys -- often considered one of the greatest causes of financial strain in the West.  In short, this is a highly recommended piece, and one that you should definitely pass up on. It should be available in Walmart, Target and Toys R Us in the near future, so keep a look out!

While we're all waiting for that hotly anticipated Saints Row: The Third review, it's easy to forget that Volition Inc. has something else coming to market -- the official Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat.  Fortu...


Fruit Ninja Kinect unleashes my ninja penis

Oct 29
// Niero Desu
I refused to rearrange my living room to play Fruit Ninja in my girlfriend's tiny San Francisco flat, so after a few failed attempts at calibration I just jumped behind the sofa, causing my body to turn into a floating severed torso.  The result glitch in my Kinect setup causes another limb to come to life. How's that for enhanced male performance?

When eroges get motion controls

Oct 05
// Subenu
According to Maniac, the Japanese developer Tech Arts is working on a title called 3D Custom Girl, which will be released at the end of October. The women present in the game cover pretty much every single Anime cliché...

Skyrim demo sends woman into labor

Aug 06
// Victoria Medina
[Update: Chaz and Stevi joined us in the Outer Heaven chat last night (Chaz has been following Destructoid for years) and we got the chance to talk with the soon-to-be parents. Because of the pregnancy, the wedding (planned f...


Apr 15
// Jim Sterling
Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D will feature Cthulhu's penis as a regular enemy. 

As some of you know, I love to write features on this site. It’s kind of my favorite thing ever, outside of dolphins ... or Showgirls ... or punching old ladies in the face. Well, you get the point. I love writing featu...

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