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Spanish for Everyone: This game was written by crackheads

3:03 AM on 11.07.2007 // Hamza CTZ Aziz

At first, Spanish for Everyone looks like a beneficial game everyone in the family would love. That's what I thought of anyway when GameBrink sent in the above video. Instead, what I ended up watching is just sort of insane. The plot starts off with Shawn playing his Nintendo DS when Miguel, a seemingly random kid, comes up to Shawn and asks if he can play with his DS. As soon as Miguel starts to play, Miguel's father rolls up in a limo (that has the engine of a race car from the sounds of it) and tells Miguel to get in. In Miguel's hast, he forgets to give Shawn his DS back. Before Shawn can get it back, the car speeds off with two cop cars chasing the limo. Yes, I'm dead serious.
If that's not enough, his auntie comes up shortly after and offers to take Shawn across the boarder. First off, the two seemingly barely know each other as shown by the dialog exchange. What's worse is that the auntie takes the kid across the boarder to Mexico (where she just assumes Miguel and his father go to) without asking Shawn's parent's permission. AND SHE'S DRIVING IN THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CAR! MEXICO ISN'T CONNECTED RIGHT NEXT TO ENGLAND!
I did some digging around and found that this game actually came out last month on the 29th. Activision released the game, but there's not a single word about it on Activision's site. I did at least find two more videos that were uploaded today on YouTube, which you can check out after the jump. Oh, and they're way worse then the intro video.
In the second video, the auntie abandons the kid to go on his own. Before the boy can finish protesting his abandonment, his auntie tells the kid to get into the back of a truck that has a bull with giant horns in it. The bull, unsurprisingly talks and helps Shawn out by teaching him more Spanish. Of course, the game is nucking futs and as you find out in the next video, the bull thinks it's prophet (from the Gods ... you know, like Jesus).
Now you're in a ghost town and some guy named Tio is standing next to his Jeep and calls Shawn over. Everything about Tio screams pedophile but Shawn lets Tio take him for a ride anyway. We also learn that Miguel's father is the only man that can afford a limousine in the entire town. The rest of the dialog really goes down the shitter from here and really hurts my head just thinking about making sense of any of this. All in all, this game looks like absolute crap especially for it's $30 price point.
OK, I think all these videos thought me some Spanish though. Here, let me try:

Me gusta comer manzanas de la selva tropical de unicornios y leones de vuelo. Ellos popa peras y fertilizar las tierras con árboles sol. Tengo un dibujo de Neon Genesis Evangelion ganar la lotería cuando estaba viendo un gato fijar un disco duro. Leí una bañera una luna tiempo historia de cómo las vacas dan a luz a los erizos que pueden ver los detalles en la tierra con su líquido espinal.

God, I hope I said "I want to give you all lots of money and robot sex dolls" and not something like "I hope a robot sea horse will rip off your head and shit down your neck if you don't pay tribute to pineapples." or something bad like that.  

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