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At first, Spanish for Everyone looks like a beneficial game everyone in the family would love. That's what I thought of anyway when GameBrink sent in the above video. Instead, what I ended up watching is just sort of insane. The plot starts off with Shawn playing his Nintendo DS when Miguel, a seemingly random kid, comes up to Shawn and asks if he can play with his DS. As soon as Miguel starts to play, Miguel's father rolls up in a limo (that has the engine of a race car from the sounds of it) and tells Miguel to get in. In Miguel's hast, he forgets to give Shawn his DS back. Before Shawn can get it back, the car speeds off with two cop cars chasing the limo. Yes, I'm dead serious.
 
If that's not enough, his auntie comes up shortly after and offers to take Shawn across the boarder. First off, the two seemingly barely know each other as shown by the dialog exchange. What's worse is that the auntie takes the kid across the boarder to Mexico (where she just assumes Miguel and his father go to) without asking Shawn's parent's permission. AND SHE'S DRIVING IN THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CAR! MEXICO ISN'T CONNECTED RIGHT NEXT TO ENGLAND!
 
I did some digging around and found that this game actually came out last month on the 29th. Activision released the game, but there's not a single word about it on Activision's site. I did at least find two more videos that were uploaded today on YouTube, which you can check out after the jump. Oh, and they're way worse then the intro video.
In the second video, the auntie abandons the kid to go on his own. Before the boy can finish protesting his abandonment, his auntie tells the kid to get into the back of a truck that has a bull with giant horns in it. The bull, unsurprisingly talks and helps Shawn out by teaching him more Spanish. Of course, the game is nucking futs and as you find out in the next video, the bull thinks it's prophet (from the Gods ... you know, like Jesus).
Now you're in a ghost town and some guy named Tio is standing next to his Jeep and calls Shawn over. Everything about Tio screams pedophile but Shawn lets Tio take him for a ride anyway. We also learn that Miguel's father is the only man that can afford a limousine in the entire town. The rest of the dialog really goes down the shitter from here and really hurts my head just thinking about making sense of any of this. All in all, this game looks like absolute crap especially for it's $30 price point.
OK, I think all these videos thought me some Spanish though. Here, let me try:

Me gusta comer manzanas de la selva tropical de unicornios y leones de vuelo. Ellos popa peras y fertilizar las tierras con árboles sol. Tengo un dibujo de Neon Genesis Evangelion ganar la lotería cuando estaba viendo un gato fijar un disco duro. Leí una bañera una luna tiempo historia de cómo las vacas dan a luz a los erizos que pueden ver los detalles en la tierra con su líquido espinal.

God, I hope I said "I want to give you all lots of money and robot sex dolls" and not something like "I hope a robot sea horse will rip off your head and shit down your neck if you don't pay tribute to pineapples." or something bad like that.  


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41 comments | showing # 1 to 41

Hamza CTZ Aziz's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:00
Hamza CTZ Aziz
In before "Mexicans can't work their stolen DS" jokes!
Twiggy's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:07
Twiggy
"They don't call me Gina Vasquez for nothing!"

"Certainly I can teach you the language that will thwart evil!"

"Jeeps are cool!"

Truly whoever wrote this is a scribe with a finger on the pulse of our times.
topgeargorilla's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:07
topgeargorilla
I found out I can get absinthe from Ensenada, but I can't get it in Paris.

And the stuff is effing expensive in Mexico too. :(
Tristero's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:10
Tristero
"I can teach you many things and Spanish is definitely one of them." Hmmm . . . point to the doll and show us where Auntie Gina touched you.
Tristero's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:12
Tristero
Oh, and CTZ, your Spanish is hilarious. Did you get that from somewhere? I love the obscure LOLcat reference.
topgeargorilla's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:14
topgeargorilla
god, this game is so passively racist, it makes me puke.
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:26
BahamutZero
nobody told CTZ about the Trans-English-Mexican tunnel? where do you think sterling developed his taste for tacos?
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:28
BahamutZero
...


<^>
p_0


sterling sombrero
Skylance's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:31
Skylance
Toward the game: *sigh*

Toward Hamza: It's 'border', not 'boarder'. Sorry :) We all have our little compulsions.
The Johnggernaut's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:37
The Johnggernaut
"I can teach you 'many things'... Fucking pedos...
glipe's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:38
glipe
"They don't call me Gina Vasquez for nothing!"

No, they call you that because IT'S YOUR FRICKIN' NAME!! MORON!!!

If she'd said "They don't call me Gina THE SPANISH LANGUAGE TUTOR for nothing!" at least it would have made sense. Possibly, to facilitate the teaching process, they should figure out English before graduating to Spanish?
AngelsDontBurn's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 03:39
AngelsDontBurn
IT'S ME! This game has brilliant text.
veXed's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 04:04
veXed
L M F A O !!!!!

I love how she offers to take him as far as Tijuana. I would DEFINATELY drop my nephew off at the most dangerous border town in mexico, without any knowledge of spanish. LOL
cjpkiller's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 04:09
cjpkiller
...
uhm...
a teaching game having a plot... well I think I'll stick with where in the world is carmen san diago?: shes in mexico edition
cjpkiller's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 04:10
cjpkiller
sorry its 4 am...
carmen sandiego
Bas's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 05:17
Bas
Fucking aweswome. I'm downloading the ROM so I can learn some Spanish. I'm dead fucking serious. Really. Thanks Hamza!
Yooree's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 05:29
Yooree
For all we know, miguel and his dad are dead due to a shootout between them and border police.
brad drac's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 05:32
brad drac
Damn, that game has the best dialogue since grim fandango. Five stars!
KamikazeTutor's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 06:53
KamikazeTutor
OH MY GOD!

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPEN?!

WHERE AM I?!

WHO AM I?!
Pedro Blandino's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 07:35
Pedro Blandino
this looks/ sounds like an old 3DO game.... i miss putt putt
Justin Villasenor's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 08:10
Justin Villasenor
That dialogue was so awesomely terrible but that background music was just terrible. Still, I might have to R4 this just to try it out.
Nubc4kes's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 08:12
Nubc4kes
I had to prevent myself from repeatedly bashing my head against my keyboard while I watched the first video.
ghettosmurf's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 08:17
ghettosmurf
dude this game is super sweet, you can't beat this for laughs
Silverback 55's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 08:33
Silverback 55
This might be the best thing I see all day.
The Johnggernaut's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 08:36
The Johnggernaut
If her name was Vagina Vaquez instead of just plain old Gina, I'd go buy this game right now!
urbanyeti's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 08:48
urbanyeti
"Your next adventure waits for you in the back of that truck!"

YAY! Bestiality for Everyone!

"Ay, Dios Mio! El toro es muy grande..."
twentythoughts's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 09:32
twentythoughts
For all the fuss about learning Spanish, the kid doesn't have to use a word of it on his journey. Everyone he encounters speaks English, even the bull! And what have we learned today, kids? Thaaaat's right! Spanish is useless!
MechaMonkey's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 09:37
MechaMonkey
The writing's good, but how's the gameplay?
itemforty's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 09:42
itemforty
This is, so far, the worst thing I've ever seen. I like how Miguel has his hands on the DS before asking for it.
Mexico is a european country, guys.
Rpg_Worshiper's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 10:00
Rpg_Worshiper
That Gina Vasquez is hawt. There I said it (you know you were thinking it).
king3vbo's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 10:44
king3vbo
The racism drips off of this game
amalgamut00's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 11:32
amalgamut00
Can you buy tacos in the game?
MissHinasaki's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 11:49
MissHinasaki
Your tutelage is certainly full of...twists!

XD You cannot convince me that the writers were not trying to give everything a double meaning.
Knives's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 12:22
Knives
Fact: Tijuana doesn't have cactus!
Aunt Gina= Whore
Tio Juan= Drug dealer

@topgeargorilla
Do you look american/tourist like? They'll usually charge you more if they can because they know you have money.

@CTZ
Wouldn't it be awesome if that's how the game ended? Shawn finally finds Miguel and he's all "Oh aqui tienes, I didn't even play it, estupido me couldn't turn it on"

Lulz @ Sterling Sombrero edition
Jetsetlemming's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 13:13
Jetsetlemming
I fucking lol'd. Me gusto! Me gusto!
Dexter345's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 14:20
Dexter345
Holy crap, in that first video, I was thinking to myself, "Don't give your DS to that Mexican, he's going to steal it!" But that's just because I'm a terrible person. BUT THEN HE DID STEAL IT. Now I don't feel so bad.
MissHinasaki's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 14:41
MissHinasaki
Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think that this is all just a hoax. There's no way that this could be a real game...
tjpoweryouloveit's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 23:26
tjpoweryouloveit
Auntie Gina is a new character in Brawl, the site was just updated.
tjpoweryouloveit's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 23:28
tjpoweryouloveit
Oh yeah, the Bull is a support character too.
Twiggy's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/07/2007 23:54
Twiggy
Totally not a hoax. I wanted to believe it too, but no, it exists.
Gamechamp's Avatar - Comment posted on 11/08/2007 00:30
Gamechamp
Tio means uncle. "Tio Juan" is actually Uncle Juan.
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