Something About Sex: If You Build It, They Will Make A Nude Mod

5:00 PM on 03.09.2010   |   topcatyo

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Sex is a prevalent part of videogames, like it or not. Developers seem to have a firm grip (like ... ah, too obvious) on the concept of "Sex sells" and have been packing it into every line of code or polygon they can. Every new batch of screenshots that comes out usually has a shot or two of a big-breasted woman or two or seven. Jiggle physics exist for the sole purpose of videogame Web sites mentioning that they exist when talking about the game. It's like viral marketing, except this virus gives you a boner.

Let me tell ya, sexiness in videogames could not get any better, I'm sure (I personally wouldn't know because, quite frankly, I prefer my woman to actually exist). You've got large breasts, a female lead, as well as secondary characters, who are pretty much bound by destiny to get it on with you. What's not for a lonely nerd with no self-esteem to like?

Oh, there is the fact that the characters are wearing clothes. Isn't that a shame.

WELL, WE CAN'T HAVE THAT NOW, CAN WE? 

There's a simple mathematical explanation for why Nude Mod's exist for videogames. The formula is:
Woman + Clothes = No Thanks

Developers gauge the success of their game on whether or not a nude mod has been made for it. For instance, Valve can rest assured knowing that they have made a very, very good game, as there are about as many nude mods for Alyx Vance as there are regular mods for the game.

Now, it may occur to someone "Why do I want to see a nude girl with bad hair talk about theoretical physics and how much she really likes that robot she made?" Well that's another, completely different topic covered in my other Monthly Musing, 33 Reasons Why Gordon Freeman Should Have Sex With Alyx Vance. However, the real reason nude mods are made for Alyx Vance as well as pretty much every other character in Half-Life 2 rests on the existence of another mod: Garry's Mod.

In case you haven't heard of it, which I won't make a sarcastic remark about because it's actually somewhat possible, Garry's Mod is a mod by a guy named Garry that lets you pose the characters of Half-Life 2. It also lets you pose props in the game, and even goes as far as to let you manipulate their faces and hands. If you haven't figured out why people would want Alyx Vance naked for this, then I wish I had your naivety. I really do.



But, really, nude mods have never really affected the games they've been made for in any real way, they can't be all that bad, right? Well, first, you should stop jumping to conclusions, dammit. You know nothing.

On May 3rd, 2006, Bethesda Softworks' Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion was given a fresh new rating of "Mature", from their previous rating of "Teen" after someone released a third-party mod for the game that apparently unlocked certain game files that let you see women in the game topless. Since this was after the infamous "Hot Coffee" scandal with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (this time I'm not telling you what it is, you're on the Internet, go Google it), ESRB wanted to give things a look.

When ESRB did give Oblivion a second look, things went tits up (har har). Not only did they find boobs, they also apparently found more violent content in the game than was disclosed in the video originally sent to ESRB for rating. Apparently the hanging bodies they originally saw were really dark and far away or something like that.

Nowadays, we don't even need to download anything to see female characters nude. In the short three months of 2010 alone, glitches in No More Heroes 2 and Heavy Rain have been discovered. Now, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I'm pretty sure these were unintended. The conspiracy is that people still got boners.

A half a decade ago I would have never predicted that we would have nude mods for games. I also would have never been able to predict that nude mods would be made outdated by their own games. Probably because half-decade-ago me wasn't even able to predict the existence of nude mods. Also because it's surprising.

In the end, even if sex is not used to sell a game, just in the act of putting a woman in a game developers are using sex to sell by proxy, because someone who bought that game bought that game to make a nude mod for that character. So, whether the developers intended it or not, that plucky female lead is showing some skin. Isn't technology grand?

_{This promoted blog was written for our March Monthly Musing assignment, "Write something about sex." You too could get promoted if you write something about sex in videogames over on the Community Blogs.}