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Six ways in which Pokemon really bothers me
by Jim Sterling on 06.24.2008 73 comments

Six ways in which Pokemon really bothers me screenshot

Believe it or not, I really like Pokémon. I've been a big fan of the series since I was a child, but even though my interest in the series diminished as I got older, I still find myself dipping back into the monster-catching stupidity now and then. I recently picked up Pokémon Pearl for my DS Lite, and have already lost hours upon hours doing the exact same things I did in Pokémon Red almost ten years ago, yet still loving every shameful, childish second of it.

But not all is glory and sunshine in Pokémon Land. Despite its enduring quality and innocent fun, there are certain parts of the Pokémon franchise that just bother me, digging under the skin like some sort of vile tick. If I am honest, Pokémon confuses and frightens me in a way that only a game that ostensibly glorifies cockfighting can. Here are six ways in which Pokémon really bothers me.

1. Pokémon makes children believe free healthcare works:

In America, there is a widespread belief that free healthcare is a wondrous and desirable thing, something that America needs in order to become a civilized example of humanity in the world -- this is WRONG, and games like Pokémon only make that flawed thinking worse.

Speaking as a Brit, I can confirm that our National Health Service is so bad, it's actually considered crueler to treat the cancer rather than just let nature take its course. British hospitals will make you sicker coming out than when you went in. It's understaffed and underpaid, and the waiting lists are astronomical -- if you're on the NHS, expect to be dead before a doctor will consider your case serious enough to see you straight away.

Not so in Pokémon Land -- if your Pokémon are even slightly bruised, you can just take them to a Pokémon Center and have their ailments quickly and efficiently cured in a matter of seconds, completely free of charge. Pokémon Centers are an idealist's view of the NHS, one that is sadly unattainable in real life. Free healthcare is a great idea, and I'm no fan of the other extreme either, don't get me wrong -- but Pokémon is damaging us all by pretending that the NHS is just that good. If it were accurate, you'd have to wait a year between battles before your team is fully recovered, and even then, one or two of the buggers will have contracted SARS. 

2. The whole world revolves around Pokémon:

Now, I get that the game is about Pokémon and all that, but does everyone -- everyone in the entire game world -- have to care that much about the little bastards? I get it, Pokémon are cool and funky and have beaks sometimes, but does every single bookshelf in the world have to be "full of books about different types of Pokémon?" Does every show on TV have to involve them in some way? Does every person in every town need to have something utterly profound to say about what their fucking Magikarp likes to eat for breakfast?

For a place full of penguins that can say their own name, the world of Pokémon must be, in actual fact, the most boring place on Earth. There are no TV shows about anything else, no books that broach any other subject. It seems that hobbies and interests concerning things that aren't related to Pokémon in some arbitrary way have been banned by the government. It's George Orwell's 1984 all over again, except now revolving around turtles with trees on their backs.

It makes me cringe. Every time I approach some new character, I naïvely anticipate him surprising me with a frank discussion about Ayn Rand's views on sexuality, or to show me his collection of rare Velvet Underground LPs, but no ... no, he's just going to tell me that he loves Psyduck. Again. 

Just once I want a character to say "You know something? I am sick to death of Pokémon!"

3. The Gym Leaders became Gym Leaders even though they're shit:

Tell me, how did the moron who owns nothing but level 5 Rock-type Pokémon rise to a position of prominence in his town? Is it a place populated entirely by people so stupid that the village idiot is a brick? I'm supposed to believe that the man who thinks composing a team that has two Geodudes in it instills fear with every mighty footstep he takes, and quite frankly, I don't. 

Throughout the game you are reminded of this one simple fact -- if your team consists of one type of Pokémon, you are going to get screwed eventually. It would seem that your role is actually that of karmic truth, as you teach that very lesson to all the idiot Gym Leaders who ignored the advice you got five minutes into the bloody game.  

Oh sure, the second I hear that the next guy uses nothing but Water-types, I am looking at my Grotle and literally shitting myself with terror. And tell me, HOW can you be a trainer for so long and not even have your Pokémon up to level 10 yet? Are you a fool? Are you a stupid fool?

4. This thing:

 

I mean honestly ... what the Hell?

5. There's a difference between Pokémon and dogs:

Even though there are Pokémon that look, act and sound like dogs, they are not dogs. Similarly, dogs are not Pokémon. Pokémon are split into different subspecies and types, yet are distinct from animals. And I don't understand how. It's just like trying to divide by zero, is attempting to understand what makes a Pokémon different from a dog. 

It's never explained enough for my liking why an Eevee can learn Tackle but your common household Alsation can't. If you threw a Pokéball at a monkey, would it get trapped inside? If not, why does it work for Chimchar? How did these Pokémon even start looking like other animals? 

Also, how come nobody is ever shown cooking and eating a Pokémon? It would happen in real life, wouldn't it? I intend for no offense to Mereep fans, but if you're going to walk around looking like a delicious sheep, then you're just asking for trouble.  

6. The game is needlessly complex:

I consider it a fallacy that Pokémon is intended for children. While it looks like innocent playground fun on the outside, beneath its plush surface lies an eternity of statistics and arcane secrets that have been known to make sane men mad and mad men sane within mere minutes.

I refuse to believe Pokémon is for kids. You need graphs and charts and ancient runes to make sense of it all. If I'm on the bus and my Bidoof wants to evolve, I'm stuck -- I don't know if letting the little furry monster evolve now will mean he won't learn an important move later. Why do they do that to you? Why make it so keeping a Pokémon unevolved for several levels might be of benefit in the future? That just makes you frightened of evolution, and Dr. Richard Dawkins would laugh at you if he heard that!

Pokémon fills your head with too much knowledge. I now know that breeding an Alakazam with a Medicham will create an Abra capable of learning Fire Punch. I will NEVER need to know that much information about anything else in the world! There are professional hostage negotiators out there who will not have put as much effort into learning their trade as some four-year-old is expected to put into small drawings of animals. This is why children grow up stupid nowadays -- it's not that they're incapable of learning, it's just that their small brains have become completely filled by mental maps showing them were all the Rawst Berries are planted.

Pokémon has doomed us all.

But I do know where all the Rawst Berries are!

MORE IN OUR Pokemon SECTION

Latest comment by mikeyed |view all 73 comments
It bothers me that when I'm not doing anything at my internship, I most likely am reading about pokemon here......





greeneggsnsam's Avatar
greeneggsnsam at 06/24/2008 13:53

I can tell you actually do love Pokémon, otherwise these wouldn't have occurred to you. Awesome :)
pendelton21's Avatar
pendelton21 at 06/24/2008 13:55

I just started up another run at Emerald today. I agree with pretty much everything you said, but I still think Girafarig is pretty fucking cool. Maybe I'm just that lame.
luoxiang22's Avatar
luoxiang22 at 06/24/2008 13:56

Bizarrely, this article makes me want to play a Pokemon game for the first time in my life.
CaptainApocalypse's Avatar
CaptainApocalypse at 06/24/2008 13:57

I share your pain, Jim. I was really into the series as a kid, but I keep buying the new games when they come up, despite my 20-something status. Regarding your last point, I think it's crazy that they've made it so complicated. Red & Blue were really simple and provided me with one of my first RPG experiences. They really helped me get into the genre. I think if a kid today tried to get all this shit working, they'd have to be an experienced RPG player. Also, I hear Fried Tentacool is really good.
Professor Pew's Avatar
Professor Pew at 06/24/2008 13:58

Haha, amazing!

I remember walking through the zoo with my little nephew and he was calling all animals by their pokemon names.
Zulu's Avatar
Zulu at 06/24/2008 13:59

Jim, I would have never guessed that you were a Pokemon fan.
njsykora's Avatar
njsykora at 06/24/2008 14:00

I owe you so many blowjobs for this recent run of articles. I really need to get a new Pokemon game. Either that or find a GBA so I can play Yellow.
adultswim810's Avatar
adultswim810 at 06/24/2008 14:01

girafarig owns so hard.
nintendoll's Avatar
nintendoll at 06/24/2008 14:02

My sister explained to me that the "nature" of the pokemon actually has an effect on their stats, and that the stats can change based on what types of pokemon you fight. People breed Pokemon, looking for it to have a specific nature.

Way too complicated for me.
Unicorn's Avatar
Unicorn at 06/24/2008 14:08

hope you enjoy breeding for the right IV's and raising the correct EV's, for the style of fighting you want your abra to become. that sp atk will be awesome, but fire punch probably isn't a good move to keep, becuase that's now considered a physical attack. ahhhh the updates that came along with d/p. now moves are divided even further!

i'll admit. i'm a fucking addict, but i love every second of it.

why no mention of DRAPION!?!?!? girafarig is lamesauce compared to this tentacle tank scorpion... who's purple.
Shin Oni's Avatar
Shin Oni at 06/24/2008 14:09

Pokemon got very complex when R/S hit with the berries. With all the stat building and the EV training, it's no longer a simple Fire beats Grass, Grass beat Water, Water beats fire bit. It's still there, but when EV training, pokemon actually maxed out at 100 can survive elemental weaknesses if trained right.

It's not all THAT complicated when you see it in action really. It's the silly EV training and constantly fighting that same pokemon for said stat boost that's annoying. Then there's the right "nature" as Nintendoll stated and IV training which is a whole nother bit....
eternalplayer2345's Avatar
eternalplayer2345 at 06/24/2008 14:18

I'm surprised you didn't mention that in every pokemon game you start out as a 10-year old. Have you seen 10 year olds lately? Mosst of them are retarded they couldn't manage have a team 6 creatures to protect,train and nurish.Traveling all over the damn continent, NOT getting raped or beaten my adults.
ParaParaKing's Avatar
ParaParaKing at 06/24/2008 14:21

Those bother me too, but not enough to stop me playing it.
Mr Kind's Avatar
Mr Kind at 06/24/2008 14:25

I don't remember ever seeing any real world animals in the pokemon universe. Not only must pokemon eat each other, humans must eat pokemon.

Discussing this over lunch a while ago my friends and I decided that higher level and well cared for pokemon must taste better, kind of like that Japanese kobe beef we'd heard of.

We imagined this terrible world behind the scenes where ranchers lovingly raise Miltanks before leading them to the slaughter house.
Spartacus's Avatar
Spartacus at 06/24/2008 14:26

Does anyone actually pay attention to the statistics? I know it can get complicated if you want it to, but Christ, I don't think I've ever even picked a single berry.
Hoss's Avatar
Hoss at 06/24/2008 14:37

the whole breeding thing is odd and confusing for youngsters i would think... you just leave them and poof! no explanations about the delibirds and the beedrills enclosed at all... and that makes for an awkward family dinner later
Chicken008's Avatar
Chicken008 at 06/24/2008 14:38

Yeah, 2 and 3 bother me. 5 sure is weird but I know that in Red/Blue and other games it was stated that Farfetch'd get cooked with the leeks, and Slowpokes get their tails eaten..
l0cke's Avatar
l0cke at 06/24/2008 14:42

I could write the same thing about any game. I just seem to notice these little inconsistencies, with completely random facts that no one else would even look at, and they annoy me.
Char Aznable's Avatar
Char Aznable at 06/24/2008 14:43

It honestly never occurred to me that humans would be eating Pokemon in the real world until you wrote this article. Yet another moment of innocence corrupted by Mr. Sterling.
Dan CiTi's Avatar
Dan CiTi at 06/24/2008 14:54

Yeah some of the complexities of breeding, DVs/EVs/IVs(stats not show), and so on are surprising when you first hear about them. The added depth gives the game more balance & gives each Pokemon much more potential. It's a great series. Not only similar to, but close to my heart just like the Mother series.
CWal37's Avatar
CWal37 at 06/24/2008 14:59

Oh god, you just sucked me back in. I weep for the precious hours of my life you have ripped from the next several months. Damn you Jim Sterling.
Cielmort's Avatar
Cielmort at 06/24/2008 14:59

People do eat Pokemon.

If I'm right, in one of the games, the pokedex entry for farfetch says that he is eaten on holidays.
mr showtime's Avatar
mr showtime at 06/24/2008 15:05

Pixelized cock-fighting is what it is...
NihonTiger90's Avatar
NihonTiger90 at 06/24/2008 15:06

Jim being a Pokemon fan is the last thing I would have guessed, but this article certainly confirms he is a Pokenerd.
ZeeJayTL's Avatar
ZeeJayTL at 06/24/2008 15:11

I just hate how every generation of Pokemon comes another 100+ fucking pokemon! Just give me a new game with the original 151 and I'm game. I can't even name a pokemon after Mewtwo
ShuperShawn's Avatar
ShuperShawn at 06/24/2008 15:12

The only thing that bothers me about the new pokemon games is that there is no team rocket. Instead you get some galaxy crap that all look really stupid.
Mr Gilder's Avatar
Mr Gilder at 06/24/2008 15:17

There was an article a ways back on one of the more prominent gaming sites (please forgive my poor memory and failure to retain a link) that listed the top 10 (or so?) most arcane games of all time. These were the titles with little secrets and intricacies that were so bizarre and sometimes uninteligable that really only those who created them could truly understand them all. Point being, Pokemon sat pretty near the top of the list. With it's strange hidden systems of stat increases, Pokemon truly stands to confound even the most hardcore grinders. Definitely not just for kids . . . all joking aside.
JonDarkwood's Avatar
JonDarkwood at 06/24/2008 15:23

I can think of at least one more reason.

thebza's Avatar
thebza at 06/24/2008 15:24

dude, jim... everything bothers you.
Haxan's Avatar
Haxan at 06/24/2008 15:28

You get over 9,000 points just for mentioning the Velvet Underground!

My girl and I literally just picked our games up and started over again about 2 weeks ago. It's been neat sharing the ride along with you.
RonBurgandy2010's Avatar
RonBurgandy2010 at 06/24/2008 15:29

For the 1984 reference, I love you. Seriously, I want your babies.
niacin's Avatar
niacin at 06/24/2008 15:42

Jim I like your opinions on videogames I really do but please leave your personal politics at home. The NHS even with it's flaws is still the greatest British achievement of the last 200 years.
Using pokemon to try and argue that the rich should get healed quicker than the poor is frankly shameful Jim.

eech don't I sound like a pretentious fuckwit.
Acefowl's Avatar
Acefowl at 06/24/2008 15:43

Good point, eternalplayer2345. Apparently we can trust 10-year olds to take care of hundreds of different exotic creatures, but we can't stand them when we have to play them in Halo.

Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder if we can work out some sort of Exchange Program with Johto...
Primo's Avatar
Primo at 06/24/2008 15:45

Reason #4 was my favorite.
smurfee mcgee's Avatar
smurfee mcgee at 06/24/2008 15:50

I think the breeding itself bothers me a little bit
Samit Sarkar's Avatar
Samit Sarkar at 06/24/2008 15:53

1984 was awesome.
Tubatic's Avatar
Tubatic at 06/24/2008 16:01

You know, I really do want to play this game again. If only to round up a posse of old school under 151 Pokemon to beat down these freakish-even-by-pokemon-standard freaks.
Phyraks's Avatar
Phyraks at 06/24/2008 16:11

All great points but what still bothers me more than anything is the fact that they've really done nothing new with the actual battle portion of the gameplay (and don't say double battles cuz those really didn't change anything). I'm talking more interactivity...not sure how they'd do that without changing the formula too much but I'd love to see it done. The DS would be the perfect platform for it. Also, why the lack of an MMO? I was so expecting Battle Revolution to actually bring something revolutionary but I never got the game because it was just a stripped down version of stadium (i.e. no minigames). Pokemon has been asking to be made into an MMO since it was first conceived.
Kryptinite's Avatar
Kryptinite at 06/24/2008 16:17

Not to mention the slavery implications.....

"Do my work for me pokey!"

*sound if whip cracking*
Kryptinite's Avatar
Kryptinite at 06/24/2008 16:17

Not to mention the slavery implications.....

"Do my work for me pokey!"

*sound of whip cracking*
Murumasa123's Avatar
Murumasa123 at 06/24/2008 16:17

BRILLIANT literally spilting my sides. Ok not literally but still...
Fucking hillarious. I always wondered how the world doesn't just rovole aroudn pokemon. It revoles aroudn you and anyone who comes from the begging town. No chance for anyone living beyond a tree in town 9 with a lv4 pigeo.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 06/24/2008 16:43

@ Reason #4 : Seriously, wtf is that thing? I caught it and named it Dickbutt, but it never evolved into a wangdoodle.
Arugala9's Avatar
Arugala9 at 06/24/2008 16:44

Agreed
Taurshaz's Avatar
Taurshaz at 06/24/2008 16:48

Just because Britain's free health care system doesn't work, doesn't mean other countires' free health care systems don't.
Other than that I pretty much agree with the other stuff.
Jim Sterling's Avatar
Jim Sterling at 06/24/2008 17:05

To some people RE: The NHS,

SATIRE, people!
Baligouxji's Avatar
Baligouxji at 06/24/2008 17:56

Great to see Jim's a fan of The Velvet Underground, my favorite band. Or at least that's what his reference would imply.
vexed alex's Avatar
vexed alex at 06/24/2008 18:04

I love you, Jim
Jim Sterling's Avatar
Jim Sterling at 06/24/2008 18:16

Baligouxji:

Definitely fond of them. I'm not a huge fan, and prefer Reed's solo work, but I definitely take notice when I hear them.
mistic's Avatar
mistic at 06/24/2008 18:48

awesome article man :-)

I was laughing my ass of :-)
Eschatos's Avatar
Eschatos at 06/24/2008 19:01

Are there dogs in the Pokemon world? If not, that probably means that all animals are Pokemon and vice versa.
DaedHead8's Avatar
DaedHead8 at 06/24/2008 19:09

I love pokemon too. Great read Jim. I love you.
Myrmidon16's Avatar
Myrmidon16 at 06/24/2008 19:15

ur right about that underground complexity of the games wit all the breedin n stat changin n stuff... i mean, im 18 n i still cant scratch that stuff. also, great article.
Jonathan Holmes's Avatar
Jonathan Holmes at 06/24/2008 19:55

Nice. I can relate with this list, as I've been playing the fuck out of Pokemon Pearl since I got Pokemon ranch and that horrid woman in the cowgirl outfit started demanding I go back and finish my Pokedex.

The game is nuts, but I love it.

450 caught, 80 to go!
Lithium's Avatar
Lithium at 06/24/2008 20:31

I allways assumed that the Pokemon WERE the animals in the Pokemon world.
niacin's Avatar
niacin at 06/24/2008 20:32

I know you weren't really ripping into the NHS jim. Bad mood and I just read so many people ripping into the NHS today that I'm quick to get all defensive.
BlackSunEmpire's Avatar
BlackSunEmpire at 06/24/2008 21:02

You do realise the game is equally completable without power levelling you pokemon to be the best right??
Jim Sterling's Avatar
Jim Sterling at 06/24/2008 21:31

"You do realise the game is equally completable without power levelling you pokemon to be the best right??"

I'll change it to that. Makes for a far funnier article.
MissHinasaki's Avatar
MissHinasaki at 06/24/2008 22:03

Yea... I spent about $40 on strategy guides for Diamond and Pearl. I don't consider it a handheld game because I have to carry around a couple of dictionaries just to makes sure that I don't miss something important. That's why I have yet to get into the last one even though I got it the day it came out.

And Christ, have you seen some of the new beasts? That Giraffabomination is far mellower of a nightmare...
ace of knaves's Avatar
ace of knaves at 06/24/2008 22:44

I'm 15; Pokémon was my childhood. Oh, the memories. Seriously, best cock-fighting simulator ever.
Qalamari's Avatar
Qalamari at 06/24/2008 23:02

Great article as always. I think reason #2 is my favorite... I'd love to play some Pokemon with you at PAX. Also-- Girafarig has NOTHING on Giratina for nightmare fuel. I named mine Deathwing.

RonBurgandy2010's Avatar
RonBurgandy2010 at 06/24/2008 23:06

@ Qalamari Holy. Fucking. Sh