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Silent Hill Arcade is like playing vomit

5:52 PM on 07.16.2007 // William Haley

I'm a big supporter of IPs staying true to their origins. Paul Anderson's vision of Resident Evil? Raul Julia's vision of M. Bison? Uwe Boll's vision of anything? As a devout gamer, I kinda take them personally.

Take Star Wars for instance. How do you think fans of Star Wars would like it if somebody took the classic trilogy and just shat all over it with sequels so bad they'd be laughable if only you weren't comatose with awe by the fact that somebody could screw one of the most beloved franchises in film history up so completely, and then try to act as if they had done something to be proud of. That's like if your dog came in to the living room and just projectile diarrheaed all over you, your new girlfriend, and your brand new HDTV, and then awaited a bone and perhaps a platinum-studded collar for "treating" you to such a spectacular display of awesomeness and originality.

Jesus Christ, what the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, Silent Hill. Like Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles, Silent Hill Arcade is an extremely unnecessary spin on the classic survival horror series. Whereas you spend most of your time in Silent Hill with a crowbar or sledgehammer, now you are equipped with guns and an unlimited supply of bullets. Hmm, I guess that's the same thing.

And don't worry about getting scared either, because due to the nature of arcade games you're going to move along at a brisk pace while player two screams at pretty much everything. Gone are the moments of wandering down a dark hallway only to hear the static on your radio become increasingly louder. Gone is the complex and emotionally compelling story. Gone is the anticipation and terror, or pretty much everything that makes Silent Hill what it is. But you know, why make an original arcade game that actually makes sense when you can just rape and pillage an existing title that is cherished by gamers across the world?

Anyway, hit the jump for more projectile diarrhea. I'm done. 
Thanks to Zak Bentz for ruining my life! 

William Haley,
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