Yesterday we learned that men's agenda for sex in video games can pretty much be summed up by "more realistic gyrating vaginas". Ok ladies, it's your turn. Bring forth your most vocal mind to speak for the entire gamer girl population around the world. What games would women rather be playing, or have us playing with them? Is Mario not cute enough?!! What would you like men to understand as we look to design games for you so that you can spend more time on the sofa with us instead of having to lie, cheat, steal, burn your spa down?
Speaking on behalf of women is game designer and uteri-compatible Heather Kelley (not Kelly, got it!) from Ubisoft (Montreal, ay?) who got sick and tired of guy-designed games that totally missed the point (NES Barbie anyone?) and did her own thing. Finally at long last, male game designers everyone can learn what women really want... along with a Playable Demo!
Lapis is a Nintendo DS game that secretly teaches players techniques of female sexual gratification (namely men, whom I believe are the only ones who have this problem from videos I've, um, *heard about* with horses and dogs). Labia Lapis Lust played by helping adorable rabbit-like creatures fly through beautiful environments (Georgia O'keefe would be proud). The creatures are analogous to female erogenous zones, and by making the creatures happy -- petting them on the ears, tickling them on the nose, putting them in a good environment, singing to them, etc, you can fly through gorgeous fantasy environments and so take each creature to its "happy place," one might say. :) In the process of learning what kinds of stimuli these creatures like, the player would learn techniques of female sexual pleasure, though that wouldn't be obvious or even mentioned as a game goal. The idea was to make the game's style and gameplay appealing to a wide variety of females. So, the actions are sensual in nature, and the rhythm of play is akin to sexual pleasure and orgasm, but the gameplay itself does not depict sex.
Concept Demo Controls:
* Use arrow keys to rotate the bunny-creature and get a good angle on the nose or the tail (bug: some angles don't work, so try rotating further)
* Using the mouse, point and click on the nose or tail in the bottom screen (the touch screen) to start flying (in the actual game, you would need to use the DS stylus or the microphone to discover what type of stimulation matches the bunny's individual response patterns)
* Try to fly all the way up to the Fireworks and achieve Pure Lapiness!
Here's an image taken from the demo. In the bottom screen is the touchable bunny, and in the top, the camera flies upwards passing different "levels" of play equating to arousal. This, of course, is the Teapot level. It isn't representative of an actual game, but gives you a sense of the overall creative direction for the concept.
So there you have it. We had it all wrong all these years. So take note and listen up men!!! What did we learn?
When Rockstar announces the next city in Grand Theft Auto, we must (A) urge them to shape it in the form of an abstract vagina and (B) ask that all the mission objectives be placed around the upper middle of the map.
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