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Dildo Baseball Bat

Review: Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat

2:30 PM on 11.05.2011 // Jim Sterling
  @JimSterling

While we're all waiting for that hotly anticipated Saints Row: The Third review, it's easy to forget that Volition Inc. has something else coming to market -- the official Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat

Fortunately, Destructoid got its hands on what may be the biggest consumer product this holiday season. We took it for a test drive and are proud to reveal this exclusive review! If you're buying any other combination of sports club and external arousal implement, you're definitely getting shafted!

Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat 
Manufacturer: Volition Inc.
Publisher: THQ
Released: TBD 
MSRP: $624.99

Whether your trusty old baseball bat is ready for retirement or your tired and clammy dildo needs replacing, Volition Inc. has you covered with the Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat. Built with durability and long-term use in mind, you'll be laughing at the savings whether you're smashing balls in the park with your son or smashing your vagina to pieces while watching The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1!

Thanks to the smooth ergonomic design and carefully regulated coating of Polymer Rubber Substitute, the Saints Row Dildo Bat provides a level of comfort and flexibility hitherto unseen in any other baseball bat/artificial penis. I was impressed by just how good this feels to use. It's been intuitively designed so that even a novice can get to grips with it in seconds, featuring a very simple handle-based interface that should be familiar to most users. 

The handle itself has a particularly satisfying level of friction and comfort, thanks to the Scientific Flexi-Wrap applied to a rigid base of luxury wood. The contours improve grip ratio while the tactile-oriented neo matte finish keeps even the sweatiest of palms from slipping. 

Having a good handle on any baseball dick is paramount, as experts in the field will tell you 67% of the time. Unfortunately, most manufacturers focus only on the glamour portions of their devices and neglect this mundane-yet-crucial part of the experience. Volition went the extra mile on its piece and deserves applause in an industry that's far too quick to stampede toward the penis without taking care of the fundamentals.

Make no mistake, however -- Volition has not skimped on the detail.

Putting its legendary creative sensibilities to fantastic use with an artisan level of design. The testicles feature hand-crafted creases to create that "just-like-real-sac" feeling that consumers have come to demand over the years, with a central groove to neatly define each individual bollock. These medically accurate representations of authentic gonads will delight even the most discerning of fans, making this a perfect gift for those who believe that the devil is in the details. 

The elegant detailing continues up through the device's premium shaft, featuring a prominent central vein that many fans will recognize from seeing pictures of actual penises in their day-to-day lives. The entire package is complimented by a sleek and aerodynamic glans situated at the distal end of the corpora cavernosa. While it is unfortunate that a complimentary meatus has been excluded from the final product, the Dildo Bat nonetheless features a beautifully designed crown, shaped to please and providing a significant amount of heft in the finished article, so you can really hit those home runs!

All told, it's given me a great amount of pleasure to be able to review the Dildo Bat for you. However, there are of course a few negative aspects that must be addressed. Firstly, the smell -- it stinks like Laffy Taffy. While this won't be a problem for customers exclusively utilizing the item as a sporting implement, those who wish to make full use of its features may feel put off by the overwhelming aroma of goof-themed boiled sugar in something they intend to place within one of several personal openings. 

The color is also a boner of contention. While I personally appreciate the purple tone, one does occasionally think of Grimace's throbbing plonker while studying it for too long. I don't need to tell you that overt sexual thoughts concerning a McDonald's villain-turned-mascot have been a bit of a controversial issue in North America -- especially lately -- and this could be a huge dealbreaker for some users. 

Despite these setbacks, the Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat is still one of the most flexible and worthwhile investments a family could make. Thanks to its versatile application at work and home, the Dildo Bat is a brilliant investment that finally puts an end to the need to replace ordinary baseball bats and sex toys -- often considered one of the greatest causes of financial strain in the West. 

In short, this is a highly recommended piece, and one that you should definitely pass up on. It should be available in Walmart, Target and Toys R Us in the near future, so keep a look out!



THE VERDICT

8.5

Dildo Baseball Bat - Reviewed by Jim Sterling
Charming - Not perfect, but it's easy to ignore the rough spots when faced with so many engaging design decisions and entertaining moments. A memorable game that's hard not to like and recommend to others.

See more reviews or the Destructoid score guide.

Jim Sterling, Former Reviews Editor
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Destructoid reviews editor, responsible for running and maintaining the cutting edge videogame critique that people ignore because all they want to see are the scores at the end. Also a regular f... more   |   staff directory

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