Rhianna Pratchett writing the Tomb Raider reboot



10:30 AM on 07.12.2012

[This post will come in two varieties: Standard and Cynical Collector's Edition. Following is the Dry version.]

Crystal Dynamics has announced that writer Rhianna Pratchett is on board to pen the narrative for the upcoming Tomb Raider reboot. Prior works The daughter of legendary novelist Terry Pratchett, Rhianna has contributed to various games including Mirror's Edge, Overlord, and Prince of Persia

"I grew up playing Tomb Raider, uncovering the world’s secrets and unearthing its treasures; I have lived and died as Lara Croft, but nothing comes close to the challenge of re-writing her," said the freshly announced lead writer. "Seldom do we get the opportunity to reimagine and reinvent a legend, so getting my narrative hands on Miss Croft was a once-in-a-life-time opportunity. It was going back to the genesis of videogame action heroines and exploring how to make such an iconic character meaningful and relatable for gamers today."

Pratchett's a solid writer, so that should be pretty good.

[Now, the Cynical version.]

Crystal Dynamics, furthering its attempts to distance itself from the word "rape" and any other tender gender issues, has announced Rhianna Pratchett, a woman, as the lead writer of the game. The studio has made extra careful that everybody knows that a woman is writing the game, therefore every controversy is now null and void. 

"I grew up playing Tomb Raider, uncovering the world’s secrets and unearthing its treasures; I have lived and died as Lara Croft, but nothing comes close to the challenge of re-writing her," said the freshly announced lead writer, who is a woman writer and will write a woman character with her woman's hands. "Seldom do we get the opportunity to reimagine and reinvent a legend, so getting my narrative hands on Miss Croft was a once-in-a-life-time opportunity. It was going back to the genesis of videogame action heroines and exploring how to make such an iconic character meaningful and relatable for gamers today."

"Many people think we are using women's issues as a cynical marketing ploy, but we're totes not, brah," someone at Crystal probably said. "Did you know, for example, that we actually KNOW some women? I'm not shitting you, son. I know about three of them and have even kissed one. We're letting one of them work on the game and also we have a Stevie Wonder LP in the cafeteria so we're not racist either." 

Patchett's a woman, so Crystal Dynamics isn't in trouble in anymore.


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Jim Sterling

Former Reviews Editor