We don’t often have guest reviewers at Destructoid, because we need to offer the utmost credibility when analyzing a game in a critical light. However, there is no one more credible than my Uncle Nachos when it comes to the Gradius series. While I personally have been awaiting the series spiritual successor Otomedius Excellent since I saw it at E3, this event means a lot more to my uncle, who is a dedicated fan of Konami’s shooter series.
So, for this one time only: Climb aboard Uncle Nachos' magical anime-boobie ship and blast off into a land of super credible critical analysis. It may just change your life forever.
Hi there. My name is [redacted] but you can just call me Uncle Nachos. Since the ‘80s I’ve been a Gradius super-fanatic! For you hot 'n sexy youngins (HEH) that think shoot-em-ups are some sort of military shooter where you shoot foreigners in space, you are sorely mistaken. Back in the day, vertical and sidescrolling shoot-em-ups ruled the arcade, but above all it was Gradius and its sequels that entranced me the most.
I only got out of the state penitentiary eight months ago, so I’m a bit behind on what happened to my beloved Gradius series. A friend in the pound, Lil’ Yo, told me that Gradius V was the last one he played and it was one of the best PS2 games in existence. I sure would like to try that, but I only have a Xbox 360 at my papa’s place. Imagine my surprise when I heard of Otomedius Excellent!
Otomedius Excellent is everything I love in life: Gradius, graphics, and cute little girls! Hehe! Not since I laid my hands on [redacted], have my palms been so wet and sticky to get a hold of a babe. I should say “babes,” because Otomedius offers many choices of quality women dressed in attire that is perfectly suitable toward my tastes. As a collector of [redacted] porn, it really makes me feel right at home. I also appreciate that the menu screens are navigated with a cursor mapped to the right-stick and A button; this leaves my other hands free for extra fun! ;)
Don’t pull your pickle out just yet, guys, because this little whore ain’t the woman she used to be (if you know what I mean!) Sure, Gradius' unique upgrade system, that lets you choose what ability to unlock by spending collected points, returns. As does the ship customization options that let you alter your loadout before a game. However, Otomedius lacks the tight controls, imaginative levels, and challenging bosses I expect of a Gradius title.
I’m as big a fan of big-boobed girls in tight ships as the next guy -- OK, maybe not as much as my ex-cellmate 'Jackin' Jojo -- but Otomedius looks like ass and probably would taste like one if you could bite into it. Along with the excellent Gradius series, Konami had a goofy, surreal spin-off series in the ‘90s called Parodius. Otomedius doesn’t have the imagination or spectacle of Parodius, nor does it have the atmosphere and smart design of Gradius. It stands in between the two as a very average shoot-em-up that happens to feature some lovely ladies that I’d love to fly around in my cockpit (HEH!)
I admit that I’m new to using a Xbox 360 controller, but damn if these ladies aren’t as slippery and wet as a walrus’ throat. One tap on the left-thumbstick sends your lovely gal a couple positions foward, making for some very choppy action. I felt my chub going flat in my skin-tight cougar pants, as I tried to acquire the pin-point accuracy the game’s bosses demand. This problem only gets worse as you upgrade your speed, making it possible to fly across the map in a milisecond like some sort of disco-club methhead who just fisted a bag of angeldust into his rectum.
On top of being a very lousy game, this console port is a technical mess. There are slowdown issues, the default button placement is awkward, and you can’t access any options mid-game. Like its arcade predecessor Otomedius G, Otomedius Excellent is about as pretty as a beatdown crackwhore popping a squat next to a dumpster outside a Denny’s (reminds me of last night, hehe). Deathsmiles II, another shooter from this year which features some very young and lovely ladies, also resembles a Dreamcast title, but it managed to still offer good art direction and some nostalgic eye-candy. Otomedius just looks flat-out bad, although the later sections in space look alright. I mean, how can you make space look anything less than alright?
The game includes leaderboards -- which you can organize by birth month for whatever reason -- online/offline three-player co-op, and video replays. These are to be expected of a retail release for a game that could have very well been a downloadable title. The game still feels like a rushed port. This is most evident by the awkward menu navigation and the lack of English voice-overs.
It’s as if Konami hit its head on its crackpipe (HEH) and forgot how to make a good Gradius game! The bullets often blend into the colorful backdrops, making them hard to see: C’mon, this is basic! I never played a shooter before that I wanted to end so badly. The game’s final two stages are the most awkward of all, since they throw a cavalcade of bosses at you that all share a similar weakness. Sure, I find that hot little big-boobed cat-pirate anime babe boss enticing but I’d rather serve another five year sentence than play through this game again. It’s a trap!
Look, I spent five years in jail for the distribution of [redacted] so I can understand If you are in dire need of some anime boobs. Sometimes a man needs some lovely ladies to accompany his shoot-em-up action. But I highly recommend seeking out Deathsmiles I & II and Trouble Witches Neo! before bringing this ugly, confused game back to your place for some potentially incriminating fun.
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If you guys have any questions about Otomedius, the classic Gradius games, or how to pick-up chicks on Craigslist, feel free to shoot away in the comment section below. And thanks again to the Dtoid guys for letting me offer some old man insight. You guys rock! <3 ~UNCLE NACHOS~
Final Verdict: 3.0
Poor: 3s went wrong somewhere along the line. The original idea might have promise, but in practice the game has failed. Threatens to be interesting sometimes, but rarely.
The movement i saw guest reviewer for a shmup, I hoped for a second the great Topher Cantler was making a triumphant brief return, but this was alright too.
Oh thank you so very much for talking me out of getting this Uncle Nachos! The anime women on the cover of the box were calling to me! Good thing I am armed with KNOWLEDGE now! :D
The game really is worse than I expected. All of the tasteless jokes aside in the review, and the harsh tone - most of the points made are pretty accurate.
I would score it as a 5/10 for average players, and as a 6.5/10 for fans of old school shooters and anime girls. The art direction does look nice. The graphics are pretty awful though.
Quality issues (with the game or this comedic review)aside, it was foolish of Konami to bring this game stateside at this time with some many superior titles being offered from either side of the Atlantic or to release it at all without more polish when there are already CAVE shoot-em-ups on the Xbox 360 that get everything that they seem to have been aiming for in Otomedius right...except for the lack of cat-girl pirates and penguins.
Yeah, the game is a bit shit unfortunately. I really don't understand why the game didn't come out in July like it was supposed to. How long does it take to translate a game with hardly any text in it?
Good review, A few fellow shmuppers seem to like this game but for the life in me I cant see why they think its good. They must like the loli :) (although the shmup fan in me still wants this in PAL, but im a sucker for boxed shmups)
Im so glad PAL has Dodonpachi Resurrection Deluxe and not this mediocre game. BTW Allistair do you have plans on importing and reviewing Dodonpachi Resurrection since it works on NA 360s?
This is a pretty terrible review hidden behind an unfunny review gimmick. Take away the stale jokes and you've barely told me anything about the game. You say it has a Gradius style upgrade system but failed to mention what any of the upgrades were. Getting too many speed-ups is a bad idea in Gradius too. Are you saying the increments at which it speeds you up are too big? I'm not sure what you're complaining about there. Slowdown is often deliberate in modern shmups, especially when there are a lot of bullets on the screen. Deathsmiles does this too. I don't know if the amount of bullets is comparable though because you haven't told me anything about the game. How many levels are there? How many characters? Is there a difference between characters? What are the bosses like? the upgrades? options? bullet patterns? difficulties? ...anything? And if you're playing a shmup with a 360 controller, you're doing it wrong.
You had some good points too --bullets blending in, poor art direction-- but the review ultimately fails to be a review. I'm happy to see shmups being reviewed, but not if it's like this. /rant
Here's a rebuttal posted on Facebook a few days ago from someone who actually played more than one loop.
What about the controls is sloppy? by default it matches every previous Gradius game. Even then, they're customizable.
Play a higher loop.
If you really need a visible hitbox, you can play Beginner until you learn where it is, it's gradius, you're not supposed to have such crutches.
There's a lot more going on in the background than you might realize. The game does load quite a few assets.
It's gradius, the slow down is intentional and only really happens when shit is going down anyway. If you want it to be really bad, get the Japanese version and don't install the patch. There wasn't an excuse for the pre patch slowdown.
@RchardNixon: You really pissed off Uncle Nachos, to say the least. He's in an ugly place now, so thanks a lot for the negativity, dude!
If you are a real shmup fan, you'd lose all interest based on the criticisms given and pick up Deathsmiles or Trouble Witches instead. If you really must know tough.
Slowdown = It comes in randomly at a couple sections. If it's planned, it's planned poorly.
Upgrades = Same stuff from other Gradius games. Options, laser, shield, etc.
Bullet patterns = Boring and only a few on screen on normal. The real obstacle are the backgrounds and stage obstacles that only confuse the player.
I love Topher's "Real Men Play Gradius" article, but the guy only knows half of what I do. I could top his score on any shmup.
@TrevHead: No. I lost interest in that series since Dai Ou Jou. I just can't handle those games. However, I bought Muchi Muchi Pork/Pink Sweets when I was in Japan recently. Still haven't played it, but don't expect a review -- way old now.
Gradius V was the last game I played in my PS3 fat before it broke. It was glorious. I can't believe they put out that crap Slipheed game and not Gradius V. Hopefully it'll be posted on PSN next year.
@ Excel-2011, intresting, is there any way to skip the first loop similar to a NG+? Or do I have to play though the 1st loop every time?
@ Allistar, was it DOJ's difficulty that put you off? DFK 1.5 is supposed to be rather easy to 1CC (for a CAVE shmup) as it has autobomb, plus IIRC the chaining is easier too. Its DFK Black Label thats hard
@Allistair Pinsof : All of that stuff should have been in the review. I would have been able to overlook the comedy I didn't care for if it had been. I wasn't trying to defend the game; I haven't played it, but I would have liked more details explaining why you didn't like it in the actual review. And I'm still curious how many playable characters there are, if there are any gameplay differences between them, details on the scoring system, how difficult it is. These are things that should be in any shmup review. I'm trying to be constructive here. I hope to see more shmup reviews on dtoid. It's one of my favorite genres and it barely gets any coverage.
I already have DeathSmiles, Mushihimesama Futari, Trouble Witches, etc. Just because other good shmups exist doesn't mean I should give up ever playing any new ones. Not sure what you were getting at there.
I don't feel like looking it up, but I'm pretty sure the "real men play Gradius" article was by Aaron Linde. Topher can 1CC Ikaruga (he wrote the review for Ikaruga on Destructoid) He mentioned his DeathSmiles score on a podcast(maybe electric Hydra?) and it was pretty impressive. I don't remember exactly what it was. Doesn't matter.
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Contest:
5:00 PM on 11.16.2011 | 
It's a damn shame this game gets an American release when so many good shooters / bullet-hells never see the light of day here w/o being imported.
Shoot Love 200X for example, the Wario Ware of shooters.
I would score it as a 5/10 for average players, and as a 6.5/10 for fans of old school shooters and anime girls. The art direction does look nice. The graphics are pretty awful though.
Because Dreamcast > everything this generation.
This is a mediocre shooter, but I don't hate it. It's embarrassing, but I'm a fan of the genre.
Also, the review was a lot of fun to read.
I just came! Those tits look scrumptious!
Im so glad PAL has Dodonpachi Resurrection Deluxe and not this mediocre game. BTW Allistair do you have plans on importing and reviewing Dodonpachi Resurrection since it works on NA 360s?
You had some good points too --bullets blending in, poor art direction-- but the review ultimately fails to be a review. I'm happy to see shmups being reviewed, but not if it's like this. /rant
I miss Topher.
(was gonna ignore this but I just cant help myself)
Some ppl (me included) like these type of games and adds spice to a bland FPS dish.
Anyway they ARE still shmups and run and gunners been made for the DC. Sturmwind and GunLord look really tasty, enough to make me plan on buying a DC
What about the controls is sloppy? by default it matches every previous Gradius game. Even then, they're customizable.
Play a higher loop.
If you really need a visible hitbox, you can play Beginner until you learn where it is, it's gradius, you're not supposed to have such crutches.
There's a lot more going on in the background than you might realize. The game does load quite a few assets.
It's gradius, the slow down is intentional and only really happens when shit is going down anyway. If you want it to be really bad, get the Japanese version and don't install the patch. There wasn't an excuse for the pre patch slowdown.
If you are a real shmup fan, you'd lose all interest based on the criticisms given and pick up Deathsmiles or Trouble Witches instead. If you really must know tough.
Slowdown = It comes in randomly at a couple sections. If it's planned, it's planned poorly.
Upgrades = Same stuff from other Gradius games. Options, laser, shield, etc.
Bullet patterns = Boring and only a few on screen on normal. The real obstacle are the backgrounds and stage obstacles that only confuse the player.
I love Topher's "Real Men Play Gradius" article, but the guy only knows half of what I do. I could top his score on any shmup.
@TrevHead: No. I lost interest in that series since Dai Ou Jou. I just can't handle those games. However, I bought Muchi Muchi Pork/Pink Sweets when I was in Japan recently. Still haven't played it, but don't expect a review -- way old now.
Gradius V was the last game I played in my PS3 fat before it broke. It was glorious. I can't believe they put out that crap Slipheed game and not Gradius V. Hopefully it'll be posted on PSN next year.
@ Allistar, was it DOJ's difficulty that put you off? DFK 1.5 is supposed to be rather easy to 1CC (for a CAVE shmup) as it has autobomb, plus IIRC the chaining is easier too. Its DFK Black Label thats hard
Topher didn't write "Real Men Play Gradius". That was Aaron Linde of Bonerquest fame.
Deathsmiles is the high water mark, but there are plenty of other gems.
I already have DeathSmiles, Mushihimesama Futari, Trouble Witches, etc. Just because other good shmups exist doesn't mean I should give up ever playing any new ones. Not sure what you were getting at there.
I don't feel like looking it up, but I'm pretty sure the "real men play Gradius" article was by Aaron Linde. Topher can 1CC Ikaruga (he wrote the review for Ikaruga on Destructoid) He mentioned his DeathSmiles score on a podcast(maybe electric Hydra?) and it was pretty impressive. I don't remember exactly what it was. Doesn't matter.