Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Otomedius Excellent

Review: Otomedius Excellent

5:00 PM on 11.16.2011 // Allistair Pinsof
  @DtoidAllistair

We don’t often have guest reviewers at Destructoid, because we need to offer the utmost credibility when analyzing a game in a critical light. However, there is no one more credible than my Uncle Nachos when it comes to the Gradius series. While I personally have been awaiting the series spiritual successor Otomedius Excellent since I saw it at E3, this event means a lot more to my uncle, who is a dedicated fan of Konami’s shooter series.

So, for this one time only: Climb aboard Uncle Nachos' magical anime-boobie ship and blast off into a land of super credible critical analysis. It may just change your life forever.


Otomedius Excellent  (Xbox 360)
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami

Released: November 8, 2011
MSRP: $29.99

Hi there. My name is [redacted] but you can just call me Uncle Nachos. Since the ‘80s I’ve been a Gradius super-fanatic! For you hot 'n sexy youngins (HEH) that think shoot-em-ups are some sort of military shooter where you shoot foreigners in space, you are sorely mistaken. Back in the day, vertical and sidescrolling shoot-em-ups ruled the arcade, but above all it was Gradius and its sequels that entranced me the most.

I only got out of the state penitentiary eight months ago, so I’m a bit behind on what happened to my beloved Gradius series. A friend in the pound, Lil’ Yo, told me that Gradius V was the last one he played and it was one of the best PS2 games in existence. I sure would like to try that, but I only have a Xbox 360 at my papa’s place. Imagine my surprise when I heard of Otomedius Excellent!



Otomedius Excellent is everything I love in life: Gradius, graphics, and cute little girls! Hehe! Not since I laid my hands on [redacted], have my palms been so wet and sticky to get a hold of a babe. I should say “babes,” because Otomedius offers many choices of quality women dressed in attire that is perfectly suitable toward my tastes. As a collector of [redacted] porn, it really makes me feel right at home. I also appreciate that the menu screens are navigated with a cursor mapped to the right-stick and A button; this leaves my other hands free for extra fun! ;)

Don’t pull your pickle out just yet, guys, because this little whore ain’t the woman she used to be (if you know what I mean!) Sure, Gradius' unique upgrade system, that lets you choose what ability to unlock by spending collected points, returns. As does the ship customization options that let you alter your loadout before a game. However, Otomedius lacks the tight controls, imaginative levels, and challenging bosses I expect of a Gradius title.



I’m as big a fan of big-boobed girls in tight ships as the next guy -- OK, maybe not as much as my ex-cellmate 'Jackin' Jojo -- but Otomedius looks like ass and probably would taste like one if you could bite into it. Along with the excellent Gradius series, Konami had a goofy, surreal spin-off series in the ‘90s called Parodius. Otomedius doesn’t have the imagination or spectacle of Parodius, nor does it have the atmosphere and smart design of Gradius. It stands in between the two as a very average shoot-em-up that happens to feature some lovely ladies that I’d love to fly around in my cockpit (HEH!)

I admit that I’m new to using a Xbox 360 controller, but damn if these ladies aren’t as slippery and wet as a walrus’ throat. One tap on the left-thumbstick sends your lovely gal a couple positions foward, making for some very choppy action. I felt my chub going flat in my skin-tight cougar pants, as I tried to acquire the pin-point accuracy the game’s bosses demand. This problem only gets worse as you upgrade your speed, making it possible to fly across the map in a milisecond like some sort of disco-club methhead who just fisted a bag of angeldust into his rectum.



On top of being a very lousy game, this console port is a technical mess. There are slowdown issues, the default button placement is awkward, and you can’t access any options mid-game. Like its arcade predecessor Otomedius G, Otomedius Excellent is about as pretty as a beatdown crackwhore popping a squat next to a dumpster outside a Denny’s (reminds me of last night, hehe). Deathsmiles II, another shooter from this year which features some very young and lovely ladies, also resembles a Dreamcast title, but it managed to still offer good art direction and some nostalgic eye-candy. Otomedius just looks flat-out bad, although the later sections in space look alright. I mean, how can you make space look anything less than alright?

The game includes leaderboards -- which you can organize by birth month for whatever reason -- online/offline three-player co-op, and video replays. These are to be expected of a retail release for a game that could have very well been a downloadable title. The game still feels like a rushed port. This is most evident by the awkward menu navigation and the lack of English voice-overs.



It’s as if Konami hit its head on its crackpipe (HEH) and forgot how to make a good Gradius game! The bullets often blend into the colorful backdrops, making them hard to see: C’mon, this is basic! I never played a shooter before that I wanted to end so badly. The game’s final two stages are the most awkward of all, since they throw a cavalcade of bosses at you that all share a similar weakness. Sure, I find that hot little big-boobed cat-pirate anime babe boss enticing but I’d rather serve another five year sentence than play through this game again. It’s a trap!

Look, I spent five years in jail for the distribution of [redacted] so I can understand If you are in dire need of some anime boobs. Sometimes a man needs some lovely ladies to accompany his shoot-em-up action. But I highly recommend seeking out Deathsmiles I & II and Trouble Witches Neo! before bringing this ugly, confused game back to your place for some potentially incriminating fun.

-------------------------------------

If you guys have any questions about Otomedius, the classic Gradius games, or how to pick-up chicks on Craigslist, feel free to shoot away in the comment section below. And thanks again to the Dtoid guys for letting me offer some old man insight. You guys rock! <3  ~UNCLE NACHOS~ 



THE VERDICT

3

Otomedius Excellent - Reviewed by Allistair Pinsof
Insulting - I feel mocked by this game. It's engaging for just long enough to pull the rug out from under me and scream in my ear, "surprise! I suck!"

See more reviews or the Destructoid score guide.

Allistair Pinsof,
 Follow Blog + disclosure DtoidAllistair

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.





 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

destructoid's previous coverage:
Otomedius Excellent


View all:powered by:  MM.Elephant

Ads on destructoid may be purchased from:



Please contact Crave Online, thanks!


Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth Review (Vita)

Waifu Wars: Loyalty-Tier

The Wii U's fate is not (entirely) Nintendo's fault

Musings on Firewatch (Spoilers)

My Gaming Landscape [February 9th, 2016]

The sexiest Senran Kagura character has been found!!

Room to Share: Why More People Playing Games Is a Good Thing

OVERWATCH SONG - This World Needs Heroes

Cblogs of 2/8/2016 + Face Petting in FE is a TERRIBLE Mechanic

Calendula: Is this the start of the cynical "meta" games?

 Add your impressions

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

Jed Whitaker avatarJed Whitaker
Streaming some Unravel then perhaps some Firewatch. Don't not come. [url]http://twitch.tv/Jed05[/url]
Agent9 avatarAgent9
Just got my Wind up Ifrit minion. I couldn't sell it, it was too adorable.
Agent9 avatarAgent9
Just got my Wind up Ifrit minion. I couldn't sell it, it was too adorable.
Parismio avatarParismio
I was playing Third Strike on PS3 with my PS4 controller and I tried using the dpad for the first and noticed that it doesnt take corner directional inputs. Is this normal for ps4 controllers on ps3?
Larxinostic avatarLarxinostic
I swear, it makes sense in context..... Kinda. Hmmm. Okay, not so much. [img]http://i.imgur.com/YhIzmYN.png[/img]
Agent9 avatarAgent9
Almost done with my Waifu wars blog. pretty happy with how it turned out.
SeymourDuncan17 avatarSeymourDuncan17
Time to scream and shout. It's Nanako cosplaying as her big bro! <3
Mike Wallace avatarMike Wallace
Bernie Sanders vs. Donald Trump is like Gandalf the White vs. Handsome Jack.
Sir Shenanigans avatarSir Shenanigans
Skellige is so cool! It's like the land of Valhalla Rising.
Torchman avatarTorchman
http://gonintendo.com/stories/251840-fire-emblem-fates-petting-mini-game-is-in-game-but-only-availa I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONE. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MINDS PEOPLE
Shinta avatarShinta
God damn, Bernie Sanders is just killing it with this speech. Hitting basically every point. He even used the word "oligarchy." Probably the first time I've ever heard that word uttered on CNN. I think a lot of people in power are shitting their pants
Pixie The Fairy avatarPixie The Fairy
In my haste to finally factory reset my tablet, I erased a blog I had worked on. Thankfully, it's fresh in my mind. It's another MGS blog, but it goes the opposite way of my last MGS blog. Pray this guy is not your husbando, for he is shit.
Sir Shenanigans avatarSir Shenanigans
Just ate a disgusting amount of sugary wonders in a Fat Tuesday blowout. Chocolate (birthday) cake, Oreos, brownies, cookie dough, and some creme brule thing. Satiation by way of eat-'til-you-puke is what Shenanigans says!
LaTerry avatarLaTerry
Is there any real difference between the PS3 and the PS4 versions of Valkyria Chronicles?
Shinta avatarShinta
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
Say whaaaaaat?
Gundy avatarGundy
Voting for Broforce made me think of the most American person that could ever exist. President Michael Wilson!
Fuzunga avatarFuzunga
By the way, that IGPX collection is a new release. It's the first time the show is available in a complete package, and the first time it's been available in any format in about 10 years. [url]http://amzn.to/20JSMCd[/url]
gajknight avatargajknight
This is your daily reminder that Taxi Driver is the best movie ever and if you disagree then all I can say is: God, you're square.
Nathan D avatarNathan D
I love when someone at work tries to claim you screwed up on something and it completely backfires on them. I try to help them save face afterwards, but secretly I'm like...
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -