Review: Dead or Alive Paradise

6:00 PM on 04.06.2010   |   Jim Sterling

181 comments

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No. 

Dead or Alive Paradise (PSP)
Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Koei Tecmo
Released: March 30, 2010
MSRP: $29.99

Dead or Alive Paradise leaves only questions in its wake. Is this supposed to be a videogame? Are we really meant to masturbate to this? Has anybody at Tecmo actually seen a breast in real life? It forces us to ask all these questions, and not once does it ever answer them. I don't know what Dead or Alive Paradise is supposed to be. It's clearly trying to appeal to fans of the female form, but the graphics are so poor and the breasts so supernatural that I can't imagine anybody being able to even generate pre-come after playing this for an hour, let along manipulate their glans to the point of full issue. 

The general premise is the same as always -- girls from the Dead or Alive franchise forget that they are battle-hardened pugilists and put on bikinis to walk around a beach all day. Taking on the role of one of these vapid bimbos with excruciating and worryingly child-like voices, players get to experience their dream vacation, befriending incredibly stupid women, giving and receiving material gifts, trying on different swimwear, and trying to pose for photographs even though their tits won't stay still long enough. 

The game is split into night and day. During the day, players can choose various locations and partake in a number of activities. None of the activities are very fun. They consist of inane and intellectually insulting minigames that barely work, like volleyball and "pool hopping." These games are all about numbly pressing buttons and hoping you win, except you're not hoping that hard because you're not emotionally invested in what's going on. It's hard to pay attention to minigames when you all can think about is how badly you want them to end. 

Other Dead or Alive characters will hang out at different locations where you will be able to give them gifts and try to "partner up" with them, presumably for potential lesbian shenanigans. Most of the time, the girls will accept your gift, then wrap it back up and give it to you at the end of the day as a return gift. These women are bitches, and gift-giving soon becomes a waste of time. Wait, what am I saying? That implies that there is a point during Paradise where something isn't a waste of time. 

Players can also shop for presents, accessories and bikinis, although again there's not much of a reason to do any of it. The main attraction is, of course, the photography section, where the women will swim, relax, or pose while you get to snap pictures like a creepy, quasi-pedophile stalker. There seems to be very little reward for doing so other than your own sexual satisfaction. So that means there is actually NO reward for doing this whatsoever. The very best you'll get is a momentary of pulse of blood through your shaft, and that's not enough to justify a purchase.

At night, players have the option to gamble at fruit machines, or play Blackjack and Poker. Since this is based on random luck, the game frequently robs you of your money. It's sad that the card games are the most enjoyable part of Dead or Alive Paradise, especially considering the fact that it is shit. That tells you just how miserable the rest of the game is. 

Bear in mind that the vast majority of the game is represented by static locations. You don't even get to walk around this island paradise. In fact, you only barely interact with your character even during the minigames. Most of the game is set out like a very poor adventure title, sans the adventure part, where you simply select locations without having direct control over anybody or anything. 

The worst part of it all, however, is the fact that Dead or Alive Paradise looks absolutely dreadful. For a game based entirely around eye candy, Paradise is a visual mess. Characters are poorly rendered, and the game is also very badly compressed, meaning that even if the game was better looking, it would still be full of artifacts that make the characters look like they're covered in blackheads. The FMVs have been reduced in quality so badly that they're nearly unwatchable, and the main game looks like a low quality JPEG come to life. PSP games can look much better than this, and this is a game in which visuals are the only selling point. It completely defeats the object. 

I have tried to achieve and maintain an erection while playing Dead or Alive Paradise but it is difficult. In fact, it would be more erotic to watch a three-legged dog eating cold meat from a baby's lap. The game tries to turn us on, but even if the girls were taking full cocks up themselves, it still wouldn't be all that sexy. Especially with their horrific, squealing, infantile voices and boobs that move as if they have become self-aware. While it's completely unoriginal to say "just watch some porn" when talking about the Dead or Alive games, that doesn't mean it isn't true. The fact is that if you want to shoot your love piss everywhere, you don't need this game. Even if you're into Hentai, this should be so low on your to-do list that it doesn't even rank above wanking over Project A-KO. Not that I've ever done that. 

At the end of the day, there is no reason for this game. It's not fun to play, it's not sexually exciting, it's not ... anything. You're actually an idiot if you can orgasm while playing this. Now let's never speak of it again. 

Score: 1.0 -- Epic Fail (1s are the lowest of the low. There is no potential, no skill, no depth and no talent. These games have nothing to offer the world, and will die lonely and forgotten.)