Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Review: Dead or Alive Paradise

6:00 PM on 04.06.2010 // Jim Sterling
  @JimSterling

Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap.

No. 

Dead or Alive Paradise (PSP)
Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Koei Tecmo
Released: March 30, 2010
MSRP: $29.99

Dead or Alive Paradise leaves only questions in its wake. Is this supposed to be a videogame? Are we really meant to masturbate to this? Has anybody at Tecmo actually seen a breast in real life? It forces us to ask all these questions, and not once does it ever answer them. I don't know what Dead or Alive Paradise is supposed to be. It's clearly trying to appeal to fans of the female form, but the graphics are so poor and the breasts so supernatural that I can't imagine anybody being able to even generate pre-come after playing this for an hour, let along manipulate their glans to the point of full issue. 

The general premise is the same as always -- girls from the Dead or Alive franchise forget that they are battle-hardened pugilists and put on bikinis to walk around a beach all day. Taking on the role of one of these vapid bimbos with excruciating and worryingly child-like voices, players get to experience their dream vacation, befriending incredibly stupid women, giving and receiving material gifts, trying on different swimwear, and trying to pose for photographs even though their tits won't stay still long enough. 

The game is split into night and day. During the day, players can choose various locations and partake in a number of activities. None of the activities are very fun. They consist of inane and intellectually insulting minigames that barely work, like volleyball and "pool hopping." These games are all about numbly pressing buttons and hoping you win, except you're not hoping that hard because you're not emotionally invested in what's going on. It's hard to pay attention to minigames when you all can think about is how badly you want them to end. 

Other Dead or Alive characters will hang out at different locations where you will be able to give them gifts and try to "partner up" with them, presumably for potential lesbian shenanigans. Most of the time, the girls will accept your gift, then wrap it back up and give it to you at the end of the day as a return gift. These women are bitches, and gift-giving soon becomes a waste of time. Wait, what am I saying? That implies that there is a point during Paradise where something isn't a waste of time. 

Players can also shop for presents, accessories and bikinis, although again there's not much of a reason to do any of it. The main attraction is, of course, the photography section, where the women will swim, relax, or pose while you get to snap pictures like a creepy, quasi-pedophile stalker. There seems to be very little reward for doing so other than your own sexual satisfaction. So that means there is actually NO reward for doing this whatsoever. The very best you'll get is a momentary of pulse of blood through your shaft, and that's not enough to justify a purchase.

At night, players have the option to gamble at fruit machines, or play Blackjack and Poker. Since this is based on random luck, the game frequently robs you of your money. It's sad that the card games are the most enjoyable part of Dead or Alive Paradise, especially considering the fact that it is shit. That tells you just how miserable the rest of the game is. 

Bear in mind that the vast majority of the game is represented by static locations. You don't even get to walk around this island paradise. In fact, you only barely interact with your character even during the minigames. Most of the game is set out like a very poor adventure title, sans the adventure part, where you simply select locations without having direct control over anybody or anything. 

The worst part of it all, however, is the fact that Dead or Alive Paradise looks absolutely dreadful. For a game based entirely around eye candy, Paradise is a visual mess. Characters are poorly rendered, and the game is also very badly compressed, meaning that even if the game was better looking, it would still be full of artifacts that make the characters look like they're covered in blackheads. The FMVs have been reduced in quality so badly that they're nearly unwatchable, and the main game looks like a low quality JPEG come to life. PSP games can look much better than this, and this is a game in which visuals are the only selling point. It completely defeats the object. 

I have tried to achieve and maintain an erection while playing Dead or Alive Paradise but it is difficult. In fact, it would be more erotic to watch a three-legged dog eating cold meat from a baby's lap. The game tries to turn us on, but even if the girls were taking full cocks up themselves, it still wouldn't be all that sexy. Especially with their horrific, squealing, infantile voices and boobs that move as if they have become self-aware. While it's completely unoriginal to say "just watch some porn" when talking about the Dead or Alive games, that doesn't mean it isn't true. The fact is that if you want to shoot your love piss everywhere, you don't need this game. Even if you're into Hentai, this should be so low on your to-do list that it doesn't even rank above wanking over Project A-KO. Not that I've ever done that. 

At the end of the day, there is no reason for this game. It's not fun to play, it's not sexually exciting, it's not ... anything. You're actually an idiot if you can orgasm while playing this. Now let's never speak of it again. 

Score: 1.0 -- Epic Fail (1s are the lowest of the low. There is no potential, no skill, no depth and no talent. These games have nothing to offer the world, and will die lonely and forgotten.)




Jim Sterling, Former Reviews Editor
 Follow Blog + disclosure JimSterling Tips
Destructoid reviews editor, responsible for running and maintaining the cutting edge videogame critique that people ignore because all they want to see are the scores at the end. Also a regular f... more   |   staff directory



 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

Parismio avatarParismio
Woot! I hit 8888 comments!
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
FEAR and Resident Evil 4 were great action/horror games. It's a shame that nowadays such ideas either go one way or another. I would like to see a resurgence of that style where it's a scary/tense experience but the player has power and control.
ThrillDyl avatarThrillDyl
Hey, Dyltheman here, just telling that it is just me who changed their username. That is all, go about your day.
BaronVonSnakPak avatarBaronVonSnakPak
I just got into a beta (the email didn't mention NDA) for a moba on xbox one. I know what I'm doing tonight.
ikiryou avatarikiryou
I just took the Pewdiepie Undertale Playthrough Challenge - I managed to get through 2mins 29sec before getting a migraine and escaping the page. Where is my trophy or Vicodin reward oddammit???
LinkSlayer64 avatarLinkSlayer64
[img]http://i.imgur.com/5Yz281M.gif[/img]
Amna Umen avatarAmna Umen
Also I can't even see the comments anymore, anyone else having this issue...not that I will be able to see...I'M LOCKED INSIDE A BOX OF MY OWN THOUGHTS WITH NO ROCKET LEAGUE!
Amna Umen avatarAmna Umen
Rocket Leagues 1st Season just ended at 4PM EST. There aren't any ranked matches for right now...what am I going to do with my life?!?!
CoilWhine avatarCoilWhine
I GOT YAKUZA 3 IN THE MAIL! Gonna emulate 1 and 2 first but this is great news
TheBlondeBass avatarTheBlondeBass
Dragon Quest Builders seems to be selling well in Japan. Can we have a port plz?
Megas75 avatarMegas75
Ah, the good ol' wrasslin ads of old
OrochiLeona avatarOrochiLeona
OK you Streetfighting motherfuckers, Heres the scoop on which PS3 sticks/pads will work with the PS4 version of SFV, courtesy of the inventors of said tech, the marvellous people of Lab Zero http://skullgirls.com/2015/05/lab-zero-ps3-fight-stick-technolo
Solar Pony Django avatarSolar Pony Django
Waits for payment to go through so he can stream Bayonetta on Wii U this weekend. Any day now... Any day.
Alessa Leng avatarAlessa Leng
Been watching from the shadows for some time now. Time to Join in! Trying to finish Bravely Default in time to play Bravely Second... What are the games you're excited about for 2016?(even if it's just something u dream of...)
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
Been watching this show on hulu I feel like it would make for a kickass Platinum Game. Imagine playing through mostly as the supporting cast and beating the game on hard gives you Saitama for God Mode.
Mike Martin avatarMike Martin
Just saw Torchman's waifu... damn brah. Talk about shit...
Sir Shenanigans avatarSir Shenanigans
GUYS OLAF ISNT A MAN HES LITERALLY A FUCKING BEAR
Inquisitive Ravenclaw avatarInquisitive Ravenclaw
In only 5 days, the most romantic Holiday of the year will be upon us...
Larxinostic avatarLarxinostic
So, the notion kept hounding me that the new Pokemon, Magiana, had existed long before its recent unveiling... Then it hit me. [img]http://i.imgur.com/UhFmf63.png[/img]
Torchman avatarTorchman
Oh look, a picture of all your waifus in the place where they belong!
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -