On April 1, 2011, a prototype of Bio Force Ape, a 20-year-old canceled NES game, was made available online. It is a game in which you play a genetically altered chimpanzee in a diaper as he puts the hurt on various man-animal hybrids using pro wrestling moves. Had this been developed for modern consoles, you would expect Suda51 to appear somewhere in the credits.
Something this wild demands a review.
The game is clearly unfinished. However, rather than harp on the fidgety controls, poor collision detection, and painfully short play length, I instead wish to convey the feelings and emotions that stir up when experiencing such a long-lost treasure. Please forgive me in advance for this rather unorthodox review, but Bio Force Ape is a rather unorthodox game.
Bio Force Ape (NES)
Oh, hell naw, son! You did not just kidnap my family! I'm just a little chimp, what can I do? I should just go home and... pffft! Swiped your wonder juice with the quickness, Shaolin style! Monkey stealin' peaches, bitch! I'm fuckin' BEAST now and I'm comin' for your ass!
Oh, I see. This be kindergarten, right? Pushin' and shovin' like a little girl is the only way to feel like a big man. You think this fall will kill me? That shit may work on King Kong, but King Kong ain't got shit on me! Ain't that right, Denzel?
I'mma climb back up and slap your fat fuckin' face in a minute.
Sonic the Hedgehog think he got game, runnin' around with 16-bit "Blast Processing." Yeah? Well, 8-bit represent! I zip around like nuthin', I don't give two shits. Hell, I shit whenever I want, because I'm Bio Force Ape! I wear a diaper! I squeeze one out while I squeeze your head like a pimple!
You think I be playin'? You think I'm frontin'? Look at you, grown-ass man in a bee suit! This ain't Halloween!
I'mma be nice and help you out of the getup. It's a rather effective technique known as introducing your face to the concrete! Maybe next time you'll think twice 'bout runnin' your lip and checkin' yourself in the mirror before you leave the house in the morning!
I'm the real OG, homie! Step off!
Back on the scene, bitch! Remember me? 'Cause I definitely remember them sick thunder thighs! Come 'ere! I'mma toss you by your rings of fat, Akebono! That's right, I whip yokozuna like Reddi-wip, motha-fucka! Lemme see you bounce, jelly roll!
I'm the real Sgt. Slaughter! I'm BEAST!
Aaaaaaw shit! Mine cart madness up in here, baby! I don't even need to steer, I'm so impeccable! My game be infallible! Donkey Kong Country? Bitch, please! This is Bio Force Country! Tell Donkey to go and fiddle with his banana. I ain't got no time for no weaksauce Ringling Bros. bullshit.
I'm on a mission! This is my moment, my story!
DAYUM! What is this noise!? Kangaroo all jacked up! He got a human face for a crotch and human arms for legs. I'm sorry, but there be no room in the animal kingdom for your twisted ass. I got somethin' for you. Gimme a moment while I reach in my bag 'o tricks here and... SUPLEX!!!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! What are you doin' here, Michael Jordan!? This ain't no Windy City! His Airness best get the fuck outta here!
Oh, the clowns just keep a-comin'! Check out manigator over here! Using his jaw to walk upright... the hell is wrong with you? I don't believe in fairy tales! Hear that? Bigfoot and the chupacabra are waiting for you in the lobby. Don't keep 'em waiting. Here's my parting gift: a foot to the face!
Where's my challenge? Is there no man or beast who can keep up with me in the ring? Sorry-ass bitches should have just sent me my title belt via UPS. That way, I wouldn't have had to wreck your business, and everyone would have been happy. Stupid motha-fuckas...
Oh, whaaaaaaaaaat!? We doin' this crackerjack shit now? You steal MY family, make me get up from my nap and get my hands all dirty, and now you wanna play Simon Says? A'ight, sure. Simon says... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, BITCH!
One-hit fuckin' K to the O!
You don't mess with the Bio Force Ape! God DAMN, I'm hungry!
Score: 10 -- Flawless Victory (10s are as close to perfect as you will get in a genre or on a platform. Pure, untarnished videogame ecstasy.)
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12:00 AM on 01.24.2015