hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Review: Bio Force Ape

2:00 PM on 04.05.2011 // Tony Ponce
  @megaStryke

On April 1, 2011, a prototype of Bio Force Ape, a 20-year-old canceled NES game, was made available online. It is a game in which you play a genetically altered chimpanzee in a diaper as he puts the hurt on various man-animal hybrids using pro wrestling moves. Had this been developed for modern consoles, you would expect Suda51 to appear somewhere in the credits.

Something this wild demands a review.

The game is clearly unfinished. However, rather than harp on the fidgety controls, poor collision detection, and painfully short play length, I instead wish to convey the feelings and emotions that stir up when experiencing such a long-lost treasure. Please forgive me in advance for this rather unorthodox review, but Bio Force Ape is a rather unorthodox game.

Bio Force Ape (NES)
Developer: SETA
Publisher: SETA
Released: N/A
MSRP: N/A

Oh, hell naw, son! You did not just kidnap my family! I'm just a little chimp, what can I do? I should just go home and... pffft! Swiped your wonder juice with the quickness, Shaolin style! Monkey stealin' peaches, bitch! I'm fuckin' BEAST now and I'm comin' for your ass!

Oh, I see. This be kindergarten, right? Pushin' and shovin' like a little girl is the only way to feel like a big man. You think this fall will kill me? That shit may work on King Kong, but King Kong ain't got shit on me! Ain't that right, Denzel?

I'mma climb back up and slap your fat fuckin' face in a minute.

Sonic the Hedgehog think he got game, runnin' around with 16-bit "Blast Processing." Yeah? Well, 8-bit represent! I zip around like nuthin', I don't give two shits. Hell, I shit whenever I want, because I'm Bio Force Ape! I wear a diaper! I squeeze one out while I squeeze your head like a pimple!

You think I be playin'? You think I'm frontin'? Look at you, grown-ass man in a bee suit! This ain't Halloween!

I'mma be nice and help you out of the getup. It's a rather effective technique known as introducing your face to the concrete! Maybe next time you'll think twice 'bout runnin' your lip and checkin' yourself in the mirror before you leave the house in the morning!

I'm the real OG, homie! Step off!

Back on the scene, bitch! Remember me? 'Cause I definitely remember them sick thunder thighs! Come 'ere! I'mma toss you by your rings of fat, Akebono! That's right, I whip yokozuna like Reddi-wip, motha-fucka! Lemme see you bounce, jelly roll!

I'm the real Sgt. Slaughter! I'm BEAST!

Aaaaaaw shit! Mine cart madness up in here, baby! I don't even need to steer, I'm so impeccable! My game be infallible! Donkey Kong Country? Bitch, please! This is Bio Force Country! Tell Donkey to go and fiddle with his banana. I ain't got no time for no weaksauce Ringling Bros. bullshit.

I'm on a mission! This is my moment, my story!

DAYUM! What is this noise!? Kangaroo all jacked up! He got a human face for a crotch and human arms for legs. I'm sorry, but there be no room in the animal kingdom for your twisted ass. I got somethin' for you. Gimme a moment while I reach in my bag 'o tricks here and... SUPLEX!!!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! What are you doin' here, Michael Jordan!? This ain't no Windy City! His Airness best get the fuck outta here!

Oh, the clowns just keep a-comin'! Check out manigator over here! Using his jaw to walk upright... the hell is wrong with you? I don't believe in fairy tales! Hear that? Bigfoot and the chupacabra are waiting for you in the lobby. Don't keep 'em waiting. Here's my parting gift: a foot to the face!

Where's my challenge? Is there no man or beast who can keep up with me in the ring? Sorry-ass bitches should have just sent me my title belt via UPS. That way, I wouldn't have had to wreck your business, and everyone would have been happy. Stupid motha-fuckas...

Oh, whaaaaaaaaaat!? We doin' this crackerjack shit now? You steal MY family, make me get up from my nap and get my hands all dirty, and now you wanna play Simon Says? A'ight, sure. Simon says... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, BITCH!

One-hit fuckin' K to the O!

You don't mess with the Bio Force Ape! God DAMN, I'm hungry!

Score: 10 -- Flawless Victory (10s are as close to perfect as you will get in a genre or on a platform. Pure, untarnished videogame ecstasy.)


FTC disclosure: In all honesty, this game is waaaay too easy and the last level can go screw itself, but c'mon! You are a fuckin' wrestling ape in a diaper and you fight bee men and Michael Jordan!



Tony Ponce, Contributor
 Follow Blog + disclosure megaStryke Tips
(Decommissioned) Super Fighting Robot more   |   staff directory

 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our moderators, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

Shinta avatarShinta
[img]http://i.imgur.com/oZ7CQJa.jpg[/img]
nanashi avatarnanashi
Fallout Shelter: Impossible to Learn, Easy to Master.
Mike Wallace avatarMike Wallace
Not saying this is the case, but Kojima has gone on record as being a huge Mad Max: Fury Road fan. Konami decided to release MGSV on the same day as Mad Max TVG. They're trying piss on Kojima's lawn, man.
ooktar avatarooktar
Downloading Phantom Pain. ETA, 16 hours. Just in time for lunch tomorrow.
Mr Knives avatarMr Knives
OH WOW. Talk about a complete about face. After slogging through the horrid beginning and slow ass swap sequence this game picked up exponentially. So far, I'm enjoying the hell out of it now. All if forgiven. Thank you based Kojima.
Rad Party God avatarRad Party God
Oh, joyful night. [youtube]https://youtu.be/6EfhAFA2yFE[/youtube]
techsupport avatartechsupport
After a summer of on-and-off casual play, I've finally reached lv. 34 in Destiny :')
nanashi avatarnanashi
also Fallout Shelter just made me utter this: "I have to get these pregnancies done.." life is trivial in this game!
Mr Knives avatarMr Knives
Let it be known that Metal Gear 2 for MXS has aged horribly and is no fun to play. In the midst of a MGS marathon, looks like I'm skipping ahead to MGS.
Rad Party God avatarRad Party God
"Available: 31 August - This game will unlock in approximately 2 hours" HOLY SHIET! [youtube]https://youtu.be/9jK-NcRmVcw[/youtube]
nanashi avatarnanashi
-nudge nudge- hey Sony, discount Ys: I and II Chronicles and Ys: Seven on the PSP :D
RadicalYoseph avatarRadicalYoseph
Just out of curiosity, does anybody here still play Mario Kart 8 at all frequently?
Cosmonstropolis avatarCosmonstropolis
Neighbors ended up calling the cops. I hid under a cardboard box. Police officers were perplexed but went back to their patrol routes after a minute or so.
techsupport avatartechsupport
!a new MGS: Ground Zeroes update file auto dl'd and installed..the day prior to MGSV... hmm.. coincidence? OR... coincidence?
GoofierBrute avatarGoofierBrute
Just got an email from Nintendo saying that my Club Nintendo reward has been shipped and is on its way. Now it's the end of an era. *pours one out for Club Nintendo*
wutangclam avatarwutangclam
I've been thinking of starting up a criticism-minded "game of the month" type podcast. Would anyone be interested in something like that? If you'd wanna be part of it, let me know, I'm generating ideas and looking for contributors
CJ Andriessen avatarCJ Andriessen
Playing the most difficult strategy game ever: trying to figure out what order to beat your backlog in.
ChillyBilly avatarChillyBilly
Transient Ryu stays ripped by riding the rails and throwing other transients off of his rail cars - [IMG]http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b321/Felth/homeless%20ryu.jpg~original[/IMG]
OverlordZetta avatarOverlordZetta
I'm so, so sorry everyone. :(
kolten2 avatarkolten2
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJCiF5dBSpweeStTjOqu-uA/videos
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -