Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to view is footage of perhaps the most dangerous Nintendo fan who ever lived. While the delay of Super Smash Bros. has affected many of us in different ways, no man had taken it worse than this wretched soul.
After this video, in which he promised to be spending Valentine's Day with Metroid, and desperately declared that Geoffrey the Giraffe has never let his ass down, he left his place of rest, armed only with a plush Yoshi doll and a Wiimote, and raided the local GameStop where he was able to fatally bruise one employee and a small puppy outside before being shot by police. He was declared "pathetic on arrival," later that evening at the local hospital. He never got to take down Solid Snake with a Smash attack, like he'd longed to all his life.
This is a wake up call to Nintendo. This young man's life of wandering around his house, naked except for a red hat and a raccoon tail, was cut tragically short and it needn't have been, if Super Smash Bros. Brawl had only been released on schedule. His parents must live with the knowledge that their son released a video such as this on The Internet and that he died wearing Princess Peach underpants, all because of one game not hitting store shelves when it should have.
Was this a joke that went too far, or one man's sincere obsession leading him down a dark and demented path? We may never know the truth, but we do know that Brawl is going to be late, and that many more may die before this nightmare ends.
[Thanks to Ico's blog, and my good colleague Hamza, who was too distraught to write this post]
Mediatonic and Devolver Digital's Hatoful Boyfriend remake delayed until September
1:15 PM on 08.20.2014