A long time ago, we had Bits. Nobody knew what it meant at the time, but this one had 8, one 16, the other one had 64, and it was easy math to argue. Then came the damn Triangles and out went the fun with the console pissing wars. I say we bring that back. We need a new term of measurement to measure the overbearing use of specular lighting in these next-gen games. Gentlemen and robots, it's clear to me that we must swiftly to migrate to talking about games in terms of their *SBF* immediately. (For those of you not in the industry, that stands for "sweat-filled buckets per frame"). Video after the jump >>
I know what you're thinking. If it's "sweat filled buckets per frame" shouldn't it be SFBPF? No. What are you, a KMFDM roadie? Five letter buzzwords don't catch on unless you're secretly trashing Depeche Mode. For these kinds of things, you have to keep it short. There's another trick. You can suddenly write something like "Super. Butt. Fuck." (that shares the same initials) right in the middle of your article so the phrase is BURNED into the unsuspecting reader's mind. They'll now never forget what SBF doesn't stand for, but now has a convenient way to remember. And now you know how your mind works. What's SBF? Not Super Butt Fuck. Do that on your own time, we're supposed to be talking about Tekken 6 for the PS3.
You need not be an expert in the field to practice this. To measure SBF from home, watch this video in slow motion with your mouth open and imagine Jin's salty shower of sweat flying at you. As you cringe in disgust and your mouth shuts, imagine how many droplets snuck in that you're about to helplessly swallow. Apply that droplet ratio to a big plastic cleaning bucket - one per dripper. By my approximation, this game appears to have an SBF of about 8.7, whereas
Rockstar Paddleshit's characters are slightly less corn-on-the-cob looking and thus only gets a 6.3. The game that may score a perfect 10 is
the upcoming PS3 game LAIR, where a bunch of dragons spend the day doing cardio in the air in the dark ages pre-Lady Speedstick. Rough times back then, can't really fault them for that.
Anyway, all of these PS3 games are looking incredibly hot and shiny. I'm loving this trend. We look forward to doing a top 10 list of shameless developer who applies high SBF on polyboobs a la Ninja Gaiden... my bet is on the next game from Team Ninja. Like a Xtreme Volleyball sequel, which I understand is tentatively named Project Hooters Carwash.
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8:34 AM on 04.27.2006 | 
