Pre-E3 09: The big important to-do list

5:00 PM on 05.28.2009   |   Jim Sterling

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Tomorrow morning, I fly to LA in preparation for America's largest videogame event, the Electronic Entertainment Expo. This will actually be my very first E3 and I want to make sure I do things properly. It's a nerve-wracking prospect, but with the right preparation and frame of mind, I think I can handle it.

To help me, I have written a list of things I need to do at E3 in order to make sure that my time is spent productively, efficiently and with the best interests of my readers at mind. I've posted the to-do list here for my own personal use, as it'll be easy to find if it's on the frontpage of Destructoid. That's not a convoluted way of explaining why this is written like an article and not an actual to-do list. 

If you feel like being a nosy bastard who's sticking his nose into other people's business, feel free to read my personal list of things that must happen at E3.

1: Have sex with Nicole Wiebe

Steve Wiebe, the plucky Donkey Kong world record contender who shot to stardom after appearing in The King of Kong, will be at E3 in an attempt to reclaim the Donkey Kong World Record. Of course, where there is Steve Wiebe, there is also Nicole Wiebe, the steamy little strumpet who's going to get what's coming to her. Listeners of Podtoid will know of my long-standing lust love for Nicole, and my desire to shag her so hard that her cells deteriorate and she ages 100 years in 3 seconds give her the life she's always wanted, and I think this week might finally be the magic week. 

If, for some reason, I am unable to make fluffy-whoops-whoops with Nicole Wiebe, I have a backup plan. Plan B consists of me having sex instead with Steve, because if you have sex with someone who's had sex with someone you actually want to have sex with, that's as good as having sex with the person you're not having sex with. If Steve fails the world record attempt, which he probably will, he'll be all sad and vulnerable. The perfect state of mind for me to take advantage of him. 

2: Play Dynasty Warriors 7, 8 and 9

I have no idea yet what Koei is showing at E3, but as a big Dynasty Warriors lover I shall naturally be there for any announcements. I reckon this is the year that Koei just gives up the pretense and starts revealing Dynasty Warriors sequels in batches of three. That means I'll be playing Dynasty Warriors 7, Dynasty Warriors 8 and Dynasty Warriors 9 next week and I can't wait! 

3: Taste Reggie Fils-Aime

The jokes about Reggie Fils-Aime being made of living hamburger meat have to stop. For too long we have hypothesized that Reggie is the beefiest man in the games industry, with meatball eyes, BBQ sauce blood, and hamburger fists that can punch through walls. Some of you laughed at the constant meat puns, some of you had a real beef with it. To those who are fed up with the food jokes, I steak my reputation on the fact that these unsavory witticisms will meat with a gristly end. 

However, before the gags can stop, they must be brought to a head, and the only way to draw a close to the Reggie meat jokes is to finally put him to the taste test. At E3 I will have to find some way of sampling the NoA boss' flavors, with as little embarrassment as possible. There's no subtle way to jump a man from behind, pin him to the ground and try to lick his eyes before security arrives, but I'm sure I can carry it off with a sense of style.

If I fail to get my tongue on The Reginator, however, the meat jokes will have to be made twice as much.

4: Slap the Velvet Assassin developers in the face

I have a meeting with Southpeak at E3, and following our rather savage review of Velvet Assassin, I've been wondering how to tackle what may be an awkward acquaintance. I figured I wouldn't draw attention to it, just let Southpeak show me what's coming up, hopefully find out some neat stuff about Edge of Twilight, and then smack the Velvet Assassin developers right in their fucking faces. 

I think I'll be able to get out of the meeting without any issues that way. 

5: Steal A Helghast Suit

As always, Sony will be at E3 in full force, and knowing what Sony's like, they'll probably be talking about games that have been out for ages. My hope is that they'll have some people wandering around their booth dressed up in the sweet Helghast uniforms that I've always wanted. I should be able to lure one Helghast away from the booth with promises of sexual favors. Once in a secluded area where nobody is (ie, the Atari booth), I will hit him with something incredibly huge and heavy (ie, the Xbox 360 version of Metal Gear Solid 4, which will be crammed into 10,000 DVDs).

From there, it's a simple case of slathering my hulking, naked body in enough butter so I can attempt to fit into the uniform, then I return to the booth as if nothing is wrong and spend the rest of E3 patrolling Sony's section of the showfloor as if I were a normal Helghast, albeit one with lumps of pasty white flesh bubbling out of split seams and groaning, stretching plastic. 

6: Try to swap some Pokémon cards with Peter Molyneux

I heard that Peter Molyneux has a sparkly Mew card and I want to see if he'll swap it for my Chansey and a slightly creased Machop that I stole off some kid called Madeline McSomethingorother. Hopefully he'll go for the deal, and if he doesn't I'll throw a couple of Pogs and Mini Boglins into the bargain. There's no way in Hell I'll let him near my Trash Bag Bunch though.

7: Make Major Nelson and Jeff Rubenstein fight in a pit

They are the faces of their respective brands, the conduit between the community and the powers-that-be. Major Nelson is famous for his work as Xbox Live's Director of Programming, and Jeff Rubenstein is well-known as Sony's Social Media Manager and irreverent groundhog. Since the console wars will never be settled by conventional means, I have decided in my wisdom to let the reputation of the Xbox 360 and the PlayStation 3 rest on the fighting prowess of Nelson and Rubenstein, as we force them naked into a pit and make them battle like gladiators for the amusement of the attendees. 

One of them can have a trident and the other can have a net, and spectators will be able to bet on the outcome. They can also bring their own weapons and toss them into the pit (sensationally known as The Kill Hole) like some sort of ECW match. The battle will naturally be to the death, and the victor will have his console of choice crowned the winner for all time. Any who sided with the opposing system will have to pay a tribute to the winning platform holder of fifteen groats and five-square acres of land. If the land is on a three-year crop rotation cycle, tribute payment may instead be made with livestock.

8: Give Jeff Gerstmann a cuddle

I once saw Jeff Gerstmann in the distance at the Tokyo Game Show but I wasn't entirely sure if it was him so I did not give him a cuddle as it might have looked weird. This is something I have bitterly regretted, to the point where I almost considered throwing myself out of the plane on the way back home. In the days since I let the opportunity slide, I have tried making my own cuddly Jeff Gerstmann out of the softest materials in the land such as bread and lucky rabbit feet. Unfortunately, nothing came close.

E3 is where I make up for my incompetence and finally give Jeff Gerstmann a great big cuddle. It will be really, really lovely. 

9: Wittily make a "mostly come at night, mostly" reference when talking about Aliens vs Predator

Sega will be showing off Aliens vs. Predator this year, and as you may know by now, I have a massive bonk-on for all things Xenomorph. To celebrate this, I will make some completely original and hilarious reference to how Aliens "mostly come at night, mostly," which everybody in attendance, from the booth girls to the surrounding games press, will laugh at heartily, amidst elated shouts of "I've never heard of such winsome hilarity" and "Just HOW does he do it?"

The crowd will lift me up on their shoulders and carry me through the LA Convention Center, chanting my name. As we pass each booth, others will break away from what they were doing and join the procession, everybody slapping hands and cheering and simply celebrating me, whom they have crowned as their new royal sovereign and president for life of all Los Angeles, which will be renamed Sterling State in honor of the brilliant thing I did.  

Eventually, surrounding states of the East Coast will hear tell of my heroic deed and throw in their lot with Sterling State, until eventually almost 50% of America belongs to me. The recession in Sterling-controlled states will disappear as the people grow fat and rich off a land bursting with prosperity, success and mostly coming at night, mostly. Those states alligned with the traditional American powers, including Utah, where the capital was moved after Washington sided with me, shall become weak and impoverished, unable to defend themselves in the ensuing civil war. 

I will march into Utah atop a gilded elephant, where a weeping and humiliated Barack Obama shall officially concede and declare me Emperor of Sterlingrad. It is then that I shall be assassinated by a dissident who felt my Aliens joke was contrived and forced. The land shall dissolve into chaos, bringing about an age of feudalism. Eventually, Sterling loyalists will get their hands upon long-forgotten nuclear arms and detonate them, bringing about the destruction of America. 

In the post-nuke ashes of a ruined America, scavengers shall tell of a ghostly apparition that haunts the wreckage of the former LA Convention Center. His body is muscular and his hair is flowing and golden. He is of course the dead Emperor of Sterlingrad, who now stalks the earth and sobs with great sadness at that which his people have done. Some say they see him in the morning, some say they see him in the afternoon. Those that have truly witnessed the sorrowful spectre knows however that he mostly comes at night. 

Mostly. 

10: Play some videogames n' that

If I have time.