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[Editor's note: LukienAkeela shares with us how playing with himself helped him deal with some bad times. -- CTZ]

The summer of 2005 was hot. There were record breaking temperatures and droughts set in Central Missouri. I was there as a part of AmeriCorps *NCCC, part of a nine person team working for a non-profit after school center known as The Intersection. For six weeks we toiled in the boiling sunlight on beautification projects for their property during the day. During the evening we were program coordinators, working with the kids after school. At all other times we nearly broke, bored twenty-something’s with nothing to do.

Our home was a single story two bedroom house. It was in a neighborhood with a median household income of less than $12,000. Out of the 90,000+ population in the city, 47% of the people around us were at or below the poverty line. We were next to a seedy Dollar General and across from a gas station with a buy-one get-one deal on Colt 40’s. Also, our house was previously occupied by squatters. It showed.

For many reasons, few of which I’ll go into here, it was the most depressing and stressful six weeks of my short 25-year-old life. I was almost always broke, living on $1.00 pizzas and Dollar General brand rip offs of Dr. Pepper and Mt. Dew. As a result of working two shifts and having the weekends off, I had a lot of time to contemplate the struggles with the project and our surrounding environment. It was a suffocating, dark place for me to be in. I needed an escape from the drug dealers walking their poodles, the murders (one little boy across the street, another was a grandma beaten to death in a gang dispute three houses down), and the constant reminder that I couldn’t do anything about it.

Sweeping to the rescue was a little square grey piece of escapist joy. The Nintendo Game Boy Advance SP and a game called Final Fantasy Tactics Advance.


Almost every single hour of free time I had was spent in the fictional world of Ivalice. My journey began when Marche and friends began their own journey after opening that magical book. It was in the small shade of our dilapidated stoop that I learned about Judges and hating getting my characters out of jail. Deep into the night, amidst police lights and subwoofers, I would pump my fist for unlocking the Ninja class and cursing when my lame low-level Archer couldn’t complete a Dispatch mission. My scuffed and scarred GBA always welcomed me with open arms. After spending an afternoon with homeless, mentally unstable folks accusing me of being a Nixon clone … I needed it.

Hmm...maybe I was smoking something else?

My teammates made fun of me, alternating between calling me a little kid (for playing videogames so much) and an old man (for spending my evenings at home instead of bar hopping). I shrugged off the comments, too focused on trying to get Cheney after receiving the Snake Shield. My happy memories from that time came from opening new locations on the map and grinding them into oblivion. Cheap soda and cheap smokes fueled my solitary and decidedly sedentary trek through the Lutia Pass, Muscadet, and Uladon Bog. Sitting in my flower-themed camping chair, all by my lonesome, was the foundation for my sanity.


One hundred and twenty hours was spent over six weeks battling monsters and advancing a simplistic plot. Without the ability to sit there and play a game by myself, I wouldn’t have made it through that period. I would have quit AmeriCorps in shame and gone home to quiet anonymity. As an aside, I also wouldn’t have continued my relationship with my future wife. Moreover, there is a soon to be born little girl that would have never happened. I have a lot to be thankful for that GBA and cartridge of hope.

Sorry Ritz, her name will be Claire.

People play games for all types of reasons. In many ways it starts and continues as a social interaction with friends and strangers. For others, they are simply a way to escape the world and nurse a bruised psyche. For me it was a need to get away from it all. Ivalice was my freedom from the poverty and destitution of a thankless endeavor. It was the epitome of escapism.








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15 comments | showing # 1 to 15
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Tony Ponce's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/23/2009 09:48
Tony Ponce
I did something similar in high school. My youth group along with groups across the country went to Orlando to paint houses and serve as counselors in day camps for underprivileged children. We slept in the classrooms of a middle school emptied for the summer, cramming twenty or so dudes in a room. Even though the work camp was only a week long instead of six weeks, I can understand what it must have been like.

I'm glad I had my GBA with me to pass the downtime. My weapon of choice was Golden Sun. Good times.
casualweaponry's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 11:08
casualweaponry
Awesome story. My GBA has seen me through some tough times too. A little escapism goes a loooooong way.
OutrageousToob's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 11:31
OutrageousToob
Cool story dude...

I'm 25 myself and at the tender age of seven (1990/1991) my parents divorced, leaving me, my mom, and my little brother completely and utterly poverty stricken. My dad stole her savings, sold the house, and vanished, leaving us to live in an run-down studio apartment (my mom was still in school). I'd spend my weekends playing Iron Sword, Faxanadu, Double Dragon, and Super Mario Brothers 3 (usually while listening to Alice in Chains, Metallica, and Soundgarden). The NES was the nicest thing we owned... though we bought it (plus those four games) at a garage sale for super cheap. Anyway, thank god my stepdad rescued us from another year in that roach hole.
ZombiePlatypus's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 11:35
ZombiePlatypus
Good for you for sticking with it, man. I've never had a game that I relied on like that for anything, but lots of others do. I think my escapism has usually been more for pure fun than it has been for trying to get my mind off things...
Oh, and congrats on the baby...
GamingGoddess's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 11:49
GamingGoddess
Wow, I played FFTA during a pretty dark time in my life too and it helped me out a lot. I wonder what it is about that game?

Great story, I'm glad things seem to be heading in a much more positive direction for you now-- although don't be so down on Dollar General! That store saved my life when I lived in upstate NY ^_~.
lelk's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 12:08
lelk
i love all the fftactics games. recently got myself re-hooked on fallout tactics due to the cold weather outside and me being piss broke..
Diverse's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 12:33
Diverse
Marche is the greatest villain in the history of video games.
welkstar's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 13:38
welkstar
It's interesting to think about the relationship between the story of the children in FFTA vs your story. Ivalice was their escape as well.
kavorka's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 14:12
kavorka
Great introspective. I quite FFTA about 50 hours in, makes me want to pick it up again. I didn't fare well with the 'laws' concept, maybe now that I've made my schooling/professional choice in that area, I'd fare better.

Also @lelk: Fallout Tactics FTW!!
Chronic Logic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 16:11
Chronic Logic
PLAYING WITH YOURSELF EH? All lonely with your video games? Your only friend is a console. Don't you wish you can escape into the video games you were playing? Does this sound like a cliche moment of a person wishing to escape into fantasy realm?
Chronic Logic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/27/2009 16:16
Chronic Logic


LOOK AT THAT SEXY ASS!
IpcressFiles's Avatar - Comment posted on 03/07/2009 17:16
IpcressFiles
Good piece of writing; the contrast of the chaos outside your window and how your game playing helped you through a difficult time.
milphonoword14's Avatar - Comment posted on 06/14/2011 17:49
milphonoword14
mince and mash it between their teeth, as if they had some base cause buy femara
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