Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Playing With Yourself: Isolation, puberty, incest, and old prisons

1:00 PM on 02.10.2009 // nukka jdav

[nukka jdav talks about how games got him through life for his Playing With Yourself Monthly Musing blog. -- CTZ]

The Old Prison in Deer Lodge, MT. A giant castle-like structure that was meant to keep murderers, thieves, other non-Catholics at bay and out of our sweet, harmless little town. A simple cruise down the main street drag provides any passerby with a glimpse into our glorious past, sometimes accompanied by a slight chill. People always try to remember the good times, when the city was bustling. It was actually running against Helena for the privilege of being Montana’s state capitol.

Yet, as if by Murphy’s Law, during the peak of Deer Lodge’s fortune, mines in Butte and Anaconda started dying down. Jobs were getting scarce so miners were leaving. Future prisoners were heading off in all directions, to places actually worth getting in trouble at. Deer Lodge, a town that ironically depended on the “filth” of the state to survive, was now dying at the feet of the men and women they imprisoned.

Deer Lodge is now a hollow shell of what it once was. Beautiful, but in the way a museum is beautiful. The streets and buildings always look dirty as if they’ve just been collecting dust, waiting for someone to find them. It’s rare to see anyone actually walking the streets and if you do it’s just from one bar to the next. The prison is still near town, maybe eight miles out, but transportation advances disallow Deer Lodge to keep the jobs for its citizens. There is also a sawmill in town now, but it’s destined to close as well. This place is empty, there is nothing really new. Only people who live in the past. Only people who cling so dearly to memories. If anything new does appear then it is immediately rejected. Such things tarnished the perfect memories of the townsfolk. Such things didn’t belong.

My family and I moved from Roberts, MT to Deer Lodge in 1990. I was just over one year old and obviously unaware of the change. Growing up was normal. I went to school in a class of about seventy kids all the way through high school. My friends and I were the “funny kids” of the town, always doing something outrageous, but never offensive. Those things were never videogames. Deer Lodge seemed to be lost, out of the technological loop. This was obvious through the ways they were regarded at school. It was strange how the second generation of the downfall of the city were so steadfast with their parents’ values and traditions. If you played games, you were a threat to these things. I always thought it was almost creepy, like Deer Lodge was straight out of the twilight zone. Everyone had these fake ways of going about things. I’m sure my parents even thought it was weird since they too had never truly belonged to the place. The tightly-knit social orders of middle-aged women and men were incredibly demeaning towards any outsiders. These ways were carried on by their replicant children throughout school, but passively.

Videogames became a large part of my life after I realized that Deer Lodge wasn’t really a place I could relate to. I loved the countryside and the location in its entirety, but the people living there always seemed to depress me. As I grew up, I learned something new about the Deer Lodge family tree every day. It seemed almost everyone was related and it seemed almost no one was leaving. The reality of this made me sad, if only because these people seemed too scared to go anywhere with their lives. The widespread insecurity and hopelessness tends to rub off on you. I knew I would do more with my life, but for the time being there weren’t many places to go to escape the metaphorical blanket of incest over the town. I would often turn to my family for support, for they too were facing the same situation as me just maybe not as philosophically. Their comfort was welcomed, but it was easy to grow tired of it during puberty. I felt a natural rift between my family and my feelings, so I turned to where else, but videogames.

The Gamecube was my first actual console. I knew it was in third place, but at that time being a Nintendo fanboy meant something to me. Hell, being different in general meant something to me. Ever since I became aware of the lifelong trends generations of families had lived by in Deer Lodge, I wanted to separate myself from the pack. Super Smash Bros. was a favorite of mine. I knew it was designed for multiplayer, but I played it alone religiously. While I played I became these characters. I identified with them. They didn’t fuck each other and they were all unique in their own magical way. The pressures of leaving this place and the confusion of the hair growing on my balls melted away. Nothing mattered and I became happy, truly and utterly happy. Years went by playing games alone. I didn’t mind, it was my “special place”. I ignored my problems and worries day after day, locking myself in my room, leaving my father to wonder if had started tossing off yet or if I was truly that much different from everyone else.

Luckily the problems I ignored throughout puberty weren’t real problems. I had played these games long enough to ease myself through what is supposed to be the most confusing time of my life. My parents were somewhat baffled to see that I kept my straight A’s, never rebelled, or got angry with them through those years like my sister had. They wondered what I did different and probably just assumed it was the furious amount of masturbation I had gone through that eased my “teenage woe”. I don’t think they will ever admit or even come to realize that it was the videogames.

As I got older my friends started to change. They were no longer replicants of their parents’ supposedly immortal generation. They started to think for themselves and open up to new ideas. This seemed inevitable with what an important role technology has played this decade. Deer Lodge was not keeping up with the times and only now, were people starting to realize it. The changes were small, but were the first spark of a new life Deer Lodge had seen in decades. The school got brand new computers, a Radioshack/Internet café opened up downtown, and most local businesses went electronic or internet based entirely. Deer Lodge was still quiet, but a walk downtown now displayed a hushed whisper, not silence. New people started moving to town from all over the country. The average class size was back up to seventy, no longer a depressing thirty. Would the change be permanent? I’m not sure, but as senior in high school I took it as a strangely encouraging gesture from fate.

The majority of the time I spent gaming that year was with friends. It wasn’t a conscious effort, it just seemed to be that way. I now realize the social aspects of it that I had been missing out on. They were hands down, the best gaming experiences in my life. Regardless though, I’ll never forget about how playing with myself helped me grow ball hair peacefully. I’ll never forget how it helped me escape the harsh and depressing realities of my small, yet beautiful community and its seemingly hopeless residents. I’ll never forget about how those games encouraged me to be unique in any way I could, but sometimes I do try to forget that I’m here, on Destructoid, as a hardcore gamer, writing this piece for you folks, because my neighbor fucked his sister.

nukka jdav,
 Follow Blog + disclosure

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.

 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding * to your whitelists.

Status updates from C-bloggers

SeymourDuncan17 avatarSeymourDuncan17
I wish the Squid Girl outfit was still a dress for boys. I want to live through my Inkling boy and be a cute girly-man, dammit. [img][/img]
Zer0t0nin avatarZer0t0nin
Goshdarnit...just stood in front of the camera to record an intro for the advent calender thingy and actually got stage fright >.>
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
Well, it seemed like for two seconds people were finally going to give Star Fox a fair shake, but nope! GameXplain's YouTube audience seem pretty insistent that it's just a Star Fox 64 clone down to the graphics. Sometimes I just don't understand peopl
Dr Mel avatarDr Mel
I don't think it will happen, but if the NX is turns out to be a VR device, I will be the saddest boy in the milky way.
Mike Martin avatarMike Martin
There's something so fucking delicious about a toasted Hawaiian roll, smoked ham, Swiss, some spinach and a dollop of mustard. #FatKidPosts
Still in work clothes.
Gamemaniac3434 avatarGamemaniac3434
Welp, wrote up a blog for that there bloggers wanted. Its me bitching about Bioshock Infinite! Again! Yay!!!!!!
Sr Churros avatarSr Churros
Just finished watching The Phantom Menace. Yeah, Jar Jar is as bad as people say. Baby Vader is so cute and also kicks some serious ass. One of the best lightsaber battles of the series, if not the best one. It was pretty neat!
Roxas1359 avatarRoxas1359
Can't decide where I should upload my latest project. Either on my YouTube Channel or on Game Anyone. On the one hand YouTube gets more exposure, but Game Anyone is where some of my more popular walkthroughs are. The game is 3D Land if anyone is wondering
Fuzunga avatarFuzunga
Thanksgiving dinner for days!
OverlordZetta avatarOverlordZetta
Anyone know if the Bethesda games on sale on Amazon for a certain amount of time, or through Monday?
TysonOfTime avatarTysonOfTime
In light of the fact that Xenoblade Chronicles X is fast approaching, I suggest we start planning out a Destructoid Squad! NNID is TysonOfTime. From what I've heard, it doesn't appear Squads are region locked (except for Japan), so everyone's welcome!
Jed Whitaker avatarJed Whitaker
Typing of the Dead > all other typing games.
Lawman avatarLawman
Listening to this on a Tall Oaks level of RE: Revelations 2's Raid Mode is entrancing, for some reason.
EdgyDude avatarEdgyDude
Need a reason to support Indivisible? Shantae is in it!. Back it or spread the word, every bit of help counts.
KeithTheGeek avatarKeithTheGeek
Sometimes I miss how hilariously janky Brawl was, and I still have a lot of fun playing it. Not sure if I could ever take it seriously as a competitive game, but I want to enter at least one Brawl tournament in the future. You know, if I can find one.
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
I love how on a slow news day I can always turn to Qposts for something else to read and think about. Keep up the mojo fellas!
Rad Party God avatarRad Party God
I finally caved in to those sweet deals, got Shantae and The Pirate's Curse, Downwell and Super House of Dead Ninjas :)
CoilWhine avatarCoilWhine
I hope that Prototype runs better on my dad's old laptop than it does on my AMD gaming rig. Some badly coded games run like ass on AMD cards.
LinkSlayer64 avatarLinkSlayer64
Please spare me from issues in the process of publishing my blog! Especially since I modified CSS to unnecessarily pseudo-crop an image, and make it so some images float next to text, and make it look decent on mobile. I'm a frickin' nerd, love it.
more quickposts



Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme

Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -