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Reader Kariomart emailed me with the above video, explaining that he was unsure if the entire concept was a joke or if this was a serious, sincere venture. The game in question is called The Zoo Race, and is a Christian game somehow based on Noah's Ark, except people in a library turn into animals and then race while what I can only presume is the voice of God oversees the whole sordid, twisted, horrifying affair. Yeah, Christian games are always works of insane genius.

As far as I can tell, the developer is just a very nice man(iac) who really wanted to share his vision of racing animals with the world. As you can tell from the video however, the results make it look more like someone handed him a bag of cocaine and a Quake mod and said "Go crazy."

THE ZOO RACE game is basically a foot race from start to finish.  The players must start at the starting line and then be the first to finish at the finish line. The goal is to win the race. There are many obstacles and strategies of each racetrack, however, to avoid or take advantage of depending on your player type.

... If playing on the “Hannah’s Heights” or when running on the “Moon” itself though, then be careful of the crows there and them dropping their crow poop on the ground towards you.  Do not mistake the food for the crow poop, because eating crow poop results in a speed penalty, which will slow you down. 

Sadly, I couldn't get the demo from the official site to load for me, but if you want to try your hand at this interactive anthropomorphic horror show, then by all means share your experiences. As for me, I'm going to keep laughing at the line, "I'm a horse now," while wondering what exactly Reuben was doing behind that desk.

Why do they send all the LSD-inspired stuff to me?


Continue: More WHAAAAAAT? stories





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64 comments | showing # 1 to 50

Justin Villasenor's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:45
Justin Villasenor
God wasn't a very enthusiastic race announcer.
13thDragon's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:46
13thDragon
The PIG has a HAT on his HEAD!!!!!

NO WAI!!!!


Seriously, this is really creepy.
13thDragon's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:46
13thDragon
Does anyone have an mp3 of the theme song? This is a serious question.
Joseph Leray's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:52
Joseph Leray
I could only watch about 2 minutes of it, and I was already creeped out. wtfuck?
Pedro Blandino's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:53
Pedro Blandino
thats just terrible.
chief blaze's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:53
chief blaze
god CAN do anything. just like chief blaze.
13thDragon's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:54
13thDragon
Noah's Story mp3 download:
http://www.myspace.com/cougarinteractive

The song playing at the end of the video.

"The Ark did rest and it came to a stop
The door opened with a great big hop
On a hill top"

This is EPIC! EPIC I tell you!
DynamicSheep's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 22:58
DynamicSheep
Q: Why do people think that they can make games without talent?

A: It's not people, it's God. He can do anything... just not well. Jack of all trades, master of none.
ToxinBlackheart's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:01
ToxinBlackheart
I've never heard a rhinoceros go "WEEEH."

I'm truly afraid to try the demo.
Origim's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:04
Origim
No I cant decide whats crazier, this or the Tom Cruise video. Mind altering subsatances where involved in the making of both I'm thinking.
Necros's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:08
Necros
I can't tell if this is more insulting to Christians or game developers.
Necros's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:08
Necros
I can't tell if this is more insulting to Christians or game developers.
joemoemino's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:13
joemoemino
So this is how Noah decided which pair of animals got let on the ark...
Backspace529's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:16
Backspace529
Damn that librarian and her persistence at reading books containing historical facts!

Fucking cunt.
s0lesurviv0r's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:28
s0lesurviv0r
Time to amend my get rich plan.

1. Learn basic (very basic) 3d modeling and programming skills.
2. Find a group of idiotic religious zealots to pitch a halfassed game idea too. (convince them that they're target audience is deaf 3 year olds.)
3. ???
4. PROFIT!
s0lesurviv0r's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:28
s0lesurviv0r
Time to amend my get rich plan.

1. Learn basic (very basic) 3d modeling and programming skills.
2. Find a group of idiotic religious zealots to pitch a halfassed game idea too. (convince them that they're target audience is deaf 3 year olds.)
3. ???
4. PROFIT!
Sharpless's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:32
Sharpless
I started giggling like a madman, when the woman started walking. And when they ran into the cannons. This is horrifying.

Ye gads, what the hell were these people thinking? Why are "mainstream" Christians so dense? And why is "God" apparently on drugs?
Trowble's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:34
Trowble
From 2:37 to 2:40, the beastiality guy popping out of the desk sounding like a toilet bowl flushing and the librarians face was just some funny shit.

God the sounded like a duller version of Ben Stein and I didn't even know that was possible. Also, Ms. Condescending Atheist Librarian ended up winning the race, that batch!

Why did I watch most of that video?
Fading Star's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:35
Fading Star
"Why do they send all the LSD-inspired stuff to me?"

Because they love you?
B5512's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:38
B5512
Hannah's expression @ 2:40 = priceless
Jim Sterling's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/16/2008 23:56
Jim Sterling
Fading_Star: And I love them, for cereal. This is probably the best video ever made.
kariomart's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:02
kariomart
Don't miss out on the Zoo Race dance party video and the Noah's Ark sister game! Equally insane!
B-Radicate's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:09
B-Radicate
Anyone else wondering why the animals were so tiny? A rhino the size of a house cat? God CAN do anything!
Aerox's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:19
Aerox
That heathen bitch Hannah has a one way ticket to Hell.
frygar's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:28
frygar
Wolf Quest or this. This terrible, terrible, this.
blu3steel's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:31
blu3steel
This can't be real. From their store under the soundtrack:

"Surprise your friends with some new music songs that they have not heard before. Play it in your car! Each Audio CD contains both vocal and also musical versions of each song. So sing along and let's celebrate and have a party!"

"Music songs"?!?!
freeman1's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:46
freeman1
Game of the year
bleep's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:50
bleep
WOW is all I can say WOW
cainball's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 00:58
cainball
Good to see a Christian game adopting the theory of evolution. Shame they got it around the wrong way.
Aldrenean's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:07
Aldrenean
So I downloaded the demo... Pretty amazing stuff there. I got to race through poorly-defined tracks as a stuttering, barely-animated cougar with a Long John Silver's paper hat, eating "Mellons" and Oranges, and sometimes jumping some hundreds of feet in the air, all the while having God bellow at me about people being "THROWN INTO A LAKE OF FIRE." The amazing Race mode, however, pales in comparison to the Creature Party. Here, you can play several songs that must surely be hits in the Christian MIDI community, including Love The Lord Your God. A short introductory sequence shows the Creatures coming back from a long day of what is presumably racing for the glory of God, into their barn/library shelter, where they dance with either God, Noah, or some other biblical figure. I can't really tell which, they all have flowing white hair and a sackcloth robe.

Really worth downloading. I think I'll ask for the full version for my birthday.
Krazian's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:10
Krazian
I totally couldn't stop laughing when Reuben popped up from behind the desk. Hannah's reaction made it even more EPIC.

I'm praying ;p that this is a multi-platform release!
inque's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:12
inque
Is this worse than that Animal soccer game for the ps2 that was posted here a few weeks ago??
ZekeThePlumber's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:12
ZekeThePlumber
I hear you unlock a Jesus Raptor if you get gold trophies in all the circuits for all cups.
Ratcliff's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:16
Ratcliff
"I could never race, I'm too small and thin and weak."

Sounds like anti-woman bible stuff to me...
13thDragon's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:16
13thDragon
GIS for "Jesus Raptor" :

Krazian's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:16
Krazian
I just checked out their website and noticed they have an award tab. It had me falling out of my chair laughing. All the awards are for uploading a file that doesn't have a virus to these unknown file hosting websites lol.
tsunamikitsune's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:18
tsunamikitsune
Holy shit, this is hilarious. I think the pig in the top hat is what broke me to the point of laughing for five minutes straight.
Covertpoet's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:31
Covertpoet
cant believe i just played that!!! wow simply wow
SourGr8pes's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:32
SourGr8pes
Screw you God! I can eat all the crow poop I want!
timmet's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:34
timmet
I have just gazed upon the work of a brilliant master. Either that or the guy is just a schizophrenic lathered in a good deal of crazy sauce.
Covertpoet's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 01:34
Covertpoet
this game just destory any chance of good christian game developers chance of being taken seriously....i mean who knew noah knew how to build rockets.....?
KraazyCraig's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 04:03
KraazyCraig
i wish god would turn me into a horse so i could race
Mxyzptlk's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 04:26
Mxyzptlk
What has Jesus done?
Cheeburga's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 05:14
Cheeburga
Not as good as wolf quest.
Silverhertz's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 05:33
Silverhertz
God would be proud. Either that or very soon were all going to be smited.
Jonathan Holmes's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 05:37
Jonathan Holmes
That ruled.

Jesus should make more shovelware. It's been a while.
Zelnor's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 05:54
Zelnor
Okay, this game would make my faith swivel to the side - but fortunately it doesn't. No wonder christians are viewed too often as nutsacks - the extremists and shitty game makers don't help the cause.
Ichigo Style's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 06:31
Ichigo Style
Seen this around. In fact, contemplated ordering it about a month and a half ago just to see how god awful it was.
that1guy's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/17/2008 07:30
that1guy
This was so bad...so... so... bad. I'm thinking the video itself could be used as some form of torture.
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