Reader Kariomart emailed me with the above video, explaining that he was unsure if the entire concept was a joke or if this was a serious, sincere venture. The game in question is called
The Zoo Race, and is a Christian game somehow based on Noah's Ark, except people in a library turn into animals and then race while what I can only presume is the voice of God oversees the whole sordid, twisted, horrifying affair. Yeah, Christian games are always works of insane genius.
As far as I can tell, the developer is just a very nice man(iac) who really wanted to share his vision of racing animals with the world. As you can tell from the video however, the results make it look more like someone handed him a bag of cocaine and a Quake mod and said "Go crazy."
THE ZOO RACE game is basically a foot race from start to finish. The players must start at the starting line and then be the first to finish at the finish line. The goal is to win the race. There are many obstacles and strategies of each racetrack, however, to avoid or take advantage of depending on your player type.
... If playing on the “Hannah’s Heights” or when running on the “Moon” itself though, then be careful of the crows there and them dropping their crow poop on the ground towards you. Do not mistake the food for the crow poop, because eating crow poop results in a speed penalty, which will slow you down.
Sadly, I couldn't get the demo from the official site to load for me, but if you want to try your hand at this interactive anthropomorphic horror show, then by all means share your experiences. As for me, I'm going to keep laughing at the line, "I'm a horse now," while wondering what exactly Reuben was doing behind that desk.
Why do they send all the LSD-inspired stuff to me?
God wasn't a very enthusiastic race announcer.
The PIG has a HAT on his HEAD!!!!!
NO WAI!!!!
Seriously, this is really creepy.
Does anyone have an mp3 of the theme song? This is a serious question.
I could only watch about 2 minutes of it, and I was already creeped out. wtfuck?
thats just terrible.
god CAN do anything. just like chief blaze.
Noah's Story mp3 download:
http://www.myspace.com/cougarinteractive
The song playing at the end of the video.
"The Ark did rest and it came to a stop
The door opened with a great big hop
On a hill top"
This is EPIC! EPIC I tell you!
Q: Why do people think that they can make games without talent?
A: It's not people, it's God. He can do anything... just not well. Jack of all trades, master of none.
I've never heard a rhinoceros go "WEEEH."
I'm truly afraid to try the demo.
No I cant decide whats crazier, this or the Tom Cruise video. Mind altering subsatances where involved in the making of both I'm thinking.
I can't tell if this is more insulting to Christians or game developers.
I can't tell if this is more insulting to Christians or game developers.
So this is how Noah decided which pair of animals got let on the ark...
Damn that librarian and her persistence at reading books containing historical facts!
Fucking cunt.
Time to amend my get rich plan.
1. Learn basic (very basic) 3d modeling and programming skills.
2. Find a group of idiotic religious zealots to pitch a halfassed game idea too. (convince them that they're target audience is deaf 3 year olds.)
3. ???
4. PROFIT!
Time to amend my get rich plan.
1. Learn basic (very basic) 3d modeling and programming skills.
2. Find a group of idiotic religious zealots to pitch a halfassed game idea too. (convince them that they're target audience is deaf 3 year olds.)
3. ???
4. PROFIT!
I started giggling like a madman, when the woman started walking. And when they ran into the cannons. This is horrifying.
Ye gads, what the hell were these people thinking? Why are "mainstream" Christians so dense? And why is "God" apparently on drugs?
From 2:37 to 2:40, the beastiality guy popping out of the desk sounding like a toilet bowl flushing and the librarians face was just some funny shit.
God the sounded like a duller version of Ben Stein and I didn't even know that was possible. Also, Ms. Condescending Atheist Librarian ended up winning the race, that batch!
Why did I watch most of that video?
"Why do they send all the LSD-inspired stuff to me?"
Because they love you?
Hannah's expression @ 2:40 = priceless
Fading_Star: And I love them, for cereal. This is probably the best video ever made.
Don't miss out on the Zoo Race dance party video and the Noah's Ark sister game! Equally insane!
Anyone else wondering why the animals were so tiny? A rhino the size of a house cat? God CAN do anything!
That heathen bitch Hannah has a one way ticket to Hell.
Wolf Quest or this. This terrible, terrible, this.
This can't be real. From their store under the soundtrack:
"Surprise your friends with some new music songs that they have not heard before. Play it in your car! Each Audio CD contains both vocal and also musical versions of each song. So sing along and let's celebrate and have a party!"
"Music songs"?!?!
Game of the year
WOW is all I can say WOW
Good to see a Christian game adopting the theory of evolution. Shame they got it around the wrong way.
So I downloaded the demo... Pretty amazing stuff there. I got to race through poorly-defined tracks as a stuttering, barely-animated cougar with a Long John Silver's paper hat, eating "Mellons" and Oranges, and sometimes jumping some hundreds of feet in the air, all the while having God bellow at me about people being "THROWN INTO A LAKE OF FIRE." The amazing Race mode, however, pales in comparison to the Creature Party. Here, you can play several songs that must surely be hits in the Christian MIDI community, including Love The Lord Your God. A short introductory sequence shows the Creatures coming back from a long day of what is presumably racing for the glory of God, into their barn/library shelter, where they dance with either God, Noah, or some other biblical figure. I can't really tell which, they all have flowing white hair and a sackcloth robe.
Really worth downloading. I think I'll ask for the full version for my birthday.
I totally couldn't stop laughing when Reuben popped up from behind the desk. Hannah's reaction made it even more EPIC.
I'm praying ;p that this is a multi-platform release!
Is this worse than that Animal soccer game for the ps2 that was posted here a few weeks ago??
I hear you unlock a Jesus Raptor if you get gold trophies in all the circuits for all cups.
"I could never race, I'm too small and thin and weak."
Sounds like anti-woman bible stuff to me...
GIS for "Jesus Raptor" :
I just checked out their website and noticed they have an award tab. It had me falling out of my chair laughing. All the awards are for uploading a file that doesn't have a virus to these unknown file hosting websites lol.
Holy shit, this is hilarious. I think the pig in the top hat is what broke me to the point of laughing for five minutes straight.
cant believe i just played that!!! wow simply wow
Screw you God! I can eat all the crow poop I want!
I have just gazed upon the work of a brilliant master. Either that or the guy is just a schizophrenic lathered in a good deal of crazy sauce.
this game just destory any chance of good christian game developers chance of being taken seriously....i mean who knew noah knew how to build rockets.....?
i wish god would turn me into a horse so i could race
What has Jesus done?
Not as good as wolf quest.
God would be proud. Either that or very soon were all going to be smited.
That ruled.
Jesus should make more shovelware. It's been a while.
lol
Okay, this game would make my faith swivel to the side - but fortunately it doesn't. No wonder christians are viewed too often as nutsacks - the extremists and shitty game makers don't help the cause.
Seen this around. In fact, contemplated ordering it about a month and a half ago just to see how god awful it was.
This was so bad...so... so... bad. I'm thinking the video itself could be used as some form of torture.
"i'm not even dressed for racing. i'm not some dumb animal creature like you read in your 'books'"
what hath god wrought?
Great Zombie Jesus.....that was horrible.
We all have just witnessed a miracle because i have never even heard of that game but ever since i was 5 that was my EXACT PICTURE OF HEAVEN!
PRAISE HIM!
After seeing animals shot out of a cannon and riding rockets, what do I want?
MOAR!!!
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.
For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is salvation through Jesus Christ.
For God is not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.
Believe on the Lord Jesus and you will be saved
Whosoever shall call upon the name of the LORD will be saved
In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace
God is so boring, he just sits there on the dance floor looking like a drunk hobo while everybody is dancing. Move your omnipotent ass, God!
It was a half past nine or a quarter to ten
They said something then it started again
The war began
The clash was on and they started to fight
I know the word hurt, but is it right?
No, it’s not all right
And the Lord said unto me
He said the wars were too much to see
Build an ark now and finish the work
For I will now clean the earth
Musical interlude:
And the rains came falling down
The wind blew and it made lots of sounds
His grace abounds
The Ark did rest and it came to a stop
The door opened with a great big hop
On a hill top
We got out and we prayed for a while
We said Lord we love your style
Thank you Lord for helping us through
Your grace and love are so true
That is treasure.
I pity anyone who didn't make it to the part where the music kicks in.
I just died a little inside... Reminds me of a game Flanders could play with his kids, diddelidoo!
shoot Flanders wouldnt even play this game he'll think its b blasphemous,the stop watching davey and goliath because they, thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous
@Mxyzptlk
Not this game, apparently.
What else could ever happen to us today?
This is the funniest thing I've ever seen! I hope it makes it to XBox LIVE Arcade.
The maps in this game are so terrifying.