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Non-Newsround #3: Polishing turds with reckless abandon

12:25 PM on 06.03.2007 // Jim Sterling
  @JimSterling

Good people of the Imperial City, welcome to the arena! It's Jim Sterling, your debonaire prince, here once again with another dirty wad of non-news. If you haven't been with us for previous installments, the format is very simple; I spend the week gathering news stories and following tips that just aren't noteworthy enough to make their own Destructoid posts, gather them all together and unload them with a thick, creamy sauce in one almighty post of pointless tripe. Basically, it's a waste of my time, your time, and the government's time.

Not got a huge deal of non-news for you this week, but after the jump you'll get to hear about a NEW EUROPEAN AGREEMENT OH MY GAWSH, saucy videogame covers and Dr. Zoidberg. It's all dog poo!

 

Lockpick Entertainment signs EUROPEAN AGREEMENT!

You heard it here first, boys and girls. Lockpick Entertainment, yes, THE Lockpick Entertainment has finally signed a European agreement. That's an agreement in or pertaining to Europe. Are you excited? You should be, because Lockpick Entertainment sure as hell are, and why shouldn't they be? It's an agreement! A European one! Do you realise the hugeness of this huge thing that is huge? Don't just take my word for it though, sneak a gander at this here press release, rushed to the Destructoid offices almost a whole week ago! You can tell we rushed this to our beloved readers:

Lockpick Entertainment signs European agreement

Swedish online game developer Lockpick Entertainment has signed an agreement with a European publishing company regarding the distribution of one of the company’s products in a specific territory.

 

Said David Rosén, Lockpick Entertainment’s CEO:

“Not being able to go into details, this marks a milestone for Lockpick Entertainment. Despite being a small company we’ve managed to independently develop and release an acclaimed online game completely on our own. That we now are approached by respected and well-known companies that wants to work with Lockpick, is the pay-off for a consistent and focused strategy. Lockpick Entertainment is serious about games and this is just a first step.”   

HOLY WOW! Just when I was getting giddy at the idea of what this agreement might be, even more juicy details are released to the public. A certain videogame developed for distribution in some place. Yes, behold the true reason for my posting: This is the world's vaguest press release.

Now ... who the f**k is Lockpick Entertainment!?

Maxim.com talks about fap-happy game covers

"With covers that show more skin than celebrity fit club, it's getting hard to tell if you buying a video game or Jenna Jameson's new movie. Check out Maxim. com's list of "Raciest Video Game Covers." 

Sigh. If we must.

It seems that a Non-Newsround isn't complete without sluts being involved somewhere, and Maxim.com's list of apparently raciest videogame covers has us covered today. I wish it was racist videogame covers, for I imagine the hilarity would go through the roof. Regardless, we will press on, because it's not like any of us have a damn thing better to do. Let's go through Maxim.com's choices together.

Oh, and Maxim needs to learn to spell when it advertises itself. "You buying" indeed.  

First up is the cover for Rumble Roses XX, a delightfully sordid romp in which the objective is to masturbate as furiously as possible to digital footage of women in vast amounts of physical pain. I played a demo once, but I'm waiting for the game to be a fiver before I think of ever buying it. I don't like to spend too much on something I'm only going to wank over.

It's ... not exactly racy, is it? We're on the second cover and already the jerk who wrote this is reaching. The side of a covered tit does not a saucy picture make. I can't see any militant Christians going too mental over this one. As a side note, I really am tempted to make a purchase of Bullet Witch, despite how terrible everyone says it is. I've a thing for repetetive action games because I hate thinking.

If Bullet Witch was a reach, Silverfall is a glove on a barge pole. Okay, okay, so there's cleavage, but there's also a freakin' filthy goblin and a Solid Snake impersonator, and I don't know about you, but neither goblins nor Solid Snake impersonators are sexy. In fact they're about as erotic as kissing a brick in an allergy bubble. 

Leisure-Suit Larry is a horrible little sod . I suppose this is slightly better than the last two pitiful attempts, since we've upped the breasty ante, and Larry makes for a pretty huge tit in and of himself. Look at him, the grinning little knobjockey.  

Yeah ... you know why this "game" cover is not saucy? Because about four fifths of the women in that image are unattractive. Get these bedraggled old crones from my sight, this is not the time for their vulgar temptations. 

This is more like it. Three pairs of lovely digitits for your sweaty enjoyment. I'd be really interested in meeting anybody who's actually bought Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball. I wouldn't want to shake their clammy hands or go back to their shacks or anything, but I'd really like to meet them and tell them they could have just watched videos of it on Youtube and not spent that much cash on jizz material. That's what smart people like me do.

I .... oh. Oh dear. Well, I think we've found what one might be compelled to declare a winner, eh? It's called bloody Slave Pageant and also, nipples. It couldn't get any worse without them flashing us some minge. I can only assume this is one of them thar hentai games, which is kind of cheating, because not only are you guaranteed pure tastelessness, there are about eight million of the damn things out there, rendering any top ten list of sexy game covers utterly obsolete. Honestly though, Slave Pageant? It doesn't get much creepier than that.

Okay then, why is this list continuing after we've just had the winner? How many more do I have to do? How on Earth did somebody get paid to make this list? And how on Earth do I expect to get paid commenting on the worthless garbage? All these questions and more will not be revealed within this paragraph.

I suppose you couldn't have a list like this without a Tomb Raider inclusion somewhere, although this really isn't racy in the least. Not only that, but Lara Croft's really gone downhill, she hasn't aged well at all. Looks like gamers will need to go elsewhere for their hot MILF action. 

Okay, I think it's safe to say that whoever compiled this list is a bloody pervert. 

Make a Dr. Zoidberg mii, then contemplate suicide

If you're not as wretchedly bored of that Mii crap as I am, then you may be interested to know that you can make a pleasantly accurate Dr. Zoidberg, the wonderfully hapless squid-like doctor from Futurama. Gamervision.com shows you how, in this step-by-step video, meaning you don't have to faff about like a clown for hours desperately trying to make something that isn't Hitler or Jesus.
 
And that's about all we have for you this week. Not a lot I know, but I think I did well with the awful tools I was given. Remember, send me some true trash if you want to win your very own  Kitten Fail like I know you do. To finish up and close on a high, non-newsworthy note, I'd like to end with a random video in a feature I like to called, The ending on a random video feature: 
Goodnight, London! 


Jim Sterling, Former Reviews Editor
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Destructoid reviews editor, responsible for running and maintaining the cutting edge videogame critique that people ignore because all they want to see are the scores at the end. Also a regular f... more   |   staff directory

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