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No, the 49ers will win the Super Bowl due to these games

11:30 AM on 02.03.2013 // Patrick Hancock

Gold rush!

Despite Chris clamoring on about the Baltimore Ravens winning the Super Bowl, he's wrong. If you thought he was right, you should totally feel silly right now.

I doesn't matter how many prayers Ray Lewis mutters or what Madden thinks, my boy Colin Kaepernick has the hottest hand in NFL right now, and it's all thanks to the following games.

Mr. Kaepernick spends each night playing through these games in rotation, and today is the day it pays off.*

Miner 2049er

I don't know too much about Miner 2049er, so I brought in our resident Miner 2049er expert and mustache, Conrad Zimmerman:

"The thing which most enraptured me with this odd game of futuristic mine exploration  was the combination of Pac-Man's stage victory conditions with stage design and gameplay more reminiscent of Donkey Kong."

Sounds pretty amazing if you ask me. Since it's now out on iOS, I bet Patrick Willis pregames by playing Miner 2049er for hours.


It's no coincidence that the biggest phenomenon of this generation has the player rushing to mine gold so they can get better equipment. Minecraft is a wonderful psychological study into that of the mind of a 49er. Almost as soon as I boot into a brand new Minecraft world, my first thought is to look for some stone and coal. Then, soon after, some iron. Then gold. Then diamonds. Then MORE I NEED MORE AND BETTER THINGS.

Just like the 49ers. As soon as they stepped foot into Californ-i-a they got out their sifter and started siftin'. No time wasted. If they were lucky, they remembered to eat from time to time. Just like me when I play Minecraft.

CatDog: Quest for the Golden Hydrant

This game is a beautiful allegory of the 1849 California gold rush. Referring to California as a "Golden Hydrant" due to its ability to, at the time, make the gold flow like water is absolutely brilliant. The developer KnowWare, most known for their work on such titles as Smart Games Challenge #1 and Smart Games Puzzle Challenge 3, really knows how to pack deeper meaning into their stuff.


You know that moment in Spelunky when you're faced with either saving the princess and going through the door or sacrificing her in order to pick up that wonderful, shiny, beautiful golden idol? You know that moment in which you always pick the idol because gold is way better?

Yeah, gold is way better than princesses and it's certainly better than stupid BIRDS.


You may have thought that BIT.TRIP.RUNNER was all about not giving up, learning how to use the tools you're given, and becoming yourself. It's actually, in fact, about the gold rush of 1849.

First of all, you collect gold in order to get a better score. That part is obvious. He's also in quite the rush to get to all these gold, isn't he? It also takes place in California. How do I know? Well, the protagonist has a flippin' rainbow following him. It must be California, otherwise that might be weird.

Team Fortress 2

Many people, myself included, like to refer to Team Fortress 2 as the "Game of the Forever (GOTF). It's the gift that just keeps on giving. Plus with hundreds of hours logged in, I'm still nowhere close to being the Spy I want to be.

How does this help the 49ers win? Easy: the map pl_goldrush. Goldrush is the only map that overwhelmingly favors the Red team in TF2. Thus, the 49ers (red team) will overwhelmingly beat the Ravens (pretty-much-blue team).

*based off conjecture

Patrick Hancock, Contributor
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Watching and playing competitive games like Dota and StarCraft take up most of his time. His three favorite non-video game things in the world are space, dinosaurs, and puppets. So if there we... more   |   staff directory

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