8:00 PM on 05.10.2009
Remember the "Hot Coffee" scandal, when cheeky hackers discovered incredibly silly and unerotic sex scenes in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? Remember when outraged puritans forced the game to change its rating? Well, prepare for something even more shocking, my friends -- YOUNG GIRLY NIPPLES IN SONIC 2006! Oh the shame of it all!
Allegedly, the techno geeks (and obvious perverts) of Facepunch Studios and X-Cult have been able to extract model data of Sonic's furry love interest, Princess Elise. The data shows that, while Elise was fully clothed for the whole game (much to Sonic's interspecies disappointment), her nude and supple body was fully textured, right down to the blossom-pink nipples on her pre-teen mandarin oranges (pictured in gallery, and I guess it's NSFW ... kind of).
The question I want answered, however, is not why there are nipples on a female body, which isn't a story at all. What I'd rather know is why these people are digitally undressing pictures of children for their own sordid amusement. The only conclusion that can be drawn is that all Sonic the Hedgehog fans are all sickos who want to see children undressed for their own disgusting pleasure. Considering there are people who actually think Sonic 2006 is a good game, I have suspected that hardcore Sonic fans are sexually unhinged for quite some time. This proves it.
Obviously, speaking as a Sonic fan myself, I now have no other alternative than to turn myself in to the nearest police station. I will come clutching a copy of Sonic Unleashed, and the authorities will know what to do.
[Update: I have just been told this was mocked up. Which makes it EVEN WORSE. Not even discovering nipples in the game, Sonic fans have been MAKING them. I knew the lack of a good Sonic game in years has driven some folks to the edge of depravity, but I never knew it was getting this bad. God forgive me.]
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