This must be punishment for every unpleasant word ever uttered in response to Shaquille O'Neal's off-court ventures -- his rap career, his starring roles in Kazaam and Steel, the mind-numbing Shaq Fu. I can only imagine that Shaq's continued virtual presence after his retirement from basketball, starting with the recently released mobile game ShaqDown, is part of an extended plan to weaken our constitutions so much that we ultimately accept Shaq into our hearts and souls as the true Renaissance man that he is.
Mine O’Mine, the company that operates the 24-hour Shaq media hub Shaq.com, filed a trademark for "SHAQFIGHTER" on May 8, 2013. The trademark applies towards videogames, online games, related TV and animated tie-ins, and any other possible exploitations. Of course, this is merely to cover all the bases, as there's no guarantee that this so-called "SHAQFIGHTER" will be anything more than a simple iOS game or something. But what if it's more? More, I say!
I've tried to calm myself down by reading through the "Shaq Facts" on Shaq.com. Did you know that Shaquille means "Little Warrior" in Arabic? Or that Shaq's favorite meal is baked macaroni and fried chicken? Did you remember that there was a show a few years back called Shaq Vs., in which Shaq would compete against -- and usually lose to -- other athletes in their own sports?
Uh oh. I think the Shaqtus has taken root in my abdomen. Run, my friends! Save yourselves!