Monday Mind Teasers: Not Pr0n

8:15 PM on 08.03.2009   |   Fronz

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Last week's trip down mind teaser memory lane brought us back to the clicking nightmare known as Crimson Room. Now that some of us have escaped once again with our sanities intact, we run in fear to the first door we can find, screaming to let us in and save us from the horror of diabolical flash games. We click on the HTML handle and slam the door shut behind us in a sigh of relief. Only to see another door. Crap.

For those of you lucky enough to never have heard of Not Pr0n before, you might as well keep scrolling and go on your way. You can't handle this game. It's nothing personal, it's just a fact: you're inferior. This game is better than you. It will get the best of you. You will be scarred for life. Why is this game's infamous reputation as secretive and cryptic as its gameplay? Because this isn't the Fight Club of mind teaser games. It's The Ring. It's known as "the hardest riddle available on the Internet" for a reason. Actually, for 140 reasons.

First you sink a few hours on an abysmal five or so puzzle screens, then you cheat your way through the next few, then some of you get confused even when using cheat guides, while others start to feel dead inside. Then you realize there's 140 levels, and you're never going to make it that far. Much like a twelve step program, next up is denial. You coulda, shoulda, woulda beaten that level without cheating. Screw this game, you have better things to do. But you'll come back to it one day, twice as prepared and you'll fail twice as fast. Eventually you'll admit utter defeat and embrace your inferiority. But unlike other anonymous groups, after acceptance comes sharing, and your evil ass will show someone else this treacherous time killing game. It's like making it through AA and handing your son a beer.

I'm not even going to give you any hints on how to play this game. It's just better that you fail on the second level and give up forever. What's the point? It's not like you're ever going to beat it. Out of the 14 million people who have tried, only 12 have been certified as completing all the puzzles. Imagine all of the people playing World of Warcraft . . . but only 12 ever beat the last boss.

You can play Not Pr0n here. But this is your last warning: this is the game that crushed my entire AP Computer Science class back in high school. Even the teacher. Yeah, good luck. Screw you, David Muennich. Update: Some levels have issues in Firefox when trying to play sounds that are required for solving puzzles. You may want to try another Web browser.