If the state of Avatars in my Xbox Live Friends list is any indication, all my friends are apparently closet Master Chiefs, attendees of PAX 09, steam punk aficionados and Halo Waypoint award whores. Seriously, that floating ball thing is attached to almost every other person on that list.

However, you may want to hold back buying anymore doodads for your little digital likeness, according to 1UP through a recent Microsoft patent called "Avatar Individualized by Physical Characteristic." This patent is the ultimate form of corporate digital "guilt tripping," in which player's Avatars are designed to reflect the weight and shape of the people they are representing. Nevermind that their console exemplifies the ultimate in a sedentary life by not only promoting lazy living, but presenting products that grant wish-fulfillment of being more active human beings.

It's like watching Nickelodeon on a Sunday afternoon, only to be told in some patronizing condescending PSA to go outside and play. "No disingenuous corporate watchdog group," we will stand up and say, "We will not be patronized!" Does Jim Sterling want to be told that his Avatar thinks he's unhealthily overweight? No! Does Brad Nicholson want to be reminded that his obsession with physical fitness borders on pathological OCD? Maybe!

Of course, we all know this is probably tied to some WiiFit-like game for Project Natal. The patent says it functions by "Linking the avatar to a physical characteristic of a user provides leverage to provide incentives or constraints that can encourage good behavior (e.g., healthy behaviors, virtuous behaviors, etc.)" There's some other third party trickery going on, such as blood and glucose monitors, so this service will probably work like the Miis do in WiiFit, which really isn't so bad, especially if they don't force it on players. But do they really have to tell us we are fat? This is America. We like being fat, just not told so. Jeeze.

Legacy Comments (will be imported soon)

Nolan South

I like how Microsoft is implying that one of their avatars could be proportionally compared to a human being.

Monodi

I think the one in the far right resmbles me very much.

The Juda

My TV isn't big enough for a Jim sized avatar.

Camiwaits

Best title of the week.

eternalplayer2345

Sassy ben is sassy, I like

Jim Sterling

You somehow mis-spelled "muscular" in your headline, Ben.

Mr Pirate

Yeh, you are missing out 5 alphabets.

letshavecake

wtf is that thing in the middle

DysprosiumJudas

Do fat people get offended when pictures of them are taken, too?

Anastu

I already reported this. A few days ago, actually.

Anastu

Erm, make that yesterday.

Ben Perlee

I'll fix it right now!!

LazyEyelids

Jim's avatar will look like Jack Black.

yatzze

I'm pretty ducking hot so I'm all for it

atastysammich

Y'know, Nickelodeon actually did that recently. National Play Outside Day or some such? Just had a GO PLAY OUTSIDE message for two hours straight. It was the most entertaining thing they've aired this decade.

Electro Lemon

Well, my avatar can't be as real as me UNTIL YOU RELEASE A FUCKING SWEATER VEST AND SCRIBBLENAUTS HAT AVATAR PACK, MICROSOFT.



seriously though, sweater vests

Electro Lemon

@atastysammich

Clearly, you are forgetting that Spongebob Squarepants is still on the air.

KIHP

I just want a pet license where I buy dog and can customize it to all hell

xicuzab

Would brad's arm fit on the screen if they modeled the avatars after the players

Fadakar

@letshavecake
The lead singer from AFI.

beardenvier

This is actually a bloody boring piece of news, sure dress it up with Jim Sterling for some hits.

Tdiddy9182

Ben PerLee 2.0 Now with Sass!

Jesse Cortez

Ben...for the record. YOU were the one that downloaded that stupid Halo Waypoint thing for my Avatar!

So dont give me any of that Ben 2.0 sass...I'm no award whore

pl0x kthanxbai

@Jim Sterling

actually Jim i think he mis-spelled "impotent"

Grandmas Boy

Now that's just plain mean.

Ben Perlee

I'll let everyone know Jim knew about this joke, and I have given him permission to crack one at me in the future: he'll be make sure it's about a narcissistic francophile with self-esteem issues.

Oui.

TheTruth

After the herd of cattle I've seen at some gaming gatherings...yeah, I think the fat gamers need to hear it, even from their avatars (of course, this sounds more like an option to turn on, rather than all avatars actually mimmiking the real you, which would be impossible without you taking a picture or giving details).
Sure, corparationss might just be looking to sell something, but from a tough love perspective, don't you want to live and see all those future games? Because we're not talking people tacking on an extra couple pounds, people are growing to the size of two and half people on average (on average for my eyes since I moved to Heffer, Texas and feel like the only person without a gut hanging over their belt.)
Little weight is one thing, but when the obese are the norm...Jeez, do SOMETHING else before plopping down to game, for your own sake!

But then again....if those fatties start dropping off, they put on those pounds in the first place from gaming obscene amounts of hours and if they die maybe I could win more matches once in a while, since they are also freakishly skilled with controllers.

Okay, changed my mind. Happy meals all around!

Jim Sterling

Not only did Jim know about the joke, Jim also knew some sad cunts would use it as to turn it into a not-joke because they are obsessed with trying to upset him, which kind of means they are in love with him in a Hey Arnold's Helga kind of way.

Jim's fat = Arnold has a football head.

Sorry guys, but I am married. You cannot have me.

beardenvier

i just did 2 internet personality tests today, i waz feeling fucked up, now realizing I was serious about some fukcing joke. Jeeze lame, why can't people troll for real anymore? F this, going back to youtube to read some comments ...

Infinitys End

the Live avatars are the shittiest piece of shit thing there is. Other than the stances always being completely gay, they're not NEARLY as fun as the Mii's. OR as customizable.

Also, in order for it to look like Jim, you need to be able to give the heads extra chins and thicker necks. Ah too bad it sucks too much for you to be able to do that, eh?

Seolfer Wulf

We all know Jim is a big fat bastard it isnt anything new, what they dont mention is how he's a racist who touches kids. Then again that isn't news anyway seeing as everyone who is on xbox live is like that.

Tarvu

Haha, Hey Arnold references.

Jim has a football fat.

HiddenAHB

Thank god i'm fit. Otherwise all the serious real women that i meet at Xbox Live would stop loving me.

Elsa

Is there currently a weight variation for the xbox avatars? (I don't know as I don't have an Xbox). I do know that with Home we are able to customize the weight of our avatars and I do think that avatars should have a weight option as opposed to them all being pathologically skinny.

From a female perspective, this brings up some interesting issues... especially given the female propensity for eating disorders and tying our self-perception of attractiveness directly to our weight (which men seem to have less of a problem with). Even that ultra skinny gal in the middle won't be thin enough for some girls... then again, if they see that avatar amongst other "reality" based avatars, maybe they would get a better perception of how skinny they actually are... I don't know, but it does bring up some interesting issues.

Overall though, weight really has little to do with physical fitness. I'm a total slug who gets winded just looking for the TV remote, yet I'm fairly slim. My best friend is incredibly fit and does a lot of hiking, but she will always have a rounded shape and will achieve skinny. Again, this whole idea might backfire unless the avatar is "representative" of physical fitness and not actual appearance... in which case my rounded friend would be a skinny avatar - and I guess I might be represented more as "Jim-sized" (and the real Jim is likely more fit than I am and might have a skinny avatar too).

Eh... interesting concept but unless it's tied to actual fitness levels and not physical appearance, I don't see it being "real world" effective.

Elsa

ooops... hate that we can't edit comments. "she will always have a rounded shape and will achieve skinny." should read, she will NEVER achieve skinny.

bodybreak

Yeah I'm pretty fit looking, but I'm sure Jim could bench at least ten more large sized hams than me. Body size and shape isn't always the only indicator of physical fitness or strength.

Quest

@ Sterling ... i'm sorry for your wife ... no really

Mulk Calathar

"muscular" spelled D_O_U_G_H_B_A_L_L

Mulk Calathar

Yeah. I'll just BET that Jim knows some sad cunts. We could probably turn it into a bar game: the six sad cunt degrees of Jim Sterling.

mistic

I'm really skinny due to an unbelievably strict diet that I have to follow in order not to die... but I am in no way fit or able to do sports :p If I have to tun across a soccerfield I'll prolly die from tiredness :p

my avatar is prolly fatter then I am as it's average and you don't see any bones sticking out on him :-)

The Juda

@Jim Sterling

you bag on people relentlessly. don't get your nipples in a twist when others do it to you.